My male friend - is he being supportive or controlling

[pussinboots61]

My very good friend who I am very close to is supporting me with my mental health. He is very good and supportive but tends to go off on a tangent on Messenger, whereas face to face he is the most understanding person you could meet.

I often go for a coffee after work because I don't like going straight home. I love my home but I don't like being there too early My friend is trying to help me with my home life, keeping it organised with my cats and getting my tea ready. I have started just going for a coffee on Fridays after work as an end of week treat unless I finish work early.

Last night we all had to finish work early, I had got an upset stomach and when I left work I didn't want to get straight on a bus anyway so I went for a coffee, used the toilet there and got settled with my laptop and my stomach felt better.

When I was on my way home my friend messaged me and asked me where I was, I said I was on my way home, he asked if I had missed a lot of buses. I told him I had had to leave work early, had an upset stomach and went for a coffee. I then went round to see my neighbour for half an hour. When I got back to my flat there was a message from him saying that it is no good him supporting me if I want to spend my evenings in coffee shops wasting time when I could be home having my tea early and sorting myself out.

To cut a long story short he said he might aswell not support me anymore and said he won't mention it again. I went to bed upset with a valium.

I know he will be OK when I see him face to face and he will apologise but I am more stressed about his messages now and feeling I am treading on eggshells.

This sounds very much like he only wants to help if you do things the way HE wants you to do them. If you don't follow his lead to the letter, he will get annoyed with you and withdraw care.

He will expect you to roll over and say you'll try harder etc, and probably expect you to apologise for something you don't need to apologise for. My advice to you would be to step back from him for a while.

If he has any kind of negative reaction, you did the right thing. An actual friend would give you whatever space you needed.

I recommend finding a handyman and getting an automatic cat feeder. Life is too short to waste on people who try to control how you spend your free time.

In your initial post you stated he texted to ask where you were. That makes it sound like was in your home (possibly cooking a meal and taking care of the cats) and was wondering why you were “late” arriving back.

So that isn’t the case? Does he just randomly text you asking where you are like some Victorian father? If so, I agree that is too much.

Is it me?
I can't make head or tail of this post.

I think there needs to be some boundaries here, on both sides. Because this situation isn’t ideal for either of you. It sounds like he’s offering his support on the basis that you either follow his instructions to the letter or he withdraws completely. It’s almost like he doesn’t understand that there is a middle ground where he can be supportive but not go as far as running your life for you.

And I think that this is where he needs to set boundaries with you. When you’re asking him for support, are you framing it as you’re drowning, you can’t cope and can’t manage without him? Because he might be seeing it as he drops everything and gives up a large amount of his time to help you do things around the house and function in your day to day life, and then two days later, you’re doing the same things you were doing before, that caused you to not function well. He must be feeling frustrated and wondering what the point is.

I think the only way to solve this is to stop relying on him quite as much. If you’re struggling with spending time at home, either identify why and concentrate on that, or take food out with you so you’re not having dinner at 11pm. If your cats need to be fed at a certain time and you’re struggling with that, maybe it’s time to assess whether you’re in the right frame of mind to be a pet owner right now. Stop telling him every single time you’re struggling with something because he will try and fix it for you. And then both of you will end up frustrated with the other and you’ll lose his support entirely.

How much time do you spend with him where he’s simply being your friend. You’re not telling him what you’re struggling with and he’s not trying to organise you into doing stuff you don’t want to do?

Advice on what, though?

Recipes? Timings?

Surely it's none of his business what you cook, or when.

I don't get the sense he is controlling per se, it's more like he's slipped into support worker mode and you've let him. It's hard to read who's enabling who here.

If you truly need that support, get a carer or a support worker from somewhere else - a paid one. Also, establish boundaries with your friend and ensure he knows that while you welcome support and advice when asked, you don't need or want it otherwise. If he cant understand that or fights it in any way including guilt trip texts then id defo step the fuck back and cut him out.

OP, what were the circumstances that first led to you asking his advice and support to manage your home life?

Was it something like: you didn’t like being at home in the evening for MH reasons, so you were staying out but that meant that you weren’t eating properly and your cats were getting a bit neglected? Maybe causing damage in your home?

It sounds like the support arrangement has perhaps run its course. From your perspective, you don’t like having to account for your movements. That’s understandable. From his perspective, it can be really frustrating giving a friend quite intensive support if the friend is unwilling or unable to take some responsibility for changing the things that they say are causing them difficulties.

Same. They both sound completely over involved with one another for no good reason, him wanting her to follow a routine and her treading on eggshells around his messages. Why do each of them care about the others business/opinion so much?

It’s very strange. OP I’d work on independence and establishing your own routines that work best for you. Do this with your GP or a therapist if needs be, someone professional.

On the face of it, he does sound like a simpering white knight (or even an incel/ 'nice guy's) awaiting his reward but running out of patience.
On the flip side, maybe he does feel taken for granted and used or that the friendship is one way street. Would you be there for him if he was having a MH crisis (assuming he's not already), or dismiss him as needy or creepy?

Ok so reading your update, it sounds like he is giving you what he thinks is good advice to help with those organisational issues, but that he gets snippy when you don’t take it?

Is there a reason why you don’t like to get in too early? Sounds like he thinks you aren’t leaving yourself enough time to do the jobs you need to do, and that, in his opinion, this might be a source of the stress and difficulties you are having.

So what you need to consider is whether you do think it’s a question of not leaving yourself enough time, or if you think his advice is not necessary in this respect.

Where he does sound unreasonable is throwing his toys out of the pram when you don’t follow his advice to the letter. He doesn’t have a right to dictate to you, or withdraw his friendship just because you don’t dance to his tune.

What’s hard to work out as an outsider is whether he is being controlling or just frustrated that you don’t take his advice but then, perhaps, come back to him with the same recurring issues. But the fact he’s got so snippy suggests it’s the former.

I voted you were being unreasonable, but...I am now wondering if it's because you asked for his help, he gives you that help & support. Then you maybe do things which then sets you back and you complain to him about not having time to eat, look after your cats etc? And it's a cycle which he is trying to help you break and is perhaps getting frustrated?

However, if none of that is the case, then he might be being a bit overbearing with his ' help' and he needs to take a step back.

It's taken me a while! At first all that stood out to me was that she'd gone into a cafe to have a poo.

I know.
There was no need to mention that at all.

There really wasn't actually come to think of it! Or to tell her friend about it.

I said I had got an upset stomach. I mentioned it because it was the main reason I went in the cafe that evening as I didn't want to get on the bus feeling like I did.

Yes this is the case. I like to have a coffee after work as I have a very taxing job. I love it but it is taxing and having a coffee before I go home gives me chance to unwind before I get home and start the tasks of cooking my tea, feeding my cats etc. It also helps with my mental health. There are also plenty of other people in the cafes till late but when I tell my friend this when he gets off on one, he says that is them and not me.

I think he does get frustrated when I don't always take his advice which I can understand in a way but I don't like the way he sends me to Coventry so to speak, moreso by messages than face to face. I met him this lunchtime along with some other friends and he was his usual lovely self, no mention of the debate.

We used to work together but he retired a year ago. Everyone at work says how lovely and helpful he is which he is but its this trait of his to get narky when things don't suit. I am meeting him tomorrow on my own so I will let him know then I find it unacceptable how he goes off.

I somehow pictured your friend as being much younger. No criticism of someone who has just retired as am
no spring chicken myself. But it sounds you have become a project, and he is investing his time and expects things done his way.
He sounds like a dad telling off a daughter. And the silent treatment is silly.

Can you say a bit more about what you need support with OP? Were you not able to manage chores at home and asked him for help? Or do you feel everything is fine and he’s just interfering?