Feels like I'm losing the kids

[HandOld]

My boys are 6 and 3.

My husband can be a total arsehole. I'm really trying to find the strength to leave. There is just a lot of logistical things that feel impossible.

I said something he didn't like just now and he was "fucks sake this and that" "fuck off" "don't fucking ignore me" "your life is collapsing" "you got a fucking huge ego on you" all in frotn of the kids. I'm just ignoring him as don't want hom to shout anymore in frotn of them so trying not to antagonise. He says "I'm not shouting. Get a fucking grip" etc.

I apologised and he calmed down. And both boys went on the sofa and cuddled H and he started cooinh over them and giving them sweets and H glared at me and ive left them downstairs. And now I'm all alone upstairs

If I leave I'm going to lose my boys. They think he's so cool and fun. I'm meant to be working in 30 mins and I can't stop crying. They love him so much and he's so nice to them. But he's so cruel to me. I just can see them staying with him and I'll be alone and they'll hate me.

I know this isn't an AIBU but I'm in so much pain. I feel like I can't breath. I don't know what to do.

presumably that's exactly what she's (or has been) living with, apologies if missed something...

Op please go to the local council or contact womans aid and get you ( and) the children into safe temporary accommodation or refuge. You don't need to stay to sort stuff you can do that from else where.

What he's doing is parental allination. This is a form of abuse not just to you but your children as well. Do not leave them with him.

Children are not silly they are most likely sitting with their father to have sweets /hugs etc because they know they are meant to. They do similar as you do. To keep the peace.

@HandOld
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Please look at this op.

Get out as soon as you can. I used to babysit for a family with this dynamic - the two little boys mirrored dad’s behaviour towards mum 😢😢. She divorced him obviously but not sure she was quick enough.

He is a bully. It's impossible to talk with him about anything. The solicitor told me when I first spoke to her it will be v expensive to divorce him through the solicitor route but I can't imagine how we would work things out by ourselves because he is so quick to anger and so unreasonable. He knows in recent times that I've been more distant and he hates it.

The older one loves his dad so so much. H will tell him everything is mummy's fault and I don't love them. I can't bear to lose him or for him to side with his dad.

That's why you get out asap sooner rather than later. And take your kids with you. Refuge can help you with all the things your worried about

I left for these reasons. I have a great relationship with DS (who still
worships his dad). One day, he’ll know the full story of why I left (if he wants to).

You will damage your children FAR more by letting them grow up watching their father verbally abuse their mother than you will by leaving him. You cannot let them grow up thinking it’s normal or acceptable for a man to speak to his partner in such a disgusting, aggressive, and disrespectful way.

H has gone out. Ds3 said to me once H had left "me not love daddy. Me only love mummy". It's breaking my heart he's saying that unprompted when H is out. I don't want him to not like H or reject him but DS can see what's going on i guess.

When H comes back from gym tonight shall I say something? Say that the way he talks to me in front of the kids is unacceptable? He's never going to change and usually I just forget it but feeling so angry he's causing the kids so much confusion and worry

Maybe it’s best to plan to leave without telling him so you don’t have to deal with him escalating his behaviour ? Don’t bother trying to inform him when he is all about undermining you This may protect you and the children from dealing with more of the same with him escalating his behaviour.

He is probably nice to them so he can use them in his abuse against you. Leave and take your children with you, he is not a good dad, he will cause them emotional harm and they deserve better. They are too young to have a say in where they live, decisions need to be made for them in their best interests. If you carry on in this relationship its likely he will grind you down leaving you with serious mental health problems. When it gets to that point he will have the ammunition to take the children from you and they won't have anyone putting them first.

Do not say anything to him.
Just play the game and go along with what he wants until you’ve sorted yourself out.

Make sure you try and get physical evidence of his behaviour.
You could even record his outbursts and then email them to yourself before deleting.

What are the dynamics, do you both work?

You say he’s good with the kids and so you have to do what’s best for them.
If you think they’d be better off staying with him then you can still have access, especially if you have physical evidence of you having no choice but to leave.

Once you have got yourself sorted with somewhere to stay etc then get someone to watch the kids and then talk to him.

Play to his ego and tell him that as this was your decision you don’t want him having to take time off work to look after the kids etc and so you can take them with you and he can have them on weekends.

He may like this idea, or he may not and you may have to go to court but if you have evidence and your own money then you will definitely have court ordered access to them.

I'm in a similar but not quite so bad situation and i share your fears (there are other reasons I can't leave)
My DS is now 10, DD 13 and they would feel dreadful for their dad if we split even if they are closer to me, they would worry about him and DS would choose to live with him I am sure.
It gets much harder to leave is what I'm trying to say.

I'm going to leave. I just keep going round in circles about how to do it and how to minimise the rage that is coming! What van I say to make him feel it's his idea!

His rage his problem
Not for you to manage just get away and be safe

So
He is going to rage and do what?
Be safe eg lock doors
Call 999 get him arrested

you don’t try to tell him. You quietly seek advice on how to leave with kids safely. And if he starts you don’t react, you grey rock him And quietly do what you need to do.

get advice about how to safely leave from Women’s Aid or from solicitor
Are you considering contacting women’s aid or another organisation for support? Don’t do it alone. Seek support

Show solicitor this thread to explain the extent of his controlling behaviour, how he is bullying you in front of the children in his efforts to shut you up from standing up for yourself
It’s in his interests that he keeps you there to support his lifestyle and keeps you paying his debts.

He doesn’t own you
he doesn’t have the right to try to bully you for making the changes that lead to freedom from his abuse
he doesn’t own the kids either
As young adults they will not necessarily look up to a parent that isn’t big enough to admit his own failures and uses cruel bullying to get his way

Speak to women's aid, speak to your health visitor, get some support, you need to leave.

This is so damaging to you, and even more damaging to your children.

This is domestic abuse. Living in a home where domestic abuse is happening, which is what your children are doing, is an adverse childhood experience. This is worsening their outcomes and will impact them into adulthood.

Their ability to form and maintain positive relationships will be impacted.

Currently your children are facing emotional harm.

You have to leave for your boys.

I can guarantee if you leave the boys with him he will start treating them the same way. I wouldn’t be surprised if he already is when you are at work, shouting and screaming at them. You need to take the boys and escape this abusive bully asap.

@LavenderFields7 I don't get to just take the boys away from him. Theyre his kids. If he's abusive to them when I'm at work, what's he going to like post split when he has them 50%? I want nothing more than to make my kids lives better but all I read is stories of mums unable to protect their kids from abusive men post split.

I am going to try to split but escape isn't possible. Whatever I do he will be in my DC lives and my life

@pinkypank I know. I feel so guilty for that. They're are happy kids. I keep a happy home because I know how to most of the time.

Do you have anywhere you can go and stay with the kids? The sooner you do it the better. Don't worry about them preferring him over you, kids are fickle and in a couple of years they won't even remember this time and hopefully they will see him for who he really is when they grow up.

I really hope you can find the strength to leave.

You mentioned debt. Has he coerced you into taking out loans etc? Has he fraudulently taken out credit in your name?
Get some help from the CAB.
See what benefits you get if you leave.

You are dying inside trying to keep a happy home and you will be better out of it and however it turns out, your kids will be better with you out of it too.

• I have my own income. I could afford a rent for me and the DC but not while paying mortgage too. He barely pays mortgage now so if I left I'd be paying both which isn't doable.
• I'm in debt because he doesn't pay his way at home and all bills in my name.
• I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits.

I just wish the boys weren't so attached to him. They're all cuddling on the sofa downstairs. I feel so guilty.