Not visiting for Christmas

[OhHellolittleone]

I usually spend Christmas at my dads house (mam lives close by) or at my in laws, and fly to my dads on 27th. My mam usually hosts dinner including my dad, her partner,
me, my husband and my sister.

This year we can’t travel as I will have a very young baby and a toddler. It just so happens my sister has decided she doesn’t want to travel and will instead stay in her city with her boyfriend of 2 years. No extenuating circumstances, just want she feel like doing. Usually this wouldnt bother me, but this year my dad is too unwell to travel to us. Mam has said that she and partner will come to us. Which leaves our dad alone. He has plenty of friends but has said on several occasions he’ll be fine alone. I feel sad for him as I think he doesn’t want to ask for invites, I also feel like a shitty daughter who will be judged when his friends find out we’re not visiting.

I feel quite helpless as I think my sister should
have planned to go to my mams, then my dad would go there and all would be well. But she hasn’t. She’s pretty much said that she shouldn’t be guilted into going. I haven’t told her I think she should, but it’s pretty obvious as I’ve said I feel bad for not going and I’m upset he’ll be alone. I also feel bad my mam will be at ours, when I know my dad would like to come! Equally I can’t punish her because of his illness, she’s generally very good to him even though they’ve been divorced for 30 years.

A aside- ive said I’ll try to visit towards Easter when the baby is more able to travel by car, but it’s a really long journey and I’m very anxious about it. My dads house is also not ideal for us as we prefer to have a room for each child and ourselves (my in laws are overseas, but it’s easier to visit them as they have a big house that’s prefect for kids).

AIBU to be upset? What should I do?

So you won’t make a compromise and think you’re more entitled but are mad with your sister for doing what she wants aswel??? Hmmmmm yeah it’s clear where the issue is here

Also you’ve got to love when someone asks if they are being unreasonable they point blank refuse to accept the responses. If you really wanted to you’d make it work

We visit my family every 4th Xmas. We live two days drive away. There is no way in hell that either of my brother's who live an hour away (from each other and my dad) would quibble with each other or me if one of them couldn't be with the others on Xmas day. They all sort it out and that's just the way it is.
OP while it's understandable why you can't visit anyone this year, you aren't entitled to blame shift into your sister. End of story

You have to either live with it or brace yourself for a challenging (but probably not unmanageable) trip to your dad’s. What other option is there? I would go for the latter option in all honesty. People make long journeys with small children and babies all the time.

Ok I’ll revise my answer based on your drip feed. It’s generally better to include all relevant information in your original post and the fact that you will be ten days post partum definitely changes things. Why didn’t you think that would be relevant to include?
You can’t travel and your sister doesn’t want to. She’ll have her own reasons and whether you consider her selfish or not is by the by. She’s entitled to decide not to go. This might not be the only year you don’t go- next year youll be more able to travel but if you decided you didn’t want to with two small children your choice would be still be valid, as hers is now.

You won't travel yet you expect your sister to travel - Yes YABVVU!

I understand that you will not be well enough to travel if you are recovering from a c section. I would not be happy to leave an ill family member alone at Christmas either.
That being said, if your sister wants a Christmas without family she has the right to do so, so it's not reasonable for you to expect her to change her wishes because your circumstances are changing.
I really hope your dad actually is happy to spend the day alone, and isn't just saying that to make others feel better.

I’m just interested that people see it as she can do whatever she likes and shouldn’t feel guilty.

She shouldn’t feel guilty neither should you. It’s interesting you find she’s being selfish for putting herself first but that’s exactly what you are doing putting yourself first. So do you think you’re both selfish? I think you only want to make your sister feel guilty and go to ease your conscience

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable. It totally gripes my sh*t when people use children as an excuse to not do something, my DS was 5days old when we travelled (with our dog) 13.5 hrs in a car to visit family (and we only got out of hospital when he was 4days old), he was then 11days old when we traveled a further 5hrs in a car to visit my husbands family. He was then 8wks old when I flew (alone) with him to go back and visit my family and again at 14wks old. It's harder but by no means impossible.

I don’t think your sister is unreasonable for wanting to spend Christmas with her boyfriend. You’re angry because it doesn’t suit your plans that she does this, but she shouldn’t be guilt tripped into changing her plans because you had another baby and will be giving birth near Christmas. I’m sure your dad will be fine. You’re not unreasonable for feeling bad for him, but you are for putting the blame on your sister because her plans don’t suit you.

Sometimes the person is quite happy to be on their own.

A few years ago it ended up that all 3DC were elsewhere for Christmas.

My plan was to have a lazy morning, pastries & mimosas for breakfast, have a lovely walk, crack open the good wine at midday, watch crappy Christmas movies, nap & order Chinese for dinner - do you think anyone would give me peace? Nope!

For months beforehand all I got was "you can't have Chinese for Christmas dinner" (eh I can, I don't even like turkey), "you can't spend Christmas Day by yourself" (I could, I was a 40yo woman) It was relentless so much so that I felt guilty that they'd feel bad for me, ended up giving in & I've regretted it ever since.

Unfortunately the opportunity hasn't presented itself since but when it does you can bet I won't be telling a soul until Boxing Day!

Oldest by any chance? It’s so hard to not feel like you have to make everything ok for everyone else but it will be ok. I’m the oldest and I get how sometimes it feels like you’re the only one spinning the plates and feel a bit betrayed when your sibling doesn’t automatically grab a stick but I think we sometimes need to understand that maybe nobody else is that bothered about a plate falling? Or maybe the plate needs to fall for everyone else to realise just how hard you’ve been working to keep it all going. It might not be just oldest but in my case and a lot of cases between my friends it was 😅