Agreed trip to Europe for a gig, DW says she won't go because of flight

[littlealex2021]

My DW has always been nervous of flying, I've been patient and understanding I feel but she seems to be OK when we go with the children too. In fact she seems quite happy on flights weve taken, just maybe a bit nervous during takeoff and landing but no more than many. But now she says she won't go on any flights without the children until they're older now. She says it's because she's afraid that if we die on the flight they will be left on their own (despite family being available and plenty of insurance cover).

The problem is, before telling me this issue, she agreed that we would go on a trip to Europe to see a gig. I therefore made all arrangements and booked it. It would give us time to ourselves which we rarely get with young teenage children, be a great gig and a bit of exploring a city and good food.

Now I feel very let down she won't go. I'm going on my own because I can't get refunds for anything. It just seems ridiculous to me. It feels like she doesn't want to go with me specifically rather than any worries about air travel as she is perfectly fine on flights we've taken. So I'm stuck with wasted money, a trip I'm going on on my own as at least something should come of it, and feeling resentful, unloved and let down.

I know I can't expect someone to come along when they don't want to or to make them feel anyway other than the way they do but why did she agree, seriously feeling so let down. I was in an abusive relationship in the past where being let down happened alot and this brings that all back...

Sorry maybe just venting this as much as anything...

@DrinkFeckArseBrick very clever but you actually can't pester someone out of a phobia like that.

I’d be seriously pissed off. Is she being treated for anxiety/ phobias- if not I think she needs help. This is not normal at all.

And yes can’t she catch the train instead in the interim.

Doesnt BA run a fear of flying course? I think so. Could she try that?

I'd be upset as well OP and I'd be asking more questions, there's more to it than fear of flying.

I have a friend who refuses to go away on her own with her DH, used the kids as an excuse for years, they both went off to uni and she still made excuses. Didn't want to be out of the country in case they needed her. It was madness.

She confided in me that it was due to pressure from him for sex when they're away, he expected it to be like a second honeymoon and she didn't.

Anxiety is a horrible thing, and we can't really control what form it will take.

Althoygh her reasons are logical, she doesn't really want both of you so far away from the kids, and she doesn't want something awful to happen to you both, leaving the kids with no parents.

I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship, it's not an easy thing to overcome, but you can't expect your wife to understand the mental repercussions of your anxiety around that, when you're not understanding of her anxiety either.

The best route here would be for you to both discuss how you're feeling, with no blame towards the other, and try and come up with a plan and comprimises for the future. If you don't discuss it properly then you're just going to quietly resent each other, and that's a shitty way to live.

I highly recommend the BA fear of flying course. I did it 30 years ago and have been fine on flights and tube trains ever since.

Have you told her how much more likely you are to die in the car together than on a plane together? (AI tells me it's 1,000 times).

I don't think that telling a woman with anxiety she's 1000 more times likely to die in a car is a great idea tbh.

That's not the point. She agreed the trip, then brought up the issue. He's not pushing her beyond her comfort limits as he quite clearly says he realises he can't put pressure on her to do what she doesn't want to do. He feels disappointed which I think is valid.

Seems a strange mindset to me. She doesn’t mind the plane crashing as long as the kids are on it too? Sounds like an excuse to me - she doesn’t want to leave the kids would be my guess.

I don't think she has anxiety or a phobia.

She doesn't have a fear of flying as she flies happily at other times.

If she's worried about leaving her kids orphaned it's quite unusual and irrational in the first place, but particularly unusual for her to have only thought of it after flights and tickets had been booked. If she really has anxiety along those lines she should seek professional help because taken to its logical extreme that can start affecting every aspect of her life.

Does she have anxiety about the kids getting hurt or you two dying in other ways, or is it just this?

If it's just this I agree with taking the fear of flying course. The only way to treat a phobia is exposure to it, so taking lots of flights. This is what I did, but probably doing the course beforehand would help - heard lots of good things about it.

If it's anxiety about all kinds of things, she would be better off looking into more general anxiety treatments.

What's the gig? Did she actually want to go or was it more your thing and now is having second thoughts? I get her fear of flying and it does ebb and flow depending on what else is going on in life. Can you take a friend instead of her?

Take the train, or take different flights. I understand the fear of dying and leaving DC alone!

She should seek some help for her anxieties as its unfair to you and your relationship

Fear of flying is awful. I have been in many actually dangerous situations in my life, and developed fear of flying at around 30 ish (before I had been perfectly fine). I once just didn’t go on a weekend away because I couldn’t face getting on the plane. Other weekends would be spoilt, as I’d just spend all the time in whatever place we’d flown to thinking about the flight home.

The thing that solved it for me was a book and app called “Soar”, which was written by a former pilot. It completely fixed the fear (and if I feel a wobble now, I just re-read it).

also he should as well because he too is projecting his own issues from what must be a relationship over a decade ago

and this anxiety by and large doesn’t need to be an issue if not pushed his feelings of being unloved and resentment need to be addressed just as much

I agree with @Voltefarce Fears such as fear of flying are illogical, but feel very real to the person suffering and logic doesn’t make you feel any better. Of course, people know the statistics, but something agreed to when it was some distance away in time, becomes impossible the closer you get.

If there’s a book or fear of flying course though, it may be helpful.

Thanks for everyone's comments. Unfortunately train will take many hours and the gig will be missed with that option. There is more background to this of course that is difficult to summarise here but this has come after a couple of other nights out have been arranged and agreed and then I've been let down.

She has basically explained this is to do with not leaving the children until they are older/financially independent. So that looks like the end any possible romantic or fun nights away for the foreseeable future, probably a decade. Ironically of course the kids love it when we go away as grandma stuffs them with sweets and let's them watch anything they like. I do have sympathy for DW and how she feels but we're also supposed to be a couple and hopefully will be after the kids have flown the nest...

It only sounds like a phobia when she decides it’s one, and she could’ve said all this before it was booked and paid for.

Personally OP I’d be really annoyed if my partner did this, it’s the fact she’s let you book if all before announcing it I’d be annoyed about, if she doesn’t want to fly fine, but don’t let someone book an entire trip before speaking up.

What’s her reason she didn’t bother to mention this when you suggested it or once she knew you were confirming it?

So is it actually about flying or about leaving the kids in general?

I would go without my kids either, plenty of time to go away without them when they no longer want to holiday with u.

The two of you really need to sit down together and have a conversation about this
"It feels like she doesn't want to go with me specifically rather than any worries about air travel as she is perfectly fine on flights we've taken."

If it is the case, then the concert and travel tickets are the least of your problems. Bring it out into the open.

You’d not go anywhere without your kids? Like, ever?

So if she were to die in an air crash, she’d want her children to die too? Rather than have them safe and welll at home? What a strange attitude.

She doesn't want to leave the (teenage!) kids to go anywhere until they're financially independent? So, realistically, early twenties at the earliest?

That's ludicrous. That needs a serious talk, because yes, it absolutely smacks of avoiding alone time with you, and with fairly flimsy excuses to boot.