Is it wrong to expect a child free catch up?!

[Kmward36]

I’ve been best friends with this person for 15 years. Long before we had children (and when we lived in separate cities) we always caught up once month, went on about 10 holidays/ city breaks a year and spoke daily.

we both now have young children ( I have DD 4 and DD 2, she has DS4). I work full time and she works part time. We both have husbands. I live in the same village as my parents (husbands parents live 5 hours away). She lives in the same home as parents in law, her parents live in the next village. All happy to babysit.

we meet every half term etc with the kids (soft play etc), sometimes on a weekend. Always with the kids, which is lovely but I’ve told her it would be nice to meet up at least twice a year without them. She has said she’d love to but says it’s impossible with kids. I just think this is not true. I meet up with friends ( as does my husband) in couples or separately and we either have the kids for the night whilst the other goes out or grandparents if we go out together.

she claims she can’t fit it in. She finishes work at 3pm, Monday to Wednesday. I work 7-7 Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

ive offered Fridays as we’re both off and I’d arrange childcare for my youngest, coffee or dinner after work, a coffee and a walk in the evening, drinks at the weekend, activities such as wreath making etc. a proper variety. 4 years later and she hasn’t agreed to one. Not even for birthdays. She’s adamant she wants to meet up but just can’t think of a suitable way!

Is this ridiculous or is this reasonable for others? I’m just fed up of it.

Accept it's not going to happen. But I wouldn't take any moaning about how you meet up with other friends. That's up to you. And next time she says how much she'd love to meet without the kids, just say 'let me know when you've sorted out someone to take them for you' secure in the knowledge this won't happen.

Why would meeting up with her friend without their children a couple of times a year be considered carefree? It wasn’t a couple of times a week OP was suggesting……

Yanbu I have a friend who insisted on bringing her kids to everything. Now their older and in school she insists on bringing her dog everywhere. It's so annoying to try and have a conversation and a proper catchup with someone when their constantly distracted

She has issues with me meeting up with my other friends but it’s not something I’m happy to stop doing. She gets upset every time I meet up with others but I’ve offered to meet up with her.

Well that’s clearly out of order!

Step back and wait for her to arrange a childfree meetup. You’ve tried numerous times so now the onus is on her. 🤷

It's sounds to me like her husband doesn't help and maybe in-laws aren't able for her son, her husband may not even like her meeting up with out her son, we never know what goes on behind closed doors, sometimes people paint a rosy picture that is not factual x

Why can't your friend's husband look after their little one? No way would I accept from my husband "I'm not capable." The child is half yours and just as much your responsibility as they are mine; no more, no less!!

I think their is a lot of women who when they have kids lose their confidence and use their kids like a security blanket and struggle to cope in situations without them

@Minadka

do people get sick of having fun? Do women lose the desire to have fun when they have children?

@WaitingForMojo

well if that’s the case then she needs to not save all her money for stuff with her child and spend some money on herself and maintaining her friendships! She matters too!

@Stormyweatheroutthere

how do you mean?

Can you not have fun with your children @LuckySantangelo35 ?

Sorry DF, I need some adult time and you aren’t willing to share that with me, so I am meeting with X and Y this week. Let me know when your kids are at uni/married/pensioners and perhaps we can meet.

There may be more to this eg her husband isn't keen on her going out in the evening or she doesn't really have the money for a proper night out. Whilst I understand you stepping back, do leave the door open in case there's a reason and she is brace enough to turn to you. She may not be comfortable admitting her husband is controlling

Yeah I’d ignore all that about her trying to control who else you meet with!

From what little you know , OP , her husband isn't very good with his DC , and maybe makes things awkward for her .

I wouldn't stop seeing her if this could be her reason , as it may be the only odd time she gets to see a friend .

Personally I would LOVE to have fun now… more than ever! Since having little one 3 years ago I really struggled with the fact that I lost my freedom. Before I had my son I used to travel a lot, I was going out every weekend etc. Everyone I know has children now and they don’t want to go out anymore. Play dates, lunches out, yes. But always with kids.

It took me a while to accept the fact that maybe they are not those bubble fun driven people anymore like they used to be. I still would like to go out sometimes. They don’t.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to do that. It is unreasonable to expect it though.
Could you suggest meeting at one of your homes when DC are in bed? Maybe even having a sleep over so she isn't leaving child but you also have time without them.

I’m absolutely fine with accepting the she may not want the same things as me. Obviously I would be upset but I get it. I just don’t want a lecture when I go out with other friends (child free) instead kf her. It’s really hard to listen to when I keep offering suggestions for us .

I hadn’t thought of a sleepover - I’ll suggest it as some point - thanks!

@Floralnomad

people can have fun with their kids and have fun without their kids. It’s about balance. And maintaining friendships is very important - one day the kids will be all grown up and could be very lonely and friendless

@Kmward36

what does she actually say when you go out with other friends Op?

My kids are grown up , I’m neither lonely or friendless . Perhaps I just have nicer friends .

As an example I’ve booked to spend the night in Bath for the Christmas market (with the girls I graduated with).

I told her in passing last week over the phone and I got a reply about how disappointed she was as we used to do the Christmas markets together and she’d love to visit the markets again. I then get a lecturer about how I’m forgetting her.

I suggested we go to another market ( a local one that can be a day trip or an overnight stay slightly further away) and she says lovely, can the kids come? I said they’d hate a market (mine would) so suggested the stay at home and she says maybe next year 🤷🏻‍♀️ but would I cancel my trip until the following year too. I explained I was really looking forward to it and we’d already paid. She was ok with it but was upset for the rest of the call.

You do understand. They don’t. But they are allowed to make their choice.

My SIL used to be full of fun, going out often, traveling etc. One day she decided it’s time to have children but she had to go through 3 miscarriages before she gave birth to her oldest one. She was absolutely obsessed with her daughter, she would never leave her with anyone even for a few hours. Now her oldest one is 6, her youngest one is 3 and SIL doesn’t work because she wants to be with her children 24/7. All this is a bit much for me as I would never understand this obsession but with all fair honesty she looks very happy in her own little bubble 😌😉
Sometimes people decide to go opposite directions and OP can’t force her friend to have children free time.

Oh, ok, this is quite odd and puts a different complexion on things. It’s her right to decide not to leave her kids but not to tell you whether to leave yours! Or to guilt trip you about doing things without her!

Could you have a conversation about it with her?

Maybe that’s what she wants, and spending time with her dc is for her too?