Is it wrong to expect a child free catch up?!

[Kmward36]

I’ve been best friends with this person for 15 years. Long before we had children (and when we lived in separate cities) we always caught up once month, went on about 10 holidays/ city breaks a year and spoke daily.

we both now have young children ( I have DD 4 and DD 2, she has DS4). I work full time and she works part time. We both have husbands. I live in the same village as my parents (husbands parents live 5 hours away). She lives in the same home as parents in law, her parents live in the next village. All happy to babysit.

we meet every half term etc with the kids (soft play etc), sometimes on a weekend. Always with the kids, which is lovely but I’ve told her it would be nice to meet up at least twice a year without them. She has said she’d love to but says it’s impossible with kids. I just think this is not true. I meet up with friends ( as does my husband) in couples or separately and we either have the kids for the night whilst the other goes out or grandparents if we go out together.

she claims she can’t fit it in. She finishes work at 3pm, Monday to Wednesday. I work 7-7 Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

ive offered Fridays as we’re both off and I’d arrange childcare for my youngest, coffee or dinner after work, a coffee and a walk in the evening, drinks at the weekend, activities such as wreath making etc. a proper variety. 4 years later and she hasn’t agreed to one. Not even for birthdays. She’s adamant she wants to meet up but just can’t think of a suitable way!

Is this ridiculous or is this reasonable for others? I’m just fed up of it.

You went on 10 holidays a year together?! Wow (misses point completely)

Haha yes. I lived in London at the time and we used to travel on the Eurostar often and we’d get cheap random flights from Heathrow over a weekend. It was great!

Is her husband useless I wonder? Although, rereading, they have a single four year old. Can he not manage that child for an evening?

If she has easy access to family babysitters this must be on purpose. Seems like she’s happy to use you for play dates only or she’s a helicopter parent. You’ve been friends long enough that I’d bring it up next time you see her and try to get to the bottom of it properly

I think you need to accept that, for whatever reason, she doesn’t want to, or isn’t able to, meet you without the children.

If she's adamant, she can meet up on a weekend that you would normally take kids to soft play & her husband can have her son instead. You could have a couple of hours together at least.

Think this is the best you are going to get because I cannot see her wanting to meet in the evening.

Suggest it see what she says.

If she can't even do that then she isn't interested & I would give up asking.

I think you should stop putting pressure on her and let her be.
Life changes when you decide to have kids. Maybe she is not interested in all that fun anymore that you used to have when you were young. This is normal!
I have exact same situation with 2 of my best friends. We live in different countries and haven’t seen each other for 7 years! Although I offered to arrange a get away multiple times this hasn’t happened yet. We all have children now.

My friend does this because every time we try to do it without her children they kick off and she gives in.

it’s been going on for longer than you have been trying with your friend (our children are now in secondary school) and it’s still happening. Sometimes I get the the texts on the morning we’re meant to meet and either she sends me messages to try and persuade me to bring my children too, or to let me know hers are coming even if mine aren’t.

What makes it worse is that my children don’t like hers - and I’ve promised them I won’t force them to meet up anymore.

At the end of every meet up I get the “we should do this just the two of us” and I just inwardly eye roll.

Amazing! I miss those times too haha

I have friends with husbands like that. My friend’s DH can’t do bedtime with a 5 and 8 year old 🤦🏻‍♀️

Could be her husband is useless and doesn’t want the children on his own, and it would be weird to ask GPs to babysit whilst her is there. Maybe she has commitments on her days off work?

Maybe she doesn’t want to do anything childfree at the moment. I know it sounds odd but there are some people who just don’t want to.

She may well get past this phase in a few years. I’d just go on with the meet ups with kids for now and not suggest anything childfree til she does. Assuming you want to keep in touch!

All happy to babysit.

Are you sure? It just doesn't seem that's likely to be the case.

I could meet you because DH is good with DS and would have no qualms about having him, but plenty of my NCT friends' husbands just wouldn't. A few of them could never make group meets, because their husbands either wouldn't agree, or would always have come home with an awful headache/having had an awful day so they'd be late, and then eventually pull out of coming.

Perhaps if she lives with her in-laws, they feel they do enough with the kids?

I mean, there's two real options. It's either that she doesn't want to meet childfree; or she genuinely can't.

People are different. She might not want to leave her child, she may not want to spend the money on this stuff and prefer to save it to do things with her child? What she enjoys might have changed?

you want to meet up child free, she doesn’t. If you don’t want to meet her with kids this might be a phase of life where you don’t see her.

As PP’s have said, I’d give up suggesting childfree meetups, because if she can’t arrange childcare for a four-year-old, despite having so much local support, it’s not going to happen. Perhaps she’s not comfortable leaving them, but doesn’t want to admit it?

I’m part of a group of uni friends (we’re 50 so very old friendships now!) and we have the same issue with one friend who never makes our meetups. Her youngest child is now 10, her DH is lovely and v. involved, but somehow she still can’t manage it.

Just leave it, OP. If she ever decides that she wants a childfree meetup, she can suggest it!

Thanks everyone, her husband isn’t the best and doesn’t do much with her son, so that’s probably a big factor..

I think it’s time for us to part ways as we clearly want different things. I’ll keep in touch with her but let her arrange our days out with the children and let her sort them out!

@Kmward36 Wise decision!

Is her DS tricky? Could it be she doesn’t think other people can manage him? Or is it an attachment/anxious thing on her side.

or she just doesn’t want to ☹️

Maybe her dh has issues with you /her playing at being carefree?

Although you say her PIL and parents are happy to babysit does she have them babysit for other things?

If she's a long term friend that used to do a lot I'd be trying to get to the bottom of why it's not possible for her.

With a friend of mine how isolated she became at her husbands behest after their child was born was our first "wait a minute" clue at the abuse that had started in their relationship (it's very common for abuse to begin, or escalate, in pregnancy or shortly after).

She has issues with me meeting up with my other friends but it’s not something I’m happy to stop doing. She gets upset every time I meet up with others but I’ve offered to meet up with her. Feels like a no win situation sometimes.

im unsure what her issue is to be honest but the more I think about it I don’t think her husband does much with DS

Ill see what she says (or if she notices 😂) that I’ve taken a step back

OP you don't know what is going on in her life. There may be all kinds of family pressures or dynamics that makes it hard for her to leave the children with someone else for long - dynamics she doesn't want to share.

I'd suggest you just accept this is what it is, and meet her when you can with children.

YANBU OP, some people seem to think they aren’t allowed to have a couple of hours child free time to catch up with friends. She chose to have kids with the man but can’t let him watch his 4 year old son for a couple of hours? Bonkers! Twice is year isn’t asking much at all. It lovely meeting with the kids but let’s be honest, you never get a conversation finished!

I have a ‘best friend” who I rarely see as she has kids (8 and 12 so not toddlers!) and will only meet if her DH can come so I don’t bother anymore as it changes the dynamics. Another friend has 3 kids, youngest is 11 oldest is 16 so not young kids! (And no SEN) and she reminds me a a stepford wife where her DH is the hunter gatherer and she’s the homemaker who can’t possibly except him to watch HIS kids whilst she meets the girls for a meal and drinks.

Thankfully I have other friends who love a nice meal/drinks catch up. It’s a shame the other two aren’t available because they can’t or won’t or whatever but imo that’s their loss.

If she lives with her in-laws perhaps she gets a lot of flak for going out and leaving the child at home , who knows . Personally having a child free meet up never bothered me , I could chat whilst my kids played or ate .

For whatever reason, she clearly doesn't want to or can't leave her child. Her DH sounds useless and maybe her in laws and parents will only babysit if she goes out with him. In fact, the living with in laws bit could be a factor. She's under their scrutiny and they might judge or disapprove of her "gallavanting" with friends.. Alternatively maybe her child has issues you aren't aware of.

I guess only she can change her situation. I remember my friend years ago yes could do early drink as had to bedtime. Youngest around 8/9 then I was thinking can dad not sort it! They older now but its hard work arranging anything!