Mum keeps complaining about my MIL

[Oliverosepetal]

My MIL is fine, by and large. I've known her about 6 years and while we have had our moments, generally she treats me well and stays out of our business. She can be quite loud and opinionated, sometimes puts her foot in it but has a good heart and we have had a harmonious relationship overall. Listening to some of my friends complain about their MILs, I really appreciate this and want to keep things as friendly as possible for as long as possible.

My parents inevitably bump into my in laws here and there, as we all live locally and events like my kids birthday parties etc mean they have to come together. My mother does nothing but complain about MIL after these meeting. She said this, she said that, she did this or that and a lot of it is just stuff that I brush off or don't pay attention to. She will criticise my MILs appearance to me or just do a character assassination. Every little thing my mother in law does bothers my mum. My mother in law is picking up on it and I've noticed she's got a little snappy with mum, which obviously makes things worse.

My mum has a problem with nearly everyone, can't keep friends and falls out with any friend she ever had. She finds faults with people very easily and cuts them out. Personally, I respect my husband too much to sit there slagging his mother off to mine, as I would be upset if I felt he was doing the same. I told my mother that I didn't want to engage in these conversations as it's about his mother and it makes me feel disloyal. She screwed up her face and said not to be ridiculous and basically demanded I tell her what I really think of my mother in law. I felt forced to say that yes there were times when she annoyed me, and my mother said 'I knew it! What a selfish woman!'

I'm now having serious anxiety about them being together and I have to do a post mortem of what my mother in law did or didn't do right and I hate it. As I said, MIL isn't perfect, but who is! I'm an easy going person and take the rough with the smooth! MiL is good to my husband, our kids and generally treats me well. Her own grown up kids all love her and are close to her and while she has a loud (some might say overbearing) personality, I just tune it out and focus on the good points (and there are a lot).

I feel like I'm being forced to pick a side and even time.my mum.now asks me 'how is your MIL?' I feel a sick feeling in my stomach because I know what's coming and I feel like I should defend MIL as my mum's point is usually really silly, but that seems to offend my mum.

Aibu to just tell my mum to drop it, or am i supposed to go along with this?

Yes. My mum behaved similarly. Cruel about my mum in law and not respecting boundaries. She too struggles at friendships and relationships.

I think I’d just switch off whenever your mum starts her little rant unless you want to tell her to shut up which is the alternative . It sounds like your mum is a bit jealous of her . My late mum didn’t like my in-laws but then neither did I so it was fine and they rarely had occasion to meet anyway .

Really rude, worse than childish behaviour on your mums part. This is hard for you, I’ve been there too.

My mum can be like this. She's very proprietal about me. I gently just shrug my shoulders and change the subject if she starts the bitching.

And sometimes I roll my eyes and huff and puff a bit if she starts around my in laws.

There's nothing wrong with sticking up for what you believe. 'I know you don't like her mum, but I do' should suffice.

1. Yes, it's totally fine to tell your mother that MIL is off limits as a topic of conversation. It's OK to put this boundary in place. It's not rude and doesn't make you a bad person, although your mother might not like it. But it's OK to have boundaries that she doesn't like.
2. You might find the stately homes thread in relationships useful
3. I did move and I recommend it

Tell your mum to zip it.

How often do you see/speak to dm? I agree with grey rock. She sounds awful and jealous.

Another vote for singing MIL's praises whenever your Mum asks about her. She'll be pissed off and sour-faced, granted, but it might make her back off a bit. If she goes on about her, you could say, "Blimey, ma! You're OBSESSED with MIL aren't you? A little crush, perhaps?"
You don't owe her a validation of her petty grievances with your MIL.

Apologise to Mil for your mum being a bit awkward. Say you hope your mum doesn’t upset her, and to take her with a pinch of salt because she’s a bit high maintenance. Say you appreciate Mil being so much easier going.

And ignore your mum. Change the subject, leave the room, ask her to stop going on as it’s boring. And - big guns- say you won’t invite your mum next time if she can’t be nice to the other guests.

@Oliverosepetal you mentioned moving, if possible I would do that. Your mother sounds insufferable and, quite possibly, unhinged.

Your mum sounds toxic. This needs to stop.

If your kids pick up on this what will they think of one parent/grandparent backstabbing the other behind their backs.

Tell you mum to stop. Change the stupid. Or don't have them over together.

It's not about taking sides it's about having respect for your DP and his family.

Your Mother sounds very jealous of MIL.

The fact your mum has no friends and upsets everyone,says all you need to know.

Don't let your mum bully you in to saying anything about your MIL.

Your Mum will probably love to make you and MIL enemies.

I've known people like your mother !

My FIL is like this about my parents. Always asking nasty little angled questions where he expects to "win" as a result of the answer.

MIL is wise to this, and cuts off his rudeness with something bright and positive, whenever she hears it.

For example, he'll make a rude comment about them being older, and she'll nicely point out that they have the same age gap to their youngest child. So even though they're 15 years younger than my parents, they'll be just as old when their youngest is my age.

She also apologises whenever he's really rude to me. (She deserves so much better than that miserable git!)

I think you have to either do that - be bright and positive about MIL on her presence/actively defend her if required. Or you have to reduce contact.

I do a bit of both. I actively avoid FIL where possible whilst still having MIL in our lives.

@Oliverosepetal Honestly, i get that MILs can be annoying. I think many people probably things many members of their families, either by blood or marriage are annoying and it probably works both ways. My MIL is lovely but she is a little annoying. Her habits etc. but it is what it is.

Your DM behaving in the way she is is not acceptable and i would go so far as to not include your own DM in situations where your MIL will be too. No invites to joint events etc. until she can prove to keep her opinions to herself and to be a decent human being an be civil and polite.

"Mum has an opinion about everything my MIL wears, says and does and wants me to be annoyed that MIL got a new flashy car or never wears the same dress twice or gets her hair blow dried once a week or has a holiday-home abroad that she visits a lot or that she wears leather trousers or any other thing I do not give two hoots about! So what!"

Hmmm... sounds like your mum is jealous. 1) of your MIL, and 2) of you. Because you have a good relationship with your own MIL and what sounds like a good marriage.

What is/was your mum's relationship like with her own in-laws?

Honestly, you need to get used to batting it back and/or shutting it down. Do it for your kids.

Moving away because of this is childish and won't fix the issue.

@Oliverosepetal how you havent turned round and just snapped at your mum to give it a bloody rest I don’t know. I think I’d be laying some truths on her about this is why she has no friends or decent relationships - it’s because she’s toxic and unpleasant to
be around.

obviously saying it would make shit hit the fan… maybe right it all out. All the little and big tbings that you dislike and sit with it. Look at what kind of relationship you can have with your mother.

Can you talk to your dad about her behaviour or does he stick his head in the sand?

Id be going low contact at the very least with my mum if that’s how she behaved.

Say nothing. Nothing to be gained, just lost. If it's a lifetime of behaviour as you describe, it's jst something you must (as all of use do!) have to put up. Happy to have a lovely MIL also....

demanded I tell her what I really think of my mother in law. I felt forced to say that yes there were times when she annoyed me
Oof. Mistake! She now has an opportunity to use that against you - to drop into the conversation with MIL or DH or other family members that you said MIL annoys you.
Don’t let her trap you like that again.
She’s a jealous and malicious person.

This.
It will not be easy, but you have to move to a new relationship with your mother, one which has a better balance of power, or you have to cut contact.
Perhaps consider some therapy sessions if you can afford it?

I think your mum is jealous of your MIL, both in terms of what your mum has, financially, and the fact you get along with her.

This 100%. And hard though it is remember this is not a reflection on you , difficult when you are aware and dying of embarrassment I know . Try not to assume you know what your mil thinks she may be unaware.

Hmm no it’s not up to the op to manage her mother. That’s putting the onus on the op to monitor and stop the behaviour, she can’t control another person.

I'd ask her how she'd feel if your MIL was slagging her off to your DH.

Alternatively, if you're brave enough: "it's a shame you feel the need to criticise MIL constantly. She, on the other hand is always positive and never has a bad word to say about anyone. That's why she's so loved"

Tell her she's an unpleasant bore and how about she told a joke now and again, or your not going to want to be around her.

You have a mum problem not a MIL problem she is not respecting your life or your boundaries. I would try to see less of her, definitely try to not see her at the same time as your MIL and if she engages or asks questions about her just say you don’t know or she’s fine. Just non descriptive so she can’t then voice an opinion. Your children don’t need to grow up realising one grandmother doesn’t like the other.