To be selective about visitors in the first week postpartum?

[babyvisitors]

I’m having a C section next week, this is our first baby.

My mum lives round the corner and has been such fantastic support to me throughout pregnancy. She has offered to clean our house before and after baby is born and has no expectations about meeting the baby in any given time frame. Of course she is excited to but would never outstay her welcome and just wants to make sure I am okay and that life postpartum is as easy and supported as possible. This is what she did for my sister too. Because of this I’m pretty sure I would want her to be one of the first to meet baby.

A couple of DH’s relatives (not his parents, but still close family members) are eager to meet baby ASAP but haven’t offered any form of constructive support or taken as much interest as we’d have hoped. One of them has said we can let her know and she will come round to hold baby while we do ‘the mountain of housework’ that builds up when you have a baby. Well meant I am sure but I couldn’t help but think it would have been kinder not to offer at all.

I’ll be recovering from major surgery, trying to learn how to breastfeed, probably bleeding (a lot?) and more tired than I ever knew possible. Is it horrible to want to be selective about visitors, particularly in the first week or two?

People are really excited to meet the new family member and I don’t want to prevent them from building a relationship with baby, but I just don’t want to be inundated with visitors who don’t understand, aren’t actually that interested in anything other than tiny baby cuddles and won’t get the memo not to overstay.

When I’m feeling more mobile and like myself I think I would feel a lot happier about hosting and catching up with people but just not in the first few days or week.

AIBU?

Just wait and see how you feel at the time.
I’ve had 3 c sections and honestly I loved having people over and showing off my baby, it broke up the quite boring days when I wasn’t mobile enough to get out too.

I loved having people come over to visit. In those first couple of weeks the baby is mostly asleep anyway and it's nice to have people you care about come to see your new person.
There is very little additional housework with a newborn. You're tied to the house by uncertainty about feeding and what else are you going to do but sit on the sofa recovering?

None of my friends brought food or cleaned the bathroom or whatever madness is considered essential by some of the people on here. They came to chat to me, admire my baby and be kind.

‘Very funny! No, I’ll obviously be the one holding the baby, but you’re more than welcome to come and tackle the mountains of laundry if you want to come over while we’re in the thick of it! Or wait until we’ve settled down a bit and we can have a proper catch up when we’ve caught our breath!’

I'd just wait and see how you feel. I ended up in hospital for 5 days after having my first as he needed IV antibiotics. My parents, sister, and in-laws all came to the hospital. We We were discharged on New years Day. I remember the 2nd January my friend called in with her partner, as we lived on their route home from a weekend away. They arrived early, and I was trying to make them tea and cheese on toast, new baby, midwife calling in, trying to breastfeed, trying to express, no sleep and had had an episiotomy, and was sore. I don't know why I agreed to them calling in. However, the same day, my parents, sister, and Nan came later that day, and they all ran around after me. That was nice. I did enjoy having visitors early on. I just needed a day or 2 to settle at home first. I think it rally does depend who the visitor is. My in-laws were great and always welcome.

Why is it specifically post partum women who people seem to feel quite comfortable imposing on regardless of their wishes or how they are feeling? What is the problem with letting them feel what they feel, with no judgement?
Is it because they are an easy group to bully and tell yourself a sweet little lie about how it's "love" that's making all these people put their wants for newborn snuggles over a new mother's needs for peace?

I loved having people round, people in my life who actively took an interest in my kids. Never in a million years would I hope someone would offer to do the housework. Your DH isn't giving birth too. Your Mum yes fair enough. But if these people offered to do housework you'd likely be pissed off by that too.

Exactly this!! I never expected or wanted anything from people that came over.

Are you partners hands broken? Who on earth expects family to clean their house after having a child

@TerfTalking thats how my DD and SIL were, it was so lovely to be at the hospital.

OP I hope your section goes well and you have a lovely first few weeks. My DD really enjoys all the visits but she is more than happy to tell people to go home when she is ready and everyone pitches in.

I had a c section a week ago. Yes it’s major surgery, yes I’m learning how to feed but my personality hasn’t fundamentally changed - I love being around people and also being active. We’ve been for a walk every day since I got discharged, had my family visit in the hospital, a neighbour popped round, husband’s cousin who is as good as a sibling came today, friends are tomorrow and both sets of parents at the weekend!

Our house is clean and tidy (which we’ve done ourselves), freezer is stocked, baby is well looked after, so any visits are purely social ones to admire the cutest most perfect baby that anyone has ever created. Plus I gratefully accept sweet treats!

When I had my section we had loads of visitors and it was really nice! Babies are pretty dull to be honest and I was happy to show him off. Second day back we went out to a restaurant with friends. Then next day more visitors!
House was whatever it was. Not sure why there would be mountains of housework to do.

You'll be recovering from major surgery and honestly, I would say at least the first week no visitors apart from your mum. She is there to look after you, make sure you eat and do the laundry etc so that you can concentrate on feeding and resting. That's ALL you should be doing! Stay in bed the first few days and let mum and your partner take care of you. See how you feel after a week - don't be afraid to hold off on visitors until you feel ready. It doesn't matter what they want - what matters is what you and baby need.

Honestly, see how you feel.

Obviously everyone is different, but you may well feel a lot better than you would think. It depends on how your section goes.

I had a c section 12 weeks ago.

So much more straight forward than my first vaginal birth.

I was supposed to be discharged by 12 the following day but didn't end up leaving until 5. If I'd have left early afternoon, I would've felt up to visitors.

By this point I was tired, so everyone met DC2 the day after I got home.

I left things open, I didn't say I definitely wasn't going to have people over just that I'd see how I felt. No one was left with the expectation that I'd be having visitors straight away.

I wish you the best of luck and hope all goes to plan.

You're right, have who you feel comfortable with around in the first couple of weeks because you won't feel up to getting dressed and definitely not making people tea.
As for holding the baby while you do housework- what was she thinking?! They should be offering to do the housework while you hold the baby!

You really shouldn't be expecting people to do your housework so I would largely ignore the suggestions of this! Your DH isn't giving birth, it's his job to do the mundane every day stuff and look after you and the house.

As for visitors, just see how you feel when the baby arrives. We are all different and quite often have no idea in advance how we will feel.

It's entirely up to you who visits you postpartum and if you don't feel like having visitors, that is absolutely fine.

But I personally find the idea that family members should cook, clean, etc for you or they haven't earned the right to meet the baby a bit ridiculous.

Grandparents fine.
Remember that people come to see you and the baby (more the latter), not clean your house!

I'd let them come but be assertive about getting them to leave again. Your husband can look after them, you can sit and rest. Don't feel you have to hand your baby round for extended periods, or at all if it doesn't feel right.

There's no need for people to be doing your cleaning and cooking unless you're a single parent.

People tend to get in touch when there's a baby and then you rarely see them after but that's kind of nice in a way and all part of the specialness of a new baby

I also TBH don't really understand why your mum needs to clean your house unless there is a backstory about your DH being on an oil rig or disabled.

To be nice, so DH can support me. She wants to do it. DH usually does the bulk of the cleaning and has throughout pregnancy

Are you sure she didn’t mean your DH, as she is his relative??

If she really meant you, after you’ve had a c section, then she is a bit of a plum.

but it is ok for people to want to come over for a cuddle. Your DH needs to be clear on timings though. If it’s just for a cuddle then it’s an hour max and she gets a cuppa and then goes. Also fine to ask her to wash hands before she has that cuddle.

I just think it's a bit ridiculous. It's not so consuming having a newborn that your DH won't be able to do a bit of cleanjng.

And on top of that you're basically complaining that your DH's family don't also want to do your housework

Ok, thanks!

As everyone says... see how you feel!
I didn't think I wanted anyone at the hospital. I felt great (euphoric post birth hormones I think) I just wanted to show off my daughter! I wanted her to meet her grandparents and aunts and uncles!
They were at the hospital visiting about 4 hours after I had her!

I'm quite a private person. My mam did come help once after baby was born to help with some housework.
But when I had guests over, either me or my husband offered a drink (most people refused) I would never expect anyone to 'do things for me' in exchange for seeing my daughter.

It's family! Billions of women have gave birth before us!

Tbh I'm not interested in other peoples pregnancies etc I ask how they are etc but that's it. The pregnancy/ baby is very very important to you....but not so much to others. There's other things going on in their lives.

I do love meeting babies and take a gift. I always wait for the mam to say when I can see them/visit etc but I wouldn't offer to do housework etc!

Only on mumsnet are baby visitors expected to do your housework for you and under no circumstances be allowed to touch the baby.