Being 'held hostage' by "trans" teenage kids

[TryingToGetOrganised2]

In my day, we were goths and emos.

Nowadays, it's gender expression. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% behind the kids that truly feel they were born in the wrong body, but oh for goodness sake, it's not half the flipping population?!

There are a lot of kids who really have gender dysphoria, who I really feel for and support. However, I'm so fed up of being told I'm a transphobe, because I dare question and gently encourage soemone to unpick where their feelings come from. (Read: my own 17 year old son, who is autistic and doesn't know where he fits in the world)

The main military operation is my 16 year old daughter, who is, on the whole, a wonderful human whom I adore. She's just so far down this road of 'you can be anything you want, sod biology' that anyone who asks a question, is shot down and cut off, for having a (possibly) more rounded, adult perspective. She can't see further than her own underdeveloped frontal lobe, and it's driving me insane.

Of course, I'm presenting, gentle, measured, acceptance mum (which, of course - I truly am, if that's who you truly are!) But I feel like she's pushing my son into a lifestyle because he's questioned who he is. Am I being unreasonable to feel frustrated? Or should I suck it up and encourage my boy to be a girl, even though I don't really think it's what he actually wants?

Please be gentle. I've got 3 kids with autism and adhd, amd, having both myself, it's the blind leading the blind. I'm exhausted and just need a bit of support in either direction.

While I do acknowledge that there are genuine cases, I know of one girl of 14 who I swear is insisting that she’s a boy, just to piss her parents off. (She has form for parent-pissing-off behaviour). It’s at least partly a fashion, with the added bonus (for teens who enjoy pissing parents off) that nobody is allowed (in theory anyway) to say, ‘That’s quite enough of that nonsense, thank you - your name is Anna, not Mars, FFS.’

Her daughter is trying to make up her brothers’ mind. Something you may have missed in your rush to reinforce the transphobic label.

This thread will fill up very fast due to the trans issue. There are specific threads for LGBTQ child and adults.

FWIW I have a FTM natal female.
I would advise banging the drum on the issue of not being able to change sex (ND folk tend to like scientific fact).
Also let it go on clothes, that doesn't matter.
Names I didn't do either. We use our daughters birth name, she uses a different one at uni.
True GD is very rare. Surgery for males even rarer. However please don't ignore it. Read, read and read again. Answer frankly if asked a question by you DC and watch out for 'glitter' families on the Internet groups.Lots of grooming goes on.
I'm neither a TRA or TERF (although I get called both on mumsnet). DM me if you wish.

“The children who are genuinely trans are still there”

It has now been shown that gender identity can only be said to be based on philosophical belief. Considering there is no evidence of ‘genuine trans’, only of gender dysphoria. And there is no strong long term evidence that children being given chemical and surgical treatments have better outcomes long term that even categorising children as ‘genuinely transgender’ is harmful to those children. The Cass report is very careful about warning people to not categorise children.

Yes. You completely missed it because you were too busy labelling OP as transphobic.

All this utter bollocks denying reality and basic biology is a scurge of our times.
I think too many parents these days have lost sight of the fact that their role is to be the parent not the friend. (Not meaning you personally OP)
I was reading a thread about so called “furries” recently. I would be tempted to serve up sachets of whiskas instead of meals to any child who trotted out such nonsense to me.
I think society has travelled too far along the road from children having to fit in with their parents and with society to being encouraged to believe they are the centre of the universe who without any real work or responsibility can live a useless self indulgent life like the shallow and self obsessed idiots they watch online and television.
Years ago teenage tribes were seen for what they were, passing fads we all go through which would raise a wry smile.
These days it is sacrilege to even question their beliefs.
Who does this help?
The only people I can see benefitting from it are AGP’s who attempt to cloak their sexual fetish in a veil of “diversity” by hiding within the amassed ranks of the deluded and are then able to display their fantasies in public with the rest of us as non consensual participants.

OP, it sounds like your daughter's influence has the potential to be really dangerous for your son. He deserves to get used to his changing body and understand his personality in his own way and in his own space and time.

The teenage years are a tough and confusing time as it is. Our children don't need all this on top of navigating the immense change they're going through.

You are the adult here, bring your wisdom and experience to bear.

Same here OP. I was a tomboy, I outgrew it. God knows where I’d be if I’d been a teenager now.

I wasn't even particularly a tomboy, but I went through puberty early and had sizeable breasts by the age of 12/13 which distressed me enormously.

If anyone had been around to suggest that this meant I was 'really a boy', I might well have believed them.

My youngest son (11) is highly sensitive, sweet and affectionate. Typical "female" characteristics. He is very happy to be a boy (in love with a sweet, sensitive girl) because he has always been told that boys and girls are different biologically but when it comes to personality and interests there is no limit as to what you like or who you are. I think it's important to talk to them before they become teenagers so that they can feel secure and not being peer pressured into societal damaging trends.

It’s hardly a “teen subculture” when its main proponents are the mainstream media, health and education systems, politicians of all stripes, big pharma and an assorted ragbag of adult fetishists.

It is fine until they start gender transition therapies en masse. At least in the UK AFAIK it is not as easy to be done as I the US.

But those subcultures didn’t involve dangerous medications and life altering surgeries

Yes, and there would be no gentle about it in my house. DD would be told to pack it in immediately.

Yes. The clever-clever comment was in fact, about the son. The 'daughter' in question described as capable of making up 'her' own mind being... the son. Boom-tish. Come on, keep up with the zeitgeist.

I feel you. I hated my breasts because they bothered me when I ran. If somebody suggested that I could make them go away I would have happily transitioned into being a boy. I remember being jeallous of their advantage in sports. I used to play football with the boys and all of a sudden I had these boobs coming in the way and the boys getting stronger..

I think we need to remember the basics of parenting and not get caught up with the specific issue. What you are describing is a vulnerable teen being influenced by another teen, in this case your daughter. This issue of peer pressure and "being led astray" is not new. Think how you can support your son to be better at thinking for himself, working out what's right for him and how he can build resilience. These skills are important to develop in any teem so they are not so vulnerable to external pressure and influence.
I know it is is not easy but questioning his decisions and teasing them out with him is not the same as disagreeing. We all know that banning something or not allowing something doesn't work with teens it just makes them more determined. That's not to say you're passive but you can question something, ask them to help you understand better, this process can keep them talking and trusting you and maybe feel better able to process it all with you and potentially come to the conclusion that it's not for them.

Same. Even from the age of 18 months, when I royally kicked off about being put in a dress, I knew that something in me wasn’t very female. I used to feel wrong in girls clothes and shoes, so hideously uncomfortable in a way I can only describe like putting a man in a dress. My poor mum was desperate for a girlie girl after having a son, and she essentially got another son 😂
I had a very masculine energy and outlook and still do. I still can’t wear anything feminine or I feel like I’m in the wrong clothes for my body, yet I am happy being a female. I don’t feel any desire to be a male, but I know that if there’s a spectrum of gender, then I’m about as far away from the ‘girly version’ of female that you can get.
Even the way I sit and move is more masculine.

If I was a kid today, I’d probably be so confused and people would be pushing me to be trans. The reality is that I’m a female, happily so, but I don’t identify with any stereotypical female things. And that’s ok.

More kids need to know that people like me exist and we are absolutely fine.

I haven’t misunderstood. OP’s daughter has one view; OP has another. Why can’t OP concentrate on putting her own view forward instead of wailing that her daughter won’t fall into line?

I was a tomboy and I don't think for a moment I would have been 'pushed' to identify as anything else 'these days'

My oldest (less of a tomboy than me) has identified as non binary for a few years now and they're doing brilliantly at school, have lots of friends so really not going to pick a battle about it. It may be a phase, it may be forever, no idea yet.

Nephew is autistic and is trans lad, identified as such for 3 years now. I have this (entirely personal) theory that for some autistic people being able to live in the gender they identify with just makes it easier for them to pass through a world that is hard for them - DN has certainly been happier and more engaged with education since coming out. And person I know with a trans autistic daughter made a comment that seems to be true of others I've know that trans autistic people don't go for medical transition or interventions. Also autistic people will be the last people to be talked into something they don't want to do!

Like you say, when we were young we developed a teen subculture which many adults hated.

Tbf it didn't involve us cutting our tits off.

I was also desperate to be a boy because of my love of football, I exclusively wore football kits and boys tracksuits from around the age of 7-14, I hated being a girl and used to dream about waking up as a boy. Then at 14 I got the rush of teenage hormones and suddenly felt the desire to dress like a girl, wear make up and got interested in boys. I dread to think what might have happened to me in those pre teen years nowadays.

And as I said, I didn’t say any different. The issue is that the OP claims she doesn’t want her son influenced about this, but is happy to try to do it herself. It’s essentially nothing more than “My daughter thinks I’m wrong and I don’t like it!!!”

Tough one. How would they react if you declared you were a man?

Genuine gender dystopia is vanishingly, vanishingly rare.

This phrase doesn’t mean what you think it means.