MIL wants itinerary of our holidays

[Gul8]

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable to request to not share itinerary with MIL every time we go on holiday?

Me and my DH are in our late 30s/early 40s with 2 primary school age DC.
Last time we went on a long-haul holiday MIL called the hotel we were staying at in a stress to make sure we arrived OK (hotel staff told us at breakfast). We were jetlagged and arrived in the middle of the night and DH was probably exhausted from a long flight with little kids and was going to text her a few hours later at breakfast.

I feel its quite intrusive that my DH shares a full itinerary of where we are at our holidays.

My family don't expect me to even tell them we've arrived OK on a foreign holiday let alone give them an itinerary of our hotel stays. My family are caring but I think they realize we are adults with our own families and at some point in adulthood you stop informing your parents of your holiday whereabouts?

I realize this is due to MIL concerns for our welfare and her anxieties probably but AIBU to want to try to put an end to this and tell her she needs to find a different way to manage her anxiety around her son and grandchildrens/my children's whereabouts?

I've already told her it makes me uncomfortable when she asked for details of a holiday in front me a while after that long-haul holiday, she responded that DH has always done it (I didn't know!) and she just wants to make sure her son and grandchildren are safe.

We give our parents the flight details so they can track if they wish. Beyond that, they have our mobile numbers. If they cannot get me on my mobile, how would phoning the hotel directly help generally? I spend so little time in a hotel room that it's unlikely they would track me down easily anyway. Mobile coverage has been way better abroad than it has been at home and there is also messenger, text messaging etc. I've never given out the hotel details in at least 20 years. Come to think of it, since we started travelling without our children (they're adults now) in the last couple of years, we've not told them either.

I share itinerary with my parents always, they do with me too

Because that is what the hotel staff called her when they informed OP and her DH that her MIL had called.

You are desperate to show OP and her DH in a bad light. That's weird.

I also find it weird people wanting to know you got off a plane safely. If the plane crashed or went missing it would definitely be on the news.

No one checks in with a situation more likely to happen, like having slipping and falling in the shower.

I always share a complete itinerary with my parents, along with insurance details. They do the same with their trips abroad. It's nothing to do with anxiety though, just to have handy in case there's a plane crash/ natural disaster in the vicinity/ we go missing in the jungle etc. so they don't have to go hunting for info. I text them when we land in both directions. I definitely wouldn't put up with intrusive phonecalls to the hotel or multiple reassurance calls though!

I don’t think sharing itinerary is an issue really. I don’t find it intrusive.
Anxiety might be more of an issue here but I think you could approach it with a little more sympathy.

@Aimtodobetter "OP - I would find that annoying and intrusive as well as to me the underlying assumption is that on your holiday you should be prioritising keeping her in the loop and doing things to make her feel good, not trying to find a few moments to relax"

Yep-that 30 seconds is going to make such a difference to your relaxation time!🤣

I always text my mum to say arrived safely, she does have anxiety but also my eldest who travels a lot does the same to me, and I don’t have anxiety, but guess its second nature that you do that. I will say message when you arrive and he sends photos. He enjoys doing that, especially when he travels solo. My mum wouldn’t ring the hotel though, she would work out local time and assume we are asleep. That is over stepping but the rest is fairly normal.

It’s not the time it takes - it’s the “mental and emotional load” of having another thing to remember when you’re trying to manage travel with children and the underlying assumption that it’s your job on your holiday to be keeping her up to date as opposed to disconnecting and focusing on yourselves. It’s not like she’s just popping them a message saying “Hope you had a nice flight and arrived safely” and letting it be until they get round to replying in a couple of days - the MIL is literally chasing them down if she doesn’t get her reply on her timeline. That’s not the behaviour of a mentally healthy adult towards an adult relationship with her son and his family.

The arguments for sharing everything with your parents are illogical.

Do you text your Mum every time you go out to Sainsburys and get home again? Every time you take a 20 minute drive to the next town? Every time you safely cross a busy road or use a power drill or go up and down the stairs or walk home late at night and not been attacked?

You are more likely to be hurt in any of those scenarios than in going on holiday.

I have never told my Mum when I have arrived safely anywhere so the whole concept is bizarre to me. She works on the no news is good news principle and assumes if there had been a plane crash or something she would have heard about it on the news. Appreciate this is an unusual approach though!

I totally get where you are coming from. I come from a family with a hippy mother who was encouraging me to hitchhike when I went travelling at 17 and I was the one saying ‘it’s not that safe mother’. And DH’s mother has a lot of anxiety, but it can never be acknowledged and it’s painted as normal behaviour. She expects texts all along the way of a journey to let her know where we are. My DH though won’t play along at all, and she knows I am more of a weak spot and find it hard to stand up to her!! She has 3 daughters who all play her game so I try to just let her know when we’ve arrived and ignore the other requests. It’s very pressuring and I don’t like it. She also tracks some of her grandkids as they travel and I wouldn’t be allowing this.

It really isn’t. I’m also perplexed by the illogicality of the need to know where someone is all the time on holiday. An international flight is statistically a safer activity than crossing the road. I get there’s an emotional thing and I get that plenty of people like to say they’ve arrived safely and that’s fine! Each to their own. But to worry because you haven’t heard, or to be on alert because your family on holiday has hired a car and it might break down, is over worrying.

If you went missing abroad, wouldn’t you want the police to have more to go on than “I think she’s somewhere in Tenerife”? After the floods in Valencia, whole families are missing. Just knowing which hotel/town your relatives are staying in would be a big help.

@Finallybreathingout I would honestly love to be like you but a lot of people worry, they can't help it. They often realise it is irrational. It is not something you can rationalise your way out of. If it was, no one would have mental health issues would they.

I think it is a balance if a member of your family is a worrier. Given them key updates to put their mind at rest - no need for incessant communication. They don't need the ins and outs of what you are doing every minute of the day - but a 'we just arrived at the hotel it is lovely' etc. is easy.

Also, sorry to be morbid, but if the worst did happen, wouldn’t you want to be identified quickly so your relatives had the option of saying goodbye to you? A distant relative of mine was a missing person for a few days, but it turned out he’d died on the day he went missing. The family were desperate for answers. Unfortunately, the coroner had to return an open verdict.

It’s controlling behaviour and it must be irritating. I’d tell her it was unreasonable to call the hotel and you don’t want her to do this in future. It’s not up to you to manage her anxiety.

If the OP or any of her family would have died on the flight or the way to their hotel they'd be identified as they'd have had their passports on them so would have been identified. Unless you're in constant contact with people back home though out your holiday they wouldn't know you're missing anyway for a couple of days.

Very rare for a whole family to disappear when on holiday though, mainly only terrorist attack or natural disaster which is very rare.

We don't give our extended families an itinerary if our holiday, or every day life. There's so many more likely bad things that can happen then our whole family going missing.

I agree rare but still there is safety in knowing where people are.

Recently - Liam Payne. It hit the news very quickly. Within a couple hours. Disgraceful but it did. I'd hope the UK authorities were notified and they had police over at their house before it was released. But what if they'd been on holiday and no one knew where they were staying? Would they have not found out until next morning from the news and condolence texts? While unlikely to happen to average person the principle applies. If the worst were to happen and someone ended up in hospital on end of life care at home, if they know holiday hotel etc then you can be notified quickly to give an option of heading home ASAP.

If family drive out somewhere rural - if it was known where you were headed a search party knows where to look.

Of course you are misunderstanding....

Passive agression really is a look this season, darling

Mil doesn't need an itinerary of your holiday and nor should she have one!!
By coincidence my DS2 and GF are in Prague at the moment and I've had texts to say they landed and the odd photo.

It's not that terrible to send a one line text saying you've arrived. And one on your return.

I like that my sons do this.

We go by 'no news is good news.' You're grown adults, why should she need to know anything?

While living in a Texan border town for 6 years (I was 30 yrs old) my mother never once called me to check I was safe.

Now she wants to know where I’m going, with whom and why. I tell her my arrival and that’s it.

OP it’s all about control and I for one won’t be controlled.

Can the people who like others to send an 'I have landed' text tell me what they're worried about? Is it a plane crash? Why is it such a massive thing to need to tell others the plane has arrived safely? Do you do it after the drive to work where statistically you're much more likely to die.