Please tell me I'm not alone

[Mememoo]

Hi all, not sure what I want from this really I'm more curious but I suppose also want to know (hoping) I'm not the only one, and any advice is always welcome too. Everytime i search zero sleep with newborn i get threads come up with mums complaining about lack of sleep because all they get is 2-6hr stretches a night. When I say im getting no sleep I literally mean NO sleep (unless u count my head bobbing and having to jump up because I've dozed off holding baby on the SOFA I knowww u can't make me feel worse hold the mum shaming PLEASE 🙏 !!! so basically my baby is 4 weeks old he sleeps pretty much allday in his moses basket, other than waking to eat (he eats alot he never lost weight after birth) probably every hour but goes straight back to sleep after but come nightime he'll still sleep but wont be put down in his moses basket he literally just wants to be held constant and everytime i try he will wake up within 10mins max and only settle if I feed him again so I literally get zero sleep. He eventually settles down and allows himself to be put down around 6am (sometimes) which is not long before my toddler (21months) wakes up for the day?! Anyone else gone through this? How did u cope (I don't have a village to help) what r some quiet activities i can do to keep myself awake whilst holding baby? If it helps... Hes combination fed and IM NOT and will NOT co sleep. Hes my 3rd. Norn by C section .Thanks in advance sorry for long post 🤪

I don’t have any help but I just wanted to send positive thoughts your way. I’m currently massively struggling with sleep and it’s the hardest thing in the world. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

I'm sorry it's so hard. I remember it well and it was bloody awful..the only suggestion I had was co sleeping as it's the only thing that meant I got any sleep at all but I just read that you don't want to do that and I totally understand as it's not for everyone.

One of mine was like this but I’m afraid I solved it by co-sleeping (with no blankets or duvets to be safe). When covering they slept for good 3 hour stretches between feeds.

It's better to co- sleep safely than to fall asleep holding him on the sofa.

you need to rethink your decision on this.

I had two the same and I’m sorry to say it was only Co sleeping that worked. But if you won’t do that… take shifts with your partner? Say you sleep 8-12 and then again 4-6 or something like that?

I had one like that. I know you said you don't want to co-sleep but that was what worked for me.

Co sleeping is the answer, whether you like it or not. Or putting the moses basket in your room and sleeping in your bed during the day. If the toddler is at home then you'll have to coordinate naps or do it whilst they are at nursery. It is a phase and won't last forever

Also if you are nodding off in microsleeps do not drive.

Thanks everyone, I'm a really deep sleeper who moves around alot amd also heard it's not good for bottle fed babies?? But anyway how does it work for you all he literally wants to be in my. Arms not next to me or close to me but actually on me?!

Also might add im housebound ATM my toddler hates the buggy and screams in it when we go out and having a. Newborn in a sling and still recovering from c section i can't be carrying toddler and bending and chasing after her If I let her out the buggy, and we don't have a garden, so im not even getting much fresh air during the day to get active and stay alert

I would try
Swaddling loosely whilst feeding then put next to you in bed. Make sure bed is warm (you could try putting a hot water bottle there briefly)
Co sleeping- try a next to me cot but co-sleeping in a bed with a non smoker is really not dangerous if practised safely.
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/You
Swapping with partner- if you can go to bed at 8/9pm and then sleep to 2am, then you take over with the baby and he gets 2-7.30 ish that would really improve things and both of you would be getting enough sleep.
Nap in the day- either pay someone to take the baby for a couple of hours or nap
shen baby does. Batch cook at the weekend and don’t spend precious nap
time cleaning.
Make sure baby is out and about in the daytime, on walks, in cafes, activities when old enough. Sounds like his circadian rhythms might be a bit off- so he needs plenty of sun and noise in the day to
reset them.

But most of all, remember this will get better so just take each day as it comes.

Sorry to hear this. A few things the midwife told me (and apologies if you already know and have tried). Your baby might need comfort and just need to suck so a pacifier might help? I was so against it but it totally did for me. I was also told to get the baby into sunlight to help with circadian rythms. If you can’t push around outside then maybe out baby near a window (out of direct or danger of sunlight of course). Can you get one of those baskets that attaches onto your bed so right beside you but not in your bed? You can then just put your hand on baby and not worry about potential co sleeping issues. Use a sleeping bag for baby and/or wrap baby to make baby feel in womb and signal bed time.

After four weeks of a c you should be able to be bending fairly comfortably so you may want to mention this to your health visitor. It does eventually start to change. Good luck.

OP best advice I had as hard as may feel at the time is to keep them awake though the day and gradually shift their rhythms to 7am to 7pm however hard it feats at the time. Their body clock will adjust...it's really blinkin tough and hard but does work...done this x two kids xx

You are definitely not alone. With my second I bought this special cushion thingy that cradled her perfectly. It was quite high so I couldn’t roll on her, and she was firmly strapped in so couldn’t roll out. So I brought her into my bed, safely in her special cushion, and sort of cuddled her in that. It wasn’t the most comfortable way to sleep, but it was better than no sleep. I can’t remember what the cushion was called, I think I might have imported it from France. If you’re going to try it it’s important to make sure you’re well wrapped up so you can sleep without bedding, then you can’t accidentally cover baby while you’re sleeping.

The other suggestion I have is to try keeping your baby awake more in the day.

Thanks for all the advice guys, yes I've tried swaddling and no swaddling he doesn't seemed fussed either way lol yes he's got a dummy that's a must in my eyes as a safety thing for sleep. .e and my husband were doing shifts but he's gone back to work now, he tells me to wake him up at 2-3am but i feel sorry for him. Yes we have massive windows so plenty of sunlight but midwife said to let him sleep as he's still to young to learn the difference between night and day yet and hel automatically adjust on his own when he's ready. C section recovery...I was walking same day and home the next and up and about normally after a few days because I felt fine no pain etc considering I was dreading it as it was my third one was expecting alot of scar tissue and more pain but no my easiest one yet, although I'm on blood thinners and I started bleeding heavily and ended up in a&e who said i need to rest and to also stop lifting my toddler until atleast 6-8weeks sooo 🤷‍♀️

That’s an awful lot of sleep even for a newborn if he’s sleeping all day and then all night to and just waking up for feeds. He need to be awake longer in the day or he won’t get his rhythm into day and night. Take him out in the day as much as possible to get him in daylight, try to keep him awake for stretches during the day, play with him, take him out to classes and groups. Does your toddler go to nursery? If not it might be worth exploring that as it will give you some one in one time with your baby to be able to take him out and do things, and give your toddler something to do that’s not about the baby. It can’t be good for anyone staying in all day.

A quick google suggests the cushion thing might have been an earlier version of a cocoonababy. They now say babies shouldn’t sleep in them overnight. It was over ten years ago and very new when I got mine and that advice wasn’t there then.

The key is to find a way for you to sleep with your baby safely. At another time I had a cot with the side off up against my bed and I essentially lay in the cot cuddling my baby until she was asleep, and then slowly edged away.

The thing is, it’s all very well being anti co-sleeping, but you absolutely must get some sleep. My health visitor pointed out that planned cosleeping is far safer than accidental co-sleeping, which is what will end up happening if you don’t get some sleep. Make a plan that works for you. Dress warmly so no need for covers. Make sure there is a separate safe space for the baby.

REALLY??? .midwife and h.v said its normal for him to sleep and just wake mainly for feeds, should I be worried! No she's not in nursery yet we want her fully potty trained and speaking well before we send her

Well this post has occupied and kept me awake for over 1hour so far .maybe I should write some more haha

You’re making your life harder than it needs to be and wondering why it’s so hard

I do it too so you’re definitely not alone.

look at lullaby trust safe sleeping guidelines and get your toddler into nursery so you’ve got some more village and your toddler has some company that’s not a sleep deprived person trying to care for a baby.

You can’t be everything to everyone especially not while you’re creating hurdles for yourself

Oh bless you, OP. I have no ideas I'm afraid, but I hope your new born starts to settle into a less-demanding night routine soon.🙏🤗

To be honest, I slept with all 3 of mine in the nursing chair/on the sofa all the time. It’s not ideal but it’s reality. Also co slept which is actually meant to be good for them I think and we’ve all done it for millennia. Just the risk of dropping them when you’re sat in a chair I guess, and squashing them if on a sofa. So, safely co sleep. It’s certainly risky to remain as sleep deprived as you are, so choose the thing with less risk. For me that would be sleeping whatever way you can, as safely as poss for the baby of course. That may be with the baby on you.

My daughter slept literally on my chest even in our bed for months, she was in a pavilk harness and it was the best way she was comfortable.

Have I missed why you’re housebound? Get out in the car if you’re able (or get DD to walk?) - you can drive whenever you feel ready after a c section. Lots of people think 6 weeks but that’s not the case.

My son was like this, my husband would get in from work and I would go to bed and sleep for a few hours. Wake and look after baby in the night and sleep again in the morning before he went to work. Another here to say what worked was co sleeping. Me and baby only, husband slept on sofa and we didn’t use quilt or pillows, just blankets and a sleep bag for baby.

I have a velcro baby too and for the first week DH and I were getting no sleep as she only wanted to be held. On day 5 the midwife suggested co-sleeping and it saved us. Google the ‘safe seven’ for how to do it.

ETA: Oh…. I’ve just seen you CAN NOT and WILL NOT co sleep… May I ask why?

Personally I would disregard what the midwife said about learning day from night. I started keeping my daughter awake in the day when she was a couple of days old, in the hospital, at the suggestion of my midwife! Before that she was doing exactly as you describe & I mentioned it to the midwife, not knowing if it was normal; she suggested trying to keep it loud & bright during the day & just trying to keep her awake a little longer each day. It made such a difference.

Babies are often nocturnal when born apparently as they are used to being rocked to sleep in the womb whilst we move around all day & then party at night (anyone else remember being woken up by a kick to the ribs?).

As for things to keep you awake, a backlit kindle with a good book, a game/tv/podcast on your phone with headphones & of course, Mumsnet!

20 years ago for me and I still remember it. I had to do-sleep. Safely. But I was that or I wouldn’t have survived.