Paying for holiday

[Ph3]

I’m going to try to keep this short. I have recently moved abroad and my wife’s brother and wife have come to holiday and stay with us for a week. We have 3 kids and they don’t have any. We have been out for 3 meals so far - each time my wife asked would you like to stay home and she would cook or go out and they want to go out. Each time the bill comes and they don’t make a move to pay and let me pay the bill. Is this normal? I was expecting them to pay what they consume…

I'm not saying they were (although they might have been but too polite to say anything) just pointing out the different ways people can view hosting

good to see other perspectives - but don’t think in this specific circumstance that was the case my wife and her mother are very close and my mil - is very open with her so she would have been honest - she’s honest with everything else - don’t think she would stop there

Maybe they thought as you suggested the meal out, and are hosting, that you were also offering g to oay.

Don’t give the option and cook at home.

Stop paying. Simple.
If you go out pay for yourself.

Surely you just say ‘we will put x in and you can put the rest in’

Maybe - will see if they pay for the activities or if we have to force it.

They are cheeky . I would never dream of leeching off family or anyone like that. Stop paying . If your wife has to cook and feed them the rest of the week so be it , but I don’t think I’d like to have them over again .

Can? yes - comfortable to is a different story.

Good advice - I think that’s where I am at

All this 'maybe they assumed you were offering to pay because you asked if they wanted to stay in or go out' is really not taking into account they turned up with nothing. Who goes to stay with someone for a week without taking gifts? Drinks, stuff you can't get - a few sweets for the kids. They are are duck arse squeaky tight. Your wife needs to make it clear that it's home cooked meals they are welcome to join as you won't be buying a anymore dinners out.

Out of curiosity - did they pay your wife back for the activity?

If you and your wife are uncomfortable addressing this with them get your forthright MiL to talk to her freeloading son!

Thanks for your response. In the end I sent an angry email to a complete leech telling her we’d spent thousands entertaining her when she and her bf would just drop in on us etc always empty handed and she paid us back by disrespecting our home. It would have been a bitter pill to swallow. But totally true. She was part of dh’s friendship group in the Uk but had coincidentally moved an hours drive away from one of the places we lived for a few years. As a result, the whole group rounded on me and that was that. No great loss really as they weren’t a respectful bunch at all.

Does your wife have time to rehearse and plan what she will say to her brother? I would be tempted to down tools and suggest you’re all tired snd suggest a takeaway that they pay for. If they refuse, I would just sort yourselves out and leave them to it. IE Match the same level of care they’re showing your family.

At breakfast tomorrow, or whenever you're all sitting down together (so they can't easily move away) just casually say " we need to sort money out today, as I've paid all the restaurant bills so far, as it just seemed easier do that and sort it between us at home.I'm running low on money now til I get paid next, and I've worked out your share so far is £x amount. It'd be great if you could transfer the money before we go out today as I've got a large direct debit due to leave my bank today. if you get your banking app up, I'll give you my bank details" And hold your phone in your hand til the payment shows on your app, to 'check it's gone through'....
Don't forget to add on the cost of the tickets your wife paid for!

They are being incredibly rude. I would never invite them again.

If they suggest visiting - say you can recommend local B&B's hotels in the area.

This is very odd, when I stayed with some friends last year, they paid for a takeaway the night we arrived from the airport, we treated them to a really big dinner with posh wine that they tried to pay for, they paid for a brunch out and we split other things. Next time I’d prefer some sort of kitty though, not that it wasn’t fair but because it takes away should we pay for all of it, half of it etc?

How horribly embarrassing. They are taking Would you like to go out as an offer to pay. I would stop offering and start cooking inexpensive meals at home. If they suggest going out say Oh thank you that’s very kind.

Bill arrives
It's £X
Our comes to £Y with the kids meals
Yours comes to £Z
I really don't get why this is so hard

Indeed. When we host friends or family, we mostly eat in (we meal plan for the stay and cook nicer meals than we'd have if itvwere just us two) and in all cases, the guests have stated they want to take gs out for dinner on one of the nights they are with us. If we book daytime activities, we pay as the hosts - but the guests usually insist on paying for coffees, snacks etc when we're out.

I'm astonished at regular intervals by the CFs that pp on here endure as house guests!

It’s hard because the visitors have not indicated that they are expecting to share the bill. They think they’re being treated by their hosts. I’ve been in that position and it is very hard to change the expectation without humiliating your guests. Much easier to cook at home from now on.

Nip it in the bud or this will continue for years. My DM is from a different country, with a huge family. They have been visiting her for decades, and most of them don't pay a thing, they expect all activities, travel, meals out paid for and come over in groups of at least 4. When she visits her home country they give her somewhere to stay but as she's not there as a tourist there are no dinners out etc.

She has suggested I take on hosting the younger generation now - no way!

If i was staying in someone's house i would be more likely to pay for their meal than expect them to pay for mine

Even if you are eating in they should be contributing. They are being proper cheeky. Nip it in the bud!

Oh so would I! That’s what is making this tricky for OP, she wasn’t ready for this.

Yep.
They know what they're doing. Of course it isn't normal! Just tell them it's their turn.