to feel differently about my friend now that she's had an abortion?

[pixiella]

Firstly - i have nothing against women who choose to have abortions, I'm pro-choice but still feel quite raw about having had a miscarriage a year ago (very much wanted baby) at 11 weeks,naturally me and my dp were devastated.

But 2 weeks ago one of my very best closest friends told me (at a party) that she had discovered she was pregnant 2 months ago and subsequently dumped the father and then had an abortion. I asked her if she was feeling sad and she said she was just relieved.
She said that at the time she had made a conscious decision not to tell me which is thoughtful but i wonder if that decision was based on her not wanting to hear what i would have to say about it.

When I was pregnant and told all my friends that we were going to keep the baby she came round to my house and tried to persuade me not to keep it and when i told her that i knew i would regret having an abortion for the rest of my life, she told me that i would regret having a baby more and that i would be ruining my life.

But once i explained my feelings to her and she realised that I really had thought long and hard about my decision and I wasn't going to change my mind, she layed off and said she was happy for me.

So back to the present - I told her that if she ever needed to talk that I was here...she has never brought the subject up again but in all honesty, if she did come to talk to me I don't know if i'd be able to know what to say to her. I don't feel as if I could even sit and listen to her talking about it without becoming upset.

I know it's irrational and in my head I know that having an abortion was the right thing for her because she didn't love the dad and they were breaking up anyway and she is very set on her 'life plan' etc.
BUT in my heart I just want to scream at her 'how could you?? how could you choose to have your baby's life terminated when I had no control over my baby dying' after all that she had seen me go through, I guess I just don't understand how she could do that because I couldn't do it, and because of my experience my feelings about babies and pregnancy and life have changed ALOT.

Now she is being her usual self again and is trying to seduce this new guy and keeps telling me about all her plans for the future. etc.

And I just feel sad and weird and I can't see her in the same way at the moment. I just don't even want to be around her right now.

I'm an awful person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : (

I feel for you that you are still so upset. I would have been too, in your shoes. But don't make things worse by confusing all the emotions and losing friends.

I think you are being unreasonable yes. It heightens your pain to know that your friend terminated a life, but it is not her fault.

Presumably you've got a stable relationship and a supportive, loving husband. It sounds as though she does not have that. She waited a while to tell you. So she does sound sensitive to your pain. I reckon she's had her own pain. It's not an easy decision to make. I've a couple of friends who've had to have an abortion and it's not like picking a handbag. Cut her some slack. Everybody's got their own problems. Who says she doesn't glimpse at you and your husband's relationship and think....if I'd had what they have I could have kept my baby. But then she probably pushes that thought quickly away.

pantiesandsussies - i really identify with your feelings...when i look at her and hear her talk about stuff all i can think about is that she's had a termination....and it shouldn't make me think differently about her as a close friend but it does. : ( grrr. i guess the other thing (that you might feel too with your sister) is that previously i felt that we were so similar, we had even talked together about how we were kindred spirits and we were going to be in each other's lives forever and what amazing friends we were. I guess now it highlights that we are actually, now, very different in a fundamental way.

Message withdrawn

elizabethberisford - you're right, those are all the things i try to remember. those are all the things my logical brain thinks. i would like to be there for her but im not sure if she is actually upset about not being able to keep her baby. she said to me that she was relieved....and she is completely her normal self, going to parties, trying to snog blokes, joking around like normal. maybe she's just put on a brave face, i don't know. but she's a pretty open, honest, straightforwad person, i think if she was hurting she would definately talk about it to me or to one of our other close friends.

pixiella - its not so much the termination as I always will support any woman's right to choose. Its how late it was, its the fact that I see the two little scrap's who survived at 23 weeks, (not so little in the boys case he is nearly 5' which is tall for a 9 yr old) I find it hard to get my head around the fact that these two survived and they were two weeks older.

I hope my last post makes sense.

trolleydolley - im not judging her, i wouldn't look at a woman going into an abortion clinic and think 'oh dear..that's not right...tut tut' i would think 'well she obviously has a good reason and it's the right option for her' which is exactly what i THINK about my friend. But what i FEEL is a different matter. I am trying to manage my feelings by talking about it on mumsnet rather than talking about it to my friend, which is completely inappropriate.
I don't resent her freedom - i am free, if by 'free' you mean not having children. my life doesn't involve making babies either yet.
the baby that i lost wasn't planned, after we lost the baby we have not yet decided to try for another one.

I am only applying my own morals to her in my head....not directly to her. I would never push my views onto her. Even if she had come to me when she was preg. and asked me what i think she should do i would have told her that it's up to her...and it's her choice and it doesn't matter what i think.

Please don't think I judge you, or her, or any woman who has had a termination.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling weird. The day I phoned a good friend to tell her I had just delivered DS (DS was an IVF baby and she knew how desperate I was to have children) she chose to tell me that she was PG (with her 3rd) and having a termination because she had just gotten her life back and didn't want another baby. I still see her. We are still friends but I feel weird about it all. The night she had the termination we spoke and she was a bit weepy but we have never mentioned it since. I know she made the decision that was right for her and her family at the time but it is hard not to feel a bit weird about it all even if you aren't judging.

It's not unreasonable that you feel like this as emotions are complex things. However I do think you are not in the right place to see things from your friends point of view. Don't beat yourself up just accept that your pg and subsequent mc has left a few emotional scars that will take time to heal.

The thing is how can you ever speak of it again. What am I supposed to say.
"Hey sis, how was your business trip to Chicago, how is your lovely husband. Heh just ringing you to say that I am thinking of you today, on what would of been D's 6th Birthday."
You can't can you.

I think YANBU because it's a massively emotive subject and I wonder whether any of us is entirely rational.
I've had great trouble conceiving over the years and the apparently cavalier way some women seem to just press delete on an unwanted pregnancy is just impossible to even get your head round when you've spent years of your life ttc!

But when I mc last time the woman who ran the EPAU told me that she worried most for the women who had numerous abortions because of the potential risk to their fertility. She said that many of these women were professional and able people not feckless lasses and yet somehow they didn't see the potential damage of repeated abortions.

I'm totally pro women having choice but not totally pro-choice as a form of contraception!

I had a miscarriage a few years ago with my first preganancy. I had that pessary thing, which didn't work so I was in hosp 3 days. On a general gynae (sp?) ward. Each morning there were more women coming in having the same treatment as me. However I could clearly tell from their conversations with whoever came to accompany them, or the nurses who talked to them about contraception when being discharged - these other girls were having terminations.
I was in the same bloody room as them all for 3 days and wanted to smash all their heads in.
But I didn't. Because everyone is different, and everyone takes different decisions, that are right for them at the time. You can't force someone else to have a baby just because you want one your self.

Sounds like she tried not to tell you but it slipped out after she'd had a drink tbh. Is that so bad?

panties, sorry but you are being a bit too involved in your sister's decisions. She will have found that abortion incredibly difficult. She will have had her own reasons. You are not being a good sister to be focusing on this as if it it were just some glib decision on her part. Do you know what a late termination involves?

The birthday thing is ridiculous.

Ithink you're stirring TBH

It's not unreasonable to havefeelings. You can't help your feelings, however angry and spiteful or selfish they may sometimes be (not calling you angry and spiteful OP, just speaking generally). You can help what you do with your feelings, ie if you feel angry with a friend for something that the friend didn't do deliberately to anger you, it's best not to share that anger with the friend or try to do something to the friend.
It's understandable that you feel bad about your friend's termination - understandable that anyone who has been TTC for ages or had a MC feels furious and resentful around women who choose to terminate: but what they do with their bodies doesn;t affect what happens to your body. In time, you will feel less raw around the whole subject, but at present it's probably best to stay off it and steer a bit clear of the friend if you can do so without making it seem obvious that you don't want to be around her.

Pantiesandsussies
I had mine at 23 weeks.
Maybe it could have survived, I know that but I didn't want another baby, I never have. I had a mirena coil, I didn't show and I didn't know at all untill 19 weeks. I had to wait another 4 to get the abortion. I was told there is one clinic in this country that does late, elective abortion on the NHS and it's in London.
Given what I'd been called by my best friend, and given she lived 2 doors away I had to carry on normally for 4 weeks on my own. I had to go all that way (I'm in Scotland) on my own, spend 3 days there and leave the clinic an hour after GA (2 in 2 days) and sit in Victoria station, bleeding heavily and in pain for 11 hours waiting for my overnight bus home.
Perhaps I'm heartless and a total bitch, or perhaps I made the best decision for myself, my now ex bf(who is great btw, it just didn't work out) and my daughter.
I have no regrets but I think doing what I did was punishment enough and I have to live with those memories forever.

Monkey, She fell pregnant and seemed really excited, she found out she was having a girl and got a nursery ready for the baby and gave her a name. She got offered a promotion which involved a move, then when her husband said great we are moving to Leeds, she told him that she was moving with her boyfriend of a month, not him and had arranged a private abortion. I don't get it I suppose, I am sorry you think I am stirring, I didn't want to. Also, I never say to her that I am ringing because it would of been her child's birthday, (which is a week before my dd's) I just ring her.
The new fella and her split up 2 yr's later and she is now married again to her first husband. I apologise again. It's just like I said before the timing is what I find difficult.

I think she sounds all wrpaped up in her exciting life and hasn't stopped to think about how you might be feeling. She tried to talk you into having an abortion, did she know she was pregnant then and was planning a termination? I also don't see why she even had to tell you in the first place.

Muggglewump, you decided right from the off, what you wanted to do. Dsis on the other hand wanted one thing (so it seemed) for 4 months and then changed her mind. I have never understood that. Like I said earlier; I am pro choice. I suppose for me its just that I thought I knew my sister. I hope i haven't offended you mugglewump, I was talking about my sister and her choice, not anyone else.
Good luck and best wishes.

You haven't offended me at all.
I think I get a bit militant about being pro choice, moreso because I've been there.
Your sister had her reasons and still had to go through it though, I think you have to realise it doesn't affect you really, in childbearing terms.
That's not to say I don't think you can't be upset, but it's tough.
She must have gone private I'm thinking then?

Actually, i dont think you are being unreasonable. I am pro choice, my best friend had an abortion because her husband used to beat her and a baby would have been terrible for her. I could never have an abortion unless there were serious abnormalities, i am all for the time limit to be lowered too. But i supported my friend, who unfortunately suffered terribly in her head after this, she had no choice really but beat herself up terribly over it (that makes me sad).

I dont know your friend and can only see your side of the story - i think she did a terrible thing trying to talk you out of having your baby (why would someone do that??) and i am so very sorry that he/she died. This information is something she should have kept to herself. She doesnt sound like someone i would choose as a friend, abortion is not a form of contraception!

two distinct issues here 1your unfortunate MC, such a dreadful thing 2 friend had TOP.unfortunately this is all still so so raw for you

don't cut her off completely, just have a bit of distance.obviously her TOP evokes strong emotions in you. maybe short term have limited contact to reduce chance of upset on either side

But she of course is entitled to make her choices too, as unpalatable or raw as you currently find them. this may change

and don't assume just because she is smiling dating a new man that she does feel bad.

denial is a powerful coping strategy

Panties and hussies. You make an excellent point. I won't condemn a woman for choosing an abortion when that's the only option she is comfortable with. But 21 wks!!! FFS!! Get your shit together woman. Pee on stick at say five weeks, termination before 10 wks.

What most woman planning a termination want is not a termination. What they want is not to be pregnant

notabanana - no, when she was trying to talk me into having an abortion, that was a year ago when i was pg. she had a termination about a month ago now i think.
also i don't think she was drunk when she told me, i just asked why i hadn't seen her much in the last little while and that i'd missed her and she said she's been at home alot..and i was like yeah me too..and she said 'well there's a reason why i've been at home' and the conversation went on from there...

OP what I'm about to say doesn't mean that I'm trying to be cruel to you, far from it. I actually understand you very well, even though I've never had fertility issues and I've never had an abortion. What I totally understand though, is that other people getting on with their normal life around you have the ability to heighten your pain.

I won't go into my story again, because I've recently had to change my screen name. But I could be having coffee at a friend's house, she might be happily married to a lovely, faithful, intelligent, friendly man, she has a lovely home, she has no money worries, her children are all gorgeous. If I let it, that could make me feel 2 inches high. She's still my friend though. Her life worked out so much better than mine, but I don't blame her. I blame I don't know... Life, Murphy's law, myself, ??????? You have to blame Mother nature. You can't blame your friend.

I hope that you get pregnant and carry a baby full term. Believe me, my life is a bagoshite on paper, but one thing I'm glad of is that I don't seem to feel angry when other people have what I want. I just wish I had it all too.