DP Came home tonight from the pub and launched the cat across the room into our sons toy truck- in front of me and our 5yo

[Pickledpumpkin56]

Hi fellow Mumsnetters. Apologies
for the long post.
Im Hoping someone can help me make sense of this situation.
I Feel so angry and I really don’t know what to do for the best. All I know is I’ve had enough.

Dp came home from the pub tonight, after going to watch the footy and was out for roughly 2-3 hours. Me and our 5yo were sat happily watching a movie. He seemed fine when he walked in, said hello etc but then proceeded to pick the cat up off the foot stool, throw her across the room with force and she hit our son’s toy truck. I was absolutely gob smacked. I still am. I usually keep things in until little one is in bed but on this occasion I was so shocked and disgusted with him I couldn’t hold my tongue. which didn’t go down well. He has never done anything like that before.
I felt terrible for my little one at him having just witnessed that, but surprisingly he didn’t even react. I don’t know if maybe he was shocked as I was but didn’t know what to say perhaps.
Fast forward to maybe 15 mins later and I’ve approached him about it , asked him what’s going on why did he do it etc (out of earshot of our little one ofc) and he responded with “ I didn’t do anything, I lifted her up and put her down , cats jump.. if sh e hadn’t of jumped it wouldn’t of happened.” “ your making something out of nothing on purpose to make me look bad in front of our son” “ you think your better than everyone” and then continued to tell me I belittle him all the time.
Now I know what it looks like when someone handles a cat gently , and I am
not someone who exaggerates
either. So for him to down play it has just pissed me off even more , I know what I saw him do and it was with force. i think the drink had something to do with it but even then it’s not an excuse.

just last week we had a conversation about his drinking and spending habits, he works full time 8-4 and is in the pub straight after work for at least 2 hours a night through the week and longer on the weekends. Coming home tipsy and drunk and winding our little one up when it’s time for him to settle down to sleep , ( there’s more I could say but I don’t think there’s room) then when I put. Stop to it and say enough is enough he is tired , I get passive aggressive comments thrown at me and told that I am
not letting him be a dad. Implying that I am controlling and bossy. I am none of these things. I just don’t think it’s fair that he comes in drunk stinking of fags and booze at 7pm and interrupts our son’s bedtime.
i am currently a sahm and do everything for our
little one and around the home, as he seems to think just doing the bare minimum is ok..(work, pub, his own washing) despite mybest efforts for things to be equal , it falls on deaf ears. this is incredibly upsetting and frustrating for me and more importantly I can’t help but think of the confusion it must cause our son. He absolutely dotes on his dad , and I see the sad look in his eyes every evening when we sit down for tea and dp isn’t with us. Having to answer the same question night after night” where’s dad is he at pool again” it’s breaking my heart.

there is more to it - emotional avoidance, silent treatments, pretending he hasn’t heard me when I try to talk to him, come
home drunk despite me asking him to curb his drinking. Laughs at me when I try to talk about these things..Mood swings but never too intense, just grumpy and unapproachable .the list goes on.

I just feel so lost, I don’t knowow what to do for the best. I feel like I want out but the thought of it all l really worries me, from a stress perspective.. and I feel so guilty on my little one!!

is this emotional abuse?

im hoping someone with experience of this type of dynamic can help …
thanks for reading
xx

I want out but don’t want to leave my home and uproot my son who has additional needs. It just all feels a lot x

Sorry but I didn't want this part of OP statement to be lost. My stance is the same, please call family and friends you mention and her yourself and your son to safety when you can.

Maybe someone who has more experience than me with a son with additional needs will be able to also comment.

Get the husband rehomed. Keep the cat. Vile man. This has made me so angry. Unforgivable.

If my DH did that to one of my cats I would (use your imagination so my comment doesn't get deleted) and then I would leave so fast his head would spin.

Not only that, he is in the pub 7 days a week? He doesn't care about you or your son.

This is abuse and he is testing the waters. Harm to animals is known to be the beginning of violence to humans.

This reminds me of a ‘regular’ I served at the pub I worked out when I was in my early 20s. He was there every day for 2/3 hours after work, necking drink after drink. We had to bar him after he hurled abuse and an empty glass at me because I didn’t serve him fast enough one time when I was backed up with customers.

He used to go home drunk and kick his dog (was also a neighbour and people spoke about it) and ended up beating the crap out of his wife and eventually, his daughter. She stayed for a long time. The daughter ended up killing herself. I’ll never understand why the mother stayed. The man was useless and spending a fortune every week on booze. There were so many signs and she had a community who could’ve helped her.

He's a violent, abusive alcoholic.

Your son froze because he's terrified of his father.

You need to make plans to leave before he kills the cat and does even more irreparable damage to your child.

Please take this seriously.

@Pinkbonbon is absolutely correct that this was done to intimidate you into silence.

You are indeed like the "boiled frog" who has got used to the small acts of disrespect, contempt, abuse, and violence. This sort of behaviour escalates by degrees. Many women end up feeling they have no option but to stay because it slowly destroys their confidence.

Be brave. You can do this. Plan and be determined. Don't let him know what you're doing.

Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) may be able to support you. If you speak to a WA counselor, ask if it would be wise to report tonight's violence to the police.

While you make your plans, don't leave the cat alone with him, and look out for any precious things of yours or your child's that he might damage or destroy.

Well he is starting now. Ince the violence starts and you don’t walk away he knows he can increase it whenever he wants without you leaving. So he will ratchet it up at will. He is a careless, cruel, lazy, drunk and this will only get worse .

Hi, he sounds awful. Good luck for the morning. If it gives you anymore impetus to leave, I am 51 and still have awful memories of my alcoholic dad and what he did when drunk. Please leave for your boy. My mum never did.

Please do leave him and report this to the police as evidence he’s not safe to be around your ds. You have a support network. You can start again.

This is serious.
Please speak to the Police and Woman's Aid, and make plans to leave. Also - Social Work due to child being involved and witnessing aggression. Get as many people on board as you can. My very serious concern for you is that his behaviour can get worse when you decide to leave, especially since he is drinking, been mentally abusive and already shown violence.

You must leave him. Abusive bastard.

Hope your poor cat is ok.

I feel very badly for you as it sounds like youre in a toxic situation. He's an alcoholic, you need to either have an intervention or tell him you're leaving if he doesn't get help. I know it's not easy but trust me you will look back in a year and be so happy you did.

Your son didn't react because he's likely witnessed similar behaviour before. Have you left him to care for DS alone? I certanly wouldn't be.

No decent partner/father is in the pub every single day when he has a family at home. Why have you put up with that for so long?!

Let us know how you get on Op and that you’re ok

Awful aggressive behaviour.Animal cruelty, is inexcusable, what’s stopping him doing it again, when he comes home from the pub in a temper. please look into rehoming your cat, there are organisations, who can help you with this, important if you let them know, your cat is being mistreated, you’re in an abusive relationship.
I can see other posters are giving you really good advice, l agree this is abuse, you need help, support x

So, you didn't expect he'd do that with the cat. What if the next time it's your child that he hurls across the room? We could tell you that this man is violent and drunken and cruel all we want but you seem to want to understand him. Who know why he is a cruel and drunken bully? Short of a thunderclap bolt from the sky he's going to keep being a drunken bully and he seems to be escalating. He likes to pick on smaller defenceless targets - no, he's not picking a fight with somebody 6 foot 3 in the pub who looks like he might be ex-Army. There's a good chance his liver is probably shot anyway.

You owe it to you child to get out of this relationship. I can't imagine that an intervention would be either safe or of any use. He's not going to suddenly say that he sees the error of his ways and give up drinking. He is an alcoholic. The one bright thing is that you don't seem to be married to him so you don't have to get a divorce. I'd try to get your son as far away from him as possible - you probably don't want him growing up to be a man like your father. "Cuddles" are just meaningless gestures unless you take action. Little boys tend to do worse than cats when hurled across a room.

If you do leave him, don't give him any prior warning and get yourself somewhere safe. The time when a woman leaves or plans to leave is probably the most dangerous time. The bully realises he is losing control of his victim and escalates. Other posters have had helpful suggestions as to where you can get help.

Don't ever take him back. This is who he really is. You made a very bad choice once so don't make it again.

The cat needs to be taken to the vets for a check up. Cats are good at masking being in pain.

I have a son with additional needs the same age as yours. I would be out of there in a heartbeat. I’d rather uproot everything than risk him being near a person like that a minute longer. If he can assault the cat how long do you think it’ll be before it’s you or your child? Get out.

Animal cruelty is a sign of cruelty to people too.

Get the fuck out of there!

What an abusive bastard. OP please leave this man. He is contributing little to family life spending hours in the pub every day. Do not take him back. He will never change and no doubt things will escalate. If anyone hurt my pet that would be the final straw, pet now, child could be next. If he’s drunk even more chance of him hurting your child or yourself. Ask him to leave and do not take him back. For the sake of yourself, your child and your pets

He has never done anything like that before.

No. He’s never done anything like that before that you’ve seen.

People don’t suddenly abuse animals out of anywhere. You need to leave - and take your cat with you - because this isn’t going to improve and you, your child and your pet deserve better. Your cat also needs to see a vet.

He has never done anything like that before.

No. He’s never done anything like that before that you’ve seen.

People don’t suddenly abuse animals out of anywhere. You need to leave - and take your cat with you - because this isn’t going to improve and you, your child and your pet deserve better. Your cat also needs to see a vet.

Hes an alcoholic and is an abusive partner. Leave before real harm is done and your child thinks this is normal.

OP you said there was no rage to when he threw the cat… what was it then? Can you remember? Was he moving the cat and because he was drunk if overegged it? Sounds like it. If that is the case then he’s not dangerous/in the violent sense.
You need to communicate and say what you need. sounds like you need to work out between you what is reasonable… can’t you start from what you do expect and then go from there?
has he always gone to the pub after work? Or is it new. If he’s always gone you’re asking for something different to suit family life (which is fine). If it’s new then it’s addressed in a different way… ?