MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

It might be a generational thing - my DF always sends a detailed itinerary for holidays that and DM are taking to my brother and me. Maybe it comes from an age when travel was deemed more risky?

Except it becomes her business when she is trying to vacation with her husband and he keeps giving mummy play by play updates interrupting their time together. I find it mind boggling that people think things involving their own spouse aren't there business as if it doesn't automatically affect them as well. You think his relationship with his mum won't trickle down to affect his wife somehow? Not to mention this is a sign of a mummy's boy and that he placates her anxiety and that's not a good sign at all for his wife that his marriage is put first.

And you don't think a grown-ass mom needing to now exactly her grown married son's whereabouts at all time isn't controlling either? Hmm..

Yes, as it happens, I do. I was replying to a poster who felt the OP should prevent the MIL's controlling behaviour by being controlling herself. If it isn't acceptable from the MIL, it isn't acceptable from the DIL.

Apparently for many posters on this thread it is though. Hmm indeed!

It is controlling I think. Our mam does it. Feel its over involved in adults lives...

How does OP not liking her MIL automatically equate to her not liking that she cares about her son? I'm not following the correlation here.

I agree with you OP. I have never shared any of that with anyone and it would never occur to me that I should. If anyone asked for it I'd think it was very odd.
It would make me feel stifled, not loved. Like I was to much of an idiot to look after myself.

As a teenager in the 90s I travelled Europe on my own and my parents got a postcard every week. All this tracking nonsense is bananas.

I hear you OP. My MIL needs all the details and tracks our flights etc. If its raining where we are we get texts “oh i do wonder if the DC are wearing coats….” FFS!

She claims anxiety which she doesnt exhibit in other areas of her life. She sent her DC to boarding school at age 8 and my DH does not recall frantic calls and texts about his whereabouts back then…only as an adult man in a relationship…making up for lost time perhaps?

Keep pushing back and dont enable this behaviour. We now tell MIL nothing until after its happened. Kids ill? Changing jobs? Weekend away? She is always put out at hearing last but she only has herself to blame.

Well is she not a grandma??

I usually let my parents know we have arrived ok, just a quick Whats App message and that’s it. Maybe the odd photo but rare. My parents don’t hound me, if they did I might not be as communicative. I think that’s key here, if they let go a bit you wouldn’t feel as hounded. You’re grown adults with your own family, I imagine they just care deeply and sometimes it can feel suffocating to some.

Your husband needs to have a serious word with her and she needs to back off.

I always tell my daughter ( in particular) and my two sons where I am going , where I’m staying, travel details etc, and they usually tell me their plans if they’re going anywhere. It’s a “ just in case” thing. What is the problem…it’s just in case of emergency. We text and let each other know we’ve arrived etc, and send the odd text while we are away just as a check in with each other, and to say what we’ve been up to…no different to sending a postcard, really! It’s not exactly intrusive?

Does your DH (or you) say (even flippantly) oh we’ll message when we arrive? Because I can see why that would make her worry if you then didn’t.

If it helps her and doesn’t harm you what’s the issue?
I always send my mum my itinerary. I think it’s lovely she cares about you all and it could be useful in case of any issues (eg all the awful issues with the fires in Greece last year)

We travel long haul quite regularly with the kids, my family all love flight radar and depending on the time we are flying track our flight but that is the only contact we have the whole time we are on holiday unless we are sending photos etc. MIL used to always ask us to message or phone her whenever we arrived anywhereand to keep in touch we never did it and eventually she stopped asking. The fact she phoned the hotel is mental I would not be giving any details to her!

Now I always tell family where we're going - links to hotels/cottages/villas, times of any flights - but never tell them if we've arrived safely. I think it's because always used to give them details, just so we could be contacted in an emergency, and despite mobile phones meaning that's not necessary any more, it's just a habit. DM/DS do the same for me.

Totally understand your not wanting to have to give every detail.

I could be that MIL... I have suffered from extreme anxiety in the past and, unfortunately, it impacts the whole family. Could there be something similar with MIL?

My DC grew up thinking having to keep me super informed was normal.

I'm much better now and manage it so it has minimal impact on our day to day lives but my DC will always keep me informed way more than their friend do with their parents. Not because I ask but more because we've always done this in the past and everyone close to me (incl friends, not just family ) understand that it just makes my life easier and more comfortable.

Maybe ask if you can each agree to a compromise ef you let her know when you arrived at your destination and back home and will text(message twice a week. As for intinerary, say you don't have one and will be deciding as and when you're there

Well I'm glad you acknowledge that MIL is controlling. It isn't controlling though to not want anyone (parents or not) to have a play by play of your families' whereabouts at all times or to have your husband focused on his phone when it should be a bonding time focused on his own family (which as a married man consists of his wife and children). Since when has it become controlling or taboo to express your needs to your spouse? Also since when has placating his mum's anxieties which is unhealthy come before your wife's feelings? This would be a hill I would die on if I was this man's wife

I actually find a lot of comments on this thread sad.
I have adult children who left home several years ago but still phone/text/whatsapp every day with news both good and bad.
DH and I have never asked them to do this but they want to share their life with us. So they would be texting us more in a ‘great we are on holiday’ way more than to let us know they were safe.
Do posters not want to share information about their life with people they love?

Wow there’s some weird judgment going on in these comments! I'm assuming the message MIL left with the hotel was along the lines of “Tell them Grandma called and I’m worried I haven’t heard from them.” Otherwise it would be extremely weird for the hotel to randomly decide to call her that!

I agree with the person who said she’s controlling (possibly due to anxiety issues) but frames it as “caring”. My own DM does the same, it’s very passive-aggressive and has the opposite of her desired outcome because it makes me want to have less contact with her! I suffer from anxiety (and depression, OCD etc etc due to being neurodivergent) but try not to project it onto other people so I’m not being unsympathetic to your MIL if she has any mental health issues. Unfortunately people of her generation never talked about it or got any help so it can end up manifesting like this, and your DH is probably so used to it he thinks it’s normal.

I've never supplied a full itinerary to my family when we go on holiday. They know in general where we are going, and could call me on my mobile if they really wanted to. They never have though, and I know they wouldn't unless there was a major family emergency.

DH and I now more often go on holiday on our own now that our DDs are all grown up. We do chat to them regularly and in a jokey way on the family WhatsApp group.

Your MIL doesn't need a full itinerary, and I would want to knock that on the head.

Well I couldn't really give a shit whether you're glad or not but you do seem rather disappointed to find I'm not making the argument you thought I was. It seems you misread my post and want to pick a fight over it. Bad luck.

It isn't controlling though to not want anyone (parents or not) to have a play by play of your families' whereabouts at all times No it isn't. Until it becomes a demand rather than a request. She can certainly put a stop to her husband pandering to this rubbish would be a demand and would therefore be controlling IMO. Which was my original point.

There are very few hills I would die on. It just isn't worth getting so het up over this stuff.

It wouldn’t occur to me to tell my mum which hotel I’m going to - I’d maybe send a “check out this amazing pool” type message - which would be fine with a normal relative who isn’t going to be moidering reception staff. Your MIL has proved that she can’t be trusted to behave with this information so wouldn’t be told again.

So your parents know you are off to Lanzarote tomorrow but they have no idea which flight you are on there & back because its not necessary to tell them. After all a plane crash is highly unlikely. Tomorrow arrives & thankfully you are not on the plane that has indeed crashed. Your parents are sick with worry not knowing if you were on that plane or not & your phone is unobtainable. I think I'll stick to letting my adult children know & they do the same with me. Thankfully Neither of us feel its intrusive or disrespecting boundaries..We also tell each other the accomodation,again in case of unexpected emergencies & phones have no signal which can happen in many areas.

Not a ' full itinerary 'that's an interpretation. It sounds far more like understandable flight & accommodation details only. There's nothing wrong with that & indeed it's actually very sensible