To feel pissed off with DH?

[LemonyMarathon]

This issue is niggling. Am I being a sulky perimenopausal cow, or do I have a point?

DH does lots of day to day stuff round the house (e.g., cooking, laundry), because he works very PT. I'm the main earner and work FT. He could earn more, but doesn't work many hours and very much values time not working. Fine. I knew he was like this when I met him (although it was pre-kids and I didn't understand implications).

He hates DIY, and it takes YONKS to get him to do anything, although he is also really reluctant to get someone in. He recently took 18 months to fit a curtain rail.

Anyway, this week, he announces he's spending most of a weekday (one of the few in which he usually works the full day) helping a mate out with some DIY. Fitting a curtain rail, in fact.

I'm just... fucked off. I feel like a right bitch - he's helping out a lovely mate. I just think this kind of takes the piss. AIBU?

The idea of a man working and a woman staying home and cooking, childcare and housework are frowned upon, however when a man is in the firing line he is required to do those things. The idea of ‘I’ve been at work all day, I’m tired, you should do it’ is wrong for a man yet, it’s right for a woman.

however, pulling your weight is necessary in a relationship. I’m agreeing and disagreeing with you morally and politically. I work full-time and still cook dinner, and I love to cook. I don’t expect my wife to be below me just because I work a lot more hours, I do what I can outside of work and then some. It’s a relationship not a competition.

@LemonyMarathon it’s easy enough to learn how to do it yourself? Maybe fit the pole ar yours while he’s at his mates (or get someone in and let him think you did it 😬😬😬)

OP I completely get how you feel. I have a somewhat similar situation going on.

It's not (just) the unequal effort and contributions, for me. It's the unacknowledged breaking of the implicit deal, that as partners you share the load, goals, mutual support and ownership of problems and their solutions.

My DH works, but so ineffectively that he has made virtually no financial contribution to family life for years. Ive iffered him the option of stopping work to becone the SAHP and running the house (since financially it would make no difference) but he doesn't want to do that. He does cook most weeknights, and does do some of the household jobs, and brings me a cup of tea every morning. But the lion's share of the house responsibilities are on me, as well as most parenting and earning all the money. Whoever I raise it he agrees it's unacceptable, disagrees with any solution I propose, promises to find a way through himself, and nothing changes.

I'm so resentful now. I do a lot of things myself just to get them done, but each time I do it's another example of how much we're no longer pulling together. If it wasn't for the DC and the fact that I'm buggered if I'm giving him half a house he hasn't paid for, we'd be over. He's a nice chap but we're not a strong team.

I don't blame you for feeling it.

I'd separate finances in that case and start putting money aside for your own foreign holidays with the kids, or with your friends, or on your own, plus the other things you like. And of course someone to do the DIY. He can spend his own lesser amount on the camping holidays he enjoys so much, and.. oh, guess his family will now have to help him pay for their family reunions.

How is it going to take the two of them most of a day to fit one curtain rail together? My husband did our whole 4 bedroom house by himself in an afternoon.

He makes 6 of 7 dinners a week. He does more of the day to day housework than I do - probably 70:30, I'd say. But of the longer-term tasks (clearing out stuff; going to the tip; sorting car insurance, phone contracts, house insurance, pet insurance) and "life admin" (organising kids' dentists, doctors, etc) I think I do the vast majority.

They're also going to do some digging (while our garden drowns in brambles)

Hahaha do this! Or ask if he can do something else that day he’s taken off. Him: but I’ve taken the day to help Bob. You: you only put up Curtain rails for people when it’s actually their birthday though so you won’t actually be doing it Tuesday? You forget I’ve seen this in action. Or …are you telling me you will only do any diy for me if it’s my birthday but for bob you’ll book a day off and sprint out the door? How do you think I should feel about that? I know how I feel.

I got one like this but he does work full time.The now grown up children still remind him of all the stuff he said he would do and didn't.One of the boys got him a t shirt " if dad can't fix it noone can" he wasn't amused, I thought it was hilarious.
Just get some one in save yourself the grief and do it sooner rather than later.I have left dome things for too long and am having issues because of this.
Plus side we been married for almost 30 years and are happy.Sometimes you just have to accept the things you can't change in someone.

This is the new strategy it'll get him off his bum! If he gets grumpy just do surprised picachu face. "You helped him, I thought he'd like to return the favor....you can always do it this weekend if you'd prefer?"

Well in that case, he needs to live like that - he doesn't get to use or have any benefit of the car etc.

Maybe it's not just about helping this guy with the DIY though, maybe he's also supporting him in some other way or just looking for the companionship for a day.
If I ask a friend to come help me with a something, it's only partly because I need help with the task itself but also just because I want the company or some support if it's a daunting thing.

I agree with anyone who has said to bring someone in next time you need something done. Take it off his plate and yours.

Oh I feel you. My partner is exacrly the same, I wait ages for him to do anything, yet a mate will ask and he'll run off there all day or anyone at all and he's there like a whippet, yet I've got to ask a 1000 times and then pretend to get the stuff out to do it my self and then he'll stop me and maybe do it then in the next 6 months.

Our neighbour was moving out, he offered to touch up the paint in their house as it was rented, he spent 2 days repainting the whole thing. I was fuming. The house was being resold and they ripped everything out of it anyways so it was a waste of time... yeah he's being unreasonable and make sure there's a nice list for him to do when he's finished.

If he's pulling his weigh financially then yeah I'd not be too mad him working less hours, but if not then he needs to get him self working. What's wrong with these men lol

I can see your frustration.

And I can see his argument about him wanting a less expensive lifestyle that prioritizes having more time. Though I am curious - does he live this on the spending money on himself front as well as the taking time for himself front? It’s one thing for him to want a smaller house but you insist on a larger one, or not want holidays abroad but you insist on family ski trips, but if he also buys a season ticket for the team he supports, has a personal trainer, lots of new footy kit and spends a fortune on going out drinking with his mates, then the argument is a lot less valid.

18 months to do a curtain rail is ridiculous. Him dropping the ball on the kids and letting you pick it up now they’re teenagers seems unreasonable too - have things got worse in the last 5ish years? Is this just a one off moment of frustration for you, or resentment boiling over because he’s been getting worse/you’ve changed.

As a suggestion for changing the dynamic with the DIY, could you suggest he asks a mate round to help him with a DIY day every few months (and he can reciprocate)? Things like that are often a lot less intimidating (and more fun) with someone else there.

Sadly OP, you are a right mug and he has landed on his feet with a work horse to do the dirty work of paying for his children.

I hope you don't have a daughter to see what you are modelling?
Would you really want your lot for a daughter?
I sure as hell wouldn't want it for mine!

I'm repeating myself but... equal leisure time is a great measure of fairness/parity in a relationship. Currently he seems to have oodles more spare time than you. One imagines you wouldn't mind at all him helping his mate if he had done your curtain rail promptly? At the moment he gets to play Mr Generous (with his time) to make himself look good in front of others while neglecting his own family. Not good. I don't think this is about finances at the heart of it.

What's his retirement plan?? Live off your pension no doubt... Part time is fine with school aged children in fact I think it's ideal to have one parent part time.

However as soon as they become teenagers it becomes a choice to let you do all the work. Ask him his retirement plan and see what he says?

Are we married to the same man?

I’d probably assume that they’re not doing DIY. They’re in the pub, watching sport, playing golf, or something else.

“He could earn more, but doesn't work many hours and very much values time not working. Fine”

This doesn’t sound fine. Sounds like you’re funding a grown man to sit on his arse. Don’t be a mug.

"If you ask a man to do something, he will do it - you don't need to remind him every 6 months"

My friends favourite joke 😃
Get someone in to preserve your sanity. He hates DIY, but he likes his friend.

Absolutely not. As a man. He's no man. You married a lazy freeloader. My wife and I don't earn that much and that limits how fast I can do tasks as we have to save for them but if something needs doing it gets done! I'll work extra hours to make our ends meet. We also have a 2 year old so.... yeah. Tragic excuse of a man.

I think I’d be a much lovelier person if I was getting such an easy life as he is instead of being irritated, stressed, tired and guilty 🤣

Genuine question why do some people save the best parts of themselves for those outside of their family?

Its called impression management.