To post this here as I really need advice

[Namefonow]

I’m sorry, I have already posted this in step parenting but I need some help.

I messed up big time last night and need to recover this for the sake of my children. We are a blended family of 5. Elder 3 are my partners. Younger is mine and we have a 1 year old together.
all having a lovely day yesterday together. I thought I saw the DSS 13 touch DD 6 on her bottom. He caught my eye and left the room. Partner dealt with it brilliantly and sat them both down individually and talked to them. Both said nothing happened. I did not deal with it well at all. To say I lost it would be an understatement. Tried to take the two youngest away and made some serious threats. DSS now doesn’t want me in the house. I get it. But I don’t want to lose my family or my children.
for now I’m staying away but am going back to do bedtime routine with the little ones. I have no idea how to recover from this.
I have apologise d sincerely to everyone but I know it will take time. Any advice would be so welcome. I don’t want to cause anyone any more pain.
for context, I was abused as a young child and freaked out. But that does not for a second excuse my over reaction.

Great advice here about making notes.

Given what you’ve been through I think DSS and others will come to understand why you reacted the way you did but will your DD understand that you saw it and did nothing if it is a bit more sinister than being made out to be

Op going back may result in the police being called depending on the threats she made.

There's no way someone screaming abuse and threats should be in the home regardless if what else is going on. That's not good for anyone.

Do you have a family or friend you could stay with, with your kids, for a few nights? Just until you contact SS or the police. Do you feel up to looking after the kids?

Does this help ...

I reported it but it turned out i was mistaken.

vs

I was right but did nothing about it.

Which is worse OP?
(the answer is the second one)

It's a shit sandwich either way OP but sadly you have to take a bite. Everything has changed already

Why are you convinced you over-reacted? I'm not sure why you've left the home, OP, especially if it's possible your stepson is hurting your daugher. I think I would trust what I saw with my own eyes over what two children say and I'd be removing my child from this environment.

Well it sounds like DSS did stroke DDs bum. And now you have left them and she’s still there?

I am at the house. I will post the response I made on the other thread which explains more. My children are safe.

I understand what you are all saying. Genuinely. The children are all that matter. I have come home but staying in the summer house to be respectful. My 1 year is still breast fed and is struggling without me. I have no where else to go. My children (step kids included) are the centre of my world. Their mother does not have custody but I understand where the concern is coming from. The last thing I want to do is brand a good boy with a life altering name.
I did see what I saw. Categorically. However, it may have been innocent from SS’s perspective. They were having a bit of rough and tumble prior to this and she was sitting on his lap. My kids are not in danger as my partner will look after them all. I have not the slightest doubt about that. He is a good man and an even better father.
I made no threats to the boy. My only threat was that I am leaving with the two little ones. But that’s enough to put worry into their heads. I have directed no anger towards him. Before leaving this morning I explained to him why I reacted as I did and apologised. I asked his permission to come home to put the little ones to bed tonight. I have now done that and have gone to the summer house.
there is no doubt that in this situation I could be described as irrational. I was scared and acted in a way that disgusts me. I need help for that and I have booked therapy for early next week.
I guess what I am asking is for advice how to approach my SS and make him feel safe again. He is not a bad boy. He is a good big brother. He is also 13 and I will make allowances for that while absolutely ensuring that his sisters are safe.
OP

Before leaving this morning I explained to him why I reacted as I did and apologised. I asked his permission to come home to put the little ones to bed tonight.

Can I check, you asked your step son’s permission or your DH?

Yeah you still haven't said what you actually did and said so it's hard to reply to how to approach him.

I think, from what you have said, that you have genuine concerns. You shouldn’t be chased out of your own home . You need to go back and face this. Where is your husband in all this?

You seem weirdly deferential to the males in this story. Your poor DD is now in a home with no adult related to her protecting and advocating for her. You should be making contact with the NSPCC not trying to convince yourself that there is nothing to see here.

I am with my child. She is safe.
my husband makes absolutely no distinctions between her and the others.

My stepson’s permission. He needs to feel safe. No matter what, he needs to be safe in his own home.

And your daughter has the right to feel safe too. You said up thread you are sure of what you saw.

Sorry to nit-pick - do you mean the 1 yr old is with you in the summerhouse? Or your daughter is with you there?

OP you should not be asking the permission of a 13 year old child, who is clearly not in a very stable place at the moment either way, what you as an adult may do. This is far too much authority and responsibility for him to shoulder at his age, and to give him this decision making power is the opposite of safety. All the children concerned in this need very much for their adults to be in charge. This is what reassures and feels safe. You and your H need to decide where you should be (I think it should be in the house, bringing as much normality to this as you can) and then tell the children what is happening. Please don't burden your step son with adult decisions. Next I think you need to take advice on what you saw either from social services or if that feels too much give Family Lives a call (Google them) Don't approach this with your step son again, either to apologise or discuss until you've taken advice.

My stepson’s permission. He needs to feel safe. No matter what, he needs to be safe in his own home.

Giving him power over where the adults in his life are is the very opposite of safety. He needs the adults in his life to make decisions together about what happens next. You made a mistake, the lesson for him is that we can get things wrong and the relationship needs to be worked through - and he doesn’t have the power to evict you from your own home. It’s far too much responsibility to place on a 13 year old child.

When you say you saw him stroke her bottom do you mean she was sat on his lap and he rubbed his hand up and down her back all the way to his leg so got the top of his bum or was she standing and he was just stroking her bum? There is a difference.

I'm slightly concerned here you are taking a 13 year old and 6 year old saying it didn't happen over witnessing it with your own eyes. It's important you focus on what you saw not what you want the reality to be.

Hopefully this is all innocent but I'm not convinced by your follow up messages it is. As for giving a 13 year old power over where you stay is crazy. You have small children at the house who need you and what if he never says you can return?

He is a child who right now needs his dad to be stepping up and ensuring he feels safe by talking to him, educating him on boundaries and reassuring him (if it was inncoent). You need to take full accountability if it's innocent by saying you didn't handle your emotions well and you allowed external factors to cloud your judgement but you are going to get some help to ensure it doesn't happen again. Then apologise and leave any follow up chats to his dad

Power imbalance wrong if you are asking DSS to come back you your home.

What if he says tomorrow 'no you can't be here' are you going to abandon your 1 year old who needs to feed from you??

Yes you need to reflect on what's gone on in relation to him but don't be asking him if you can be at home.

Hiding away in the summer house, I expect is something you'd have done similar as a child- hide away. To break away from that you need to get back in your home and show everyone including yourself that things are carrying on.

I think you need a talk with DSS to ask what he was doing, why he went off when he saw you and go from there and if there is anything not right I think you'd pick it up. Otherwise it's how to repair things.

I’m sorry OP for what you have been through and the turmoil you are now feeling. This all seems a little bonkers though. You are outside in the summerhouse waiting for a 13 year old to give you permission to come in?

You have explained, and apologised. That’s all that is needed. Just go back inside, go to bed, and talk about it with your husband tomorrow.

Your DSS may or may not need further guidance about how and where it’s okay to touch other people, I suggest that you leave this up to your DH, and perhaps he and you could book a session together with your therapist so that you can find a way to navigate this together that you both understand and agree with.

Wishing you the best.

I also don't think you should be in the summer house. You should be in the main house.
It all sounds very upsetting but I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself and letting yourself be talked out of what you know you saw.

If it's any help - I was groped by a stranger as a 10 year old and it was reported to the police. However, they didn't ask the questions in the right way so they came away with the impression nothing really happened. (A police officer asked me to do her what the stranger did to me, but I didn't want to so I just did a much lesser version to her.)

So I don't feel at all reassured nothing happened just because 2 kids are saying nothing happened.
I can believe you reacted completely appropriately and your partner and stepson are now talking you into believing you're wrong because that's more convenient for everyone. I think your absence is probably really upsetting for your children, especially if it's been a crazy day.

Hmmm, I think that you probably did see something. I’m not saying that the boy was intending to do anything to your daughter but perhaps he got a bit curious. In any case, your over-reaction will act as a deterrent in the future (whether or not anything happened now) so please don’t tell yourself off.

I remember when I was 13-14 years old, my older brother (from same parents) kept finding reasons to enter the bathroom when I was in the bath (with the shower curtain drawn) and kept putting his head behind the shower curtain to ask me stuff or make jokes. Once he jokingly touched my breast. Disgusting. I only remember it happening once…So, yeah, inappropriate sexual curiosity can happen even between blood siblings. So I do think you saw something. Your step son will never admit it but at least he knows he should never ever ever attempt anything similar

OP, please trust your gut with this. You know what you saw and you know what you felt. Being abused can make you overly sensitive to some things but it also gives you one hell of an inbuilt detector. With the greatest of respect, you need to protect your daughter.

So you saw the boy touch your child and now you have left him in the house with her? I don’t know why you are doubting yourself and talking about therapy and putting yourself in the summerhouse! That’s nuts. You need to be back in the house protecting your children!

As a fellow stepmother I think you're handling this in the wrong way:

1. Asking a 13yo if you can stay/come back. You're the adult end of.

2. A 6yo on a 13yo lap. I find that inappropriate regardless. He clearly was testing his boundaries and potentially that's why he did it. You've shown him he can get away with it and not only that you'll apologise!

3. you keep saying partner, rather than husband , which means that unless the house is jointly owned you have everything to lose.

4. you do know that SA mostly happens within family circles and "secrecy" us one of its symptoms, right?