Paying for holiday

[Ph3]

I’m going to try to keep this short. I have recently moved abroad and my wife’s brother and wife have come to holiday and stay with us for a week. We have 3 kids and they don’t have any. We have been out for 3 meals so far - each time my wife asked would you like to stay home and she would cook or go out and they want to go out. Each time the bill comes and they don’t make a move to pay and let me pay the bill. Is this normal? I was expecting them to pay what they consume…

The ‘rules’ are based on family tradition, but as your wife is upset, your BIL seems to have invented one!

Personally, I would only think it normal for you to pay if you were very well off and the other side wasn’t. In my family, the rule is the higher earners take it in turns to pay.

Sounds like BIL might just be a CFer though…

You've paid for 6 adult meals and booze so why don't you think they should pay next time. They really should!
We recently stayed with friends for 3 nights, took wine, flowers. Cooked in twice and went out once, we paid the bill. Least we could do.

Just a slightly different perspective to most I've seen here... I have a good friend who lives across the country - when she comes up to visit me, I see it that she has paid a couple hundred quid on a plane ticket plus the inconvenience of travelling (normally using some annual leave from work to allow it) so we can spend time together. I therefore treat her to meals and activities and this feels like a fair way of distributing the cost/effort of the weekend together.

There's obviously a sensible limit here - we might go out for a dinner plus a casual lunch/coffee and a low-to-medium budget activity. She is always very respectful and offers to pay which I refuse but appreciate, and doesn't take the p* by ordering anything excessive beyond what I'm having. We've never explicitly discussed the arrangement but there's absolutely a mutual understanding. If we do anything more expensive, she is more insistent on paying and I accept.

I'm not necessarily saying this is completely comparable to OP's situation - there's absolutely a level of CFery going on there regardless of how you look at it - but could the guests have in their minds that the meals are somewhat of a justified reciprocation, if they have paid to go spend time with OP and it's not somewhere they would otherwise normally go?

Sorry, but you sound like complete doormats.

When the bill came for the FIRST meal out you should have asked them for their share.

I would have expected them to treat you to at least one meal since you are hosting them.
Then allowing you and/or expecting you to pay 3 times is unreasonable.

I wouldn't make a deal of it but I wouldn't be going out for any more meals either.

And in future if you are ever eating out with them again when the bill arrives say "shall we split the bill"

After the first meal out, if they had suggested going out again, I would have said something on the lines of 'Eating out regularly is expensive and only something we do occasionally. We're cooking tonight, and you're welcome to have dinner with us, but if you want to eat out instead, that's fine, we can spend some more time together tomorrow'.

And whilst I understand this - they have really come for the holiday not to see us as we travel back to the uk regularly and going again at Christmas time. Where we are somewhere where it is hot and crystal clear beaches and still hot but quite expensive. So really they actually saved money because they got to experience it without the huge price tag that a holiday like this generally entails.

It might sound like that to you - although you don’t really know us do you? Or the dynamics of our families - so you’re really judging us from one interaction. You sound unkind. See what I mean? 😊

Not sure what CF means… so can’t comment. We are more well off than them yes that’s true - but we haven’t always been (we worked for this) and only did things we could afford - never expected anyone else that earn more to pay

CF = Cheeky Duck, but starting with an F 🤪

Sorry but they are cheeky fuckers. My brother lives 3 hours away so sometimes we go stay with him. He has 3 kids we have 3 kids. We don't go out for dinner but we take turns cooking and I will always go and pick up groceries while I am there and bring wine or treats