DP Came home tonight from the pub and launched the cat across the room into our sons toy truck- in front of me and our 5yo

[Pickledpumpkin56]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters. Apologies
for the long post.
Im Hoping someone can help me make sense of this situation.
I Feel so angry and I really don’t know what to do for the best. All I know is I’ve had enough.

Dp came home from the pub tonight, after going to watch the footy and was out for roughly 2-3 hours. Me and our 5yo were sat happily watching a movie. He seemed fine when he walked in, said hello etc but then proceeded to pick the cat up off the foot stool, throw her across the room with force and she hit our son’s toy truck. I was absolutely gob smacked. I still am. I usually keep things in until little one is in bed but on this occasion I was so shocked and disgusted with him I couldn’t hold my tongue. which didn’t go down well. He has never done anything like that before.
I felt terrible for my little one at him having just witnessed that, but surprisingly he didn’t even react. I don’t know if maybe he was shocked as I was but didn’t know what to say perhaps.
Fast forward to maybe 15 mins later and I’ve approached him about it , asked him what’s going on why did he do it etc (out of earshot of our little one ofc) and he responded with “ I didn’t do anything, I lifted her up and put her down , cats jump.. if sh e hadn’t of jumped it wouldn’t of happened.” “ your making something out of nothing on purpose to make me look bad in front of our son” “ you think your better than everyone” and then continued to tell me I belittle him all the time.
Now I know what it looks like when someone handles a cat gently , and I am
not someone who exaggerates
either. So for him to down play it has just pissed me off even more , I know what I saw him do and it was with force. i think the drink had something to do with it but even then it’s not an excuse.

just last week we had a conversation about his drinking and spending habits, he works full time 8-4 and is in the pub straight after work for at least 2 hours a night through the week and longer on the weekends. Coming home tipsy and drunk and winding our little one up when it’s time for him to settle down to sleep , ( there’s more I could say but I don’t think there’s room) then when I put. Stop to it and say enough is enough he is tired , I get passive aggressive comments thrown at me and told that I am
not letting him be a dad. Implying that I am controlling and bossy. I am none of these things. I just don’t think it’s fair that he comes in drunk stinking of fags and booze at 7pm and interrupts our son’s bedtime.
i am currently a sahm and do everything for our
little one and around the home, as he seems to think just doing the bare minimum is ok..(work, pub, his own washing) despite mybest efforts for things to be equal , it falls on deaf ears. this is incredibly upsetting and frustrating for me and more importantly I can’t help but think of the confusion it must cause our son. He absolutely dotes on his dad , and I see the sad look in his eyes every evening when we sit down for tea and dp isn’t with us. Having to answer the same question night after night” where’s dad is he at pool again” it’s breaking my heart.

there is more to it - emotional avoidance, silent treatments, pretending he hasn’t heard me when I try to talk to him, come
home drunk despite me asking him to curb his drinking. Laughs at me when I try to talk about these things..Mood swings but never too intense, just grumpy and unapproachable .the list goes on.

I just feel so lost, I don’t knowow what to do for the best. I feel like I want out but the thought of it all l really worries me, from a stress perspective.. and I feel so guilty on my little one!!

is this emotional abuse?

im hoping someone with experience of this type of dynamic can help …
thanks for reading
xx

Being calm is terrifying. You really need to leave.

This bit
I felt terrible for my little one at him having just witnessed that, but surprisingly he didn’t even react. I don’t know if maybe he was shocked as I was but didn’t know what to say perhaps.

Speaks volumes, you must get out, but do it safely.

firstly I hope the cat is ok !

secondly your partner is an alcoholic. He can’t stay out of the pub, and unless he acknowledges that he has a problem with alcohol, won’t change despite you asking. Contact Alanon for more help and understanding as alcohol abuse affects the whole family.

thirdly I agree with other posters that what he did to the cat isn’t ok … and has potential for him to further escalate things towards you ( and possibly your son ) if he doesn’t like something you have done ( or just because you are there ).

First the animals. Then the wife.

Women's aid, police ref, leave

This woman has been gaslit for years in an abusive relationship. She can't see the wood for the trees. What a shame you aren't capable of a "normal human reaction" like empathy or tact.

What a shock that must have been! I’m afraid the things you describe are abuse. He’s also a poor father and partner if he goes straight to the pub after work and comes home inebriated every evening. I know it’s common in some jobs (e.g. building trade) but if he’s capable of throwing a cat with force when he’s been drinking, he should not be drinking regularly.

As well as Women’s Aid, local domestic abuse charities can be very helpful. So search for your area. Take their advice, not anyone’s on here, as every situation is unique and you must be careful about how you leave.

But if you have family or friends you could stay with for a while, I suggest getting packed and moving your stuff today while he’s at work. Take photos of any financial documents you can find. Then, meet your son from school and head straight to their house. Can you take the cats with you? You don’t need to tell him you’ve left for good as that may set him off. Just say casually you’re staying with them for a few days. Tell your son the same.

People fleeing domestic abuse are entitled to rehousing from the council and temporary accommodation in the meantime. But, depending where you are in the country, the temporary accommodation may be out of the area or a budget hotel or hostel for a while. But if you can stay with a relative as a temporary arrangement while the council help you find somewhere, that should work. So, tomorrow, contact Shelter and they’ll give you advice on your rights and how to apply to the council. You may have to apply to the council online, then go in for an appointment in a couple of weeks. So, get the ball rolling as quick as you can by contacting Shelter, then the council.

It should eventually result in the council helping you into a private rental, housing association or council flat. But, you’ll be subject to the household benefit cap if you don’t work, which could affect you being able to afford the rent. So, start looking for a part-time job for when your son’s at school, so you’re working over 16hrs a week.

You can do this. You are strong. You’ve been virtually lone parenting anyway. Better to get out now while your son’s young, than let him see more and more of the drunken and abusive behaviour, and be at risk of it himself. It’s the ideal time for you to move on, as your son’s now school age, so makes it easier for you to work. Good luck.

OP I understand your fear around uprooting your son. But he needs uprooting. This isn't a safe environment for him. It's not physically safe because his father is violent and just like this was the first time he physically abused the cat, one day it will be the first time he physically assaults you or your child.

Your son is also emotionally affected on a daily basis. He may well adore his father, but every single day he is being shown very clearly that he is not a priority for him. You say that you see the disappointment on his face. Every day he is feeling rejected and abandoned anew.

It's not fair that it's your responsibility to fix a mess that isn't of your making but your partner is not going to do it. That means you have to fix it for your son. And the only way to do that is to remove him from a dangerous and emotionally damaging situation.

Don’t do this. Legally incorrect advice. You can’t change the locks on a joint tenancy.

Plus OP needs a way to pay rent and bills.

He has 100% hurt the cat before when you weren't there. .

Your child doesn't adore his dad. He is stuck in a fear / appeasement / please let him love me hell. Your child is being harmed every day he exposed to this neglectful, abusive man.

Get your documents together and a carrier for the cat and be ready to leave at a moment's notice. If you have to flee, don't leave her there. He will kill her to get at you.

Did he throw the cat the way someone would throw a bottle with the intention of smashing it? Or did he throw the cat the way someone would throw a tennis ball to a small child (a relatively slow underarm throw, but perhaps misjudged the height BC of drinking)?

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_domestic_abuse

Leave him. For the sakes of you, your children and the cat.

If my husband did that to any animal, his bollocks would be mounted on the wall within an hour.

How could you contemplate staying with a man who abuses an animal in this way? Major red flag. Get out now. Poor, poor cat.

So your little one only ever see his dad drunk

TRIGGER WARNING

A distant relative finally got out of an abusive marriage after years of everyone trying to help her. The reason? He buried her dog alive.
The cruelty escalates.
OP, I doubt he will leave if you ask him. The most dangerous time is when a woman tries to leave.
You need to plan in secret, speak to Women's Aid, get away to a safe place. Yhen deal with the legal stuff.

If my DP hurt any of my animals, he'd be gone, no arguments, and that's not an exaggeration. He is such an animal lover that he would be the same to me the other way around too.

There's a psychopathic tendency surrounding people who hurt animals and no way I'd trust him after that.

Pub every night for 2 hrs?

It's not the 1970s!

He's choosing pub over any family time- he's lucky enough to finish at 4, he should be doing half the dinners and enjoying time with his son.

That one would be plenty enough for me to leave him.

I posted on here once about an incident when I caught my partner at the time, spraying Dettol directly into my elderly cats face after he'd wee'd on the kitchen floor (bad eyesight and cat dementia).
The 100% consensus from Mumsnet was LTB.
I actually did, I threw him out the next morning, changed the locks and it was the best decision I ever made.
Only after he'd left my home did it come out that he'd been being equally as cruel to my smallest son whenever I wasn't present.
My advice to you would be also to get rid. Anyone who treats animals like that is a massive red flag and is likely hiding worse.

I posted on here once about an incident when I caught my partner at the time, spraying Dettol directly into my elderly cats face after he'd wee'd on the kitchen floor (bad eyesight and cat dementia).
The 100% consensus from Mumsnet was LTB.
I actually did, I threw him out the next morning, changed the locks and it was the best decision I ever made.
Only after he'd left my home did it come out that he'd been being equally as cruel to my smallest son whenever I wasn't present.
My advice to you would be also to get rid. Anyone who treats animals like that is a massive red flag and is likely hiding worse.

He didn't need to remove the cat from the footstool unless he wanted to sit there!!!!!

Abusive bastard. Throw him out - see how far you can throw him!!!

He’s a shit partner and a shit dad op. Get rid of him from your lives. The going to the pub is enough to bin him off. Seriously! He clearly has problems with alcohol. It’s not the 1950s; no one needs to go to the pub everyday. He has a problem. You cannot fix it. It’s a shit example for your son and that alone is a huge thing you would be best to avoid. Don’t teach your son that this is normal and ok. Best of luck xxx

Not even remotely OK. You need to make a plan to safely leave this man, OP.

"drinking and spending habits, he works full time 8-4 and is in the pub straight after work for at least 2 hours a night through the week and longer on the weekends. Coming home tipsy and drunk and winding our little one up when it’s time for him to settle down to sleep , ( there’s more I could say but I don’t think there’s room) then when I put. Stop to it and say enough is enough he is tired , I get passive aggressive comments thrown at me and told that I am
not letting him be a dad. Implying that I am controlling and bossy. I am none of these things. I just don’t think it’s fair that he comes in drunk stinking of fags and booze at 7pm and interrupts our son’s bedtime"

@Pickledpumpkin56 the fact you can detail this shows you know DP has a significant problem, then the cat issue is a new dimension of this problem. The fact he is gas lighting you, trying to make you feel like you are in the wrong and continuing to behave like this says it all. Massive red flags - you need to change the situation for yourself and for your child, you don't want them growing up thinking this behaviour is normal and acceptable.

wow such a brave post and great that you are in a better place now

all l his behaviours they just seem so subtle I can never really tell if I I’m being silly or
not.

Throwing a cat isn’t subtle.