Reasonable expectations for adult child to visit grand parents

[BelDesMon]

My DD is 22, she works full time, lives on her own. We are a multinational family, my dad is French, my mum is English (I was raised in England but moved to France at 18) and DDs dad who sadly passed away when she was 14 was Italian. DD was raised in France until she was 15, but following my husbands passing we moved to the uk as I really needed my parents.
My parents live in the Cotswolds, My late husbands parents live in Italy about an hour from Florence.
We also own a home in France.

DD came to me recently saying she feels like there is a lot of pressure on her to visit grandparents. She has a boyfriend who she would rather spend her weekends with and works in the week so it’s hard to fit it in.
Her annual leave she likes to spend either at the house in France or on holiday elsewhere.

So far this year she’s visited her Italian Grandparents 3 times, one for a long weekend but she had to work while there (so Thursday night - Monday night but worked from home on the Friday and Monday) and twice for short weekends, flying in Friday night and leaving Sunday night.
Shes seen my parents 5 times, once she got the train to them on the Sunday morning (they now live in the Cotswolds) stayed the Sunday night worked from there on the Monday had dinner with them then came back. The other times they have come to London and just met her for dinner or lunch.
My parents have expressed to me that they wish they could see more of her.
It’s also apparently causing controversy that from about April-September nearly every other weekend, she was flying to France on the Friday night with her boyfriend, weekend in the holiday home and flying back either Sunday or Monday night depending on work commitments.

AIBU to think she is seeing grandparents plenty? DD comes to ours every Wednesday night for dinner but we live in London so it’s not as much of a trek? I rarely if ever see her on weekends.

DD lost her dad age 14. Of all people I doubt she needs prompting to think about how she'd feel when a loved one dies. This is emotional blackmail of the highest order.

Agreed. She's young and having adventures, she shouldn't be sat at her grandparents house every weekend just in case they die

I'd say she's seeing her grandparents plenty. When you bear in mind the logistics they're doing well in visiting times.

My son of a similar age hardly ever sees his grandparents. They all live about 3 hours away from him. The only time he definitely sees them is at Christmas, then perhaps one or two other times throughout the year, often if there is an occasion going on.
My grandmother used to phone me once or twice a week - maybe they could do Facetime if they'd like to speak to her more often? I only see my own son a few times a year but we talk a lot.

I think she's doing well really , many young people cba when they only live around the corner

I agree with this.

I was going to suggest FaceTime

She is seeing all the GPs far more than many young adults do. To have flown 3 times this year to visit the Italian GPs is a lot in terms of time and expense, I think once or twice a year to visit overseas GPs would be perfectly adequate. And 5 meetings with your UK based parents also more than enough. It’s unreasonable of them to expect more, and frankly selfish. She’s a young adult finding her way in the world, with a job and a relationship which will both be priorities for her. Presumably she also has friends and a social life.

I also wouldn’t be suggesting the GPs travel to visit her either - that allows them to impose on her and puts her under even more pressure. They need to back off.

Just to give perspective. My Mum is 70 now, we lost my Dad last year. Both my DC are at Uni approx 200 miles away from home. Mum has been to visit them both and we are going down to see DS again this weekend. The DC also FT their Nan regularly. It should be a two way process unless they are very frail or ill.

I don't see my grandchildren anywhere near as often as I'd like but that's just life. Their parents work, the children are at school, they have Saturday activities and of course, other family and friends to visit/socialise with too. We have to take our place in the queue. They are also a three hour drive away so no casual dropping in or baby sitting. We are quite close and WhatsApp almost daily with silly stuff, brief news etc and speak about once every couple of weeks.The grandparents need to step back and accept your daughter has an independent life with demands on her time. Did they have more contact when she was younger? Has this left a huge gap in their life now they don't see her so much ? It must be very sad for the Italian family, I can understand why they want to see her often.

They are probably lonely and want to see her but they need to lay off the guilt trips

I think the grandparents sound a bit clueless about young people tbh. She’s got her own life and interests, they can’t still expect a grown woman to come for tea with granny once a week. Even if they only lived down the road from each other. Surely they want her to forge her own way in the world. What if she decides she wants to emigrate to Australia one day?

Well she's visiting far more than any of the Grandchildren do in our family, and they all live in the same country - albeit at opposite ends, so up to a 5 hour drive and almost impossible on public transport.
Our DCs have only ever seen their paternal GPs twice a year since they moved to the other side of the country. Now it's usually once a year at Christmas.
Maternal GPs now deceased.

Oh it's difficult, GPs probably don't like that she has time from April to September to go away and not see them. But she's very young. I find with my own elderly parents they may say " I want my gcs to live their own life " etc and mean it to some extent but still would rather be visited. I think your DD shouldn't feel under pressure. Also I would say the working world has changed there's a lot of pressure especially when you are trying to build up your career as your DD is. Honestly, she sounds a responsible and caring young adult.

Bloody hell, don’t ask her this! What a horrible piece of guilt tripping emotional blackmail. As the OP and her daughter know far too well, those closest to us can die at any time and we can’t control that - no one should be organising their life worrying about people dying.

OP it sounds like she’s seeing them loads given the distances/travel involved and she absolutely should not be made to feel guilty for enjoying time in France with her bf. I think suggesting a regular video call is a good idea but I agree - back her not to feel pressurised to rearrange her young life round more visits, when she already makes a real effort.

I would imagine the Italian grandparents wish for more because of the loss of their son (presumably) fairly young. This isn’t their granddaughter’s problem to fix, but it’s not the same situation as the maternal grandparents are in.

I think both grandparents need to come to terms that your DD has her ow. Time commitments and life and just cannot see them so much. To ease this transition for both sets of grandparents, could your DD keep in regular touch via WhatsApp and maybe FaceTime every few weeks.

I agree with the majority, she sees them plenty under the circumstances. Why can’t they visit her?

L

Not really blackmail more of a way getting her to think. If she honestly feels like she's seeing her GPs enough then she'll say no I wouldn't regret it.
I wish my parents had done similar with me rather than letting me just see my GPs a few times a year; because once they're gone they're gone for a very long time

That’s outrageous - she is seeing plenty of her grandparents - too much actually given their locations and the fact it’s her who always has to travel. She is young, just starting out in life, has a boyfriend, had her mum and friends - her grandparents are only one aspect of her life.

She sounds lovely that she makes such an effort already to see her grandparents. Next time she visits either, she needs to say, she’s had a lovely visit and hopes to get down to see them again in whatever month four month’s time is and she’d love to see them in London in between. Keep in touch between visits.

She is seeing them more than I saw my own parents at that age. I was living abroad and would manage to go home twice a year - 1/2 weeks in summer, and 5 days at Christmas.

We have a similar setup in our family so grandparents were in yet another country, I’d probably visit every 4-5 years for a weekend.

Most people in my family have either migrated themselves or had children who moved away quite early, back in the day when low-cost airlines didn’t exist, and there was no such thing as annual leave for migrant (often undocumented) workers. Expectations were different - they kept in touch by phone quite often, but visits were rare, and I’m talking about all European countries here, no long-haul.

Even now in the 2010/20’s, there are no expectations for us to feel so obliged to visit relatives that often - everyone understands you form a new life, friends, family and social circle when you live in a different country. Family relationships change when everyone lives so far apart and it’s not sad, just different.

The more she feels under pressure or expectation to visit, the more she'll resent them. I think you could speak to your parents and gently remind them she's in the prime of her life now and forming her own interests, relationships and career so isn't going to have the same amount of time or interest in visiting relatives for long weekends. As for her Italian grandparents, she needs to manage that conversation supported by you.

I live very close to mine but only see them about 2/3 times a year. Mainly because they can be quite hurtful to be around and I come away feeling unhappy and stressed.

My grandmother was lucky if she saw me for an hour every other year, but she was not a pleasant woman.

I think your daughter is honestly going above and beyond - grandparents need to understand that grandchildren have their own lives and also, that phone calls and video calls exist if they're missing her. Obviously if they lived close she could drop in more often but as that isn't possible, they need to be realistic.