In a terrible pickle about ex, house and moving, and children's wishes, and my own bloody sanity

[Jollofoldmaninaredsuit]

Split up with ex and the father of my children two years ago. The split was due to his own anxiety, drinking and our house move. We bought our dream house but the area is so rough (literally murders, crime, aggressive neighbours). It set my ex's anxiety through the roof, and he was started on by a neighbour which sent him into a spiral of anxiety and drinking. Not to make excuses for him but he's very socially anxious. Our dd has autism and I think he may do too. This incident caused him to become determined to move. But no one would buy our house.

He became increasingly angry. And irrational. He was telling me to sell to one of these 'we buy any house' schemes, even though we wouldn't have enough to buy anything after. We aren't on very good wages and this house was my inheritance. There is no way we would be allowed to borrow above what we had already.
It cumulated with him ringing me on holiday, fuming and screaming at me to sell for any price and that he would be dead in a year if I didn't.
I told him to leave. Go to his parents and seek help. Get better and we'll talk.
He hasn't got help. He is drinking less and is calmer but this is obviously away from the house situation.
We just went away together for the children's sake and it was ok. I don't want to be in a relationship again. But the children love him.
They love having him there and not having to go to two houses.
I must admit I love the extra help. It has been a tough two years. I do everything. Every drop off, pick up, every bit of housework. I have a full on, full time job. I've been so skint I could cry. He does send money but I'm stubborn and don't ask. I'm also doing a course which I never have time to do. In short I'm drowning. At times I feel like I'm sort of sleep walking through life, on constant fight or flight.
But I'm not stupid. There were many times when he brought me so much stress. He used to get mad when I had friends over if they stayed past 11pm if he had work or if the kids were loud in the garden. He was penny pinching at times. He wouldn't always shower or change his clothes.
Tbh him moving back in is a shit option. Having to do it all on my own is a shit option. If I could use a magic wand then maybe him having a flat close or an annex would be ideal. He won't move back here, so do we try to move? Again?
Kids want him back. But they don't want to move. I want to move. But don't feel it will solve all the problems. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. But I struggle doing it all. And I don't want to move on.
Anyone else know how it feels?

I've looked into renting it out. I think that's the only option although not easy as we have a cat.

No ..do not take him back
That is swapping one hard for another hard ..your swapping hard for easy having him back .
It's your house from inheritance..are you married can he claim half of you divorce..that would effect me selling now or selling when kids are adults.
If your married and he gets half if you sell ,I wouldn't sell.

Not not not
Not swapping hard for easy having him him back

I suppose my issue is which 'hard' is easier. I suck at doing everything. The DCs miss him, but I don't on a personal level. I miss having another person to wash up or hoover, or take the children to the shop, or put them to bed. I don't see us having a relationship again, but if he could move closer it would be ideal.

Are you married
Can he take half the value of the house
That massively effects anny help people can give

You don't say how old the kids are
What is the secondary school situation
Can you send them to one you drive to on your way to work ,so they are not walking locally

Also ,if you move elsewhere,he will move himself back in ..you don't seem sure of what you want ,so he will push to get feet under table
Staying where he is , keeps him at arms length.
Kids should be helping you out more

You don't owe anybody access to your body, life and your own mental health.
You are not a support animal for another human being.

You said you can't afford to move, so don't. Or accept that you and your children will have to live in a flat, with less room if you do move.

He is no longer your responsbility and you are not his mother. Start divorce proceedings, let your kids know as kindly as you can that you will not be getting back together.

Be practical, things will improve as the kids get older with chores etc, are you doing your course to earn more money? Keep looking for better paid work. Right now it feels never ending, but month by month they are getting older and more independent.

He can see his kids when HE can see his kids. You can't fix him and you're not wealthy enough to buy him his own place.

Your priority MUST BE your children, and you have indicated they feel safe and happy in your home, so stay there until you have a more realistic option.

Anyway, that's my take on it.

Oh, and PS, if he is so mentally ill that he could not stop taking out his angry, irrational abuse on his wife and kids, he's not safe to be around anyway. Whether he has reasons or not, your safety and the safety of your kids take priority over "be kind".

Sorry ,I meant staying in the house you are in , keeps him at arms length.
My old nan used to say
If in doubt,do nought .
Right now you have enough to cope with ,don't add to that trying to move house ,as that's just more pressure on you

Op I’m a landlord. I think it would be very unwise to rent your property. To hopefully break even, you will have to be prepared to live in a small flat with a rental value of least 30% less than the market rent for your home.

You will be taxed on your income. You will have to maintain the house to a certain standard and tenants may not treat your home as nicely as you do. There are a lot of on costs - annual gas checks, 5 yearly electrical checks (plus any remedial work), legionnaires risk assessments (you can do this one yourself with the right paperwork), EPC every 10 years. You have to enter a tax return. If you use an agent. You really need deep pockets, ie a good savings buffer.

Idk how things are with renting through a HA, ie if you have guaranteed rent. But you’ll get a rent lower than on the open market from an HA. And they will get a chunk of the income for finding a tenant for you and managing the property, much like an agent would.

Then when you come to sell your house, you will be charged capital gains tax on the increase in value based on the amount of time you didn’t live in the house. Any time you lived there doesn’t count as it is your home, ie your principal primary residence.

As for your ex. No, don’t let him move back in. Your children won’t be young forever. I can’t tell you what to do re moving areas as I hear that you will have to downsize. No way would I buy your ex a home or give him any money. You will seriously regret it if he starts drinking again. His situation is his issue and hopefully things will improve so that he is able to get a tiny rental even if it is a studio flat.

Then there are the schools, if your eldest is the one with an EHCP, I think you can request a specific school. Idk if you’d be successful but schools publish admission criteria so you could choose a suitable school and look at the sibling rules.

Would you have been okay living there if he had not poisoned it for you. I've lived in rough areas all my life. The rough element live in their house, not yours. Everywhere I have lived there have been some decent folks who have nice houses. The one I live in for a start.

You are risking shitting all over what you already have, for him. He will use you up and spit you out, if you let him.

I'd advise you to do nothing. Make the best of what you have. Build on it, for you and the children, until you can better your circumstances. This is not forever, not if you leave him out of the equation. Do you really want to share your bed with him again for the children's sake alone. He sounds like he's harder work than the kids to look after.

You sound at the end of your tether and it's a very bad time to make decisions. Take more time.

Don't let the "in sickness and in health part" in to your thinking either. I can practically guarantee he doesn't think about that.

I should have added, unless things are really bad and you can ask around, I wouldn’t move if you have a nice property. Can you deal with the structural issues?

@Mummyoflittledragon not really. My house is structurally sound, but it is connected to houses that aren't. I can't do anything about the ones that aren't.
I've lived in rough areas too and it's not that I mind it. But it makes your house absolutely unsellable. One side we have an actual drug dealer, so people falling into the garden, looking in my car windows, looking at my house, trying to work out if they could break in. There's frequent fights, man shouting that he was going to stab someone else's dog.
So even if I am willing to deal with it, no one else is going to. There's discarded sofas etc in people's front gardens, and it wasn't like this when we moved in.
Now I feel trapped because I know I can't sell. It's that feeling of 'I can't sell, I can't move, I can't get ill, I can't lose my job' and the overwhelming pressure. I have a good job. It's very highly pressured and to be fair I deal with a lot of shit. Then I feel like I can't relax at home, it's just too much.

Are these neighbours renting or have they bought the properties ?

That sounds really stressful OP. Maybe it would be better to sell to a company that buys any house even if you would struggle to recoup your investment.
Could you save or borrow enough for a deposit on a flat in a better area and just work up from there? You have a good job, so you could get a bigger place eventually.
I desperately wanted to move from a negative equity property in the early 90s, and lost money on our first flat and it took every penny and more to move to a different area but once there the relief was wonderful. So many people scoffed at us taking a loss on the flat, but it was the best decision, for DC as well.
I know your DCs have a good primary school where they are, but it would be better to move them now before they start to walk to school themselves if you are that concerned about the area.

Is he your partner or husband? Sorry I might have missed that info. Just wondering how selling impacts you financially in that sense.

You mentioned the house was bought with inheritance? Which is sort of extra money. What decisions would you have made if you’d never received it. Where would you live, how would you pay for accommodation?

I’m wondering whether it is worth looking at selling at auction or for a lower price then you paid. It’s shit, but you are losing part of something you may have had to live without anyway if circumstances had gone differently. So can you go back and make decisions from that pre inheritance place and see this house as an extra.

(Sorry I don’t think I’m articulating what I mean very clearly!)

@NotStayingIn no I get what you mean. Yes, that's sort of my thinking too. If I didn't have this place, I'd be happy in a two bed flat. Maybe I would be lusting after four beds with huge gardens, but seeing the reality now, I know that I don't have that kind of money. I'll be happy wherever my family are, as long as I have my safety.

If you like the inside of the house and the space what can you do to improve the other issues? Can you report all antisocial behaviour to the council and criminal behaviour to the police. There should be a communities officer at the council and if you complain enough they usually will do something.
Would some cctv make you feel safer? Decent fencing in the garden with anti climb paint? Things that done cost a fortune but will help.
It’s a really difficult time to sell atm but there will be a point in the future when the housing market goes crazy and that’s when you sell

I second getting on to the council. Start a log of all antisocial behaviour issues and get your local councillor involved. Tell them you feel vulnerable and don’t want to be identified but you do want something done.

You seem to be responsible for everyone's issues somehow. Bluntly, drop the rope. One problem at a time.

If you can move before your oldest needs to apply for secondary school. I would do that so they can get into a secondary school good with autism

I see this on MN all the time. I guess it's a nice fantasy for people to have that the police or council will swoop in and save you if you or your family end up in this situation. But they don't and can't.
Especially if you are a homeowner. The way they see it, you can move. I was begging the council to help me, as I can't sell, I can't rent it to them, I can't do anything. They made it clear that it's my problem, because they have no duty to me, but if they moved my problem neighbours they would have to rehouse them.
Even harassment charges don't help you. A neighbour of ours was racist and sexually abusive to another Asian neighbour. Still got to stay in their house. Imagine living next door to someone who was so vile to you? The police and council think we're lost causes. In an estate of our complexity, a bit of fly tipping or some drug dealing isn't going to cut it.
You would like to think you have choices but you really don't.

I was begging the council to help me, as I can't sell, I can't rent it to them, I can't do anything. They made it clear that it's my problem, because they have no duty to me, but if they moved my problem neighbours they would have to rehouse them.

Council officials often sit up straighter and get on with their jobs if they have the local councillor breathing down their necks.

Op do you have room for a lodger? Someone who would help you with the kids for a reduced rent? Maybe another single parent? A friend? A distant relation? Ideally a 6 ft rugby player? But any trustworthy person would do. A junior teacher at one of your kids’s schools? A fellow parent? A work colleague?

And to eradicate the “pickle” bit; be as selfish as you can and do what you need to do, even if that is nothing.

You are trying to do what is best for everyone else but in this instance what is best for you, will be automatically best for the dc, because you are carrying everyone and everything. So you need to be in good shape.

So whatever you decide, it needs to make it as easy as possible for you to keep everything functioning. Even though it’s far from easy atm if that makes sense. It’s going to be tough but have a think
about all the ways that you can change your routines and your parenting and your accommodation to suit yourself now that your dp is gone.

So if you want to eat beans on toast off paper plates sitting on the floor and all sleep together on mattresses in the sitting room that’s fine! In other words, lower your standards and parent imperfectly to reduce the stress on yourself.

Don’t feel guilty about leaving your dp, I know he has mh issues or nd challenges and it’s not his fault he was intimidated by a neighbour, but he is choosing not to address his anxiety and when faced with a difficult situation, instead of sticking with you and the dc, and helping, and having your back, he added to your problems.

The upshot being that he is unreliable for whatever reason and it would be a mistake to count on his help as it will lead to disappointment, Definitely get as much financial support from him for the kids as you can. But treat any childcare from him as a bonus. Don’t make him a central part of your main plan for the future. Maybe in time he could look after the dc one night a week so you can go out and have a social life?

Maybe talk to your course administrators and get a deferral while you deal with this immediate crisis.

Could you go to Shelter or CAB and get some advice about housing options? You can’t be the first person who is worried about living in their home because of local crime.

Can you add some more electronic alarms and cameras to your home?

Is there any scope in your area for setting up a community based anti-drug neighbourhood watch type of organisation? Get in touch anonymously with the police about the drug dealer next door. If he could be forced out, I imagine your living situation would improve massively.

Can you and your neighbours go and see your local mp. Get them to put pressure on the local police.

Good luck 💪

Sorry op. I’ve just read your update about the local police and council being useless.

It’s totally shit that resources have been so run down in local policing, local police stations shut, local councils going bankrupt etc. Apologies for suggesting things that you have already tried.