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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selective about visitors in the first week postpartum?

76 replies

babyvisitors · 31/10/2024 16:03

I’m having a C section next week, this is our first baby.

My mum lives round the corner and has been such fantastic support to me throughout pregnancy. She has offered to clean our house before and after baby is born and has no expectations about meeting the baby in any given time frame. Of course she is excited to but would never outstay her welcome and just wants to make sure I am okay and that life postpartum is as easy and supported as possible. This is what she did for my sister too. Because of this I’m pretty sure I would want her to be one of the first to meet baby.

A couple of DH’s relatives (not his parents, but still close family members) are eager to meet baby ASAP but haven’t offered any form of constructive support or taken as much interest as we’d have hoped. One of them has said we can let her know and she will come round to hold baby while we do ‘the mountain of housework’ that builds up when you have a baby. Well meant I am sure but I couldn’t help but think it would have been kinder not to offer at all.

I’ll be recovering from major surgery, trying to learn how to breastfeed, probably bleeding (a lot?) and more tired than I ever knew possible. Is it horrible to want to be selective about visitors, particularly in the first week or two?

People are really excited to meet the new family member and I don’t want to prevent them from building a relationship with baby, but I just don’t want to be inundated with visitors who don’t understand, aren’t actually that interested in anything other than tiny baby cuddles and won’t get the memo not to overstay.

When I’m feeling more mobile and like myself I think I would feel a lot happier about hosting and catching up with people but just not in the first few days or week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 31/10/2024 16:06

Are DH’s parents around? You can be selective. Not everyone is going to be as excited about your pregnancy as you are, so wouldn’t judge them too much for not showing too much interest up to this point.

beetr00 · 31/10/2024 16:07

@babyvisitors grandparents only?

"One of them has said we can let her know and she will come round to hold baby while we do ‘the mountain of housework’ that builds up when you have a baby" 😱As for this cf, just no

Original poster
babyvisitors · 31/10/2024 16:07

crumblingschools · 31/10/2024 16:06

Are DH’s parents around? You can be selective. Not everyone is going to be as excited about your pregnancy as you are, so wouldn’t judge them too much for not showing too much interest up to this point.

Just one of them and lives overseas so won’t be meeting baby anytime soon unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
babyvisitors · 31/10/2024 16:07

beetr00 · 31/10/2024 16:07

@babyvisitors grandparents only?

"One of them has said we can let her know and she will come round to hold baby while we do ‘the mountain of housework’ that builds up when you have a baby" 😱As for this cf, just no

She laughed as she said it and I just smiled, was shocked, didn’t know what to say back!

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 31/10/2024 16:07

C section? That's major surgery. Point this out as some may not realise or never thought about it. And make it absolutely clear that you will be unable to receive visitors for a month after the birth.

Don't let them guilt you into caving in. This time is for you to recover and bond with your baby.

labamba007 · 31/10/2024 16:10

First two weeks I'd say both sets of parents.

But it is also okay for people to just want baby cuddles. I would never expect my friends or family to offer to do household chores and I don't think that is a sign of their devotion or caring, but equally I wasn't hospitable either when they came round. They got a brew made by DH and to sit on a sofa full of washing 😂

Newgirls · 31/10/2024 16:12

Just say you’ll really enjoy them coming over in a few weeks when you’ve got over surgery. No sane person will mind that. And you will enjoy it more

TerfTalking · 31/10/2024 16:13

DS and DIL had their first last week. Conscious of what I had read on MN about unwanted visitors i was very wary of visiting or overstepping.

I am delighted to report they welcomed me to the hospital just a few hours after the birth and have been happy to show off the LO to an endless stream of visitors all week. Everyone cooing and adoring their first born.

This was how I was 30 years ago so I’m happy that at least in our family the love from extended family and friends was appreciated.

On that basis I think YABU, however I have read enough on this site to know that some people just don’t appreciate F&F the same.

Your baby your choice who comes and when, good luck with the birth, hope it goes well.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 31/10/2024 16:13

The house was never cleaner when we had a newborn, we barely moved from the sofa or from going out on pram walks!

Food was all batch cooked stuff from the freezer, and their tiny clothes don't take much washing!

Mountains of housework very much wasn't a thing for us. It only gets messy when they move!

GodspeedJune · 31/10/2024 16:15

Yanbu. Take the time you need to recover. Newborns don’t go stale.

crumblingschools · 31/10/2024 16:17

@TerfTalking not everyone feels the same especially if baby blues/PND kicks in, or you just feel crap! I do remember friends coming round when DS was only a few days old. He just slept in his Moses basket and we all just sat there mesmerised by him!

DelphiniumBlue · 31/10/2024 16:17

I'd have thought that close family members, like parents, siblings and close aunts uncles and cousins, would be close enough to come over, maybe only one lot a day, and be told to go after an hour , without taking offence.
You might welcome the company, or the input from someone who's been through it. You will most likely want to show off the baby
Close relatives can also be asked to bring biscuits, make tea and make a fuss of you and the baby. If they don't, again your partner can just say " Jane's looking tired now, don't want to exhaust her, thanks for coming, goodbye".
You may find that you are still in bed for the first week or so after a Csection, so immediate family excepted, you can say you'll call them just as soon as you are up and about.

Shinytaps · 31/10/2024 16:18

I would keep visitors to the bare minimum. You need time to rest and recover and establish breast feeding if that’s what you want to do. My MIL was desperate to take my baby out in the pram but I wanted to do that! You need to do what you want, it’s your baby.

Pinkpaperclip · 31/10/2024 16:19

Be selective but wait until baby is born to decide.

You don’t know how you are going to feel after surgery. You don’t know how long you’ll be in hospital. Our son was In hospital for the first week.

You might come out and get excited and want lots of visitors, you might want none, you might want just grandparents

But you will always get CF who didn’t want to be involved until a cute newborn is here who won’t offer to help or bother after. They are the no no visitors

Scutterbug · 31/10/2024 16:19

Just wait and see how you are? All four of mine were section babies but I loved showing them off in the first week.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/10/2024 16:20

Invite whoever you want, whenever you are ready.

What relationship is the CF who wants to hold your baby while you do the housework to you/your DH?

Pinkpaperclip · 31/10/2024 16:20

also set boundaries

even people we want over like grandparents, aunts uncles etc can out stay their welcome

Do not feel guilty asking people to come for an hour then leaving

Showbel · 31/10/2024 16:23

I had a c section and had to stay in hospital a few days - I had most visitors over then. Got it out of the way.

ginslinger · 31/10/2024 16:28

anyone who visits makes you cups of tea/ should bring food/ should offer to do something constructive. You need to be holding your baby while people look after you.

FavouriteTshirt · 31/10/2024 16:31

I don't understand Mumsnet sometimes.

Firstly though... do whatever is right for you and your DP, that's the main thing.

With my firstborn, I was home in no time after a vaginal delivery, I was struggling to breastfeed but I have lovely memories of being propped up in an armchair with my feet up feeding, resting and loving seeing loads of friends and family who popped by. They just sort of knew not to stay beyond about an hour / two cups of tea / one round of feed/change/nap. I loved the tea and cake and the beautiful gifts and the love.

Second DC I had a section and stayed three nights in hospital I think. People came to the house when I was home, it was fine. I struggled getting up the steps to the house and up the stairs to bed on the first day, and couldn't carry a heavy washing basket for a couple of weeks. But I have no memory of specific things that visitors did or of being particularly debilitated after surgery. I BF as well. Basically I was a very busy mum of two!!!

Honestly barring any complications for you or the baby you will be fine. Don't cut yourself off from your tribe though, you might just need them! And you might just enjoy it too.

Lemonadeand · 31/10/2024 16:42

I wouldn’t have anyone except very close family the first week, personally. You might not even be home yet if there’s any kind of complication.

VioletCrawleyForever · 31/10/2024 16:43

A lot of people don't realise a section is major surgery.

It's fine to put people off, or say just short visits.

You need to forget about doing housework for weeks. It's also fine to ask guests to pull their weight.

Tippexy · 31/10/2024 16:47

This was how I was 30 years ago so I’m happy that at least in our family the love from extended family and friends was appreciated... I have read enough on this site to know that some people just don’t appreciate F&F the same

Wow!

vegaspot · 31/10/2024 16:54

TerfTalking · 31/10/2024 16:13

DS and DIL had their first last week. Conscious of what I had read on MN about unwanted visitors i was very wary of visiting or overstepping.

I am delighted to report they welcomed me to the hospital just a few hours after the birth and have been happy to show off the LO to an endless stream of visitors all week. Everyone cooing and adoring their first born.

This was how I was 30 years ago so I’m happy that at least in our family the love from extended family and friends was appreciated.

On that basis I think YABU, however I have read enough on this site to know that some people just don’t appreciate F&F the same.

Your baby your choice who comes and when, good luck with the birth, hope it goes well.

I could have written this.

Rainbowshine · 31/10/2024 16:58

If you don’t feel up to it you can always say that the health visitor/doctor has advised you to limit your visits for the time being so once you are out and about a bit more you can meet for a coffee (you have control of how long you stay in a cafe, more than you do over a visitor at home).

I had good days and bad days, and it was mostly fine to ask people to come at different times if I had had a bad night or something. There were a couple of people who were clueless about things but I had DH backing me up and he would tell them that we were limiting visits to an hour max if they were the awkward/clueless ones.