Pre-wedding email. Bit weird?

[bookworm8500]

Invited to a colleague's wedding evening do and had an email come through to all guests (unless it has just come to me 🤣). Maybe I've just hit the nail on the head 🤣

It states, amongst loads of other instructions, that,

'A small buffet will be provided. This is for all guests to enjoy, so please be considerate with your portion sizes'.

I've never seen anything like that before! AIBU to find that very weird to be on a pre-wedding email?!

So only invite those you can afford to host?!
Sending a rude message to warn guests in advance that there’ll be short rations so mind not to make pigs of themselves is outrageous, really.

Exactly. I’ve been to weddings where’s there’s 140 guests and weddings where’s there’s 40. And people would look to budget around entertainment, flowers, dresses, venue etc. but guests would always be fed.

ireland like the UK would have people from all classes of society and walks of life with budgets to match but a sit down meal would be customary. A half arsed buffet that can’t cater the guests just wouldn’t cut it.

So only invite those you can afford to host?!
Sending a rude message to warn guests in advance that there’ll be short rations so mind not to make pigs of themselves is outrageous, really.

Ignore previous post, sent too soon and on phone so can't edit

So only invite those you can afford to host?!
Sending a rude message to warn guests in advance that there’ll be short rations so mind not to make pigs of themselves is outrageous, really.

So you think it's better to leave some people out altogether just so those who do get invited have carte blanche to stuff themselves? That's a lovely attitude,

Weddings are supposed to be about celebrating a marriage. The food should be incidental to that.

You need to cut your cloth accordingly. Leaving people hungry is not an option.

So you can invite less people (no work people, no extras for an evening do etc.) It’s perfectly fine to have a small wedding. Or you cut the budget elsewhere - village hall instead of fancy hotel for example. There are ways to do this without sending a rude email

I don’t think it has anything to do with budget per se for this couple. I bet they’ve spent money elsewhere and are being tight with the food and that is the issue here.

Weddings are supposed to be about celebrating a marriage.

And if you invite guests to celebrate that wedding with you and go to the expense and inconvenience of attending the least you can do is feed them. You set your budget accordingly. Don’t have it in a 5 star venue then expect your guests to settle for a dry bread roll or left over spoonful of rice because you’ve under catered.

Some silly exaggerations here. But I have to say, if this approach to food weeds out people who consider attending someone's wedding an 'inconvenience', perhaps the hypothetical bride and groom would be doing themselves a favour. 'The least you can do'? You make attending a wedding sound like some sort of ordeal that the couple has to make it up to the guests for deigning to do.

Well if I have the expense of a wedding (outfit, travel, gift, possible hotel stay dependent on location), have to organise child care and potentially take leave from work yes I absolutely expect to be fed.

And as I said just to be clear, I’m Irish in Ireland where what I’ve stated is the norm. You invite guests you feed them.

So yes if the bride and groom deign that I’m not worth an invite because I expect to be hosted accordingly then more power to them. And id rather not go

Weddings are supposed to be about celebrating a marriage. The food should be incidental to that.

You cannot ask people to give up their time and in many cases incur a great deal of expense to attend an event where they're what - standing and watching you and ooh-ing and ahh-ing for hours and any practical needs (food, drink, comfort etc) are set aside. Would you seriously expect that of someone who made the effort for you?

Can you just confirm - you think it's totally okay to send a message out like the one the OP received?

Yes, pretty much. It isn't a case of food not being provided or even insufficient food being provided, which certain pps seem to have extrapolated from my posts when I never said that. Of course there needs to be plenty for guests to eat at a wedding, and of course leaving anyone hungry isn't OK. I just think people could be making incorrect assumptions that the couple have under-catered. Guests are simply being reminded to be considerate towards others, and I'm assuming this is because they know some of the people they are inviting are prone to taking more than their share. I don't see why anyone who doesn't fall into that category needs to take the request personally or decide to get all huffy about it.

Some people seem to think any buffet is by default an all-you-can-eat buffet, and if it wasn't for their selfish behaviour I'm sure there would be plenty to go round. I can't imagine any bride and groom deliberately not catering adequately. Portions are rationed when a sit-down meal is provided, why should a buffet be any different?

Some of these replies, though, give me the impression that when some people attend a wedding it's not really about the couple for them. Acting like they're doing the couple a favour by deigning to turn up at all, and that the food is all that makes it bearable. Personally when DH and I got married (when there was plenty of food at the buffet, incidentally) if I'd thought it was such an ordeal for any of our guests to come and celebrate with us, and that a few vol-au-vents were all that was making it bearable to endure our wedding, I'd have probably preferred them not to attend. Happily on the day we certainly weren't aware of any of them having turned up with that attitude, but judging by this thread, who knows?

It’s not primarily about the quantity of food, (although, yes, deliberately under catering any sort of party/gathering is appalling), it’s the fact that they pre warned guests not to make pigs of themselves.
Would you do that? Would you be happy to receive such an email?
Nobody with an ounce of class would have sent it in the first place.

To be clear my response were to the numerous posts on this thread where people have attended UK weddings and been left hungry. I think that's shameful. Whether it be under catering, greedy guests, whatever I personally think there's no excuse. You invite X amount of guests, cater accordingly whether that's a sit down meal or a buffet.

I think a wedding works both ways, the bride and groom are are kind enough to extend an invitation and the guest is reciprocating that kindness when they accept and become part of the day.

To your point about the food being the only thing making it bearable, nope completely missed the mark. The food is a part of it as it the ceremony, the reception, the catching up, entertainment. BUT if I was left hungry then it would be 'unbearable'. I couldn't enjoy the rest of the day as it would be spoiled by hunger. See the difference.

This doesn't have anything to do with class or lack thereof, in my personal opinion. As I've stated in previous posts, I wouldn't be offended to receive something like that because I'd know it wasn't aimed at me.

I have no judgement to make about anyone who feels it necessary if they happen to know that one or two individuals are likely to take more than their fair share. Mainly because in their shoes, I'd far rather that than other guests ending up hungry because Uncle Fred can't control himself. If we'd had people we knew to be Uncle Freds attending our wedding, I think we'd have been more likely to get the venue staff to portion out certain items, as I agree with pps who've said a request to be considerate is likely to go over the head of 'offenders' anyway. But I genuinely don't think the email is anything egregious. I just think there are a lot of 'professionally offended' people around these days.

Just to be clear, I agree it's not OK if anyone's left hungry. Of course it's not. But the email is an attempt to ensure that doesn't happen. This doesn't necessarily scream 'we've under-catered' to me. If anything, I'd say perhaps the couple are worrying/over-thinking things a little. Most venues will know how much food to put on given the numbers attending.

Some of these replies, though, give me the impression that when some people attend a wedding it's not really about the couple for them. Acting like they're doing the couple a favour by deigning to turn up at all, and that the food is all that makes it bearable

Not really. A bizarre interpretation.

People have had shocking experiences at weddings by overentitled bride and grooms who believe they've done people a favour by inviting them and not been delighted so many people cared to turn up.

I can't even decide which B&G is the rudest - it's a tough field. But I think it might have to be the ones who flew off in a helicopter (before their starving guests had a chance to riot, me thinks.)

actually that might have been on this thread: Page 10 | What’s your strangest ‘wedding food’ related story | Mumsnet

We celebrated our marriage by throwing a big party for our guests. Looking after your guests by making sure they have enough food and drink is not incidental, it is fundamental party etiquette.

Absolutely, which is why I've not said anything to the contrary. I'm simply challenging the assumption that the b&g have under-catered. Obviously it's not OK if they have, but none of us know.

But by sending out that email it clearly is a worry that there may not be enough food for all their guests. Where that worry stems from who knows? Are they worrying because they're not planning to cater for all invited or they know mad aunty Mary is coming, who's been know to take a weeks worth of food for her whippets and stash in her bag

The point is make sure there's enough to begin with. Thats their responsibility when they choose to invite people to the reception. Don't put the onus on your guests and make them feel like their restricted on how much they eat (and I'm not talking about greed or excessive amounts of food) for fear they're taking too much.

Surely if the bride and groom are worried about specific people they ensure that say buffet is served-so someone offers you 2 sandwiches or a choice of 1 hot item. Then pick one desert.

Buffets are tricky as it's unclear how many items they are expecting you to eat. And have choice too so you are unclear -am I allowed an and b or is it enough for everyone to just have one if a or b.

If you know person x and y are issues -put them on the last table to go up/put food on their table.

Don't make everyone else feel awkward and probably-mostly women -take far less food to avoid issues if looking greedy.

This reminds me of a wedding I went to many years ago. They had a buffet as the main after wedding meal. You was allowed one item each off the table. After an hour or so more food got put out and my daughter wanted something but the bride shouted at her and told that food is not for anyone at the wedding only for evening guests. We left promptly after that followed by many others. We were starving.
It's not uncommon.

Did you let people know what the portion size was?