Mum keeps complaining about my MIL

[Oliverosepetal]

My MIL is fine, by and large. I've known her about 6 years and while we have had our moments, generally she treats me well and stays out of our business. She can be quite loud and opinionated, sometimes puts her foot in it but has a good heart and we have had a harmonious relationship overall. Listening to some of my friends complain about their MILs, I really appreciate this and want to keep things as friendly as possible for as long as possible.

My parents inevitably bump into my in laws here and there, as we all live locally and events like my kids birthday parties etc mean they have to come together. My mother does nothing but complain about MIL after these meeting. She said this, she said that, she did this or that and a lot of it is just stuff that I brush off or don't pay attention to. She will criticise my MILs appearance to me or just do a character assassination. Every little thing my mother in law does bothers my mum. My mother in law is picking up on it and I've noticed she's got a little snappy with mum, which obviously makes things worse.

My mum has a problem with nearly everyone, can't keep friends and falls out with any friend she ever had. She finds faults with people very easily and cuts them out. Personally, I respect my husband too much to sit there slagging his mother off to mine, as I would be upset if I felt he was doing the same. I told my mother that I didn't want to engage in these conversations as it's about his mother and it makes me feel disloyal. She screwed up her face and said not to be ridiculous and basically demanded I tell her what I really think of my mother in law. I felt forced to say that yes there were times when she annoyed me, and my mother said 'I knew it! What a selfish woman!'

I'm now having serious anxiety about them being together and I have to do a post mortem of what my mother in law did or didn't do right and I hate it. As I said, MIL isn't perfect, but who is! I'm an easy going person and take the rough with the smooth! MiL is good to my husband, our kids and generally treats me well. Her own grown up kids all love her and are close to her and while she has a loud (some might say overbearing) personality, I just tune it out and focus on the good points (and there are a lot).

I feel like I'm being forced to pick a side and even time.my mum.now asks me 'how is your MIL?' I feel a sick feeling in my stomach because I know what's coming and I feel like I should defend MIL as my mum's point is usually really silly, but that seems to offend my mum.

Aibu to just tell my mum to drop it, or am i supposed to go along with this?

Blimey, surely it must be simpler to put on your big girl pants and tell your mother to stop being so bloody rude than it is to uproot yourself and your family and move?
That won’t solve anything anyway. She will just bitch by phone or something instead!

Try countering her negativity with being overly positive about her.

Mum: How’s MIL?
You: Great. She’s such a kind person, we’re so lucky to have her so close by.

Repeat.

Mum has an opinion about everything my MIL wears, says and does and wants me to be annoyed that MIL got a new flashy car or never wears the same dress twice or gets her hair blow dried once a week or has a holiday-home abroad that she visits a lot or that she wears leather trousers or any other thing I do not give two hoots about! So what

Your Mum sounds insecure and jealous. You don’t need to stoop to her level, though.

”I think she looks nice.”
”Good on her, I say.” etc.

I feel like I should defend MIL as my mum's point is usually really silly, but that seems to offend my mum.

You've been brought up to kow-tow to your mother. To not upset her under any circumstances. I bet you felt like you had to say MIL can annoy you sometimes to placate/play up to your mum.

You're older now and a mother yourself. You can see her behaviour for what it is. The next step is to change the way you react to her. Why shouldn't you offend her? She is very happy to offend everyone else. She's undoubtedly one of those who can dish it out but can't take it - tough.

Defend your MIL every time she starts. MIL deserves that. Your mum's reaction to that is her problem. And you can tell her so.

Your mum is jealous of your MIL. Maybe she's scared of you getting too close to her. I think you need to say to your mum "She's DH's mum, the DC's granny and she's kind to me. She means well and it's not fair of me to criticise her, so I'm not saying anything about her".
then when she starts talking about her, just don't react.

I had similar between my parents after they divorced. Took me until adulthood to say 'I'm not interested', every time one of them tried to have a bitch about the other. Totally disengage from it. You'll be met with more odd behaviour for a little while but just keep rinse and repeating 'I'm not interested', if you don't want to confront your DM.

It did take one day for me to say 'You come across as so bitter, why do you care so much', to draw attention to the fact they were being borderline obsessed with dragging the other down. Stand up for yourself, your mental health and any future shit your DM might try to get your DC onboard with.

I'm sorry but, popular as it can be to trash MILs, you don't have a MIL issue. You have a DM issue. Don't be dragged into any of your DMs games, sounds to me as if you are constantly defending MILs personality even though you have no issues with the woman. Could DM be jealous of the relationship, or is she just critical of everyone?

sorry op, but your mum is vile.

You cannot change your mum. You can however, shut her down. EVERY SINGLE TIME. “I am not going to talk about x with you because you only say nasty stuff”.

Disagree with her EVERY SINGLE TIME “no mum, she is lovely, she is not weird”.

To be honest, I would tell her “maybe you would see the nice side of people if you stopped being so bloody rude and judgemental”. (But I can’t stand people like your mum - well done for picking up on her horrid behaviour).

I agree with reaching out to your mil about this and apologising for your mums behaviour and how much you appreciate her not being difficult like your mum.

And definitely move

You need to call her out OP, she'll play the victim but that's irrelevant. Treat her like a child, if she can't say anything nice, not to say anything at all. You can do the head tilt "You seem to have a problem with everyone, maybe they are not the problem? Therapy could help you".

Everytime she says something horrible, you need to say " That's uncalled for/ an unpleasant or bitchy thing to say, I don't want to hear it" and walk away every single time. She will never learn if it's glossed over or ignored.

Your mother needs a good talking to, nasty piece of work from what you say.

Your mother sounds poisonous and my worry is that she would take the opportunity to repeat what you felt forced to say back to your MIL, just to score points and create drama.

Your mother has form and is toxic.

Move away if you get half a chance.
Don't tell her until the decision is made.

From now on keep saying "well I like MIL".

If she is nasty back, get up and leave or in your own home say you have jobs to get on with.
Tell your mother nothing.
See a lot less of her.

Its a good suggestion to apologise to your MIL and tell her that your mother has problems with EVERYONE and not to pay any attention to her.
Putting distance between you and your mother will reduce her power to cause you trouble.

It sounds to me like you feel the need to navigate your mother's approach by telling her things she wants to hear, and that's all well and good until now as you've given her ammo to use against your MiL. Presumably though it was just the two of you in that conversation so you could deny ever having said a bad thing about your MiL. Sounds like people would believe you, with the way your mum runs through friendships.
It's what to do going forwards and as hard as it may be I'd be inclined to tell your mum that firstly you'd be horrified if your DH bad mouthed your mum so you arent comfortable doing that to his, and secondly you actually like your MiL and haven't a bad word to say about her, and that the final word and any further conversation is off the table now.

I would guess
Your mum feels threatened that you get on with your mil
Maybe she had a rocky relationship with her mil ,and thinks it should be the same with you and yours .
Perhaps she runs her down because she thinks you prefer your mil to your mum...which to be fair you probably do ,as your mil sounds nicer .
Sometimes women don't evolve out of the playground.
Your mum isn't helping herself at all.
Although it sounds like your mum is difficult anyway,and as I found out with mine ,you can't change people,you either accept them ,or you don't

Your Mother must believe that your Mother-in-law is bougie. She may be a little jealous. Have you ever asked your mother to sit down and get to know your mother-in-law better.
Seems like your mother is becoming a big problem, discuss it with your father and see what he thinks about how to handle the situation, maybe he can knock some sense into her. Just my opinion

I find your attitude to your MIL really refreshing, like you said, nobody is perfect and you focus on the positives which is best for all concerned.

I'd take a quiet moment with your DM and say that you won't engage in any more negative conversations about your MIL and if there are any comments at the next party/gathering then she won't be welcome going forward.

Do you think that your mum is insecure around your mil? Maybe your mum feels like you like the MIL more and feels that she may be replaced?

Perhaps your mum is insecure because your mil seems more affluent and can do more for you and her son?

if i were you, I would just plainly state that it makes you uncomfortable when she gossips about your MIL and you just want to keep your energy clean. Tell her you’d like to focus on what’s going on in each of your lives, when you speak, not focussing on discussion of others lives.

This reminds me a bit of my Mum.

She loves slagging people off to me. Including our own family members who she’s then nice as pie to to their faces - but it’s like she’s always trying to put me off them. Or makes cutting comments about them to me and my children at really inappropriate moments.

My ex ILs she’s even worse about. I just don’t want to have to think about “oh remember they did this, they did that to you” to try to make me feel bad and stoke up bad feeling. They’re my ex ILs - I don’t want to spend my time thinking how bad they are, I want to move on!

Someone said it would be childish to move. Absolutely ridiculous. It's really hard to reduce contact with someone this needy, especially your mother. If you have the opportunity and think it would be good for your family, why not factor this into the decision? One word of warning though, if you move really far away, when she visits, she'll have to stay.

Hi, I wouldn’t stand for this either. I’d say ‘fine thanks’ when she asks and don’t ever elaborate.
When my mum says awful this about other people (different context but she has started with a group of friends and used casual racism now and again and brings up political issues that she has not read about, just heard about) anyway I tell her straight. I’ve even gone as far as saying ‘if you continue with this in front of me and my children, you won’t be invited to my house again’
we still at every close as a mother and daughter - she is allowed her opinions but she doesn’t have to indulge me with them and she knows to respect that or I bite!

This!

Your mum sounds awful and so rude.