DP Came home tonight from the pub and launched the cat across the room into our sons toy truck- in front of me and our 5yo

[Pickledpumpkin56]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters. Apologies
for the long post.
Im Hoping someone can help me make sense of this situation.
I Feel so angry and I really don’t know what to do for the best. All I know is I’ve had enough.

Dp came home from the pub tonight, after going to watch the footy and was out for roughly 2-3 hours. Me and our 5yo were sat happily watching a movie. He seemed fine when he walked in, said hello etc but then proceeded to pick the cat up off the foot stool, throw her across the room with force and she hit our son’s toy truck. I was absolutely gob smacked. I still am. I usually keep things in until little one is in bed but on this occasion I was so shocked and disgusted with him I couldn’t hold my tongue. which didn’t go down well. He has never done anything like that before.
I felt terrible for my little one at him having just witnessed that, but surprisingly he didn’t even react. I don’t know if maybe he was shocked as I was but didn’t know what to say perhaps.
Fast forward to maybe 15 mins later and I’ve approached him about it , asked him what’s going on why did he do it etc (out of earshot of our little one ofc) and he responded with “ I didn’t do anything, I lifted her up and put her down , cats jump.. if sh e hadn’t of jumped it wouldn’t of happened.” “ your making something out of nothing on purpose to make me look bad in front of our son” “ you think your better than everyone” and then continued to tell me I belittle him all the time.
Now I know what it looks like when someone handles a cat gently , and I am
not someone who exaggerates
either. So for him to down play it has just pissed me off even more , I know what I saw him do and it was with force. i think the drink had something to do with it but even then it’s not an excuse.

just last week we had a conversation about his drinking and spending habits, he works full time 8-4 and is in the pub straight after work for at least 2 hours a night through the week and longer on the weekends. Coming home tipsy and drunk and winding our little one up when it’s time for him to settle down to sleep , ( there’s more I could say but I don’t think there’s room) then when I put. Stop to it and say enough is enough he is tired , I get passive aggressive comments thrown at me and told that I am
not letting him be a dad. Implying that I am controlling and bossy. I am none of these things. I just don’t think it’s fair that he comes in drunk stinking of fags and booze at 7pm and interrupts our son’s bedtime.
i am currently a sahm and do everything for our
little one and around the home, as he seems to think just doing the bare minimum is ok..(work, pub, his own washing) despite mybest efforts for things to be equal , it falls on deaf ears. this is incredibly upsetting and frustrating for me and more importantly I can’t help but think of the confusion it must cause our son. He absolutely dotes on his dad , and I see the sad look in his eyes every evening when we sit down for tea and dp isn’t with us. Having to answer the same question night after night” where’s dad is he at pool again” it’s breaking my heart.

there is more to it - emotional avoidance, silent treatments, pretending he hasn’t heard me when I try to talk to him, come
home drunk despite me asking him to curb his drinking. Laughs at me when I try to talk about these things..Mood swings but never too intense, just grumpy and unapproachable .the list goes on.

I just feel so lost, I don’t knowow what to do for the best. I feel like I want out but the thought of it all l really worries me, from a stress perspective.. and I feel so guilty on my little one!!

is this emotional abuse?

im hoping someone with experience of this type of dynamic can help …
thanks for reading
xx

Give him a clear choice between having a family or drinking and leave if he doesn’t change. Drink changes some people like they have a Jeckyll and Hide switch and they genuinely don’t remember it when sober.

Dear OP, sending you support and encouragement as you mobilise yourself to keep your son, your cat (and also yourself) safe from this frightening man.
I echo all other PPs who have pointed to the link between animal abuse and DV. You kind of know this deep down as you and your son have been subjected to his cruelty for years. Don’t wait for it to escalate!

You really need "advice" about what to do about a man who comes home drunk and is violent? This time the violence was "just" towards the cat but the instinct towards violence is there. This isn't a good man. You do not have to be in a relationship with him. You have the strength and power to get him gone.

What a nasty piece of work. Get away from
him. He's a pathetic bully. You are putting your animals and children in danger, plus yourself. You need to act now. Seek support from all sources available and don't protect him, tell people what he has done. In the meantime, can you try and film him secretly?Put up some hidden cameras?

JFC, do not let him talk you round again.

Your poor cat. I’ve posted about this before under another name, I volunteer for a cat rescue and we temporarily house cats whose owners are fleeing DV. Some of those cats are so traumatised and it takes months of care to bring them round.

Those people working in social care say the same about children, only it can take years, if ever, to get over the trauma.

please leave.

Take your cat to the cat to be checked. Cats hide their injuries and pain well.
i’d leave any man that hurt my animals, esp in front of a child.
hope you’re all ok.

Poor cat!

Your husband has a drink problem. Start couples counselling. Deliver him an ultimatum - stop drinking or divorce.

I wish I had left XH when he threw my elderly cat roughly off the furniture.

It wasn’t long before he was kicking the shit out of me. As PP have said, it’s a power display. Look what I can do, and you could be next.

I hope you escape this monster safely. 💐

Speaking as someone who was you in what feels like a former life, leave him!
Your son is learning how to treat a partner and be a dad from his life experience, and you need to show him that this is not okay.
If you stick around waiting for your DP to see the light and change, or revert back to the man you fell in love with then you are going to be waiting forever.
Do you want to be still living like this in a year's time, or 5 years time? If not then you need to make the change and show your child a better way, because your DH won't.

You can't go to couples counselling with an abuser!

OP I know you are worried about your little one and the effect on him of splitting from his father but staying put exposes him to witnessing and experiencing his father's constant neglect, witnessing him gaslighting and abusing you verbally and the cat physically, and who knows where that will end up. I'm relieved you have a safe place to go and that you are not short of funds. Please don't give him another chance to show you that he won't ever change and that he's a despicable low life. Thank goodness cats are bendy creatures, it could have been a so much worse outcome had it been a different animal.

I’m glad you’re making plans to leave. That was a terrible thing to do to a defenceless animal and in front of a child!. You say you don’t want to uproot your son but are you saying is you don’t want to uproot him from an abusive household?

If you’ve done the freedom programme you have had issues with this man before. You gave him a chance to change, he hasnt so enough is enough. Domestic violence never gets better it just escalates, as you are seeing…

Glad you have money and family support - please get away from this man. It could be your child that gets hurt next.

I hope you're OK this morning OP. What happened last night was very serious and I'm a bit worried that you might be tempted to sweep it under the rug because it was a 'one off' or maybe he didn't 'mean' to throw your cat.

1. Yes, he did it deliberately as an act of cruelty to your cat and to terrify you and your son. Don't let him gaslight you into doubting what you saw.

1. Your son's (lack of) reaction is really worrying too. He's scared and unable to process this. He may have seen/experienced other things you're not aware of, and at the very least he's been consistently exposed to a drunken alcoholic father who is unable to be a safe parent figure. He needs help and support. Witnessing this IS domestic abuse and you have an absolute duty to safeguard him by removing him from this environment.

1. Very important to get advice on how to leave safely. Speak to women's aid and the police. Speak to your GP, your family, get as much help as you possibly can in your corner.

1. Your cat needs to be checked over by the vet. Cat injuries and pain aren't always obvious.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Talk to us on here as much as you need and reach out for help. You can do it. 💐

I can't find the research but the RSPCA found people who are cruel to their animals often move on to the children and partner. They now routinely inform the authorities if they suspect the children might be involved as well as the family pets. I would be making plans to leave to protect you and your son.

This is dangerous advice.
Never have counselling with an abuser.
Never give an ultimatum to an abuser.

@Anisty 💔💔💔for,you,your brother and your Mum.

No idea why the numbering has gone so weird on my post but you get the idea anyway 🙂...

OP. You have had some good advice, but also some bad. I have just realised you have posted on AIBU. You would do better to report your op and ask MN to move your thread to the Relationships board.
It is worth reading some of the other threads on there too.

I’d leave based on the 2h a night drinking after work. Thats it. Hope you can get out now or asap. Xx

100% correct. I tried that and it was damaging, though we also had an appalling counsellor, who I should have reported.

Counselling helps you to see each other’s point of view and compromise. You shouldn’t be doing that with someone who’s emotionally abusive and shows violent tendancies.

Agree with all the others, you need to leave him ASAP. Sounds like you have good family support and that's really important. You're not married and you rent so really there isn't much stopping you.
Also the big about your partner going to the pub for 2 hours every night is not normal in today's society for a father. He should be at home helping you with the evening routine. Then maybe go out for an hour once/twice a week once your son is settled if that's his way of life, but also you go out occasionally and he stays at home.
A bit of uprooting for your DS now is better than him being abused or witnessing abuse for the rest of his childhood.
I'm glad your cat is OK - cats can jump a big distance but being thrown is completely different.

Why have a cat if you don't love it and care for it?!! Wtf it should be taken from you!!! Stop thinking about yourself and being selfish

Are you reading the same post as the rest of us? The op clearly loves her cat and wants to protect it.

OP, it's one thing living with a drunk who'd rather be at the pub than with his family, but a drunk who hurts an animal is another level. I've known some drinkers in my time snd see the misery they've brought to their families, but the violent ones are another level. By the way...your DC does not 'adore' his dad. His affection and constantly asking are signs of his insecure attachment to a parent that he can't rely on to be there and to behave consistently when he is. As your son grows this will escalate. He will keep on wanting his dad and keep on finding him missing (emotionally too) which is highly likely to have life long impact on his self esteem and ability to form relationships. Please do not stay for your son. Leave for him.

@5128gap Agreed. The child is fawning to keep the peace.

Dearest OP please take notice of what Pinkbonbon is saying here. I have 1st hand knowledge of this. It took me 20 years to realise what was going on. Don't be me 🙏