To post this here as I really need advice

[Namefonow]

I’m sorry, I have already posted this in step parenting but I need some help.

I messed up big time last night and need to recover this for the sake of my children. We are a blended family of 5. Elder 3 are my partners. Younger is mine and we have a 1 year old together.
all having a lovely day yesterday together. I thought I saw the DSS 13 touch DD 6 on her bottom. He caught my eye and left the room. Partner dealt with it brilliantly and sat them both down individually and talked to them. Both said nothing happened. I did not deal with it well at all. To say I lost it would be an understatement. Tried to take the two youngest away and made some serious threats. DSS now doesn’t want me in the house. I get it. But I don’t want to lose my family or my children.
for now I’m staying away but am going back to do bedtime routine with the little ones. I have no idea how to recover from this.
I have apologise d sincerely to everyone but I know it will take time. Any advice would be so welcome. I don’t want to cause anyone any more pain.
for context, I was abused as a young child and freaked out. But that does not for a second excuse my over reaction.

I've not advice (I am in a blended family, and also my own children have a SM for context) but it's a pretty serious allegation and I don't really blame your DSS for feeling the way he does if it's completely unfounded.

When you say he touched her on the bottom I think you need to elaborate. If he touched her bum cheek innocently while helping her put her shoes on (struggling for an example) its very different to surreptitiously touching her 'front' bottom whilst sat in front of the TV.

I'm not sure why you think your history of being abused does not come into it. You may want to have some counselling about this. Unfortunately we are being conditioned to see abuse everywhere and to trust no-one - perhaps you are also falling prey to this to some extent. Either way, I think you need some professional help.

Completely agree with you here.

I have a therapist booked for Tuesday. I agree that I definitely need help.

What I saw was stoking back bottom. Not the worst thing in the world I know but it freaked me out.
however, as both have denied it, I think I must have been wrong. Neither are known for lying.

What has your husband said about this? Did your DSS here you 'loose it'?

You believe two children over what you saw with your own eyes?

I think there are two things to think about. The first is your own trauma, the circumstances, how old you were, whether you told anyone and were believed. You don’t need to share that here but nothing triggers your own trauma than your own children - I’ve been there. Therapy will help you make sense of your own experiences and to separate that from your daughter. Being hyper vigilant is a left over from trauma, so you may not have seen what you thought you did.

The other thing is you said your DSS caught your eye, in what way. It’s wholly possible you did see something and he’s clocked your reaction and is now back pedalling - which is easy to do if you’ve had an emotional/triggered reaction. Would your DD tell her step dad if something had happened? Particularly if she saw you upset? I’d create lots of natural opportunities to chat to your DD - not about her step brother but just in general so she can tell you in her own time if there’s something she’s uncomfortable with.

Yes it’s a big allegation, and maybe you could have handled it better but you’ve very clearly communicated to all concerned that you’ve got your eye on things, which is a good thing. I’d apologise for your reaction but don’t beat yourself up for protecting your daughter.

In all honesty I also wouldn’t be leaving the children without you being there. If there is something going on your daughter doesn’t have you as a protective factor and she now knows that disclosing anything will take you away from her - which is a powerful driver to her keeping quiet.

I agree.

The dd might not have actually felt it if she was wearing pants or been scared to admit it because it had kicked off.

I would call the doctor first thing op, I know you have therapy booked for Tuesday then that's a great start, but you may need some additional help, so it's best to get things started ASAP.

What threats did you make? Did you make the threats in front of the kids?

Do you still think you saw him touching her? If so I would probably report it and get an expert to unpick things, I get your emotional response, of course, but there are specific techniques used to ask kids these things.

Honestly, your relationship is probably irreparably damaged here, there's pretty much no coming back from this, so you need to think long term. You being kicked out away from your kids isn't sustainable.

It all sounds so tough op, when the shock wears off a bit you need to start getting practical.

I think you need to be really clear with yourself here. You say you think you saw, you say that neither of them admitted it so think you could be wrong, but what did you actually see in that moment? Remove any interpretation, what did you physically see? What was happening at the time? Were they standing still? Moving?

Once you are comfortable that you saw what you saw, then you can continue.

Why did SS leave the room when he caught your eye?

It's much more like that he did deliberately touch her botton inappropriately than not.

I'll bet at least 50% of women have suffered this kind of shit at least once

Please go easy on yourself. It’s no wonder your horrible past experiences triggered you.

all you can do now is put your hands up and say you are truly sorry and that certain things that have happened to you in your past triggered you to react to something that wasn’t there.

time will be a healer and you’ll all get past this.

Excellent advice from @Jellycatspyjamas, I agree whole heartedly with everything they have said.

My first reaction was wondering what you mean by making serious threats - are we talking “I’ll f** kill you” said towards DSS, or expressing your feelings away from the kids/threatening to take kids away etc? Does he not want you in the house because of things you said to him, or because you thought he did it and were upset about that?

I can’t tell if you’re being really hard on yourself/even gaslighting yourself, or if your actions do somewhat warrant your sincere apology and keeping distance (if that makes any sense)

That aside I think a few good points have been raised - how sure are you that you got it totally wrong?

I actually wonder if you are using your past to make an excuse for this situation in an attempt to make everything better and go away. Convincing yourself it didn't happen.

I think you need to calmly close your eyes and replay what you saw and his expression when you saw.

Having trauma doesn't mean you can't trust your own eyeballs and instincts.

I'm not saying he did actually do anything... But also it's almost easier to pretend you imagined it, right?

I thought I saw the DSS 13 touch DD 6 on her bottom. He caught my eye and left the room. Partner dealt with it brilliantly and sat them both down individually and talked to them. Both said nothing happened.

Can you sit calmly by yourself for a moment now and close your eyes and re-see that moment again?

Tried to take the two youngest away and made some serious threats. DSS now doesn’t want me in the house.

You reacted to something potentially very serious. Your reaction was quite normal IMO if this had really happened as you first thought.

I’m staying away but am going back to do bedtime routine with the little ones. I have no idea how to recover from this.
I have apologise d sincerely to everyone but I know it will take time.

You're staying away from your children? Why?

OP - don't be too quick to dismiss this. I can't say weather you were right or wrong, but if you were right then your DD needs you to not fall to pieces. I don't know what advice to give you. The answer is there in your mind. You have to think hard.

I agree with pp, don't gaslight yourself - really concentrate and remove everything else and concentrate on what you actually saw. If you saw him inappropriately touch your DC then you can deal with that in the right way. He doesn't just get to say, it didn't happen if you actually saw it happen in real time.

I wouldn't be leaving my young children in the house as pp said, it's unlikely your DD will disclose something if she feels she is going to lose you if she does.

Can you talk to NSPCC and try and get some advice.

Do you think they denied it because they were afraid of your reaction?

Why are you doubting what you saw?

Sorry OP my friend at school was abused by her older brother for years, it is more common than people think.

You say your partner spoke to both kids individually.
Were you there in the room with them for this?

Did you speak to your daughter about this alone at all?

I'm sure you know already OP, advice concerning talking to children about possible inappropriate touching/grooming/abuse includes not asking leading questions or 'putting words in their mouths'. It's quite difficult and is a skill which police and social services are trained to do. This is your own daughter, and you are her mum. You know her best. You should feel comfy speaking to her, but just be aware of your language when you bring this up with her.

I feel you should quietly and for yourself make a written note of exactly what you thought you saw. The date and time. Who said what to who and what's happened since.

The reason for this is that we forget details and our minds change events very easily and very soon after the time things happen. If you can refer back to something you wrote at the time with details it will stop that 'i must have imagined it' feeling going any further.

I really feel for you OP. Such a traumatic thing.

But as a previous poster said, please don't subconsciously grab at the chance to say this didn't happen just because it's easier than dealing with the opposite.

If you end up thinking there's a chance you could be right get some advice from NSPCC and they will help you.

Why are you automatically wanting to come back from this when you saw something with your own eyes??

why the F have you been kicked out as the only voice to protect your daughter.

get the F back there right now!!!

My thoughts exactly. OP you can’t leave your daughter in a home where you saw her having her bottom stroked by an older step sibling, you also have a 1 year old to think about. You have said you saw it happening with your own eyes, you need to go home and be with your daughter no matter what. You also need to call NSPCC and report what you saw to someone, please don’t brush this under the carpet.