Reasonable expectations for adult child to visit grand parents

[BelDesMon]

My DD is 22, she works full time, lives on her own. We are a multinational family, my dad is French, my mum is English (I was raised in England but moved to France at 18) and DDs dad who sadly passed away when she was 14 was Italian. DD was raised in France until she was 15, but following my husbands passing we moved to the uk as I really needed my parents.
My parents live in the Cotswolds, My late husbands parents live in Italy about an hour from Florence.
We also own a home in France.

DD came to me recently saying she feels like there is a lot of pressure on her to visit grandparents. She has a boyfriend who she would rather spend her weekends with and works in the week so it’s hard to fit it in.
Her annual leave she likes to spend either at the house in France or on holiday elsewhere.

So far this year she’s visited her Italian Grandparents 3 times, one for a long weekend but she had to work while there (so Thursday night - Monday night but worked from home on the Friday and Monday) and twice for short weekends, flying in Friday night and leaving Sunday night.
Shes seen my parents 5 times, once she got the train to them on the Sunday morning (they now live in the Cotswolds) stayed the Sunday night worked from there on the Monday had dinner with them then came back. The other times they have come to London and just met her for dinner or lunch.
My parents have expressed to me that they wish they could see more of her.
It’s also apparently causing controversy that from about April-September nearly every other weekend, she was flying to France on the Friday night with her boyfriend, weekend in the holiday home and flying back either Sunday or Monday night depending on work commitments.

AIBU to think she is seeing grandparents plenty? DD comes to ours every Wednesday night for dinner but we live in London so it’s not as much of a trek? I rarely if ever see her on weekends.

I think that sounds relatively healthy considering the schedule and boundaries inflicted due to life commitments/geography etc.

Modern life is hectic - we visit my elderly in laws weekly now and even that can feel a slight burden on time (from my end anyway, My Husband would live there permanantly I think) - Not because I don't like them etc but because of how quickly it comes around and it's half a day out of a weekend, with so much else ging on (none of which is a social life may I add!).
'Visitation' obligations as we get older definitely become more complicated when Grandparents are in the equation for sure - it's a decision as to where we value our time/relationships more against the juggle of work/household and other priorities.

It’s great they all like seeing her so much but 3 visits to the Italian gp and seeing the Cotswolds ones 5 times sounds absolutely fine to me. And you don’t have to justify her coming to see you every Wednesday night, that’s lovely.

This is probably a good life lesson for her about setting boundaries and not feeling obliged to bend to other people’s expectations as long as she feels what she is doing is reasonable.

There should be very little expectation for an young adult grandchild to visit especially if
overseas. But once a year would be respectful; more kind.
The situation with the Italian grandparents is difficult as they lost their son but even so a couple of times a year is good.
Your parents should stop putting pressure on her to go . She goes plenty.

Your dd is doing more than enough as it is, given how spread out they all are. Dd is also working snd in a relationship. Why not suggest the Cotswolds grandparents join you when they can on a Wednesday night for supper? Maybe once a month? They will have more time than any of you to travel. I think their expectations are too high, if they are expecting her to do more.

Or they could move to London and see both of you more often.

I think she's seeing them a lot. They can't seriously expect to see her every week as if they lived round the corner from her!

It's impressive at least that your parents travel to see her. But that will get harder.

I would always encourage grandchildren to stay in touch with video calls or phone calls, and an annual visit to them would be pretty much a minimum I think. I have to say though that I think they are lucky. My nieces and nephews only have one remaining grandparent but the annual visit is about all they do. Ds does more browbeaten by me and has more grandparents but still nothing like as much as your daughter. I would back her up very emphatically to them. She's not a child and has every right to spend a lot of time with her boyfriend.

It really bugs me when the healthy, retired usually wealthy grandparents with plenty of time on their hands place such pressure snd burdens on the young like this op.

I would be quite forthright with them. They are still able to travel so the onus is on them for now, as she has to work!

The grandparents need to back off and stop pressuring her. She's actually seen both sets a lot for a girl her age.
She's young and has her own life to establish. She's building her career and of course she'd rather see her boyfriend than hang around with grandparents! Weren't they young once?
Is she the only grandchild by any chance?

Just so you can compare. My teens are a little younger than yours but all adults, visit their grandparents once a year, sometimes twice. They live all over the UK and are studying.

I voted incorrectly. She is visiting more than most. Zero pressure on my older DC to visit grandparents

Another vote for your DD already doing plenty and grandparents need to manage their expectations more. Is she the only grandchild?

I am 25 and visited my grandparents who live abroad once a year. Boyfriend, friends and family, work, expense and other commitments such as sport means its near impossible to do it more than once per year. They are understanding, I always give them a ring every few months.

Your DD does more than most of my friends who dont have GPs living on their doorstep.

I'm getting such a sense of de ja vu with this thread... Someone has definitely posted this before.... Spooky

That sounds a lot given the travel involved, it's not like she can pop in for a hour. how often do they visit you guys?

My dds are similar age and grandparents are within a thirty minute drive. They see my dad every couple of months and their dad's parents (who they are closer to) every few weeks. They both work full time and have boyfriends/social ives going on at a weekend.

I think it sounds like she's visiting loads, I suspect I didn't see my grandparents as much at that age and I lived in the same city as them.

That's plenty of visits for grandparents assuming none of them are terminally ill. A couple of times a year is perfectly reasonable for a 22yo and she's doing more than that. She's out there living her life and should have minimal family expectations.

I have a grandparent abroad, and I only manage to visit once a year, but I prioritise it over a holiday, so I stay for two weeks. Other than that, eight grandparent visits a year are loads, and a schlep to the Cotswolds from London is quite an undertaking. To be honest, it is probably easier to visit Italy.

Similarly international family. I'd see grandparents once or twice a year at most at that age.

That's plenty of visiting.

Do the grandparents travel to visit her?

It sounds enough. She’s only 22 you don’t want her burning out

That sounds like she is doing a lot of travelling. She is also quite young and those visits will be costing her money and the time doesn't feel as much at that age (I remember the days of driving a few hundred miles and back in a day), but it really is a lot of effort if you think about it.
My nieces and nephews are in the same country and only see GPS at family gatherings at Christmas/ if GPS visit them really. When they were in different countries, they made no independent travels to see their GPS.
At 22, I lived in the same country as my GPS and phoned once a month minimum and visited about 5 times- and they lived within an hrs drive!
I really think she is doing plenty. I hope nobody is putting pressure on her.

It's simple ask her if they were to die tomorrow would she feel like she's seen them enough, or would she feel like some of those weekends in France would have been better spent in the Cotswolds or Italy.

I think once a year for a long weekend abroad to see those grandparents and 2/3 times a year for the ones in the Cotswolds would be perfectly reasonable.

She is already doing more than enough, so definitely doesn't need to be trying to squeeze more in.

Do the Grandparents visit her? If not why not? This works both ways. STBXH parents are like this, incapable of visiting anybody else and expect the world to come to them.

Your DD sounds a very attentive DGD to me. Its not like she can pop in on her way from work for a cuppa, the visits are a significant commitment of time and money for her. If she feels under pressure then I'd be supporting her to come to a level that feels more comfortable. Does she keep in touch in other ways? Could she maybe send them both a fortnightly email to share her news? Message them with photos? Face time? Even an old style card or letter now and again to show she's thinking of them? (If she already does all this and the visits, then she's a very good DGD indeed!)

How often do they come to visit her?

My grandparents were great they accepted my life was busy and loved hearing from me with messages and phone calls. But then they had plenty of grandchildren so I imagine that eased the pressure on each of us individually