Is this rubbish or normal? Re: birthday

[abonymousAnon]

It’s my birthday today and I feel DH has made no effort. I got a card from the kids and I’ve been cleaning all morning, he hasn’t even planned anything or asked me. He usually takes kids to his mothers on Sunday but today they’re all at home with me. I told him I’m upset and he’s just gone for a walk now in a strop. My youngest is sleeping and eldest is watching tv and I’m sat here really upset. I could have had a lovely day if they had gone to his mothers as usual! I actually thought he had planned something as he never misses a day with his mum but looks like we’re not doing anything.

before I get the usual mumsnet - “we’ll did you actually ask him?”. I plan everything for everyone and give everyone lovely suprised on their birthday. really thought just once I would get the same treatment! His birthday for example is February and I’ve already planned a lovely day and meal out for just us

also he told me no one over age of 12 gets a cake as I told him he could have at least got a small cake for us to have at home even a cupcake. Is it really only 12 or under ego get a cake? I don’t know why I’m more upset than usual this year msybe as I thought kids were older and would mean more

Happy Birthday! What did he do last year? Any effort at all?

It’s still not too late right now put down your dishcloth and give yourself a five minute spruce and leave the house. Maybe you’ve got the guts to go and buy yourself a drink in a different pub or you’ve got a local friend. You can go round with a bottle of wine but do something memorable. Happy birthday 🎂

Also, why didn't he take the kids to his Mum's as usual? If he stayed home because it was your birthday but didn't do anything towards celebrating it, does that mean he thinks the Birthday Fairy does everything & surprises just happen, so all he had to do was be there when it happened?

He told me months ago he was booking a holiday as it’s half term and I thought I would count that as my birthday plan so didn’t discuss what I’d like to do as I thought we were going away. He even told the kids we were going and they told teachers and friends on the last day of term. That Friday when they broke up from school he got in his usual mood and said we not going as it’s too expensive!

He’s the type who doesn’t discuss things, communication is a big issue. My youngest was really upset as he told his teacher and was worried if she asks him when he goes back so I’ve been dealing with trying to give my son a good half term with day trips and seeing friends etc to keep his mind off. I only found out they were not going to his mums house when we went to visit them a couple of days ago when he mentioned to his mum when we were saying bye - didn’t tell me directly. I just feel fed up, it’s not really the birthday it’s more he gets my hopes up. I was looking forward to going away in half term but I think he needs to stop making us think he’s doing something then not.

Happy birthday 🎉 🎂
I would think twice about doing anything for his birthday that's for sure
I always plan well ahead for my dh birthday and make it special and he does the same for me
He's acted childish in response of your birthday

Make yourself a nice tea. Shame he has flounced off out. He can make his own.

Pretty much normal. I haven't had a birthday cake for 30+ years (ie since age 21), because they are for kids.
But why on earth did you spend the morning cleaning, OP? If your birthday is important to you (and it sounds like it is) you could have done something enjoyable (lie in, go for a walk, out for coffee, hobby, read a book etc etc). There was no need to be a martyr.

Sorry your H didn’t make an effort for you, OP. Even a little effort on your special day is really not much to ask. I don’t understand why anyone asks if you cajoled him into doing something reminded him - you shouldn’t have to!

Hmmm I do think it's odd that you'd have a lovely birthday if the kids weren't with you. What?? But I agree it's rubbish that DH planned absolutely nothing. I'd be really thinking about what I meant to him if it were me.

Happy Birthday!
It's no consolation but I had a rubbish birthday last Sunday. DH was poorly so didn't get me a card. present or cake.
I had to buy my own cake from M&S except all they had was sodding Colin the Caterpillar.
None of my cards arrived by post and I spent the day gazing out of the window, sighing and feeling very sorry for myself.

I couldn’t put up with this , I would have taken the kids away somewhere for half term for a start . Going forward , if you are really prepared to stay in this one sided relationship, plan things for you and your children and stop making an effort for his birthday etc .

After your update about the holiday I'd be really angry. I wouldn't just accept his bad mood. Tell him that treating you and the children this way is completely unacceptable.

Go out, @abonymousAnon (take the kids with you if you feel like it) to somewhere that doesn’t need a reservation: surely there’s someplace suitable as it’s still early.

Happy birthday 🎈

Too many threads like this.

Stop giving everyone a nice surprise, stop cleaning all morning, put yourself first.
You don't even need to ask your husband if he's doing anything for you - do it on your own, for yourself.
You would be surprised, OP, how little forgetful or lazy they are, if you remain emotionally (a lot) a bit independent. Needs practice, though.

Happy birthday! 🎈🎂

Why do you allow him so much autonomy! You should decide if you want to go away or if you want to celebrate your birthday. You know he is not going to do anything so don't wait for the disappointment, just do something fir yourself and the kids. Stop doing anything for him, he doesn't deserve it. Do you earn your own money....if so...spend some on yourself!

@abonymousAnon - now you know to match his energy.

When he doesn't get the same lavish treatment that you have previously given him on his birthday or for Father's Day or whatever, you can point out that you were matching what he did for your birthday - i.e. NOTHING!

I love the fact that HE'S gone off for a walk, without the kids, so no stress there, while you have them and you're doing cleaning etc.

Men have a very very low bar when it comes to things like this - please say that if you have a son OP that you're setting a higher standard for him to achieve?

Happy Birthday @abonymousAnon 🎂🎂🍹

Of course you should have cake and lots of treats too. It doesn't matter what age you are. Urgh! I'm sorry you seem to have found yourself stuck with a twatty husband. ☹️

You've only got one life so stop letting him ruin yours and make yourself a promise to stand up for yourself and make some big changes. He's not the boss of you.

Happy birthday OP.

Is there a particular reason you thought he might pull his finger out this year? It sounds like he never has before.

I would stop doing anything for his birthday beyond a card from the kids. If he thinks birthdays aren't important then match his energy.

The visit sounds a bit difficult and rough on everyone, but life itself must be extremely rough on those poor kids who have lost their Dad and your sister who has lost her husband. I'd put some of their behaviour down to that rather than judging how she raised them. You don't have children, you haven't had to deal with that kind of loss and bear the emotional load of it so sorry but you sound like you're being a little unkind.

Yeah, it's rubbish. He is meant to be your partner in life and he can't be arsed to make you feel special on your birthday. He is being selfish. He needs a kick up the arse.
Happy birthday @abonymousAnon

Is it really only 12 or under ego get a cake?

Well there's no rule is there?

We've always had birthday cake on the day & do the same for kids-been married nearly 30yrs.

I'm often more bothered about doing something for my birthday-day/meal out so I tell my husband what's happening & it happens.

Husband not always bothered so if he doesn't want to do anything then we don't.

My birthdays have been like this for years, I've learned not to expect much from anyone this year. I'm going to bake a lovely cake for myself the day before and on the day I'm going to go into town after the school run and have a browse around the shops, get myself some treats and a nice lunch somewhere.

If I'm reading this correctly, you all thought you were going on Holiday for half term, until the Friday before half term when he announced you weren't? But nobody had asked him when or where or if you were going until that point?

I absolutely couldn't live in that kind of communication vacuum, from either side. I could no more live with a Man who just doesn't speak than I could just quietly wait for him to reveal all (or in this case nothing at all).

Perfectly normal to have a cake at at age. Didn't have to go mad and buy a special cake but supermarkets sell lovely bday cakes 🍰
So he's an arse just for saying you don't need a cake let alone the rest of his thoughtlessness.

I just stopped making an effort for anyone's bday unless they were my child under the age of 18 after fecking years of it not being reciprocated.
Dh is better now and will book a restaurant and buy a bunch of flowers. I also buy myself a lovely birthday present every year. To me, from me!