Father in law diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer - DH response

[AnnieG1986]

My FIL (72y) has recently been diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer. He is awaiting a biopsy and further scan to determine which treatment options (if any) are recommended but at this stage things aren't looking great.

I'm a little taken aback by DH (39y) reaction and would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. He's carrying on with life like nothing has changed - doesn't want to visit his parents (2h journey), hasn't reached out to his mum or his brother since diagnosis, hasn't visited websites offering information like CRUK etc. I have been wondering whether he is scared to confront the situation and burying his feelings but I know him and his reactions very well and he genuinely doesn't seem to be concerned. I am trying to tread very carefully and gently and not overstep the mark when suggesting we think about how we might offer practical help if FIL needs to attend chemo sessions (MIL doesn't drive and they are not near the hospital) but he dismisses it as 'fussing'. I am the one checking in gently on MIL and brother in law. DH relationship with parents in normal times is fine, not extremely close but equally perfectly OK.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

It can be a useful way of your mind letting you adjust slowly to a certain situation.

Leave your husband be for now. It's early days. (I spent years going through cancer with both my parents.)

The last thing you want when undergoing cancer treatment, is hospital transport that picks you up say 6am and drops you back at 7pm (when your treatment lasts an hou)r. It's stressful enough without that.

A friend of mine was picked up at 5am to go to a hospital one hour away. But the journey took 5 hours as the transport picked up more patients living at the four different extreme points of the trust's area, and then got stuck in traffic. She actually missed her appointment, which had to be rebooked. If I'd heard this second hand, I wouldn't have believed it.

The last thing I'd ever do is leave a stage 4 cancer sufferer to hospital transport.

My dad is currently undertaking investigations for cancer and has been told it’s “probable” and I’m behaving similarly. To be honest, it’s overwhelming for me to consider that my dad will die so I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking or thinking about it. I know the modern way is for outpourings of talk and grief but I am just not like that.

I am messaging daily and ringing and will be there for him, but I fluctuate between sadness at what this will mean for mum, and a feeling that he has had a long and very happy and successful life and the acceptance that we can’t all go on forever, much as that would be nice.

It might seem cold to others but for my own sake I have to kind of parcel it up so it’s not on my mind the whole time.

We do all deal with things differently, my mum had throat cancer years ago and I had a baby. I saw her before her operation and called her after and while recovering. She felt I wasn't around but I couldn't face going. She was safe with my nan, I had an excuse my child and I knew my mum was going to be fine. Now I would be there, I'm older and wiser now.

When my DM had cancer the transport was terrible, she was picked up very early in the morning driven all round the place picking people up and the same on the return, it was a full day early morning to late evening for a half hour appointment, she was exhausted and in pain by the time she got home. I never let her use it again.

There isn't a lot that can be done at the moment. It seems you can him too have a reaction when one isn't really needed at the moment. Even if he doesn't start flapping about transport or whatever, it's up to him. You can't make someone react as you want them to do leave him be. It may be that he is burying his head in the sand if he may genuinely nog be that affected by it.

**It seems you want him too have a reaction

I know exactly where you are coming from.
My husbands mum passed away in July of this year and I am still waiting for the reaction to it. I thought we might have had emotion at the funeral, but nothing.

He seems exactly the same as before she died. She had been ill with cancer for over a year, so maybe he had processed it all by now, however I still don't think he reacted to the news she had cancer at the time.

We all react differently and I would just keep doing what you are doing x

I agree with pp that it’s not acceptable to let DH bury his head in the sand in denial. People only get to die once, and a “good” death, ie without pain, with family support is very important. The time for your husband to help out and provide support is now. He needs to get his act together and show up for his parents when they now need him.

Sometimes there isn’t the option to have a relative take time off work to go to all the appts during cancer treatment. Especially the radiotherapy that is 5 days a week Monday through Friday for a month or more.

Patient transport is an option that is available and how good or bad it is depends on your region.

I think that is an extreme example. Most hospital transport doesn’t involve a 5hr drive.

It's extreme, but hospital transport is dire. My daughter is a ward sister and would never advise anyone to use it. They're are people with early morning appointments sitting around for the rest of the day before they get taken home.

When my late husband was having his chemotherapy, it was incredibly stressful for him. We tried to make the journey as simple and stress-free as we could. Due to the type of chemo he had, he had to be handled very carefully when he left the building, due to the effect of cold. It was drummed into us on every visit. The thought of him waiting for hours in a waiting room, at his most vulnerable, then met by a driver who had no investment in making sure that his transition outside was managed safely, is quite upsetting.

Agree that hospital transport is not ideal and they pick up multiple patients sometimes. And can be hours of delays.

In my small town, we have an organisation whose volunteers will drive people to hospital appointments. There's also one where my aunt lives, which she relies on now that she can't drive and none of us live near enough to help. They're is a small charge for the volunteer's petrol, but that is all.

I'd advise anyone with a family member who can't be supported by family or friends, to find out if it's offered in their area.

@saraclara
So you’ve never actually used the NHS patient transport? Your judgement of all of it is based on one friend’s one bad experience? And hearsay from your daughter who has also never used it?

I use hospital transport. While I understand there is a bit of a postcode lottery, so in some areas it may be as you say, my point is that you are making too much of a sweeping generalisation. It is worth the OP considering it as an option because it isn’t bad everywhere.

I’ve never experienced the sort of 5 hour journeys to go a half hour to hospital that your friend has reported.

Yes sometimes there is a ride share with me plus another patient but our appointments are usually at the same time or within 15mins of each other, so no one is waiting ages for an appointment. In fact, usually I arrive on the dot or a bit late but because it’s hospital transport they see me straight away.

In addition, the drivers can drive straight to the entrance of whichever unit you are going to and park out there as they have permits so there is no loooooong walk through the wards, the corridors, out the main entrance and then to the car parking decks outside in the rain and cold.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice I'm glad you have a good experience. I imagine that there's a huge variation between trusts. I hope there are more like yours than mine, my friend's and my elderly aunt's.

As for my daughter, when she worked on the day surgery ward (no patients in overnight) she lost track of how often she had to stay an hour or two after the end of her 13 hour shift, because the transport hadn't yet picked up the last patient.

@saraclara Yes I agree and I take your point that it can be awful in some places.

My grandma used hospital transport sometimes when she was having radiotherapy and she said it was great. The driver was chatty and friendly and there would often be other people there to chat with too. She never had to hang around. She was at a fairly small hospital in Sussex though so maybe there were just fewer people using it.
My parents’ neighbour had to have radiotherapy at a hospital a long way (an hour or so) from their small village and the transport wasn’t ideal so basically someone in the village organised a roster of volunteers to take her down there, so they might do once every 10 days. My Dad helped out and would take her down in his Porsche and she said it was “almost worth having this treatment to feel the wind on my head (she lost her hair) on a sunny day” and he always felt really pleased to be able to help out.