Paying for holiday

NuffSaidSam · 02/11/2024 00:52

I would expect them to at least pay half, but probably more as you're hosting them.

Next time just say "do you want to get this one as we paid last time?".

PenguinLove1 · 02/11/2024 00:58

Stop giving the option, i would just prepare to cook dinner and if they say they want to go out say thanks thats lovely of you to want to treat us this time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/11/2024 01:04

"each time my wife asked would you like to stay home and she would cook or go out and they want to go out"

"Sounds lovely, the next three are on you as we got the last three" and <pause> DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ELSE.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 02/11/2024 01:04

Stop giving them the option. They've established their cheeky fuckery three times now. They've set the precedent and they're not suddenly going to start offering to pay. If they suggest going out, simply tell them you won't be paying for any more meals after covering the last three. Either they get the hint and offer to treat you or you eat whatever you have in. And if they decide to go out themselves, I'd never be inviting them back. I'd be borderline on that by now anyway.

Starzinsky · 02/11/2024 01:52

Usually when splitting the bill you tell the other party what they owe you or tell the waiting staff how much to charge on your card and theirs. Rude of them not to step forward and offer to pay their share though.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/11/2024 02:02

It is a bit harder since you have 3 children and they have none they shouldn’t pay for 5 people to their two but they should be at least paying for themselves or paying for every third meal.

Suggest to your wife tonight she says we are staying home for dinner tonight- no option of going out.

If you do decide to go out either before you leave the house say we will just pay for our family of five tonight if you pay for you two yeah ok.

What does your wife think of the cf behaviour?

Gatecrashermum · 02/11/2024 02:10

I've honestly seen 2 schools of thought on this - you are my guest, please let me get dinner vs you are my host, I insist I get you dinner. Maybe your ILs just think if you go and stay with them they'll pick up the tab each time?

Regardless, this is normally only for the first one.

Agree with all suggestions on addressing this. Either don't offer the option to go out, or say it's your turn to pick up the tab before leaving the house.

Btw also reasonable to take them to the supermarket to allow them to buy their own groceries / snacks.

OMGitsnotgood · 02/11/2024 02:16

I would just say 'we've spent our budget for this week, we need to eat at home for the rest of your stay' and see whether they offer to take you out.

I can't imagine staying with someone and not offering to pay for their meals out. Could it possibly be a cultural difference, whereby the expectation is that the hosts do pay for everything? Or maybe they are just taking the wotsit.

Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:23

OMGitsnotgood · 02/11/2024 02:16

I would just say 'we've spent our budget for this week, we need to eat at home for the rest of your stay' and see whether they offer to take you out.

I can't imagine staying with someone and not offering to pay for their meals out. Could it possibly be a cultural difference, whereby the expectation is that the hosts do pay for everything? Or maybe they are just taking the wotsit.

Definitely not a cultural difference as we are all born and bread in the same area with similar backgrounds

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Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:25

Gatecrashermum · 02/11/2024 02:10

I've honestly seen 2 schools of thought on this - you are my guest, please let me get dinner vs you are my host, I insist I get you dinner. Maybe your ILs just think if you go and stay with them they'll pick up the tab each time?

Regardless, this is normally only for the first one.

Agree with all suggestions on addressing this. Either don't offer the option to go out, or say it's your turn to pick up the tab before leaving the house.

Btw also reasonable to take them to the supermarket to allow them to buy their own groceries / snacks.

Edited

We have gone back home - but wouldn’t stay with them as they don’t have the space - but always paid for ourselves and kids if out and if we go to theirs for dinner or so we bring wine/drinks dessert and sometimes dinner for the kids (as they are fussy)

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Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:28

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/11/2024 02:02

It is a bit harder since you have 3 children and they have none they shouldn’t pay for 5 people to their two but they should be at least paying for themselves or paying for every third meal.

Suggest to your wife tonight she says we are staying home for dinner tonight- no option of going out.

If you do decide to go out either before you leave the house say we will just pay for our family of five tonight if you pay for you two yeah ok.

What does your wife think of the cf behaviour?

I would never expect them to pay our share… just theirs. My wife was the one who brought it up and is quite upset by it all.

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coxesorangepippin · 02/11/2024 02:32

Yeah they're taking the piss.

They are stopping at yours for three weeks (are they contributing to groceries?) then not offering to pay when you go out for food??

Have they brought gifts/wine/stuff for the kids etc??

olympicsrock · 02/11/2024 02:32

Next time the bill arrives play chicken and don’t pick it up

Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:35

coxesorangepippin · 02/11/2024 02:32

Yeah they're taking the piss.

They are stopping at yours for three weeks (are they contributing to groceries?) then not offering to pay when you go out for food??

Have they brought gifts/wine/stuff for the kids etc??

No contribution to groceries - they are staying for a week.
no gifts - they did bring some of the stuff we had left behind as we didn’t have enough luggage space

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Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:36

olympicsrock · 02/11/2024 02:32

Next time the bill arrives play chicken and don’t pick it up

I honestly have considered this 😂 - but feel bad as it’s 5 of us and only 2 of them. They also had alcohol at every single meal so drives the bill up a bit

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SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 02/11/2024 02:37

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:35

No contribution to groceries - they are staying for a week.
no gifts - they did bring some of the stuff we had left behind as we didn’t have enough luggage space

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So they just sit and wait for you to pick up the bill? For how long? Where do they look? Do they say thanks?

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 02:38

Idk I can kind of see how "should I cook or should we eat out?" Can sound like "we are providing the food, which way would you prefer to receive it"

But constantly chosing eat out feels cheeky, unless your wife's cooking is truly awful

Just stop giving them the choice

Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:39

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 02/11/2024 02:37

So they just sit and wait for you to pick up the bill? For how long? Where do they look? Do they say thanks?

Edited

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No thanks so far - not sure where they look but they keep conversation as nothing has happened.

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Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:43

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 02:38

Idk I can kind of see how "should I cook or should we eat out?" Can sound like "we are providing the food, which way would you prefer to receive it"

But constantly chosing eat out feels cheeky, unless your wife's cooking is truly awful

Just stop giving them the choice

😂 my wife is a great cook thankfully! So in your opinion if you went on holiday and stayed at someone’s place for free - asking them what sort of plans they want/have is sort of implying we are paying for the duration of their stay? They have also said they wanted to do specific activities which my wife kindly booked after confirming prices with them sayings ( €100 per person she said in the text message) - is that also implying we are picking up the tab?

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MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 02:52

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:43

😂 my wife is a great cook thankfully! So in your opinion if you went on holiday and stayed at someone’s place for free - asking them what sort of plans they want/have is sort of implying we are paying for the duration of their stay? They have also said they wanted to do specific activities which my wife kindly booked after confirming prices with them sayings ( €100 per person she said in the text message) - is that also implying we are picking up the tab?

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I'm saying I can see how asking the question "do you want us to cook for you or should we go out?" could be taken as the offer of food from you and the choice being given. I don't necessarily agree with it.

Some would see it as the host's "duty" to provide the food during a stay so wouldn't offer to pay because feeding your guests is expected.

Of course it's polite to bring a gift to thank your host, regardless of anything else

Re booking the activities. No, I wouldn't expect that to be included if it's something they wanted to do, especially if you've confirmed the price with them. I'd be clear in communication beforehand though. "Oh you want to visit Local Stately Home? I can book the tickets for you as its easier to book from in country/I have a discount. It will cost £X, please transfer it ASAP. Thanks". If you offered to take them somewhere, it might be a bit hazier on paying but I would still offer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2024 02:53

If you wife told them the cost, the implication is that they pay. Are you going to talk to your bil? They are being incredibly rude. We lived abroad for a decade and had some real cheeky fuckers. They were jealous of our lifestyle and disposable income. When we visited friends, who lived in China at the time, we always took turns to pay for the food. These days we wouldn’t be able to keep up with that tbh. But we would be discussing that and asking to cut our cloth accordingly.

Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:58

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 02:52

I'm saying I can see how asking the question "do you want us to cook for you or should we go out?" could be taken as the offer of food from you and the choice being given. I don't necessarily agree with it.

Some would see it as the host's "duty" to provide the food during a stay so wouldn't offer to pay because feeding your guests is expected.

Of course it's polite to bring a gift to thank your host, regardless of anything else

Re booking the activities. No, I wouldn't expect that to be included if it's something they wanted to do, especially if you've confirmed the price with them. I'd be clear in communication beforehand though. "Oh you want to visit Local Stately Home? I can book the tickets for you as its easier to book from in country/I have a discount. It will cost £X, please transfer it ASAP. Thanks". If you offered to take them somewhere, it might be a bit hazier on paying but I would still offer.

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Thanks for your input - my wife and I were raised in we pay our way “no ifs, no butts, no coconuts” as my daughter likes to say 😂. Have stayed at my MIL and FIL many times (as they emigrated once they retired) for a holiday but never did I “allow” them to pay for us. We also brought in our own groceries. So really taken by surprise by the situation. The thought of someone paying for my meals out when I’m already living in their space, using water, gas & electric would have never crossed my mind as something acceptable.

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MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 03:00

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 02:58

Thanks for your input - my wife and I were raised in we pay our way “no ifs, no butts, no coconuts” as my daughter likes to say 😂. Have stayed at my MIL and FIL many times (as they emigrated once they retired) for a holiday but never did I “allow” them to pay for us. We also brought in our own groceries. So really taken by surprise by the situation. The thought of someone paying for my meals out when I’m already living in their space, using water, gas & electric would have never crossed my mind as something acceptable.

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Some hosts would be mortally offended by you bringing your own groceries as it implied you didn't feel they would feed you enough. They invited you to stay and that includes all the expenses like food, water, electricity being part of the hosting.

Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:01

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2024 02:53

If you wife told them the cost, the implication is that they pay. Are you going to talk to your bil? They are being incredibly rude. We lived abroad for a decade and had some real cheeky fuckers. They were jealous of our lifestyle and disposable income. When we visited friends, who lived in China at the time, we always took turns to pay for the food. These days we wouldn’t be able to keep up with that tbh. But we would be discussing that and asking to cut our cloth accordingly.

I’m sorry that was your experience - your disposable income is your own to spend on what you see fit. My wife feels she is the one that needs to have that conversation as it’s her brother.

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Original poster

Ph3 · 02/11/2024 03:03

MartinCrieffsLemon · 02/11/2024 03:00

Some hosts would be mortally offended by you bringing your own groceries as it implied you didn't feel they would feed you enough. They invited you to stay and that includes all the expenses like food, water, electricity being part of the hosting.

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My in laws were not offended at all.

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