MIL upset that we're not speaking to SIL

[GottaLoveABiscuit]

I'm probably a bit old to be still lurking around here as my son is now 23 but he is autistic and still lives at home. We all share many family issues so am looking for some advice. Apologies for the length but this is the abridged version!

My SIL has never been the best communicator and I have always said that she is the most self absorbed and ungrateful person I have ever met. Over the 40 years I've known her this has largely been ignored by everyone and if anything her parents still make excuses for her.

For context we live 200 miles away, I have fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis everywhere and my husband has Parkinson's disease. We do what we can and it's safe to say that we spend more time in FIL's house than she does.

Last year DFIL (85) became very ill for the second time in 6 months resulting in a lengthy hospital stay and the involvement of social services and carers. She only visited him once in hospital for a whole ten minutes and never offered any help at home. His wife, who has health issues of her own, managed everything with the help of her daughter who lives an hour away. DH was furious that she never offered any help at all - the irony of it is that she is a social worker who, until a couple of years ago, worked with the elderly.

Jump to February and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was fortunate in that it was the 'good' kind and it was dealt with by surgery and radiotherapy and due to the wonders of the NHS the cancer is gone. I now have one boob significantly smaller than the other and I'm on drugs for 5 years with crap side effects but obviously it could be worse!

My sister in law has never once asked me how I am or how we were managing. No phone calls or even text messages to either of us. My husband went to pieces when I received the diagnosis and that got worse until I had my surgery. That seriously affected his Parkinson's symptoms. It was a very trying time while we constantly waited for test results and I struggled to decide whether to have a lumpectomy or mastectomy.
On the whole we learnt that people are very kind and supportive, even people we hardly know.

Back in September we were at a family party and she didn't speak to us at all, never mind asking us how things are. My husband then decided that that was her last chance and he no longer feels we should make any effort with her or include her in any plans.

With Christmas approaching we have made arrangements for meals with the rest of my husband's family but not included SIL. We have already 'missed' her birthday which seems to have passed without comment. MIL (who spends a lot of time with her - holidays, Christmas etc) wants us to invite her and thinks we are being unreasonable.

We just feel that out lives are challenging enough without having to bother with someone who clearly doesn't give a flying @@c@ about us. Are we the ones in the wrong here?

You reap what you sow.

Nope, leave her out with a clear conscience. Just because there is some shared DNA doesn’t excuse that kind of behaviour over a number of years.

Your MiL can feel whatever she wants about the situation. The crux of the matter is that she hasn't even reached out to her brother during all this time to find out how he is doing.

Your DH will have to state really clearly to his mother that this is not the time for interventions or anything of the sort and that she has had many many opportunities to ask after you both, to step up basically and she hasn't so if she wasn't related to him by blood he really wouldn't be having anything further to do with her at all and his mother will just have to accept that. She is free to meet with her daughter but neither he nor you will be at any of these gatherings going forwards.

I'm glad that you're in remission for your cancer and that the treatment is working. I'm sorry that life has dealt you the hand it has.

Well, I don't blame her at all for not offering care to her father. That's really sensible of her. Sick, elderly people can be very hard to take care of, and middle-aged sons and daughters need to protect their own health.
There are countless threads on here where women are run ragged, trying to look after their elderly parents.

Do you think she's picked up on your disapproval over this, and is angry with you for questioning why she didn't get involved with caring for her father? Because really, it's her choice, and as a social worker, she's probably seen families torn apart because one person thinks another person ought to do more.

You're not in the wrong. I would just not bother about her at all. Sounds lie a very entitled person. MIL can go to hers at Christmas if she wants! I'd tell her that to. Just live your life and forget her.

I'm not sure anyone is "in the wrong". I see both sides of the coin.

I've never got along with my SIL. I've been married for 30 years and we're both in our 50s. I could list as long as your arm (and then some!) of all the times she's been rude/hurtful/sarcastic to me. I spent most of my 20s not talking to her, having one or two really explosive arguments. My DH was very close to his family back then and he didn't want to get involved, so I made it my own mission to hate the woman on my own. That probably went on for the rest of our relationship really...although we settled on being polite at family gatherings, parties, Christmas etc. But we both knew if we saw each other in sainsburys, we'd both turn our heel and walk the other way.

Forward to the last 10 years ish where my both my ILs have passed away and she showed her true colours to my dh, her brother, and he cut her off completely. I haven't seen her in those 10 years ....until I literally saw her in sainsburys a few weeks ago. I felt really sorry for her actually. She was very nice to me, very polite to me, she seemed pretty remorseful about everything that had happened between everyone. I was polite and kind back but didn't really want to get into massive conversations, she'd caught me on the hop, I had my granddaughter with me, I just kept saying it's all water on the bridge. Which it is. I'm a lot softer about her now since that meeting...but it doesn't take away 30 plus years of hurt. But I'm older and wiser too and I accept that I was mean to her as well.

On the other side of the coin, I do see your MIL POV. I'm a MIL and it's not an easy gig...no matter how hard I try. And I really do! At the end of the day as mums we just want our family together and we just want everyone to get on. I'd be devastated if my adult kids didn't get on, didn't want to see each other etc. It's just not the way we want our families and kids to be.

The older I get, the more I want "a softer life". I don't want anyone to be unkind to me, especially my own family...I want to support all my family...I don't ask much? Anything? From my family day to day, week on week, month by month...but I'd like us to celebrate the bigger things in life together. I get why you're MIL feels upset

Don't blame you. It doesn't sound as though you have any meaningful relationship with her. She might not even care.

No doubt your MIL believes your SIL should be included because she's family, well she doesn't behave like family, she really doesn't seem to care about you at all. Your MIL will want all her DC to get on regardless but this isn't her decision.
I hope your health is improving Op and you have a happy Christmas

One where I'd like to hear the other side.

I don't think SIL is obligated to look after her parents and her being a social worker doesn't mean she's more obligated to. Might mean she's had enough of looking after the older generation in her day job. It's fine for the two of you not to get on and better that she keeps a distance rather than causes drama or feigns interest when there's nothing between you. It might've been simpler to just rub along and accept the way things are rather than expecting something that was never going to happen and then causing this issue for the rest of the family who presumably do like her and don't want to have to choose between you. But it's up to you of course. Yanbu to not see her if it's unbearable for you. But MIL is not going to go off her DD and agree with you based on the reasons you've outlined.

Yes.

I'd love to hear the SIL's side on this one.

Hmmm.

I have a severe disability following an accident.

None of my in laws reached out to me at all following the accident - except that FIL says I shouldn't take painkillers because they were bad for me (for context it was a bad accident and as a result I can barely walk despite endless physio and use a wheelchair).

You say your DH was furious she didn't help with the parents. I do think that's pretty unreasonable. The standard advice to people with elderly parents is that they can drag you in and they'll rely on you rather than develop independence. So it's better to be at least a little detached.

Why didn't you and your DH help? I see you say you have fibro and osteoarthritis and he has Parkinson's but presumably you are therefore better aware of the system to get help and could have offered advice at the very least. I speak as someone with severe disabilities myself.

It does read a bit as if your DH is furious because he expected the women to step up while doing nothing himself. I hope that wasn't how it was.

I would not be cutting off a relative in these circumstances. I suspect your DH and to some extent you feel that caring is women's work and are pissed off she won't play.

Elderly care is complicated and it's never as simple as not helping makes you a bad person. Not everyone is cut out to be a practical carer and social services were involved. With siblings I think you have to accept that just because you want to care for your parents it doesn't mean you can expect the same from siblings that might feel differently.

I agree, I've spent 30 years not liking my SIL..I'd say in my 20s I positively hated the woman...but I think we did just rub along together in our 30s onwards. It seemed a wasted energy to be "off" at weddings, parties, christmas, funerals etc. It was the only time I saw her and I'm an adult, I know how to pleasantly pass the time of day. We both knew we didn't like each other but we both knew how to play the game.

I adored my MIL I got on very well with her. As now a MIL myself, I realise how difficult it must have been for her. this is her own DD we're talking about. She never made me feel bad or wasn't gracious about it to me and really she could have been really quite off with me about it.

I think if you're asking MIL to pick (I didnt) but she's always going to pick and defend her own kids.

I’m assuming this is a joke post? Who on earth doesn’t look after their own flesh and blood? How ungrateful!

@GottaLoveABiscuit it's a bit rich that your husband is furious that his sister didn't drop everything to become their father's carer, when your husband also didn't drop everything to become their father's carer.

I realise that your husband is disabled, and lives a long way away, but did the pair of you offer time and money to arrange private carers for your FIL?

I also see that FIL's wife and her DD did some caring.

Is it a tradition in your family that only women can be carers, or only women are even expected to be carers?

It isn't a joke post.

Middle-aged women frequently destroy their own health caring for elderly parents, often at a time when they still have children at school, and full-time jobs of their own.

...........the irony of it is that she is a social worker who, until a couple of years ago, worked with the elderly

Which is precisely why she decided to step back and not become the default carer for her father.

She knew, from experience, how that pans out.

@Lovelylilylane I am curious to why do you think this a joke post?

We didn't expect SIL to become his carer at all but she has never even called to see how they are doing. The second time he was taken in to hospital it sounded so bad that we dropped everything and went straight there. We also helped out with social services and arranging shopping etc and I am in constant touch with his wife's daughter about what they need.

My husband is not in a position to be anyone's carer as how is someone who sometimes can't walk or dress himself supposed to care for someone else? Money is not an issue but when people are frightened and overwhelmed they need emotional support as much as the practical help.

We have always got on in the past and as I said this is the abridged version.

Yes. Clearly, @Lovelylilylane has never had the relentless burden of elderly care placed on her shoulders, just because she's a relative, and because she's there, and because she's female.

You obviously don't know much about Parkinson's as how is someone who sometimes can't walk or dress himself supposed to care for someone else?

Obviously he wouldn't be able to do any caring himself.

But he has no right to be annoyed that his sister has drawn boundaries for herself.
That is her choice, and she's entitled to make that decision.

Hang on. Is your FIL's wife her mother os stepmother?

Could there bad blood there as to why?

Anyway, probably sensible to not burn herself out with further care.

I'd consider the care thing as something separate. The fact that she takes no interest in either of you is what would make me not want to bother.

Yes. However, maybe she senses their disapproval over her refusal to take on the burden of care.