Father in law diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer - DH response

[AnnieG1986]

My FIL (72y) has recently been diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer. He is awaiting a biopsy and further scan to determine which treatment options (if any) are recommended but at this stage things aren't looking great.

I'm a little taken aback by DH (39y) reaction and would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. He's carrying on with life like nothing has changed - doesn't want to visit his parents (2h journey), hasn't reached out to his mum or his brother since diagnosis, hasn't visited websites offering information like CRUK etc. I have been wondering whether he is scared to confront the situation and burying his feelings but I know him and his reactions very well and he genuinely doesn't seem to be concerned. I am trying to tread very carefully and gently and not overstep the mark when suggesting we think about how we might offer practical help if FIL needs to attend chemo sessions (MIL doesn't drive and they are not near the hospital) but he dismisses it as 'fussing'. I am the one checking in gently on MIL and brother in law. DH relationship with parents in normal times is fine, not extremely close but equally perfectly OK.

Leave him be. He's processing the information in his own way. We all do this differently and there isn't a right way.

He might not be emotional about it but he could at least offer practical help.

Cancer is a big thing and people can react differently to how they would normally
He might be in denial. He might not have fully accepted it. He might hope that ignoring it will make it go away.

Give him chance

Unless there's a massive back story in which DH has for years had a dreadful relationship with his father, it's very likely he's currently in the denial stage.

It's a lot for him to process. Leave him be for now, but do make sure MIL gets enough practical support as it will be hardest on her (we've been through this on both sides, and in both cases it was the mums who needed the most from us).

There's not a huge amount to do just now, it's when all is confirmed and treatment plans are made that it gets busy.

Sounds like he’s in shock and denial. My DH is a head in the sand type of guy and would never look into CR information your DH sounds the same.
He probably needs some time to get his head around the news and once you have further news on treatment options and prognosis etc your DH will step up. There’s not much he can do at the moment until you know what’s going to happen next. Don’t push him, let him come to terms with it.

Does he fully understand what stage 4 means? Perhaps he's thinking that the results will come back and there will be a possible treatment plan that will mean things can continue as normal for a while?

I would leave him be. Often the feelings are so overwhelming that it’s easier to take one day at a time and keep busy and gradually process things in the background.

As far as cancer treatment- your FIL should qualify for patient hospital transport provided for by the NHS. His GP will give him the contact info once his cancer diagnosis is uploaded and the GP meets him for a cancer care review.

Btw, not googling etc can be the right thing to do. With one relative I read absolutely everything, it didn't help and actually just made things worse. With later relatives I just read the info on their actual treatment so I was informed. He knows what stage 4 means, reading will just put in writing what he already knows.

He sounds exactly like my mums siblings when gran got ill.
All the work dumped on us until she died. And afterwards.

A cancer diagnosis especially at stage 4 will be a huge shock( my DF was diagnosed like this)
He may need time to process this yet
Everyone is different so I would step back and wait if he needs you

There's no single right way to handle these things.

Also, Google often only shows the worst case scenario and often isn't particularly helpful when it comes to individual cases and what treatment etc. is available.

Thank you, a good reminder. I think perhaps I am concerned because I have seen how he has buried his head in the sand with other problems in the past and not stepped up, but I am hoping this will be different. As you and others have said there is not a huge amount to do until we have a proposed treatment pathway.

He might be in shock and processing it.

He might be very practical and knows there is nothing for him to do right now.

He might be like one of my dad's brothers when their dad/my grandpa got ill and just be a bit sad but ultimately indifferent and useless.

If he has buried his head and not stepped up previously, then it is very likely he is doing it again. I think that you can assume that is what will happen and then if he does step up, be surprised by that than the opposite. Are there other siblings to help your in laws in your husband refuses to make any effort?

If he's buried his head in the sand before then that means it's very likely this time.

How often do you visit them? Could you try nudge him into a visit before FIL starts any treatment? My parents are a similar distance away and once my dad started treatment (different cancer) he wasn't well enough for us to visit so we didn't really see them (complicated by covid and a newborn, but still). Getting together while he's well would be a good distraction for PIL and allow you both to get a proper chat with MIL.

This was my thought too

It doesn't bode well for if you get sick or needy one day op. How does he manage then, will he support you? Do you have kids? What was he like during your pregnancy/postpartum if so? If you don't have kids then hold this in mind and make sure he's understanding of how supporting he will need to be before you agree to have them!

I've had cancer for over a year, but I've never looked at Cancer Research or googled what I have. Am I doing ut wrong? People react and deal with things in different ways. Let him do him.

I’ve had cancer, like many reading here I’m sure, and until a treatment plan is devised and kicks off there is little your husband can do.
Personally speaking it was more draining for me offering reassurance to one and all in the run up to getting started than undergoing treatment.
Once a plan is in place, then encourage your DH to step up with practical help.

I was shocked in exactly the same way when my late MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer. At the time we lived about an hour away by train (at the time we didn't have a car) and I thought ex H (early 40s then) would want to spend as much time as possible with his mother before she died, especially as he is an only child.

But he didn't. He never offered to drive/accompany her to any chemo appointments, never gave any sort of practical help - his father was still alive then, so I think he must have assumed that would all be down to his father. Didn't visit her any more than usual, even though I made it clear that I wouldn't mind giving up one of our 2 days off together to do so. As someone who at that point in time was no contact with one parent (still am) and very low contact with the other (parents divorced when I was 21), I didn't really feel like I had any firm foundation to say anything much about it to him though.

15 years on and I still feel sad when I think about it. He had a great childhood, his parents really put him first, and I still don't understand why he acted the way he did.

Your husband may be in denial, but he may not. His attitude may not change and that's something you might need to start getting your head around. At the end of the day, it's up to him.

I would reach out to your MIL and see if there is anything you can do for either of them. They're likely to be very scared and very shocked.

And just start to prepare yourself that your DH may not step up to the plate here, if he has buried his head in the sand in the past.

Some people only want the relationship with others they have always had. Particularly when it's parent/child. The want to stay in the child role forever and can't cope with parents growing weak and having needs. For these people the diagnosis itself can represent the end. Because its the end of the relationship they know and they don't want the new one. As your DH is not good at stepping up in tough times, he is likely to be this type. If it were me, after a suitable time for him to process it, I'd be having a conversation about whether he feels he should be doing something differently.
You sound great BTW. His parents are very fortunate in their DiL.

Had the same but it was my dad who actually had bowel cancer. And my dad who just carried on as normal. Appeared completely unconcerned. It was incredible to watch. In my dad's case it was years of self control that swung into play and that's just his nature too Wouldn't take anyone to his appointments, " absolutely no need dear" didn't share any information " no need to discuss" wasn't overly taken by being visited in hospital although we had the advantage there as he was the one in the PJ's. Out of hospital, two days later doing the garden. He made a complete recovery OP and I hope your FIL does too. People approach things in very different ways and denial is one tactic that people can find useful. He may well be just getting used to the idea and he may just be stoical by nature c

If that is how he has dealt with problems in the past then that is most likely what he will do here too.