Father in law diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer - DH response

[AnnieG1986]

My FIL (72y) has recently been diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer. He is awaiting a biopsy and further scan to determine which treatment options (if any) are recommended but at this stage things aren't looking great.

I'm a little taken aback by DH (39y) reaction and would appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. He's carrying on with life like nothing has changed - doesn't want to visit his parents (2h journey), hasn't reached out to his mum or his brother since diagnosis, hasn't visited websites offering information like CRUK etc. I have been wondering whether he is scared to confront the situation and burying his feelings but I know him and his reactions very well and he genuinely doesn't seem to be concerned. I am trying to tread very carefully and gently and not overstep the mark when suggesting we think about how we might offer practical help if FIL needs to attend chemo sessions (MIL doesn't drive and they are not near the hospital) but he dismisses it as 'fussing'. I am the one checking in gently on MIL and brother in law. DH relationship with parents in normal times is fine, not extremely close but equally perfectly OK.

We all process loss and the prospect of loss differently. Let him be. 🙂

My fil has dementia, and my husband was in denial for about 2 years.

All the very best to your fil, by the way. 💐

Btw OP, it's one thing to leave him to cope with his own reaction as he chooses, but assuming his parents have been normal, loving parents I would be doing my best to make sure he steps up to help them as necessary.

Speaking about it now as a fact may help. Just saying in passing not to worry, you know your weekends will change when he's away helping them out, or maybe you shouldn't book a holiday until you know when he'll be needed for treatment runs etc. Just fully and breezily take it for granted he'll be doing the needful and hoping the message sinks in.

Exactly.
And most likely.

Not looking at CRUK is probably a good idea.

Especially for bowel cancer which can still be treated curatively at Stage 4.

The most important info will come when FIL has his treatment plan which will be specific to his situation.

Excellent response.

I would talk to him about needing to make more of an effort. A phone call, going with to an appt, in whatever. You can "process" and still show a bit of concern.

He may not step up. Some people can't and/or don't cope and that's his right.

I'd be hoping for the best and planning for the worst with both what happens to your Fil and how you can help your Pil and also your DH's reaction.

I'm currently choosing not to judge my Bil saying seeing his mum is a waste of his time, so it could be worse.

I have seen how he has buried his head in the sand with other problems in the past and not stepped up

Then most likely that’s how he’ll be again.

What’s your in-laws support system like, closer to home? From 2 hours away your DH isn’t going to be driving anyone to all hospital appointments anyway, so focus on more practical plans and support your MIL
and BIL in organising things if they need you.

It’s all very well saying ‘leave him be’ and ‘he’s entitled to deal with the news how he wishes’, BUT what’s he like when YOU’RE ILL?

Sadly, too many women allow their selfish menfolk to duck out of responsibility for dealing with the difficult things in life and end up shouldering the burden largely by themselves.

If you’re quite young yourself, you probably haven’t noticed how many older women who get seriously sick end up relying on their friends and family to care for them, take them to hospital appts. etc. Whilst their husbands carry on their lives as if nothing’s changed.

I agree with giving him a bit of time to process the news, but don’t let him off with doing nothing and ignoring the situation as it progresses.

Make him step up!!!

If you don’t, you might end up being another woman who has to hope that a good friend, neighbour or relative is around to rely on when you get seriously ill and need support.

I’m an older woman and I’ve been one of those who has helped out friends with trips to the hospital 2 hrs away etc. whilst the husband wants to know who’s making his dinner tonight? It’s bloody heartbreaking.

YANBU - but, big but, it seems that your DH hasn't processed this situation yet. I think you need to be patient with DH awhile.

I am not sure about this. I think I disagree with most posters. I think if he's not giving his parents practical help or support in their time of need, that's selfish and unkind actually. It may be easier for him to ignore what's happening but it's a cop out, unless it's a short term thing. Shouldn't he be ringing them and at least asking what can I do at this time.

Leave him, don't upset him by criticising him. I didn't she'd a tear when my father died, I wanted to but I couldn't. I think about him most days and I miss him very much. At the time my thoughts were about his care and how it would pan out, i was very worried. I never spoke to anybody about it. Just leave him be.

I didn't care when my dad died, I was actually happy (bad man). People were baffled.
You haven't mentioned if they have a good relationship?

Either way, you can't force him. Just do what feels appropriate from your side and let him process... Although possibly be prepared for a fallout later. I had a breakdown about 6 months after my father died.

Hi op,

let him decide but make sure that when it is needed he knows that it is now or never.
people do prepare to grieve differently...head in the sand is one of them.

Good luck 🌺

Maybe you need to sit him down and explain what stage 4 cancer means - or -he knows and is in denial. Either way, he needs to step up and not leave the visits/ calls to you.

Are you or his family ‘worst case scenario’ thinkers? My family are, and I have learned that the only way I (and they) can stay sane is if I counteract their anxiety by carrying on just as normal. If I started to get upset as well everything would descend into chaos. Could he have developed that sort of response mechanism?

100 % this.

If it's early days and there's no treatment plan yet I wd be inclined to wait. If being sufficient unto the day is his coping mechanism that's fine. If he and his parents don't do touchy feely stuff so calling to talk would be uncomfortable maybe that's fine on both sides. My own DH CD not possibly talk about emotional stuff with his parents although it's fine if I do.

However, when there is a treatment plan if they need practical support I think you have to be clear he steps up. Otherwise the responsibility will fall on you or his siblings and that's not fair. But it may be he copes fine when there's something that actually needs doing.

I really wish your FiL the best. I know one person having chemo ATM after successful surgery on stage 4 bowel cancer and another who survived it well over five years ago so is into full remission territory. The treatment is tough and nerve wracking at times, especially waiting for scan results so however this goes he will need people on his team.

When the day comes that he's grieving (which will hopefully be a long way away) leave him be. Let him process it however he needs to. People grieve in different ways. Everyone has to find their own path through it

Now, however, isn't about him. It's about his father. He needs to get his head out of his arse and step up.

I say this as someone who has been through it twice and knows how hard it is.

Just to add your FIL will be eligible for some sort of patient transport service given age and diagnosis. Don't stress about that part as they live quite a way away.

Where I live patient transport is woeful.

Patients have to wait ages to be collected from treatment etc

I’m responding as someone who has had bowel cancer myself (not stage 4). Honestly I see as many red flags in your response as in your DH’s. Assuming there may be no treatment options, talking about things not looking good, wanting him to be on dr google before you even know the full situation? None of these are helpful. You need to take a breath and wait. Your PIL first need time to process, then your DH. There’s no benefit in flapping around and doom mongering from day 1. That is how my mother behaves and it’s the reason I had very little contact with her for the whole of my treatment. When the situation becomes clearer, then you can make some plans. You may find your DH will click into gear then too, when practical things need to happen.