Agreed trip to Europe for a gig, DW says she won't go because of flight

[littlealex2021]

My DW has always been nervous of flying, I've been patient and understanding I feel but she seems to be OK when we go with the children too. In fact she seems quite happy on flights weve taken, just maybe a bit nervous during takeoff and landing but no more than many. But now she says she won't go on any flights without the children until they're older now. She says it's because she's afraid that if we die on the flight they will be left on their own (despite family being available and plenty of insurance cover).

The problem is, before telling me this issue, she agreed that we would go on a trip to Europe to see a gig. I therefore made all arrangements and booked it. It would give us time to ourselves which we rarely get with young teenage children, be a great gig and a bit of exploring a city and good food.

Now I feel very let down she won't go. I'm going on my own because I can't get refunds for anything. It just seems ridiculous to me. It feels like she doesn't want to go with me specifically rather than any worries about air travel as she is perfectly fine on flights we've taken. So I'm stuck with wasted money, a trip I'm going on on my own as at least something should come of it, and feeling resentful, unloved and let down.

I know I can't expect someone to come along when they don't want to or to make them feel anyway other than the way they do but why did she agree, seriously feeling so let down. I was in an abusive relationship in the past where being let down happened alot and this brings that all back...

Sorry maybe just venting this as much as anything...

I am sure it wasn't deliberate. She may have overestimated her ability to take the flight. And, while she makes an effort for the children so that they don't miss out on experience of travel, travelling without them is a bit much for her. And now the date is getting closer, she has a case of cold feet.
But of course, she may also just not want to go. Only she knows.

You can go to Europe by train.

She's being ridiculous. YANBU.

Get the train.

Sounds like DW needs to grow up a bit. Does she travel by car? Much greater chance of dying there.

Practically, where abouts in Europe is the gig? Could she take the Eurostar?

You can get Diazepam from the GP for fear of flying, but they don't like giving it out and if she tells the Dr that she's fine flying with kids, they probably won't give it.

Sounds like DW needs to grow up a bit. Does she travel by car? Much greater chance of dying there.

Practically, where abouts in Europe is the gig? Could she take the Eurostar?

You can get Diazepam from the GP for fear of flying, but they don't like giving it out and if she tells the Dr that she's fine flying with kids, they probably won't give it.

Where is the gig? Is Eurostar a possibility? Would she fly on a separate flight to you?

Take a friend?

So does she never get the car with just you two either in case you die? Have you told her how upset she is making you? Is there any compromise eg she gets the next flight so you're not on the same one?

Anxiety is a funny thing. I used to get so worked up about going on holiday because I was afraid we’d never see the house again- it would burn down or something. No trouble leaving on a day to day basis, just holidays. I’d be fine once we actually left, but crying as we were trying to leave.

Leaving your children is a huge thing- especially to go abroad. And you may be fine about it in theory but absolutely overwhelmed as it gets closer.

It’s a shame for this one- is there someone else you can take? Is there anything you can do that would help her go? Help her work out what it is- would a train trigger the same fear, would a flight within the uk trigger it…

And book a hotel night together that’s not so far away. But don’t assume sex. That becomes a fear in itself. I would be a bit anxious about the kids and need time to unwind. DH got a bit sex pesty and turned me right off.

Is it definitely about the flight or are you not getting on very well?

I'm a terrible air passenger. It terrifies me that I'm not in control and if something goes wrong it's likely to be pretty major, despite being t being the safest way to travel.

I flew without my DC for the first time when they were 10 and 12. I was a mess. I even had my will written up at the solicitors beforehand and wrote down a comprehensive list of my finances etc for my parents should anything have happened.

It's a real fear, however ridiculous it sounds.

But there are other ways to get to Europe op, can you investigate driving/train/ferry?

Get the train is an option if you live within easy reach of London and the gig is in Brussels/Paris. Not so much of an option if you live in Aberdeen or Belfast and the gig is in Madrid or Rome.

And besides, getting the train is pandering to the anxiety about flying which is irrational.

Yeah if you're within easy reach of London get the train! We live in Cornwall and still prefer to take the train to Europe if possible, always remarking it would be a doddle from anywhere within the Home Counties.

Otherwise, go with a friend or sibling.

Eurostar is great if you live in the south east of England, less so if you're in Scotland etc.

This doesn't seem to be about her fear of flying so much as her not wanting you both to travel outside of the U.K. without the kids. I don't think that's actually unreasonable.

I think this 'She says it's because she's afraid that if we die on the flight they will be left on their own (despite family being available and plenty of insurance cover).' is trivialising a genuine concern...wtf? Like an auntie or grandparent and a pile of dosh would in any way make up for losing your parents while they went off to a gig?

I don't think YABU to feel let down and disappointed but tbh seems like the situation is somewhat of your own making, that you pushed her beyond her comfort limits.

Eurostar. A fear of flying is very common and nothing to be ashamed of.
To those calling her childish, the fact she can mask her fear with the children so as not to give them the same phobias shows maturity to me, not immaturity.
Bit naive to think making her fly there and back feeling the way she does was going to be a nice time together. She was only going to dread the whole thing, not feel excited, and even when there in the 24 hours before the return flight she wouldn’t be able to enjoy herself.
Rearrange so she doesn’t have to fly or go with a friend and then spend some time with her doing something she can enjoy, not just you.

ETA: agree with the PP about the “it’s okay if we die, we have insurance so the kids will be fine” thing. I read that part like WTAF?! Pretty sure the kids would rather have their mum than a pile of cash ffs, and as a mum the thought of not seeing my children grow up, maybe marry, have kids of their own etc. brings actual tears to my eyes.

I like travelling by train, when it works.

But some journeys to Europe are just impractical. I was planing a trip to Hamburg (so not central, southern or eastern Europe), looked at going by train - 13 hours there, 13 hours back, 3 changes of train each way including having to cross London, return ticket at least £350.

He didn't push her beyond her comfort limits. She didn't bring this up until after he'd booked the tickets and made the arrangements.

OP I'd go with a friend or sibling. I'm not surprised you feel let down. And she should get some kind of professional help.

It feels like she doesn't want to go with me specifically rather than any worries about air travel as she is perfectly fine on flights we've taken

Yes, from this there definitely seem to be deeper issues at play here rather than just the flight. OP also says they feel "unloved" so I think there's more to unpack.

If she's so anxious about flying the time to have refused was before money had been spent on flights, tickets etc. Out of order to bail for no good reason when none of that is refundable.

OP I would see if any friend wants to join you. Or even meet fellow fans of the artist in the city you're going to.

Can she take a separate flight - maybe change the flight to a few hours later so you minimise the cost of changing and you can keep the rest of the holiday?

I know a couple who travel together for business a lot and they fly separately for that reason.

He didn't push her beyond her comfort limits. She didn't bring this up until after he'd booked the tickets and made the arrangements.

Have you never agreed to something and then felt sick or panicked about it?

Anxiety is a funny thing sometimes you think you can do things sometimes you can and sometimes you can’t it isn’t always rational or logical so trying to apply those to a situation can be tough

and you can’t put the abusive relationship where you were let down on her

can you drive or take the train DS is v anxious flier but finds the eurotunnel mich better

@AConcernedCitizen piss off, people with phobias don't need to "grow up," they certainly don't need to grow up in order to more efficiently poison the planet for leisure travel.

OP she probably feels unloved too because you don't seem to care much about her feelings, just your own regarding being "let down." She clearly doesn't want to go for whatever reason, might be worth thinking about why.

Yes this is very common thinking and hoping you can before recognising yiu cant

and if your reaction to her fear is family cover and insurance don’t you think that makes her feel unloved and unheard