MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

Text her your flight nr and it will turn into a link she can click on to see details of your flight, where it is and if it’s landed on time.

Since my parents became too infirm for foreign travel, they like to travel vicariously through me, following my itinerary day by day, maybe with a map, and looking up some of the places I was visiting.

They would never phone a hotel to see if I had arrived safely. That's the bit I would have an issue with. The hotel shouldn't be giving out guests' details anyway.

MIL is much more chilled, says "If the plane crashes, I'll see it on the news" otherwise assumes everything is fine.

She doesn't like it because MIL is phoning their hotel when her son doesn't update her on their safe arrival quickly enough.

She hasn't said she doesn't like her MIL, she just finds it intrusive, like lots of people would.

What do you mean by itinerary?

To me that means a breakdown on what you’re doing every day of the holiday, locations and timing.

Or do you just mean name of hotel and flight arrival time?

Yes normal for us to send an “arrived safely” text but it might be the next day if we arrive in the middle of night and don’t have roaming data

It's not the hill OP.

It's much more likely to be a 'her anxiety' thing, rather than a deliberate attempt to be intrusive.

Just tell your DH to take care of it.

Blimey my adult children text me when they arrive and sent 68000000 photos (okay a slight exaggeration).
Think they are glad I am interested in their life; I’ve never asked them to do this.

Asking for a text to let her know you got there safe - fine, normal, usually more of a symbolic thing than actual concern about your physical safety.

Calling the hotel you're staying at because he forgot and not just texting him "Get there alright?" - really, really weird and overstepping to me. I'd shut that down immediately: largely because you can't indulge that level of anxiety and normalise it, because that isn't normal. Unless you're travelling somewhere known to be actively dangerous, she's being way over the top and if you (or rather your DH) acts as though that's normal the next thing it'll be 'oh can you stick your location sharing on' or whatever, like she'll just keep tightening the anxious control reins.

But that’s nice that’s showing an interest rather than checking up or panicking. Disclaimer my mum has zero interest in me and if I message to check she is ok when on holiday she just says yes or no and never asks about my holiday!

I can't imagine letting anyone know that I've arrived on my holiday, nor anyone letting me know that they've arrived.
Two of my kids are away on holiday at the moment, as far as I'm aware, they got there fine.
All we tell each other is the country they're going to and when.
No news is good news as far as I'm concerned.

That's really lovely. Probably because you take an interest in their lives and never asked them to share as adults😊

It sounds very suffocating yo be honest with you and she should be told to stop calling the hotel because it disturbs both of you when you are jetlagged and she'll recieve a txt from your DH when he's ready.

i think it's a small thing for your DH to help his mum with her MH and that would be a kind thing for him to do. He's being a bit of a dick by being too exhausted - knowing about her anxiety - not to have a text ready to go as soon as he lands.

Good that you just leave it all to him so it doesn't impinge on your enjoyment of your holiday.

But is she getting more anxious as she gets older? maybe some therapy wouldn't go amiss.

I felt the same way when it was my own mother behaving like this. You don't have to project MiL/DiL issues on to everything.

I don't think DH is at all, and I find the occassional mumsnet bashing of him here really unfair.
He's a wonderful dad to our kids and so so supportive and engaged. After a 10h flight across the Atlantic with little kids he was simply exhausted (probably). It's mentally draining travelling a far distance with little kids and our priorities, our immediate priorities, lie with our little kids and being in a decent mental state for them.

I find it unfair that MIL feels we/he needs to reply to her by a certain time before she goes awol. But it is what it is. I assume he's never forgotten before, we've been together for close to 15y and not had a hotel manager approach us before to tell us about a call he had with grandma while we were sleeping.

I don't know re the anxiety and ageing. I find it more intense but DH says she's always been like that.

OP your reaction is unhealthy however I expect to be flamed for this, but you do not have to automatically hate your MIL

I think you are embellishing to add to this here by using the word 'itinery'

Every comment or eye roll will be sponged up by your kids who will learn that Mummy wants them to hate Grandma - merely because she cares about your family.

Just voicing these 'concerns' makes you sound controlling - like YOU are the only one who is allowed to care, YOU need to be centre stage but feel knocked out of that by a MIL who isnt in the same country as you

Do not put your husband in the middle of some control war but it wouldnt exactly kill him to text her would it?! Being tired isnt really a reason when you are an adult, it is an excuse

The way you call his Mother 'Grandma' here is very telling - you do realise that, I am sure...

The more you argue your point, the more desperate for control you seem - Sorry.

He's a wonderful dad to our kids and so so supportive and engaged. After a 10h flight across the Atlantic with little kids he was simply exhausted (probably). It's mentally draining travelling a far distance with little kids and our priorities, our immediate priorities, lie with our little kids and being in a decent mental state for them.

sorry, OP, he may be a great dad but seriously, i used to be in the military and i do a lot of long distance - if he is too exhausted to text a mother who may call your hotel to check up on you? he is falling down both as a son aware of his mum's mH issues and as the family man protecting you from her intrusive MH issue related behaviour.

It really is not difficult at some point during the journy to create a "we've landed, will send photos tomorrow" text and to press send when you are waiting at baggage reclaim. For the sake of everyone's peace of mind? That one tiny action he could take but is too exhausted?. Meh.

It sounds like your mum suffers quite badly from anxiety which is centred around her son's and grandchildren's safety.

I can sort of get where she is coming from, I have suffered from very similar anxiety myself in the past (to differing degrees) and it can be utterly debilitating. Change can make it so much worse and I can understand why a long haul trip would trigger it.

I get you don't get it. People who don't suffer from anxiety typically don't. All I would say is try to lead with kindness here. You don't need to tell her everything and she has no 'right' to know everything but my guess it is just massive anxiety not nosiness or controlling behaviour.

A couple of texts each day on holiday one in the morning and one in the evening would go a long way to help her - just a check in. Don't leave texts unanswered for ages - she will just need to know you are all ok.

I find all the "be kind to someone with anxiety" posts a bit enraging tbh. If someone is anxious about their family going on holiday to the point they ring the hotel because they haven't heard from them (and there have been no plane crashes or natural disasters reported on the news), then they have reached the point they need professional help with their anxiety. Not burdening their family with managing their illness for them by excessive communication.

I have anxiety, I have had professional help for it and as part of that I realised that a lot of my behaviours were learned from DM who has had anxiety all her life. I've got a lot better about not feeding mum's anxiety as I've also addressed mine.

Do you not have mobile phones? What kind of emergency are you picturing where picking up the phone and calling wouldn’t work?

I’ve never in my life given flight and hotel details to anyone, ever and if my in laws wanted them I’d find it odd and unnecessary.

This doesn’t mean my family don’t care, they’re just not drama lamas who exist on the premise of disasters happening just because I’ve got on a flight.

Because this is what the hotel manager called her by when he told us?

Sorry if I'm not understanding why "grandma" is a bad thing to be calling her? I think I call her "grandma" around the kids but I'm from mainland Europe and English is my 2nd language so it may be a language thing? Didn't realize there was an issue with "grandma" as a word but maybe I'm misunderstanding your point here?

I would bet she called the hotel to check because she felt this would be less intrusive than calling her son in the middle of the night to ask (and probably aware that her DIL would have issues if she did call her son).

She probably didn't think the hotel would tell you she had called.

I have been in her shoes and I have hated it, my own extreme anxiety. I have had professional help. It doesn't always work. I get it is not your job to help her manage it but don't assume it is controlling behaviour.

I'm not sure what 'professional help' there is for a woman who gets nervous when her family travel and wants reassuring they're safe? Because round here, there are people unable to function due to anxiety, others who have thoughts of ending their lives over depression, who are unable to access 'professional help' from services so stretched that provided you're not in crisis, you're seeing no one fast.
So I think its rather optimistic to think anyone is going to provide a medical intervention so the OP doesn't have the inconvenience of a MiL who wants a text message from her son to say they're safe.

@5128gap I completely agree with you. I would get the irritation if she was calling incessantly. It sounds to me like she just wanted to know they had arrived safely. She wasn't texting and calling them both throughout the day or night. When she hadn't heard she called the hotel to check. Because, probably, it felt the least intrusive way of knowing. No 'why on earth are you calling at this time, it is the middle of the night here', 'Christ, your mother again'.

I have had this kind of anxiety and I have felt so ashamed about it at times. I know it is irrational but it is paralysing. I really, really try hard not to let it impact on others - I could see myself making that call to the hotel though. One quick check, they have checked in - instant relief, life goes on.

While I entirely agree that professional help is likely to be very thin on the ground unless there's money spare to get it, it really isn't a normal amount of anxiety to call long distance to check on your family on holiday because you haven't had a text.

In the absence of news to the contrary, it's entirely reasonable to suppose that a family travelling to a tourist destination will have arrived there safely.