In a terrible pickle about ex, house and moving, and children's wishes, and my own bloody sanity

[Jollofoldmaninaredsuit]

Split up with ex and the father of my children two years ago. The split was due to his own anxiety, drinking and our house move. We bought our dream house but the area is so rough (literally murders, crime, aggressive neighbours). It set my ex's anxiety through the roof, and he was started on by a neighbour which sent him into a spiral of anxiety and drinking. Not to make excuses for him but he's very socially anxious. Our dd has autism and I think he may do too. This incident caused him to become determined to move. But no one would buy our house.

He became increasingly angry. And irrational. He was telling me to sell to one of these 'we buy any house' schemes, even though we wouldn't have enough to buy anything after. We aren't on very good wages and this house was my inheritance. There is no way we would be allowed to borrow above what we had already.
It cumulated with him ringing me on holiday, fuming and screaming at me to sell for any price and that he would be dead in a year if I didn't.
I told him to leave. Go to his parents and seek help. Get better and we'll talk.
He hasn't got help. He is drinking less and is calmer but this is obviously away from the house situation.
We just went away together for the children's sake and it was ok. I don't want to be in a relationship again. But the children love him.
They love having him there and not having to go to two houses.
I must admit I love the extra help. It has been a tough two years. I do everything. Every drop off, pick up, every bit of housework. I have a full on, full time job. I've been so skint I could cry. He does send money but I'm stubborn and don't ask. I'm also doing a course which I never have time to do. In short I'm drowning. At times I feel like I'm sort of sleep walking through life, on constant fight or flight.
But I'm not stupid. There were many times when he brought me so much stress. He used to get mad when I had friends over if they stayed past 11pm if he had work or if the kids were loud in the garden. He was penny pinching at times. He wouldn't always shower or change his clothes.
Tbh him moving back in is a shit option. Having to do it all on my own is a shit option. If I could use a magic wand then maybe him having a flat close or an annex would be ideal. He won't move back here, so do we try to move? Again?
Kids want him back. But they don't want to move. I want to move. But don't feel it will solve all the problems. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. But I struggle doing it all. And I don't want to move on.
Anyone else know how it feels?

Anyone?

You're going to have to do something you don't want to do. As it can't be going back into a relationship you don't want, I would say moving is your only other option.

Can't he have the children for longer periods? Or pay proper maintenance so you aren't struggling?

@Entertainmentcentral no he lives in a shared house. Can't afford anything else. I don't think he could pay more maintenance as he's paying more than he legally has to.

I think on balance you do need to move. Sell the house, move somewhere he can cope with and get 2 smaller places so your DH can help out. What age are the kids?

What was the feedback on the house? Was it simply the area or are there obvious problems with the house too? It’s been a dire time to sell this year but good properties which are reasonably priced will still sell. What’s the issue with the area- is it known to be terrible or has it got worse?

I would try to get some brutal feedback from agents (maybe even the Mumsnet property board) and aim to have it on for a realistic price probably in January.

And you should have a sensible maintenance plan with your ex- especially if he’s living with his mum.

@Heronwatcher oh it's a mixture of all things, it's structurally a shit house, in a shit area, with even more crime and violence than when we moved in. Haven't even got a bus service now. There's no way we'd get enough for two smaller houses. If I'm lucky I'd get enough for a two bed flat.

Ok, the reason I asked is that you must have liked something about it to buy it- I’m wondering if you can try to bring that out for the next buyer? If it’s mid- renovation, could you do basic repairs and make sure that people know it’s liveable and they can get a mortgage?

Realistically if you can only get one place, could you move closer to his parents? It sounds like he might be better there for the time being at least.

Is this even going to go away if you move? Say you move and a new neighbour is rude to your DH and he spirals again... what then? He needs serious help (stating obvious I know) for mental health but also possibly drinking. I don't think it's normal even with bad anxiety to head to booze.

I think you do have to move, get house on the market. You never know, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

Speak to your course supervisor so they know you’re having problems which are impacting your abilities on the course.
I don’t think you should have him back. Can his parents help to facilitate the kids visiting him every other weekend?

You both need to have separate properties where they can both accommodate the children then he could have the children more and you'd be less flustered.

Could you move to a cheaper area to enable this?

His parents are massively overcrowded. There's no room for them. Occasionally he rents an air bnb but no one likes it and it's stressful for the children.

@seedsandseeds well our jobs are here and my children are settled in school. It would do them more harm to uproot them. My dd has just got an EHCP and if I uproot them then I wouldn't be able to just pick that up again, plus I have a support network here.

You need to stop behaving that there may be a chance that you might get back together. The uncertainty is of your marriage is probably more damaging then you splitting for good. Once you’ve done that, then you can move forward.

@AgentJohnson but surely with mental health, you owe that person the chance to recover? Otherwise you're just writing them off? He has anxiety, he had a crisis. I feel this is part of the 'through sickness and in health' part.

Sending a big hug x

You said the house was your dream house once, what was appealing about it then and could other buyers see the same in it? It's easy to think that if you don't want something that it's useless to anyone else.

Could you give him the space to recover and not be involved for a while? How would that set up look for you? Would living in the structurally unsound house in a rough area be ok for you and the children if his behaviour and comments were out of the picture for a while, not permanently?
I find it helps to take emotions out of impossible situations and sometimes the path looks clearer so....forget him for a moment, can you make a safe and relatively happy life for you and the children where you are or do you have to move for practical (not emotional) reasons? That's your first decision really x

@EauNeu there's lots of positives. But as soon as people see it, they see the other side. So huge south facing garden but smell of weed smoke and other neighbours shouting. Close to city centre but secondary schools are questionable. Big rooms but ex local authority and originally non standard construction. You would have to really love it!

I think the marriage vows view of the world is quite dangerous and it just encourages you to put his needs over your own when you don’t have the spare capacity to do that - you are already doing way more than your fair share of holding things together. Focus on what would help you to manage the responsibilities you have taken on with the kids (financial and emotionally) and don’t be afraid to make the best decisions for you / your kids - not for him. If you had loads of spare money/energy/time it would be different - but no one person can do more than a certain amount and it sounds like you are at the limit and so need to be crystal clear about what really matters to you and stop worrying about what’s best for him.

@Lifestooshort71 practically I don't have to move. This house has everything and if I could pick it up and move it I would, I wouldn't change a thing about it. But i feel in fear. I can't really put a finger on why. It's the knowledge of something unpredictable happening again. I won't sit in my garden or if I get out of the car I rush straight into the house. I worry about my children walking to school on their own in a few years due to crime/ drugs.

Could you rent it out and rent something else yourself?

Rent it out or sell to housing association and move. Don't go back to your unstable husband and as somebody else said stop behaving as if there is a chance you'll get back with him, you've said yourself you aren't stupid. Children grow up quick and it won't be long before the burden of housework etc lifts.

By the sounds of it they're already in the cheaper area.

He used to get mad when I had friends over if they stayed past 11pm if he had work I mean.. I'd be a bit annoyed at this. I wouldn't "get mad" but I'd be a bit pissed off as it's a bit inconsiderate.

The rest of it, your only solution really is to move into a small flat either with or without him. You can't live there thinking your kids are going to get stabbed. The fact you're worried about the area means you can at least understand where he's coming from. For the kids sake though this can't be an on/off thing. They need stability one way or the other.

Have you tried seeing if the council would buy the house?

Then that's your first given, you need to move to a safer area. Think about how you might do that (leave him out of the equation atm) and what your options are. Baby steps.....