Mum keeps complaining about my MIL

[Oliverosepetal]

My MIL is fine, by and large. I've known her about 6 years and while we have had our moments, generally she treats me well and stays out of our business. She can be quite loud and opinionated, sometimes puts her foot in it but has a good heart and we have had a harmonious relationship overall. Listening to some of my friends complain about their MILs, I really appreciate this and want to keep things as friendly as possible for as long as possible.

My parents inevitably bump into my in laws here and there, as we all live locally and events like my kids birthday parties etc mean they have to come together. My mother does nothing but complain about MIL after these meeting. She said this, she said that, she did this or that and a lot of it is just stuff that I brush off or don't pay attention to. She will criticise my MILs appearance to me or just do a character assassination. Every little thing my mother in law does bothers my mum. My mother in law is picking up on it and I've noticed she's got a little snappy with mum, which obviously makes things worse.

My mum has a problem with nearly everyone, can't keep friends and falls out with any friend she ever had. She finds faults with people very easily and cuts them out. Personally, I respect my husband too much to sit there slagging his mother off to mine, as I would be upset if I felt he was doing the same. I told my mother that I didn't want to engage in these conversations as it's about his mother and it makes me feel disloyal. She screwed up her face and said not to be ridiculous and basically demanded I tell her what I really think of my mother in law. I felt forced to say that yes there were times when she annoyed me, and my mother said 'I knew it! What a selfish woman!'

I'm now having serious anxiety about them being together and I have to do a post mortem of what my mother in law did or didn't do right and I hate it. As I said, MIL isn't perfect, but who is! I'm an easy going person and take the rough with the smooth! MiL is good to my husband, our kids and generally treats me well. Her own grown up kids all love her and are close to her and while she has a loud (some might say overbearing) personality, I just tune it out and focus on the good points (and there are a lot).

I feel like I'm being forced to pick a side and even time.my mum.now asks me 'how is your MIL?' I feel a sick feeling in my stomach because I know what's coming and I feel like I should defend MIL as my mum's point is usually really silly, but that seems to offend my mum.

Aibu to just tell my mum to drop it, or am i supposed to go along with this?

Tell your mum to pack it in and don’t worry about causing offence - she obviously doesn’t. She’s being rude.

This is about boundaries. Your mother is trampling all over yours.

I would cut her off every time she discusses your mil. Just say 'I don't want to talk about MIL with you.' and repeat ad nauseam. If she asks you how your MIL is, I'd just reply. 'Fine, as always'. And refuse to engage further.

Keep enforcing the boundary. Your mother is like an unruly toddler, only consistency will work.

I think it’d continue to tell my mum I didn’t really want to discuss MIL and if she didn’t want to listen, I’d just “grey rock” the situation

lots of “uh huh, ok, is that so”

and then change the subject.

i would go much stronger on sticking up for your MIL to avoid your mum causing any potential damage . Your mum sounds very unstable and tiring. I would go as far as telling her to stop it and to learn to be kind.

She sounds exhausting. I would hate that. Perhaps she needs to get a hobby to concentrate on so she doesn’t spend all her time wanting to gossip about your MIL.

I would tell your mum that Mil is the mother of the love of your life and you refuse to bash her in any way out of respect or listening to her getting bashed. Tell your mother that if she has nothing nice to say she might as well stay quiet. Repeat ad nauseum. Also I would try to see your mum as little as possible because it sounds like she's bringing you down.

I actually think you should really sing your MIL’s praises every time your mum brings her up.

the more you are positive and praise her the more annoying it will be for your mum and the less likely she’ll be to bring her up.

I would definitely NOT get drawn into saying anything negative at all as your mum will store this up and say it one day in front of your DH or MIL.

“Mum, I love you and I am going to say this only once…

… I respectfully suggest that you look at your own negative, critical character before going around constantly judging others

…I won’t be engaging with it any further”

If this was the other way around and it was your mother-in-law slagging off your mother, you would be told go no contact . Anyway , no you shouldn’t just have to go along with it. Your mother sounds awful.Tell her quick smart you don’t want to discuss your MIL .

You need to shut down these discussions the minute she starts. My mum became like this about my ex and in the end I told her not to mention him to me again. She did stop, she had no choice as I wasn’t entertaining it. She’s the kind of person who makes everything about her, and I was sick of it.

I would ask your mum to be nicer to your MIL for your sake. She could at least be polite and friendly when they meet, whatever she thinks (or says) afterwards. And just ignore your mum when she is unpleasant about your MIL - unless you actually want to stick up for her in which case do. 'Actually mum I thought MIL looked very nice today, she usually does in blue' or whatever.

You say your mum has a problem with nearly everyone - in this case it is probably exacerbated by some jealousy.

Wherever you can, keep them separated! There will be some occasions where they have to be invited to things together, but make them as few as possible. It is quite possible that your MIL may dislike your mum as much as the other way around, but she has (until now) been able to not let that show.

So much this, unfortunately you have now given her ammunition to use to your MIL.

I would try to speak with MIL first that you feel so uncomfortable seeing your mother blow nothing into a big thing and twist people’s words to shit stir.

So as an example if your DM asks if you saw MIL you would say ‘yeah we saw her! She’s really well- she was on great form and we didn’t stop laughing. It really cheered us up’

Or if she says something about her clothes you could just say ‘oh I really liked her top! I thought it suited her- I think she dresses really well’

Your DM does sound awful by the way, I think I’d have to cut down contact a bit, whilst she is being so negative. It sounds so draining and depressing.

My mum is generally civil to MIL and does tend to hide her animosity but I sense the atmosphere. When she asks how mil is, no matter what innocuous answer I give, there is always an eye roll and comment. 'That's weird', 'that's not normal' 'how odd' or sometimes she will do a really sarky, cynical smile that means 'how pathetic'.

I actually feel like leaving our town and moving away.

This.
It sounds like your mum absolutely will cause problems by quoting (or exaggerating) anything negative you have said about your MIL. Don't give her anything she can use to drive a wedge between you and/or DH / MIL.

Your MIL sounds a lot nicer than your DM. I would be reducing contact with your DM. Does she criticise your DH, you, your DC?

Tell your mum you don’t want to hear it. If she can’t behave, she can’t be at family events.

No she doesn't criticise my DH but I don't think she likes him, as my dad let slip that my mum is 'warming to him'. This is weird as my husband is a properly solid, hard working family man who treats me well and has actually pushed me to fulfill.my potential in a way nobody ever did before. He is very confident and she probably doesn't like that. I suspect she talks about me.

How often do you see your DM?

Every week or so but my husband has found out about a potential transfer through his work so we could move. I want to move.

Your Mum isn't a nice person is she?

Next time your Mum starts tell her she is the problem that she is critical and unpleasant about everyone and not the type of person you want around your DC.

Your mum is jealous and feels that's MIL is a better person than her.
Feels that you like MIL more.
You will have to one way or another put your foot down and stop the drama x

You need to be very direct with your DM. When she pushed for your opinion of MIL that was your opportunity to say that while MIL could be occasionally annoying, she (DM) is being extremely unpleasant practically all the time and you’ve had enough of it.

You're right but it's only recently that I'm starting to question a lot of my relationship with my mum. She has trampled over my boundaries for a long time and it's only since I had my own kids that I have started to realise that there are things she has no right to expect from me. I've been having something of an awakening and at that time I said 'it feels disrespectful to talk about DH's mum' and she pulled a face and mocked me saying 'disrespectful' in an annoying voice. I had just had my first baby and I guess felt all over the place. I felt really stupid and like I was acting like a silly romantic teenager or something, and I feel like my mum had a kind of power over me then, like I had to prove my loyalty. As I said before, MIL has absolutely had her moments and has upset me over things in the past, but I look at the bigger picture and my own mum has hurt me far more through the years.

Mum has an opinion about everything my MIL wears, says and does and wants me to be annoyed that MIL got a new flashy car or never wears the same dress twice or gets her hair blow dried once a week or has a holiday-home abroad that she visits a lot or that she wears leather trousers or any other thing I do not give two hoots about! So what!