Is this rubbish or normal? Re: birthday

[abonymousAnon]

It’s my birthday today and I feel DH has made no effort. I got a card from the kids and I’ve been cleaning all morning, he hasn’t even planned anything or asked me. He usually takes kids to his mothers on Sunday but today they’re all at home with me. I told him I’m upset and he’s just gone for a walk now in a strop. My youngest is sleeping and eldest is watching tv and I’m sat here really upset. I could have had a lovely day if they had gone to his mothers as usual! I actually thought he had planned something as he never misses a day with his mum but looks like we’re not doing anything.

before I get the usual mumsnet - “we’ll did you actually ask him?”. I plan everything for everyone and give everyone lovely suprised on their birthday. really thought just once I would get the same treatment! His birthday for example is February and I’ve already planned a lovely day and meal out for just us

also he told me no one over age of 12 gets a cake as I told him he could have at least got a small cake for us to have at home even a cupcake. Is it really only 12 or under ego get a cake? I don’t know why I’m more upset than usual this year msybe as I thought kids were older and would mean more

Why would it be lovely if your husband and kids were not there, is there a back story?

Typical mumsbet! I mean if it was a normal Sunday I.e not my birthday I would have had a better day relaxing rather than cleaning and cooking for everyone on my birthday. No backstory! 😂

I didn’t ask about the cleaning and cooking and you didn’t primarily focus on that, you focused on the fact you wanted them all to leave so you could have a lovely day. No one forced you to clean I assume. And if it is typical mumsnet to like spending yout birthday with your family and not home alone, then count me in

Oh that's rubbish - a card + cake is hardly a Herculean effort! Especially if he's broken the normal routine and stayed home today, I'd have half expected him to have sorted a lunch / trip out.

I'm way over 12 and love a cake 😂 I think you might need to rethink your February plans if I'm honest. Especially if he's gone off in a strop!

That is very sad OP, and I sympathise- had the same thing happen recently. It is very disappointing when a partner hasn't taken the time and care to think: 'what could I do to make my beloved partner feel appreciated and cared for'. That might be a special day planned or a personal gift, but it always includes kind and thoughtful treatment- an effort to remember that this is a cherished person on a significant anniversary.

Happy birthday 🥳 OP xx

Thank you all.

It's rubbish. I'm sorry, OP.

But why on earth are you spending your birthday cleaning? That part of it is on you.

Oh I get it, OP. Time to chill out, relax, have peace and quiet. I love my kids beyond, but I really like the chance to have my own space.

I'd guess you were cleaning, even though nobody told you to, is because it needed doing!

You are quite right. He should have planned something nice. We always get a cake for the birthday person, although it's always a pre-made job from Tesco because we don't have the time or skill level required! A basic cake, some nice presents and a trip out for lunch or dinner - not exactly demanding the Moon!

I sometimes feel like this about Christmas etc. I run around sorting stuff to make it nice for us, but nobody else bothers.
I hope you've got a nice bottle of wine or similar and that you can at least have a lovely chill tonight. Big hug!

Honestly tell him straight. Your birthday is now next Sunday. He plans something nice!

Men get away with this sort of lazy behaviour because they are allowed to.

He's been thoughtless and been rewarded with all the housework done and no doubt his meals cooked

I completely get it OP. Not only has your H not made you birthday special he's made it harder than your usual Sunday when you at least get the luxury of an empty house with no DC demands. To add insult to injury him not going probably raised your hopes he had nice plans for the day. I don't know what he's thinking, unless he used your birthday as an excuse to his mum. And it's nonsense about cakes. I'm 55 and I get one. As do all my family. Happy Birthday and sorry its been a let down.

Well cancel the plans for his birthday in February for a start.
Happy Birthday 💐

I think as an adult you do have to take some responsibility for your own birthday.

I'm assuming that the reason he didn't go to his Mum's was because he thought you might like to spend the day with him and the kids rather than on your own?

Do you get him a present and card? If you're a present/card family and he didn't bother then that is rubbish.

Yes it’s rubbish and thoughtless. Hopefully he has had time to reflect on his walk and buy you a birthday cake. I’m 56 and still get them.
Happy birthday 🎂

I'm assuming that the reason he didn't go to his Mum's was because he thought you might like to spend the day with him and the kids rather than on your own?

Cooking and cleaning is a present now is it? @NuffSaidSam

Now her DH is in a huff because she's called him out on it. He needs to do better. I get presents and a cake every birthday and I'm 43.

I'm always torn on these threads because I would hate for DH (or anyone else) to plan their idea of 'something nice' for my birthday.

If I want to do something particular I either organise it myself, or ask specially that we do whatever it is. IE: 'I'd like to go to X restaurant on my birthday, could you see if your sister would mind babysitting and then I'll book it'.

That said, that's obviously not what you prefer, so assuming it was clear that you'd like your Husband / kids if they're old enough to organise something for you then you're not being unreasonable to be upset that they haven't.

Also, no age limits on birthday cake, but again I'd expect an adult to ask for one if they wanted one.

I doubt that he insisted she spend the day cooking and cleaning. If he did force her to cook and clean then I agree with you, retract my comment and would suggest the OP has bigger issues than her birthday. But the OP reads like she's made that choice herself.

I'd guess you were cleaning, even though nobody told you to, is because it needed doing!
Sorry but there’s no cleaning that needs doing 7 days a week, an important wash on , the counter cleared off, washing up done, aside from that the day can be housework free! Op you said typical mn says would you not tell him well that’s what you have to do in advance- can’t wait for my birthday, I’m thinking x, y and z. Some people do not have the imagination to put on a good birthday show! No cake .. ppppfffff!!!!

Don't be saying things like "even a cupcake" would suffice - no it bloody wouldn't! Would you expect anyone else to be grateful for a birthday cupcake? Your birthday matters as much as everyone elses. Bugs me everytime I see it on here; :"I would be happy with a bar of chocolate / £2.99 bunch of flowers / a cup of tea" etc. Stop accepting or expecting crumbs or that is all you will ever get.

He's a selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless sod. Stop cleaning for starters and make him sort dinner.

I would seriously consider downgrading whatever you have planned for his birthday too.

"Just wondering why my birthday doesn't matter?" said calmly, might kickstart the conversation.

Your birthday might have been today but if you're unhappy be honest and ask your husband if he can do something special for you next weekend instead.

This is shit OP, Happy Birthday 🎂
Your DH is lazy and miserable.

What did he do / organise / buy last year, and all the previous years.

Personally I would have been talking about my birthday about a month ago, and making suggestions as to what we would be doing, and when i.e. if always at his mother's home on a Sunday then i would have been out for a meal last night with babysitters booked if necessary.

That’s rubbish of him!! I’d be cancelling the plans for his birthday and showing him the same effort, or giving him the chance to make it up to me next weekend and telling him the sort of thing I expect.
Going out in a strop is very immature, what is he even annoyed about? You’re not being ungrateful because he’s done nothing to be grateful for!

It's not too late to go out for a nice meal on your own, OP. Leave him at home to look after the kids. Or order in your favourite food, just for you, & leave him to make dinner for himself & the kids. Bonus points if someone will deliver a cake to you. And as PP said, cancel the plans for his birthday.

I think you need to communicate better. Surely you should have known before today that he wasn't planning to go to his mum's. and you could have discussed that it might be nice to go out for lunch or something instead. Also, you presumably didn't HAVE to clean for ages.

It does sound a bit like you expected him to mind read.

Having said that, he should have at least organised a card and small present, so the fact he didn't is pretty shitty.

I do think this is something you need to talk about properly before your next birthday though.