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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel differently about my friend now that she's had an abortion?

77 replies

pixiella · 25/04/2008 15:51

Firstly - i have nothing against women who choose to have abortions, I'm pro-choice but still feel quite raw about having had a miscarriage a year ago (very much wanted baby) at 11 weeks,naturally me and my dp were devastated.

But 2 weeks ago one of my very best closest friends told me (at a party) that she had discovered she was pregnant 2 months ago and subsequently dumped the father and then had an abortion. I asked her if she was feeling sad and she said she was just relieved.
She said that at the time she had made a conscious decision not to tell me which is thoughtful but i wonder if that decision was based on her not wanting to hear what i would have to say about it.

When I was pregnant and told all my friends that we were going to keep the baby she came round to my house and tried to persuade me not to keep it and when i told her that i knew i would regret having an abortion for the rest of my life, she told me that i would regret having a baby more and that i would be ruining my life.

But once i explained my feelings to her and she realised that I really had thought long and hard about my decision and I wasn't going to change my mind, she layed off and said she was happy for me.

So back to the present - I told her that if she ever needed to talk that I was here...she has never brought the subject up again but in all honesty, if she did come to talk to me I don't know if i'd be able to know what to say to her. I don't feel as if I could even sit and listen to her talking about it without becoming upset.

I know it's irrational and in my head I know that having an abortion was the right thing for her because she didn't love the dad and they were breaking up anyway and she is very set on her 'life plan' etc.
BUT in my heart I just want to scream at her 'how could you?? how could you choose to have your baby's life terminated when I had no control over my baby dying' after all that she had seen me go through, I guess I just don't understand how she could do that because I couldn't do it, and because of my experience my feelings about babies and pregnancy and life have changed ALOT.

Now she is being her usual self again and is trying to seduce this new guy and keeps telling me about all her plans for the future. etc.

And I just feel sad and weird and I can't see her in the same way at the moment. I just don't even want to be around her right now.

I'm an awful person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : (

OP posts:
May2December · 25/04/2008 15:56

YABU but I sort of understand

beansmum · 25/04/2008 15:58

you're not an awful person, you can't help how you feel. YABU though.

bellabelly · 25/04/2008 15:59

You are not an awful person! You are just feeling very sad about what happened with your mc and that is colouring your view of your friend at the moment. I think you know yourself that you are not being "reasonable" but you cannot help the feelings you have right now.

elportodelgato · 25/04/2008 16:01

pixiella I am so sorry about your miscarriage - it has obviously affected you enormously

I don't really have any advice to offer but I know from experience with friends that abortion is a very emotional subject and it is totally reasonable for you to feel weird about your friend given your own very recent past. All I can say is that in time these feelings will very likely pass and you and your friend will be able to spend time together just as it was before. From what you say, you already know logically that even though her decision would not have been right for you, it was right for her and you sound like you're trying v hard to be normal about it.

Give yourself some time, look after yourself and stay away from her for a while if that is what you need (if she is a good friend she will understand).

FWIW I am also v pro-choice but have found my views have become more complex now I am about to start a family - it's a v tricky area.

lizandlulu · 25/04/2008 16:05

i dont really know what to say, but you are definately not an awful person. your feelings are there because of what you have been through. you are not feeling them out of malice or unkindness.
it is bound to make you sad and look at this in a different light if you have had a miscarriage yourself.

cant you just explain how oyu feel about the situation, and tell her that you are having trouble dealing with the way she feels?

if you push her away now, you may never recover your friendship woth her. or do you want that?

miffymum · 25/04/2008 16:07

You aren't awful. I agree with novicemama - give yourself a bit of time and space away. I think it was a bit silly of her to have told you at all to be honest - not really necessary.

muggglewump · 25/04/2008 16:08

YANBU for feeling that way, YABU for saying anything or acting differently towards your friend.
I had an abortion, a year ago this week actually and the nicest thing my so called best friend called me (who I'd supported through an abortion btw) was murderer.
I did it all with the support of my ex but I found it hard.
Yes, I was relieved after and no, I've never regretted it, I made the right decision but I still have nightmares now about being judged and thinking of all the names I was called.
What I did does not affect anyone elses fertility or what happens to them.
It was my decision and I'd support someone elses, whether I agreed or not

poodlepusher · 25/04/2008 16:12

YANBU and I don't think you're an awful person at all - but I do think its unfortunate that these two events co-incided.

You probably need a bit of space to deal with your own grief, which is personal and separate from her life and choices and events.

I don't personally think it was for her to try and pursuade you either which way concerning your own pregnancy, but everyone's friendships are different and have different lines you can and cannot cross.

Like I say, its unfortunate timing and I can see how and why you feel the way that you do, but try not to resent her in grieving your loss.

And I think it strong and brave of you to write of it here, too.

Monkeybird · 25/04/2008 16:16

Have you called someone (I think there is a miscarriage group?) to talk about your loss?

Perhaps it would help you with your grief.

I echo what other people have said. Of course you can have your feelings. And she has hers. Both of you are right to have them.

It was bad politics on her part to tell you, assuming she knew about your miscarriage.

Take a break but if she is a good friend, go back when you're feeling stronger.

ComeOVeneer · 25/04/2008 16:22

"how could you choose to have your baby's life terminated when I had no control over my baby dying"

The trouble is one has nothing at all to do with the other. Admittedly it wasn't terribly tactful for her to tell you given what you have been through, but it was her decision based on her situation. YANBU to feel the way you do, but YABU to take the situation personally.

fireflytoo · 25/04/2008 16:23

I am really sorry about your miscarriage.. I had two. I think your real difficulty here is that she told you... not really that she did it. Personally i think she was insenstive to tell you!!!

The thing to remember here (very easy to forget when you are grieving for a much wanted child)is what quality of life would her child have had, if it was unwanted by a single mum (I don't want to trash single mums....but making a decision like that in a partnership is different than if you are on your own and would rather get on with your own life.)

allgonebellyup · 25/04/2008 16:28

i do think you should lay off your friend.

Its NOT her fault that you are feeling so bitter.
She had every right in the world to have an abortion and a life plan.

muggglewump · 25/04/2008 16:29

I think that was the thing for me ComeOVeneer, I was made to feel that by aborting, I'd taken away someone elses chance of conceiving, or would cause bad things to happen to someone elses baby. It haunted me for months.
I feel for the OP, I really do and think it would be good for her to withdraw, in a non-obvious way from her friend for a while but it's not the friends fault.
I was irrationally angry with people who were TTC when pregnancy was the worse thing ever that could happen (again in my irrational, not quite right head) but I had to accept I was being irrational and distance myself from people who were TTC or had new babies.
A friend has just had a baby, with a mirena coil in, I had one too when I got PG and I was overjoyed for her so I got there eventually and have got over the irrational thing

madmuggle · 25/04/2008 16:32

Mugglewump puts it well. Your friend has done nothing that affects you and your own body. You feel upset, but you're either going to have to deal with it for the sake of your friendship, or make a choice to end that friendship. Your choice. Good luck.

Mugglewump, sounds like you had a shocking friend. I hope you got the help and support you needed elsewhere

yurt1 · 25/04/2008 16:36

YANBU to feel the way you do, and you are being quite reasonable in the way you have dealt with it and her. allgonebellyup- I think she recognises that her friend has the right to make whatever decision she likes- it doesn't mean she has to be emotionally ready to listen to it.

A few friends have had abortions because it wasn't the right time and it hasn't bothered me at all, they've all been fine about it, but had they needed support I could have offered it. But I know that if a friend terminated for certain disabilities I would be completely the wrong person for them to talk to (I have a severely disabled child).

If they told me, fine, I would make sympathetic noises and wish them well and leave it at that. If they wanted to use me as some sort of counsellor, I would have to tell them that I was the "wrong audience", and whilst I respected their decision as being their own to make I would not be right person to look to for ongoing emotional support.

Assuming your friend never says anything again, just leave it, but if she loks to you for support then you are allowed to gently say you're not the right person.

Lazycow · 25/04/2008 16:37

Well a relative told me she had an early abortion recently. She is in her 40's, divorced with school age children and really does not want any more. I am the same age and have a 3 year old. I desperately want another one and am unable to conceive (she doesn't know this).

When she told me, part of me wanted to shout - 'NOOOO, please have it and I'll look after it'. The baby would even have been related to me. Of course I didn't but it did hurt very much.

However I don't say any of this to her as at the same time as being hurt, I can see that for her it was the best decision.

Original poster
pixiella · 25/04/2008 16:38

Thanks for all your messages, I think what Monkeybird said 'you can have your feelings and she has hers' and what novicemama said about me logically knowing that her decision was not right for me but it is right for her - helped such a lot because part of my weird feeling was not being able to put my finger on WHAT exactly I was feeling. Those two comments sort of clarify things for me.

And it's interesting that some people said that it was silly of her to tell me at all, and that it wasn't necessary. i hadn't really thought of that aspect of it but now that i do.. it does seem like given that she is such a close friend and she knew about my miscarriage maybe it would have been better if she had not told me. Unless of course she told me because she knew she would need me for support but she hasn't taken me up on my offer of talking yet, and it doesn't seem like she will. (sort of glad though...)

Monkeybird - yes i did finally have counselling a few months ago on the NHS for 6 weeks but it didn't really help very much b/c i felt as if my counsellor wasn't really taking my feelings seriously because i'm young (19) - she kept advising me to go to uni and stuff (even though i explained to her i am not planning to do a degree yet) which seemed weird because my mum is a counsellor and she told me that that counsellors are not supposed to give advice - only listen and paraphrase and stuff.
i guess i will have counselling again in the future but can't afford it now.

lizandlulu - don't worry i'm not pushing her away, i didn't mean it to sound like i was. we don't see each other very regularly anyway because we are both very busy but we've seen each other a few times since and i've tried to be normal with her. i just have this feeling when i'm around her.
i'm going travelling for 2.5 months with my dp so hopefully when i come back i will feel normal again about her.

OP posts:
muggglewump · 25/04/2008 16:39

I truly did have a shocking friend, I'm well rid of her but yes, I did get support elsewhere thanks

quickynamechange · 25/04/2008 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monkeybird · 25/04/2008 16:47

BTW, it's not unusual for women to change their feelings about abortion when they've been pregnant or had babies. YANBU in that respect. I certainly changed my mind about whether I would be able to do it myself. But I remain resolutely prochoice.

Original poster
pixiella · 25/04/2008 16:47

comeoveneer - i do know though that her decision has nothing to do with me and i completely respect her decision based on her situation, im not taking it personally i just feel a bit odd about it and the reason why i started this thread was cos i felt guilty about feeling slightly weird towards her because of it. my rational head is not taking it personally but my heart is. IYSWIM ? I guess i just wanted a bit of reassurance that it's not completely awful of me to feel upset after she told me, and subsequently have different feelings towards her for a little while.

allgonebellyup - i am not bitter. having a miscarriage leaves a wound and i don't think it's unsuprising some traumatic feelings might resurface when a very close friend tells you that she's just had an abortion.
i don't need to 'lay off' my friend because i'm not laying anything on her in the first place!
i did not say ONE negative thing about her having an abortion to her and i never would. of course it's her choice and she has every right and i respect that completely.
on the outside i am not showing at all (apart from maybe my eye twitching or something!) that i am feeling weird at all.

OP posts:
justaboutwithPMT · 25/04/2008 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pixiella · 25/04/2008 16:52

quickynamechange - yes absolutely, i would never tell her i felt that way, i wouldn't want to hurt her feelings because she has been through alot too. you're right, the irrational feelings are just cos i have strong emotions regarding the subject.

monkeybird - thanks, i feel the same way.im still pro-choice aswell. i was shocked at my feelings, i guess it was just cos of the way she told me (at a party) and the attitude she had about it and mostly because she is one of my closest friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
pixiella · 25/04/2008 16:53

thanks justaboutwithPMT ! that makes me feel alot better : ) xxx

OP posts:
pantiesandsussies · 25/04/2008 16:54

My story is slightly different. I had DS at 27 weeks, while he was in scbu I made friends with two women who had 23 weekers, (this was 9 years ago and they children are now both mentally and physically fine. In fact the boy is a whiz at cricket and is G&T for most subjects at school. He is tube fed though as a top up in the evenings. The girl is doing really well physically and mentally, Ds on the other hand ... not so well) I digress, My sister went on to get married and fell pregnant, they split and she decided to terminate her pregnancy, she terminated at 21 weeks. I love my sister, but it is hard, even now 7 years later to 'see' past her termination. I wish I could, I really, really do, But I can't.