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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Agreed trip to Europe for a gig, DW says she won't go because of flight

61 replies

littlealex2021 · 05/11/2024 08:20

My DW has always been nervous of flying, I've been patient and understanding I feel but she seems to be OK when we go with the children too. In fact she seems quite happy on flights weve taken, just maybe a bit nervous during takeoff and landing but no more than many. But now she says she won't go on any flights without the children until they're older now. She says it's because she's afraid that if we die on the flight they will be left on their own (despite family being available and plenty of insurance cover).

The problem is, before telling me this issue, she agreed that we would go on a trip to Europe to see a gig. I therefore made all arrangements and booked it. It would give us time to ourselves which we rarely get with young teenage children, be a great gig and a bit of exploring a city and good food.

Now I feel very let down she won't go. I'm going on my own because I can't get refunds for anything. It just seems ridiculous to me. It feels like she doesn't want to go with me specifically rather than any worries about air travel as she is perfectly fine on flights we've taken. So I'm stuck with wasted money, a trip I'm going on on my own as at least something should come of it, and feeling resentful, unloved and let down.

I know I can't expect someone to come along when they don't want to or to make them feel anyway other than the way they do but why did she agree, seriously feeling so let down. I was in an abusive relationship in the past where being let down happened alot and this brings that all back...

Sorry maybe just venting this as much as anything...

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 05/11/2024 19:36

You say your DC are teens, so take the oldest one with you.
I think DW is being unreasonable, given she agreed and it is only after substantial costs have been incurred that she is now saying she doesn't want to go. Has she explained why she agreed to go in the first place? If she has cancelled things a few times, are you ignoring her reluctance and hoping that she'll agree? If she is sincerely apologetic about letting you down, then maybe you can find a way forward, take one of the DC or a friend with you and move on. But bear it in mind for future plans.
It's not the end of the world to forgo holidays abroad without the DC until they are older.. many of us lack either the finances or the childcare to do this anyway. I don't think DH and I ever went abroad without the DC until the youngest was about 15 and happy to be left in the care of his older siblings. There are plenty of places to visit in the UK if you want a few days away without children, and it sounds as if your wife would be more comfortable with that.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/11/2024 19:51

That’s a great idea @DelphiniumBlue ! Take your eldest with you!

Dontlletmedownbruce · 05/11/2024 20:02

Take someone else. She clearly doesn't want to go and she is being selfish. Even if train was an option it makes no sense as she would still have the same issues. Maybe she genuinely is anxious in which case she would agree to be treated for it. But honestly i think if she isn't open to treatment, then the flying anxiety is just an excuse and it seems like she doesn't see a future for you as a couple at all. Saying children must be financially secure is so irrational i dont know what to say. Couples therapy might help maybe? I'm sorry OP I feel this is much bigger than the gig.

DamnUserName21 · 05/11/2024 20:04

How's it a phobia if she can fly with the kids present? Seems rather selective...

YANBU. Either look at trains or find someone else to go with you...

another1bitestheduck · 05/11/2024 20:15

MummyInTheNecropolis · 05/11/2024 19:21

So if she were to die in an air crash, she’d want her children to die too? Rather than have them safe and welll at home? What a strange attitude.

yeah this is weird, as is the financially independent thing. What does that mean, exactly? Lots of people can't afford to move out from their parents home and live independently until their mid twenties or even later nowadays!

"can you get the train" is going to be the new "cancel the cheque." Even if OP hadn't already confirmed it's a no go, we don't all live in the south either. It can take most of a day just to get to Paris by rail from lots of the UK, let alone potentially anywhere in 'Europe.'

rewilded · 05/11/2024 20:53

Get your DW to read this book It has made flying 75% better for me. I have a couple of glasses of wine and it is now bearable. I hadn't flown for 15 years and it was getting out of hand.

Agreed trip to Europe for a gig, DW says she won't go because of flight
Ponderingwindow · 05/11/2024 21:09

Leave a day earlier and take alternate transportation.

For the future, consider that the best couple’s getaways involve little to no travel at all. DH and I discovered that wasting time in a car or on an airplane was hours we could just be relaxing and enjoying time together. We get a sitter and book a nice hotel in our city and do things locally we wouldn’t do with a child.

parietal · 05/11/2024 21:21

The options are

  1. take the train - brussels, amsterdam, cologne, paris, even barcelona and zurich are easy by train from London
  2. if her specific fear is that you both die in the same plane crash, then take different flights to the same location. so you take easyjet and she takes BA or whatever.
  3. take someone else with you to the gig.
Lifeglowup · 05/11/2024 21:22

Take one of your teenagers?

Marblesbackagain · 05/11/2024 21:23

YABU anxiety isn't rational.

Purplewarrior · 05/11/2024 21:24

Not spending a night away until DC are financially independent is batshit.

Can you take a mate with you?

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