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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not visiting for Christmas

62 replies

OhHellolittleone · 05/11/2024 16:45

I usually spend Christmas at my dads house (mam lives close by) or at my in laws, and fly to my dads on 27th. My mam usually hosts dinner including my dad, her partner,
me, my husband and my sister.

This year we can’t travel as I will have a very young baby and a toddler. It just so happens my sister has decided she doesn’t want to travel and will instead stay in her city with her boyfriend of 2 years. No extenuating circumstances, just want she feel like doing. Usually this wouldnt bother me, but this year my dad is too unwell to travel to us. Mam has said that she and partner will come to us. Which leaves our dad alone. He has plenty of friends but has said on several occasions he’ll be fine alone. I feel sad for him as I think he doesn’t want to ask for invites, I also feel like a shitty daughter who will be judged when his friends find out we’re not visiting.

I feel quite helpless as I think my sister should
have planned to go to my mams, then my dad would go there and all would be well. But she hasn’t. She’s pretty much said that she shouldn’t be guilted into going. I haven’t told her I think she should, but it’s pretty obvious as I’ve said I feel bad for not going and I’m upset he’ll be alone. I also feel bad my mam will be at ours, when I know my dad would like to come! Equally I can’t punish her because of his illness, she’s generally very good to him even though they’ve been divorced for 30 years.

A aside- ive said I’ll try to visit towards Easter when the baby is more able to travel by car, but it’s a really long journey and I’m very anxious about it. My dads house is also not ideal for us as we prefer to have a room for each child and ourselves (my in laws are overseas, but it’s easier to visit them as they have a big house that’s prefect for kids).

AIBU to be upset? What should I do?

OP posts:
ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 06/11/2024 09:45

OhHellolittleone · 06/11/2024 09:00

I willing to hear I’m unreasonable to be upset with my sister, and I’m taking those comments on board, but having a baby that will likely be 10 days old really does count me
out of an at least 7 hour drive(last Xmas it too 10!!) after a c section (I wouldn’t drive but I’d need to be able to turn round in the car!) . Flying means several hours drive either side as well. Adding to that I was in hospital for several weeks after my first child. I will still be having medical care.

Show quote history

Several weeks in a hospital? just because you had a bad experience with the first doesn't mean you will for the 2nd
And you want a room for each child? Jesus, a separate room for a toddler AND a 10-day-old baby, and you!

Completelyjo · 06/11/2024 09:47

Lytlethings · 06/11/2024 09:36

Those of you who are condemning the op for not travelling miles with a toddler and young baby are very unreasonable. This is always how it starts. One member with kindness and a conscience is always the default go to for every crisis. I agree that the sister should not be obliged to go. Christmas is special for lots of people not just the older generation. As I said earlier, your new family is your priority and your dad will understand.

Edited

I don’t think a single person is condemning OP for not travelling, posters are simply making the point that it’s not fair on OP to condemn anyone else for their decision either. A baby isn’t the only reason to want to stay in your own home for Christmas.

willowpatternchina · 06/11/2024 09:56

You know your dad best. Is there anything he would enjoy that you could send to make sure he can have a nice Christmas when he's not feeling well and might not feel up to cooking something special? Christmas hamper, meats and cheeses, Christmassy flowers, that sort of thing? And you could Skype/FaceTime him on the day. It's not perfect, but I'm sure there are things you could do to make him feel loved and thought about on the day even if you can't physically spend it together.

lasagnelle · 06/11/2024 10:02

OhHellolittleone · 06/11/2024 09:04

I’m finding these responses so interesting. There seems to be a feeling that my sister isn’t at all selfish or unreasonable to do exactly what she wants to do. In what situations do we have any kind of moral obligation to others who have been good to us over the years?

I have read the responses and decided that it is clear that my sisters mindset is not unusual. I shall continue to believe it is selfish, and may one day come back on her, but I will choose to let go of the situation I cannot change and instead work on how I can be as supportive of my dad as possible without travelling (I explained in a previous post that I definitely
can’t travel, I will likely be under medical care with a 10 day old baby.)

Urgh. This attitude sucks OP sorry. You can't judge her for not going when you're not going. She's not your stand in

BakedAlaska12 · 06/11/2024 10:03

OhHellolittleone · 06/11/2024 09:04

I’m finding these responses so interesting. There seems to be a feeling that my sister isn’t at all selfish or unreasonable to do exactly what she wants to do. In what situations do we have any kind of moral obligation to others who have been good to us over the years?

I have read the responses and decided that it is clear that my sisters mindset is not unusual. I shall continue to believe it is selfish, and may one day come back on her, but I will choose to let go of the situation I cannot change and instead work on how I can be as supportive of my dad as possible without travelling (I explained in a previous post that I definitely
can’t travel, I will likely be under medical care with a 10 day old baby.)

I understand where you are coming from. It’s hard when you want what you perceive as the right thing and others seem to put themselves first.

Plan your Easter trip in advance this year to try and get everyone together then.

WingSluts · 06/11/2024 10:12

How much notice have you given all your family members (mother, father, sister) that you wouldn't be visiting?

rainbowstardrops · 06/11/2024 10:20

Not really the point but you said your mum has said she'll come to you - did you invite her or did she invite herself?
I'd feel pretty guilty as well if it means your poorly dad was on his own but if you really can't travel and your sister wants to do her own thing then there's not much you can do about that.
Is your dad really too ill to travel? Or does he fancy a quiet Christmas this year?!

Fizzywizzy2 · 06/11/2024 10:21

I personally wouldn't act like your sister as I feel a moral obligation to my family and would hate the thought of a lone old man on his own at Christmas. But he has said he's okay with it. If he's not, he should say it.

He might be looking forward to having a quiet day by himself. I'd be really sad, but I'm not him.

Make sure to video call him more than once on the day, and then visit when your baby is a bit older. Next year you can go back to your usual set up :)

mindutopia · 06/11/2024 10:23

It really is fine. You are both allowed to have the Christmas you want to have. It’s just one day. It is possible to travel with a new baby and a toddler assuming you don’t need a passport, though you probably will have needed to plan ahead and book a place to stay if you want extra space. Your sister is perfectly okay not having a family Christmas this year. It’s just one year. If your dad was so unwell that this could be his last Christmas, I think it would be right if you both went, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.

Can you hunt around to dad’s friends to prime someone to offer him an invitation? He may just prefer to be at home, but at least would give him the option.

Aimtodobetter · 06/11/2024 10:25

OhHellolittleone · 06/11/2024 09:04

I’m finding these responses so interesting. There seems to be a feeling that my sister isn’t at all selfish or unreasonable to do exactly what she wants to do. In what situations do we have any kind of moral obligation to others who have been good to us over the years?

I have read the responses and decided that it is clear that my sisters mindset is not unusual. I shall continue to believe it is selfish, and may one day come back on her, but I will choose to let go of the situation I cannot change and instead work on how I can be as supportive of my dad as possible without travelling (I explained in a previous post that I definitely
can’t travel, I will likely be under medical care with a 10 day old baby.)

I think that's a good attitude OP - I agree with you that I wouldn't be a fan of how your sister has behaved but also it isn't your responsibility and you certainly can't travel. You are responsible for your own actions (which are completely understandable) and your Dad will be fine for one year.

Ratisshortforratthew · 06/11/2024 10:33

No one is selfish or wrong for spending Christmas exactly how they want to. It’s not a moral obligation. Why not take your dad at face value when he said it’s fine? You sound like you think you’re superior to your sister for having kids.

tealbead · 06/11/2024 10:38

YABU

Your sister has the right to spend Christmas as she chooses without being made to feel guilty.

Mnetcurious · 06/11/2024 10:54

we prefer to have a room for each child and ourselves
You’re just making excuses here, this is unreasonable. Not many people have three spare bedrooms.

Original poster
OhHellolittleone · 06/11/2024 11:35

I shouldn’t have mentioned the bedroom thing. It’s not a reason - we will travel to visit as soon as we can. My daughter is a terrible sleeper. We will of course be sharing with baby to begin with!

I’m just interested that people see it as she can do whatever she likes and shouldn’t feel guilty.

I turned my life upside down to support her when she was unwell a few years ago, I’m not sure I’d do it without resentment next time, given her attitude to my dad. I feel that family should try to support each other, even if it means compromise.

ive Learnt that the consensus is I’m unreasonable and I need to take some deep breaths, let her do her thing and try to do my own. I will continue to feel a moral obligation to my dad.

OP posts:
DieStrassensindimmernass · 06/11/2024 11:38

Your sister gets to make her own decisions and it's absolutely nothing to do with you.

Gemmawemma9 · 06/11/2024 11:44

You seem to be excusing yourself because you have kids-travelling with a ten day old baby isn’t ideal but is possible. Youre just as responsible for your dad as your sister is. I think you feel guilty and you’re projecting tbh.

Anxioustealady · 06/11/2024 12:25

She might have her own reasons like she'd like to try have children soon so wants 1 year just them.

You can feel annoyed with her but you can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

Is your sister close enough to take him a dinner on Boxing Day? That might be a nice compromise

EasyComfortDishes · 06/11/2024 12:32

It does feel a bit like you’re building it up a bit too much in your mind. Your sister wants to be at home with her boyfriend this year. That’s it. It’s a perfectly normal reasonable thing to do and I’m sure next year you can all be together again. Your dad has probably lived long enough to have a bit of perspective and realise it’s 1 day, it’s a very long and difficult journey, he’s not well and will chill at home and see you all soon. You don’t need to be so upset. Life evolves and so does how we spend Christmas.

yeesh · 06/11/2024 12:49

I would be fuming if it was my sister, it is selfish to leave someone alone on Christmas Day because you can’t be arsed. These replies are odd and not what people would do in real life.

cheddercherry · 06/11/2024 12:51

Just a different viewpoint to consider - you say you’re morally obligated to support your dad at all costs… but are you not also morally obligated to support your sister too?

Fact is you may not know the reasons why she’s doing things this way this year (just a hunch but maybe she’s not told you things going on because you’d judge her?) and maybe she feels she isn’t able to cope with travel/ socialising/ the pressure.

I think it’s fine to think you have obligations to family… BUT you are unreasonable to pick and choose who/ when it extends to if you’re taking that as a hill to die on.

Completelyjo · 06/11/2024 13:04

yeesh · 06/11/2024 12:49

I would be fuming if it was my sister, it is selfish to leave someone alone on Christmas Day because you can’t be arsed. These replies are odd and not what people would do in real life.

Why is it okay for the mum who usually still hosts her ex partner every year, to choose to travel on Christmas and leave him alone, and also OP to choose not to travel but the sister just has to bend to everyone else’s wishes? Everyone else made their own choice, that’s not on the sister.
Maybe her partner’s family will be visiting them, maybe she’s had an awful year and doesn’t want to do a 10 hour drive and have no down time during a small amount of time off work. It doesn’t really matter, she will have her reasons and it’s not less valid than having a baby.

Ratisshortforratthew · 06/11/2024 13:35

yeesh · 06/11/2024 12:49

I would be fuming if it was my sister, it is selfish to leave someone alone on Christmas Day because you can’t be arsed. These replies are odd and not what people would do in real life.

Speak for yourself, I’m going travelling in Asia over Christmas because I can’t stand it. My partner has to work Christmas Day, meaning he can’t come and I’m leaving him on his own (and won’t be seeing my parents either). If roles were reversed I’d wave him off and wish him a brilliant time as he has done for me.

JollyPinkFox · 06/11/2024 13:36

‘I will continue to feel a moral obligation to my dad’ only when it’s trying to get someone else to act on that obligation though right?

Pinkpaperclip · 06/11/2024 13:47

This is a simple one.

You are not unreasonable to not travel. A 7 hour trip is going to take 9-10 hours with the stops you will have to make with a newborn in the back. It’s not ideal for them to be in car seat that long. My son was in NICU for 8 days after birth, I was still recovering from C Section.

Your sister is not unreasonable for wanting Christmas in her city with her BF. Huff and puff all you want but that’s my opinion.

Your dad is an adult and understands both situations. He will be fine for one year.

ChristmasFluff · 06/11/2024 14:19

I am on my own this Christmas. I am currently constantly fighting off invitations, because people won't accept that this is more than fine by me. I am looking forward to some alone time for quiet reflection, and having a completely different Christmas to usual.

You have said your father has many friends and he has said he is fine being alone. Maybe he's like me, and you should believe him, especially as he is unwell.