Friend interrupting when I am talking

[duckduckgooseduckagain]

I meet up with a close friend every few months. We get on well but I am getting increasingly annoyed with her interrupting me when I am speaking. I will be halfway through saying something and she will suddenly notice something and say (for example) "oh look at that dog, it's so cute" Last time I was saying something serious about my mum dying and she just switched subject, pointing at a poster on a wall that showed a band we both like and saying their name in an excited voice. AIBU for letting this really annoy me? What would you do?

I'm guilty of the interrupting with my experience type of interrupting. I try not to. I don't really mind if people do it to me, I like a fast back and forth type of conversation.

I don't do the 'oh, a dog' type interruption very often. Or if I do, quickly then say 'you were saying about your application...' or whatever to bring the convo back. I have a friend you just says 'look at that lovely flower', 'oh a new food stall' (and then strikes up a conversation with stall owner), and whatever I was saying, however important, is forgotten and I feel daft. I couldn't bring myself to self-importantly say 'Let me finish,' as she clearly wasn't interested. I limit our contact quite a bit now, though she is a good friend in other ways.

If I'm interrupted while I'm speaking I usually just shut up and stay quiet to the point of awkwardness once they've finished speaking. I had a friend who constantly interrupted and did say once "go on, you were saying XYZ..." when I reality I'd been saying ABC so I knew she hadn't been listening. I replied that had she been listening she'd have known that I said ABC and that it didn't matter now as I was obviously boring her. She was gobsmacked and said she didn't know I had anything important to say! I just replied case in point and walked away.

@toofless
I agree but what this actually means is that someone with ADHD may well disengage from the friendship to avoid being rude as it can be incredibly difficult to mask

I'd find it so annoying I wouldn't care if they did.

I know someone like that. She'll ring me, drone on massively about her job and all the ailments she reckons she's got (most of it imagined), then when I finally manage to say something, she interrupts. I've started saying I've got to go as someone is at the door.

That would drive me mad. I'm always annoyed when I see other people get interrupted in mid-sentence as well. And if I'm part of the conversation, I always make a point to circle back to the original speaker and ask something like, "Sorry Amy, what were you saying about X?" I also try and make a point to draw in someone who hasn't had a chance to speak yet, but is obviously part of the group.
I figure manners cost nothing.

My mum does this and I can’t STAND it. My autistic DD does it which I understand but DD & my DM are the only two people in my life (yes really!) and so it feel like I never ever get heard. Every once in a while I get angry and snap at them both which I know isn't right but it's built up frustration.

My sister in law who I never ever see is even worse! Not only does she interrupt but she asks further questions or completely changes the subject when I'm only 2/3 words into my response to her previous question! 🤬🤬🤬

People who do this annoy me so much. I think you keep talking as they try to interrupt, which will hopefully give them the hint. If that doesn't work, a very polite "sorry, can I just finish what I was saying?" Or, if you have a third party there, wait for her to interrupt the other person and then you ask the other person to carry on with what they were saying. People soon realise they're doing it if you don't just stop for them.

With my mum, I've found myself pre-arranging my sentences when I need to tell her something important, or even semi-important. This is to make sure I get the important part in within the first few words, as I can accurately predict at which point she's going to interject.

ie: To anyone else it would be "Sorry I'm a bit late, you won’t believe what happened! Blew a tyre on a country road and my battery was dead so I couldn't call RAC. I was going to walk into the village to call them from the pub but remembered I had a can of temporary tyre filler! So I managed to get it to Kwik Fit and all sorted now, phew!"

With my Mum it would need to be "Sorry I'm a bit late, blew a tyre BUT Had tyre filler can in boot so it's ok! I just used that as phone was dead, so would've had to walk into the village to the pub to call RAC as I was on a country road. Got it to Kwik Fit and all sorted now, phew!"

It's exhausting.

I do get the urge to do this with particularly exciting conversations and have to cover my mouth with my hand to let the other person finish and do believe I'm on the spectrum, for many reasons! I have a friend that does this in every sentence I utter. She'll ask me about someone in my life that's very unwell, for example and I'll say two words and she's overlapping me already, trying to end my sentence. It's starting to really put me off meeting her to be honest. It's rude.

Or maybe she’s just fucking rude? Not every person mentioned has to have a diagnosis.

Nope but she's asking for views and I gave mine so pipe down.

I will not ‘pipe down’. What an outrageous thing to say! I too am giving my view, since when is yours the only valid pov?!

I do this but it wouldn't be random crap it would be because something you have said triggers something and I have to segway to tell you before I forget it again. Then I would apologise as what you were saying and try to listen usually be not looking at you as I can look and focus on what you are saying

That provides an interesting insight, thank you.

Can you explain a bit more, please? (This is a genuine request - I have younger-generation family with ADHD, and look for ways to understand their thought processes.)

If, as the OP describes, you're talking about a very emotionally charged subject, such as "my mum is dying". A normal person (I consider myself one) would react to that with an appropriate emotional register. Depending on personality - a normal person would lean in and offer comfort, or freeze up and shy away. But the content of the subject would touch them and inform their immediate, subsequent behaviour.

How does a person with ADHD bypass the emotional response and go to pointing to a poster, as the OP describes, with no addressing the OP's situation?

I have a school mum friend who does this to the point of me avoiding chatting on the school run. She talks about the same things almost word for word and I can't get a word in. I have adhd and I find if I don't interrupt them then I won't stand a chance of saying anything. She will ask an initial question and I answer but then she's off on one. She's lovely but it's exhausting.

Thanks for all your answers. I have known this friend for over 30 years and I'm sure she doesn't have ADHD. She has done the interrupting for the past few years, I've seen her do it to others so it isn't just to me. It only started bothering me when I was discussing my mum. I wasn't telling her my mum had just died, it was more of a looking back at when my mum had died and how I'd felt. It still felt upsetting though that she just blurted out something about a poster while I was discussing this. I think that I notice it more since then and that it annoys me more than it did before. I usually just stop talking, then she realises and says "oh carry on, what were you saying?". By then I don't feel like talking. It's just making me not want to go anywhere with her as much which is a shame.

My DH (ASD) does this. Mainly because he’s just not interested in what other people talk about most of the time and isn’t listening and genuinely thinks he’s doing us all a favour by pointing out a bird in a tree that he can’t imagine everyone wouldn’t be just as enthralled by as he is.

I mainly rely on friends who are more socially aligned with me for conversation; it’s less frustrating and lonely.

This is also really important. If someone can’t respond in a way that doesn’t make things feel worse when you’re talking about a very painful loss, then you don’t have to remain friends with them. It doesn’t matter if they can’t help it. It’s almost worse: that means there is no hope that it will change even if you try to discuss it with them.

This person might be a fun friend in the good times but people who can’t read the fucking room when you’re bereaved can’t be relied on as proper friends and it’s perfectly within your right to give them a swerve. (And don’t get sucked in when they it make it all about them and how hurt they are that you’ve ‘ghosted’ them or whatever. Because it is always going to be about them.)

Your DH sounds a delight 😳

Yeah, it’s not great.

I can't bear being interrupted. For me I think a big part is feeling "what I have to say is less important than what you have to say" and I know it's a trigger

My tolerance threshold is lower though these days. I am quite a fan of "you must find it so annoying when the middle of my sentences get in the way of the start of yours" to repeat offenders - I think I MAY have learnt that on MN. I found it hard to learn generally that it was okay to say just let me finish, or to go back to what I was saying

Also in scenarios where everyone is constantly talking over everyone else it distresses me and sometimes to avoid it happening to me I'll put my hand in the air until someone might notice I have something to add, only I can't get a word in edgeways unless I interrupt someone else. Happens a lot with one particular group of friends! [This isn't arsey and they are real friends]

I used to work with a guy who interrupted but he also had a really loud voice so he'd completely take over the conversation. As we were friends I started saying "lips moving, still talking!!" He got it in the end and it became a running joke. He'd even wait for me to start talking then he'd purposely interrupt but it was quite funny. I also have another friend who interrupts a lot, I don't say anything, I just bring the conversation back to what I was saying. She told me her daughter tells her off for interrupting! I think, so why don't you do something about it then?!

I think it's ok to interrupt/interject as long as you apologise and then let the person carry on

This sounds like the natural flow of conversation, it can be really useful to interject with your views etc

Urgh my mum does this all the time and getting worse as she gets older. I can be in the middle of something important and she jumps in with a totally irrelevant/unrelated comment.

So rude.

I do this, but it's always relevant to what's in the conversation, I don't talk about something else.

I have ADHD. I just thought it was normal because everyone in my family does it. I try to keep my mouth shut where possible.