To be selective about visitors in the first week postpartum?

[babyvisitors]

I’m having a C section next week, this is our first baby.

My mum lives round the corner and has been such fantastic support to me throughout pregnancy. She has offered to clean our house before and after baby is born and has no expectations about meeting the baby in any given time frame. Of course she is excited to but would never outstay her welcome and just wants to make sure I am okay and that life postpartum is as easy and supported as possible. This is what she did for my sister too. Because of this I’m pretty sure I would want her to be one of the first to meet baby.

A couple of DH’s relatives (not his parents, but still close family members) are eager to meet baby ASAP but haven’t offered any form of constructive support or taken as much interest as we’d have hoped. One of them has said we can let her know and she will come round to hold baby while we do ‘the mountain of housework’ that builds up when you have a baby. Well meant I am sure but I couldn’t help but think it would have been kinder not to offer at all.

I’ll be recovering from major surgery, trying to learn how to breastfeed, probably bleeding (a lot?) and more tired than I ever knew possible. Is it horrible to want to be selective about visitors, particularly in the first week or two?

People are really excited to meet the new family member and I don’t want to prevent them from building a relationship with baby, but I just don’t want to be inundated with visitors who don’t understand, aren’t actually that interested in anything other than tiny baby cuddles and won’t get the memo not to overstay.

When I’m feeling more mobile and like myself I think I would feel a lot happier about hosting and catching up with people but just not in the first few days or week.

AIBU?

As someone who also had a c section and had no complications, this is still very far from my experience. I wasn't able to go for a walk even a week afterwards. My milk only came in on day 5 so baby was cluster feeding 12 hrs/ day. I got 90 mins of sleep at a time max. You had a great recovery, good for you. But that doesn't set the standard for OP and doesn't mean OP will feel the same. Especially if she is breastfeeding rather than giving formula, those first few weeks are tough.

Speaking from experience, it's not about expecting people to do your cleaning. But there is a stark difference between people who genuinely care about the mum and want to help and people who just want to pretend to be a happy family for 20 mins and fuck off. Everyone is totally free to do what they want but you'll obviously want the helpful peeps around you more. You really what you sow and all that. OP doesn't owe anyone anything.

OP id just wait and see how you feel but I loved showing my new babies off. Also newborns just eat and sleep so it gets really boring after a while so visitors really break that up.

As for the people who are telling you to stay in bed (for a week one poster said!), this would have driven me to despair and really wouldn't have been good for my mental health.

I was up and dressed (well leggings!)every day and slowly built up to a walk with the pram after a few days.

Yes a c section is major surgery but I feel like one of the worst things to do would be to wallow in bed for a week not seeing anyone.

I don't know, I want to see people to talk to them. Not so they can do the housework. People don't have to show they care by doing the hoovering.

My own mum and MIL might have done a bit of washing up or brought a cake but I had lots of other visitors none of them did more than make a cuppa and I was happy to see all of them.

@DinosaurMunch totally agree, I just mean some people are nicer than others. And in the week after giving birth, you really should be able to choose who you want to see. Only see people that cheer you up, that's the bottom line. I just meant OP doesn't owe anyone a visit just because they are relatives, especially if they are a burden in anyway. I have plenty of relatives who are lovely company. Those same people will always washable cup and bring a cake too, it's more of a sign of nice people. I also have plenty who would walk in, criticise the mess and expect me to cover up and take the baby away from me.

OP YANBU as you can see from my posts BUT I would say I was more tired in weeks 2-4, FYI. The adrenaline wears off, the sleep deprivation and the house mess accumulates. I was more willing to have people over on day 5 than day 14. So see how you go but don't feel under pressure either way.

No issue with you taking your time to see people but it's ridiculous that you expect guests to do housework. Your dh should be pulling his weight while you recover. I had a csection last year so definitely take your time and be picky who you see, but guests aren't maids and don't expect to be waited on. But I'd never expect them to be constructive as you put it.

Oh of course, I'm absolutely not trying to say that I'm better than anyone or that I’ve nailed parenting with my smugness just providing a view of what it feels like currently for us. I’ve also not had a meal that’s stayed hot for the past week, cried every day and almost had a breakdown over both breastfeeding (which is still
a massive work in progress) and me trying to poo so it’s not all sunshine!

I do agree and I said in my first comment that you shouldn't have anyone to visit if you're not comfortable with that person.

But for the OP it sort of does seem to be about expecting people to do her cleaning. She is pretty clear that her mum has offered to clean so she is happy with her but DH's family haven't offered the same "constructive support" so she isn't happy with them.

I think it's pretty normal for visitors to primarily want to meet the baby not run the hoover round, personally. What I wanted from visitors was a chat over a cup of tea, and for them to tell me how gorgeous my babies were. I would honestly have found it a bit excruciating if they offered to scrub my bathroom

Some mums overthink this too much, who should be first to meet baby, set periods of no one coming etc.

It honestly doesn't matter. Once I was ready (conscious after emcs under ga) and ds was out of scbu, people came in whenever they were free, think it was dh's gran first (because she didn't work), then my sister, a friend, my mum in evening (once dad got back from work as she didn't drive). No one minded who was first or last. Everyone got a quick look and cuddle and dh hinted heavily if they overstayed their welcome.

While it's nice for visitors to do your housework, expecting it isn't. That's dad's job.

No not unreasonable to be selective.

Just get DH to tell people you aren't recovered enough yet.

However the good news is the bleeding post c section is usually a lot less - so every cloud!!!!!

Nope. Your body, your baby, your rules. I said for the first month only grandparents and my sister can visit baby..my sister is an adult. My DH has a younger brother from his dad's second marriage who is 13 and still goes to school. He will not be meeting my baby as a newborn when RSV season is rife. They don't really bother with us either tbh, we only see DH dad and brother once a year. DH dad was pissed off that we said his brother won't be meeting baby straight away and said it's unfair and ridiculous. Oh well it's me who has to birth a human and it's my child not his. He said well my children never caught RSV! And that means mine won't? DH mum has been amazing to us through the whole pregnancy same as my mum and older sister so I am desperate for them to finally meet him!🤣

See how you feel but I’d say protect your time. My in laws stayed for a week after DS was born - they spent more time holding the baby than I did and the day I chose to stay in bed with the baby my DH came up to ask me to come downstairs because my MIL thought she’d upset me. She hadn’t - I just needed time with the baby where I wasn’t cooking everyone’s meals or bringing everyone cups of tea when I should have been holding my baby.

Just see how you feel and play it by ear.

I've given birth 5 times. 4 times I loved having people round right away. Once I needed a few days before having b anyone other than PIL. Once I wasn't up to visitors for 10 days as I was very unwell.

So just see how things go

I’ve had an EMCS and a planned CS. Both were fine. I was happy to have close family visitors while we were in hospital and friends and family visiting us at home when discharged. Don’t make any grand declarations now, just see how you feel.

@TerfTalking did they have c sections? And are they exclusively breast feeding? Both of these things meant privacy was invaluable for me for the first two weeks

You don’t need to have visitors if you don’t want to - but I had people certainly in the third week after my cs. They weren’t CFs though and mostly only stayed for an hour.

DF and DSM helped us home from the hospital on day 2. DB and DSIL turned up as well. DB went to get chippy tea for everyone and all were helpful. PIL saw DS in hospital. MIL came in with DH and DS1 on day 1 and FIL made a brief visit on day 2 and took MIL home.

Don’t let anyone stay for long. And tell that silly person that you will be holding your baby not doing the housework … hopefully she was joking???

PS as you’re having a cs there shouldn’t be much post partum bleeding. From
memory they mostly remove it. There was far less than when I had DS1.

You have to be crystal clear, especially with CFs who want to cuddle the baby whilst you do "mountains of housework"

As you know, I'm having a c section, which is major surgery.
We'll let you know when we're up for visitors.

And then when they are there & you want them to go
Take the baby - it's been lovely to see you, thanks for coming by, we're off upstairs for a nap now. I'll be in touch about our next meet up when I'm up for it health wise. Bye

Wait and see how you feel. I was on such a high coming home I was dying for visitors! We gave a rough time slot to immediate family members to come visit and then asked people to text in advance if they were calling. There's days you will be on an absolute high and feeling fantastic, and days you will be feeling like utter shite and emotional as hell. Just take it day by day. I totally disagree with expecting visitors to do housework. At most, I asked them to make themselves a cup of tea if I wasn't able or OH wasn't there.

I think as long as you are fair to both sides then do whatever you like so limit it to grandparents only , it’s not your problem that your husbands aren’t about .

Not unreasonable at all. Everyone I knew said they'd help. ONE visitor in that first week said 'no i'll make the teas' when I offered. Everyone else was happy for me to do it, noone ever helped beyond that. (not complaining about making tea, I just mean that they'd all spoken about how helpful they'd be but they didn't lift a finger) I remember crying in the kitchen wishing they'd all go home so I could rest. I'm 21 weeks pregnant now and will be taking much better care of myself this time!

There are lots of family who would like to meet a baby but aren’t going to do your washing and cleaning. Where feasible you should allow these people to visit- uncles and aunts etc, as it’s nice for everyone to be interested.

Just let it be known ahead of time that you will let them know when it's OK to visit.

I had an emergency c section after being in labour for about 45 hours … my mum and PILs visited in hospital.
My close aunties, cousins and siblings visited within the first week (I had about 2 or 3 days at home first I think) but only for an hour at a time that suited me. DH made cups of tea and they brought food with them which was nice!
My mum came over much more often than anyone else as she was doing as you described cleaning and support- it is very different having your mum with you of course.

I’d just say you’ll see how you feel but grandparents or siblings only is completely fair for the first week or two. I’d not expect anyone to do any chores but equally wouldn’t expect to be running around hosting guests. So many people insisted on coming to visit my first in the those precious first few weeks and haven’t seen her since and she’s nearly 2! Definitely spend plenty of time soaking up those first moments with your DH alone or with those that really matter. Also avoid evening visits as mine would just cluster feed constantly!