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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My male friend - is he being supportive or controlling

69 replies

pussinboots61 · 31/10/2024 13:01

My very good friend who I am very close to is supporting me with my mental health. He is very good and supportive but tends to go off on a tangent on Messenger, whereas face to face he is the most understanding person you could meet.

I often go for a coffee after work because I don't like going straight home. I love my home but I don't like being there too early My friend is trying to help me with my home life, keeping it organised with my cats and getting my tea ready. I have started just going for a coffee on Fridays after work as an end of week treat unless I finish work early.

Last night we all had to finish work early, I had got an upset stomach and when I left work I didn't want to get straight on a bus anyway so I went for a coffee, used the toilet there and got settled with my laptop and my stomach felt better.

When I was on my way home my friend messaged me and asked me where I was, I said I was on my way home, he asked if I had missed a lot of buses. I told him I had had to leave work early, had an upset stomach and went for a coffee. I then went round to see my neighbour for half an hour. When I got back to my flat there was a message from him saying that it is no good him supporting me if I want to spend my evenings in coffee shops wasting time when I could be home having my tea early and sorting myself out.

To cut a long story short he said he might aswell not support me anymore and said he won't mention it again. I went to bed upset with a valium.

I know he will be OK when I see him face to face and he will apologise but I am more stressed about his messages now and feeling I am treading on eggshells.

OP posts:

Fireworknight · 31/10/2024 13:06

I’m not sure he’s being controlling, but I don’t think he was very supportive. His message was very patronising and condescending. It’s good he’s helping you out, but you don’t owe him anything. You’re allowed to make your own descesions and choices.

FetchezLaVache · 31/10/2024 13:07

This man is NOT supporting you with your mental health. You describe yourself as "stressed" and "treading on eggshells" and having to take a valium after a text message exchange with him.

He is being extremely inappropriate to criticise your decision to go for a coffee. My bet would be that he has used the whole "helping with your MH" thing as a way of learning how to press your buttons and look how good he is at that. Please consider distancing yourself.

Hufflemuff · 31/10/2024 13:09

Bit weird, it's not like he's helping you with an alcohol problem and you're popping into the pub! It's a bloody coffee!

I'd scale back the contact a bit, make sure he comes to you rather than the other way around for a while.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 31/10/2024 13:10

He’s clearly got into a white knight habit and now expects you to behave in the same patterns as before.
It is codependency and it’s not good for either of you.
He has obviously been very helpful but it’s now time for you to say thank you and discuss moving to a new normal.
For him, he may feel slighted that after providing support that you now want to do wild, crazy things like have a coffee or visit a neighbour.
Be prepared for him to have a strop. You may have to cope without him.

2024onwardsandup · 31/10/2024 13:11

Was he at your house making tea for you?

Rainbow1901 · 31/10/2024 13:15

That isn't being supportive - or if it is - it is on his terms! You are making your own decisions which affect you - if you have animals to care for then you must remember that you are responsible for their health and well-being - not your friend. So go for your coffee but keep in mind you have animals waiting to welcome home.
If his messages are unsettling you then maybe he isn't the best to have in your support network especially if you feel you need to take medication if he upsets you. He should be pleased that you have gone to see a neighbour and that you are working - both have their own contribution to your self worth and a wider circle of people to mix with other than this guy. He sounds a little too invested in your life.

Diaryfear · 31/10/2024 13:15

I don't know, I'd like to hear his version.

He seems to be giving you an awful lot of time. I doubt this relationship is particularly helpful for either of you tbh.

BobbyBiscuits · 31/10/2024 13:17

It sounds like he's quite bossy. Seemingly speaking to to as if you're a child.
'you should be indoors having your tea and sorting yourself out'? What does that even mean? Why does he care when you eat your meals. Going for a coffee is totally normal and it sounds like he's made you feel guilty about it. You so heavily trying to justify in your post why you chose to go for coffee.
You can go for fifty coffees a day if you like! Tell him you appreciate his help but 'don't appreciate being dictated to or being told the things I enjoy are a waste of my time'.
If he's a real friend he will be supportive, not seemingly controlling. Though it could be part of his personality, he may well have his own issues.
You deserve to do whatever makes you happy, without judgement from him or anyone else.

toomuchfaff · 31/10/2024 13:17

You say he is supporting you with your mental health, what qualifies him to do so? I say that because I'm not qualified, so I've no idea how best to support someone with MH problems, if he is, my response is going to be very different.

However, if like me he is unqualified, then I echo other responses saying nope.

Boobygravy · 31/10/2024 13:20

What he should be saying.

Sorry to hear that.
Hope you feel better soon.

OrsolaRosso · 31/10/2024 13:21

I think that you have every right to go for a coffee after work. However, if he is at your house, cooking you tea and expecting you back at a certain time, then it would be courteous to let him know that you will be late back.
He may be feeling a little bit taken for granted?

Snowfalling · 31/10/2024 13:24

FetchezLaVache · 31/10/2024 13:07

This man is NOT supporting you with your mental health. You describe yourself as "stressed" and "treading on eggshells" and having to take a valium after a text message exchange with him.

All of this. reduce contact with him and see if your mental health improves, I'm willing to bet it does. Tell him you're reducing contact and won't be asking him to help anymore, to protect your mental health, he can hardly argue with that

Ohthatsabitshit · 31/10/2024 13:30

Was he waiting at your house to help you? What form does his support usually take?
he said he might aswell not support me anymore and said he won't mention it again
You could always just reply with a thumbs up?

hadenoughofplayinggames · 31/10/2024 13:34

Hang on - are you saying this man was in your home sorting out your cats and making your dinner? Because if so I totally see his point. Surely you could be home doing that yourself instead of fannying about in coffee shops while he does it for you?

Why is he making your dinner anyway? This sounds like a very odd set-up.

Daleksatemyshed · 31/10/2024 13:39

There's a fine line between helping and interfering Op, your friend has crossed that line. He's helped out with household stuff but that doesn't mean you have to go home the same time every day or tell him where you're going, he's your friend, not your Dad. I'd stop letting him go in the house when you're not at home, he's getting a bit too comfortable there. Maybe time to tell him you want to help yourself, thanks for all his help but you'll take it from here

BloodyAdultDC · 31/10/2024 13:46

hadenoughofplayinggames · 31/10/2024 13:34

Why is he making your dinner anyway? This sounds like a very odd set-up.

This.

I've supported a very close friend through some really difficult MH times and if I felt for one moment she was taking advantage I would absolutely call her out on it.

Your friend is looking after your home, your cats and is making tea for you, yet you think it's ok to go AWOL after work 'for a while' to drink coffee? I get it, I sometimes have to sit in my car on the drive to psych myself up to go indoors and start the evening, but I think you're taking the piss. You're not treading on eggshells, you're feeling guilty as fuck for using your friend.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 31/10/2024 14:37

It is a very strange set up.

Why is this man in your home, looking after your pet and making your meal? What does he get out of it? what is his motivation?
Is he hoping for a romantic / sexual relationship?
Is he managing your money or accessing your money?

Why would you let a friend do all this for you? It is not normal for a "friend" to be in your home cooking your meal, unless it is your birthday. This person is not your parent, why do you allow him to do this?

Stop letting him do this and start looking after yourself.
Re-set the friendship by insisting that you only meet outside your home, doing the sorts of things normal friends do out and about, or very occasionally at his house for coffee, say no more than once every 3 months at his house.

If he has a key, get it back or change the locks.

ItGhoul · 31/10/2024 14:51

My friend is trying to help me with my home life, keeping it organised with my cats and getting my tea ready

Do you actually need help to look after your cats and prepare yourself an evening meal? Because personally, I think that's a very big ask of a friend.

It is, of course, not up to your friend to tell you when you should and shouldn't be having a coffee after work - that's entirely your business. But I can see why he might be wondering why he's having to organise your home life, cats and meals while you're relaxing in a coffee shop.

In other words, yes, I think he's being a bit controlling, but I also think you probably can't expect someone to provide you with that much support solely on your terms, so I think you need to try to be a lot less reliant on him. If you can manage your home life without him, now is the time to start doing that.

getthosetitsup · 31/10/2024 15:00

Is he supporting you with your mental health, or are you supporting him with his? It sounds like he likes his routine and doesn't react well to you disturbing it.

Naunet · 31/10/2024 16:19

I’m confused by this too, I don’t understand why helping you with your mental health means policing what time you get home, unless he’s there having made you dinner and looked after your cats?

Naunet · 31/10/2024 16:20

Also, how did he know you left work early?

UnNiddeRides · 31/10/2024 16:29

The OP told him she left early. I think he asked she had missed a lot of buses because she was later than usual, having been in a cafe on her laptop & then visiting a neighbour.

BeMintBee · 31/10/2024 16:42

I don’t know there is probably quite a back story here if your mental health needs are such the extent that you need support getting your own tea and feeding your cats. Sounds like this has turned into more of a parent/child dynamic and I think whether he’s completely out of line depends on just how much support you need from him.

Either way it’s not a healthy friendship dynamic for either of you.

Getreadytime · 31/10/2024 16:46

Did you arrange for him to go to your house and make your tea? How did he get in? How often does he do this? Did you know he was going to be there but went to the coffee shop anyway?

Seems an odd set-up if you didn’t agree to it.

Naunet · 31/10/2024 16:50

UnNiddeRides · 31/10/2024 16:29

The OP told him she left early. I think he asked she had missed a lot of buses because she was later than usual, having been in a cafe on her laptop & then visiting a neighbour.

She only told him she left early AFTER he started questioning her though. I can only assume he must have been at hers and she was later than normal for him to start sending her texts asking if she had missed buses.

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