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Original poster

My male friend - is he being supportive or controlling

69 replies

pussinboots61 · 31/10/2024 13:01

My very good friend who I am very close to is supporting me with my mental health. He is very good and supportive but tends to go off on a tangent on Messenger, whereas face to face he is the most understanding person you could meet.

I often go for a coffee after work because I don't like going straight home. I love my home but I don't like being there too early My friend is trying to help me with my home life, keeping it organised with my cats and getting my tea ready. I have started just going for a coffee on Fridays after work as an end of week treat unless I finish work early.

Last night we all had to finish work early, I had got an upset stomach and when I left work I didn't want to get straight on a bus anyway so I went for a coffee, used the toilet there and got settled with my laptop and my stomach felt better.

When I was on my way home my friend messaged me and asked me where I was, I said I was on my way home, he asked if I had missed a lot of buses. I told him I had had to leave work early, had an upset stomach and went for a coffee. I then went round to see my neighbour for half an hour. When I got back to my flat there was a message from him saying that it is no good him supporting me if I want to spend my evenings in coffee shops wasting time when I could be home having my tea early and sorting myself out.

To cut a long story short he said he might aswell not support me anymore and said he won't mention it again. I went to bed upset with a valium.

I know he will be OK when I see him face to face and he will apologise but I am more stressed about his messages now and feeling I am treading on eggshells.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 31/10/2024 17:15

So let's get this straight. Your friend is making your evening meal, looking after your cats and getting your home organised. That's a lot of help going on there and you sound extremely lucky to have such a good friend in your life. Most people don't have that luxury. Expecting you home around a certain time to actually eat the meal he'd prepared and maybe look after your own cats is so far removed from controlling and unreasonable that words fail me. Sipping coffee and then visiting a neighbour is rude when someone who is trying to support you is wondering where you are. Mental health issues don't give you a free pass. I would tell him, for his sake not yours, that you no longer require his help. That way you can do exactly as you please.

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 31/10/2024 20:13

Hi, thanks for all the replies. Sorry but my message didn't come across very clear. My friend doesn't cook my tea and look after my cats while I'm at work, he advises me to try and leave myself enough time in the evenings to do this myself.

He supports me with advice which I am grateful for but not when it gets to the point when he gets funny with me when I don't always take his advice. He also helps me with practical things, like IT and DIY jobs around that flat that I can't do myself. I would miss this support if we broke contact.

A conversation with him today via Messenger where I told him how I feel that he has upset me, he has said that it's nothing to do with him what I do and how I live my life but that we discussed this a while ago and I agreed to have a coffee after work on Fridays and go straight home the rest of the week and eat at a reasonable time and sort the cats out and he feels I am going against it.

I am now going to wait until I see him in person for lunch tomorrow and talk about this as it gets quite heated on Messenger and I can't express myself properly.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/10/2024 20:19

I agree that a 👍 would be the best response, then back away from him. You don't need him to cook your dinner - he is doing it to meet some need of his own, probably for control.

He needs to find something else to do with his time. And change the locks.

BeMintBee · 31/10/2024 20:21

It’s really none of his business what you do after work. Although if you have pets you need to taking responsibility and be feeding them at regular times. Not managing your time to feed yourself if one thing but not ok for the cats.

HelloCheekyCat · 31/10/2024 20:27

that we discussed this a while ago and I agreed to have a coffee after work on Fridays and go straight home the rest of the week and eat at a reasonable time and sort the cats out and he feels I am going against it

this is really weird, you aren’t a child, he isn’t your parent so what does it matter if you have a coffee after work on a Wednesday?! He is not supportive, he’s just trying to boss you around

Edingril · 31/10/2024 20:37

He is a man so of course MN will say he is controlling just for existing, I think it is more complex than that

People are robots where you can program what you need from them and they obey that only, you need to stand on your own 2 feet and sort your own life out, if you genuinely think he is being bad then stop contact but the pick and mix what you need is not working

5128gap · 31/10/2024 20:44

So, your friend thinks you should go straight home from work to cook your tea and see your cats. You prefer to call in for a coffee because you don't like being at home too early. You have however agreed to do as he tells you every day but Friday. Because you had a bad stomach and left work early, rather than go home even earlier, you went for a coffee today, even though its Thursday not Friday, and now he's annoyed? The only thing that prevents me saying he is highly controlling and a huge red flag, is the possibility he thinks you are leaving your cats too long without feeding them? However if thats not the case and they are fine, id be very careful OP. There is a huge difference between advice and giving instruction with sanctions (getting annoyed) if you dont comply.

Supersimkin7 · 31/10/2024 20:51

‘You don’t owe him anything.’

He’s doing unpaid care shifts. You do.

At least turn up on time when you’ve been cooked for.

Stop abusing Valium.

TheShellBeach · 31/10/2024 20:52

Why can't you make your own tea?
🤣🤣🤣

Naunet · 31/10/2024 21:11

How did he know you weren’t home?

I think you just need to thank him for his advice and tell him you have a plan of how to move forward and then stop moaning to him about eating late. It might be he’s just exasperated with hearing about it if you won’t help yourself, or it might be that he’s controlling, but either way, just stop telling him about it.

Irridescantshimmmer · 31/10/2024 21:13

He may have another motive for helping you with your MH, but at the cost of your autonomy, seems very strange as well as concerning.

I suggest you ask him why he is being so possessive. When you are free to please yourself what you do after work and for how long.

MidnightBlossom · 31/10/2024 21:19

You are an adult and it's entirely up to you how you spend your time.

His message is both patronising and massively overstepping. You aren't a child and he isn't your father.

Ohthatsabitshit · 31/10/2024 21:28

Just say thank you so much for his help but that you need to stand on your own feet now. (And you do. It’s easy to get stuck using a crutch)

Anothernamechane · 31/10/2024 21:30

TheShellBeach · 31/10/2024 20:52

Why can't you make your own tea?
🤣🤣🤣

Why can't you at minimum read op's responses? It's really a short thread and she's said she's really struggling with her mental health. Do you feel your response is appropriate?

UnNiddeRides · 31/10/2024 21:33

OP, I think you need to change your friends as you don’t seem happy with them. I think you’ve complained about your male friend before (his messaging manner or something). Below on ‘similar threads’ you’ve asked for advice on ‘To be assertive with my friend’. A woman this time. In ‘similar threads’ under that thread you have 3 others seemingly about the same woman.
It seems he thinks you need some order in your life - perhaps he worries about your cats? If you feel that he’s taking this too far then it may be better to have less contact with him & forgo his DIY & IT help.

Anothernamechane · 31/10/2024 21:34

Op I'm quite uncomfortable with the level of direction he's giving you. He's quizzing you about your whereabouts, dictating what time you should be eating at, taking issue with you going for a coffee and seeing your neighbour- both which would be things that a professional would suggest are good for your mental health.

I know you think you'd miss the support he gives you, but perhaps that's because he's created a situation where you feel like you're reliant on him and that's not very healthy.

Original poster
pussinboots61 · 31/10/2024 22:27

TheShellBeach · 31/10/2024 20:52

Why can't you make your own tea?
🤣🤣🤣

If you read my follow up post you'll see that I do cook my own tea. My friend is giving advice on how I need to keep it up.

OP posts:
ManhattanPopcorn · 31/10/2024 22:31

I'm not sure who is supporting who here. It sounds like he might need you more than you need him.

DaniMontyRae · 31/10/2024 22:39

Why did the 2 of you come up with a plan for what you do after work? If you were complaining to him about how little time you have/that you are struggling, then it's not surprising he tried to help with advice. If you don't want to follow it then that's fine, you are an adult, but perhaps don't mention your issues again. There's nothing worse than someone who repeatedly talks about an issue but refuses to do anything about it.

BeMintBee · 31/10/2024 22:44

There must be a whole backstory here because I’m not sure who needs such a high level of input to make their tea and feed their cats. Unless you can give a fuller picture of what support you’ve really asked him for then it’s impossible to know. On the face of it it seems bizarre and controlling but I’m not so sure your being massively honest about what this is really all about.

Firawla · 31/10/2024 23:02

He sounds way way too controlling wtf. It’s a very weird dynamic. Personally I would not br comfortable.
I doubt you need this advice about what time to cook your tea???? Is it really helping? Or is he just a controlling twat

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/10/2024 23:42

I think if the plan was to meet him
At yours so he could help you at 4.30 and you poodled around u til
6 I could see how he felt his time was being wasted

MobilityCat · 31/10/2024 23:46

It sounds like you're dealing with a complicated and sensitive situation. Your friend clearly cares about you and wants to help, but perhaps he doesn’t fully understand your need for personal space and how you find comfort in unwinding at a coffee shop before going home. It's difficult when someone's support, which is meant to help, sometimes adds more pressure instead.

It could help to talk to him in person about how his messages sometimes make you feel—especially since he’s more understanding face-to-face. Try sharing that your coffee shop visits are important for your mental well-being, and they help you transition between work and home. Let him know you appreciate his support but that sometimes a little space is also supportive.

It’s perfectly okay to need a bit of time to yourself, and setting that boundary might help him better understand how to support you in a way that respects both your needs and his. Hopefully, he will be receptive, especially since you’re both close and care deeply for each other.

mnreader · 31/10/2024 23:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 01/11/2024 01:37

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/10/2024 23:42

I think if the plan was to meet him
At yours so he could help you at 4.30 and you poodled around u til
6 I could see how he felt his time was being wasted

He wasn't going to hers though, she wasn't planning on meeting him