AIBU to feel uncomfortable with my neighbour's comments

[ThatShyScroller]

I would like to get your opinion on this, to see whether I am over reacting.

I have an elderly neighbour, who, for a long time, I thought was absolutely lovely.

When I lived with my husband, we would casually stop for a chat with him on the streets here and there. He would put a Christmas postcard in our letter box, we would make a cake for him etc. So, the relationship, for a long time, has been good, although we are not super close, and we keep to ourselves, generally.

But, at some point, my husband went on a business trip that was quite long. I bumped in my neighbour outside my house - he was chatting with other neighbours, and I said "hi". He replied saying "has your husband left you already eh?" giggling. I felt it was a bit of an inappropriate/nasty comment, especially because 1) it was made in front of strangers, and 2) it might have been actually true, that I was breaking up with my husband, and that would have upset me.

Nevertheless, I replied calmy saying that no, he didn't dump me, as far as I was aware, and he was just outside of town for work.

I tried to brush this under the carpet and I nearly forgot all about it. But then, something else happened.

I bumped in my neighbour again (alone), he asked me whether my car was okay (I had an accident a while before). I said casually that the car was fine, but I have been having a terrible back pain in the past weeks, that now is fixed. And then he said "well, I can rub your back anytime, lady". I felt SO uncomfortable about this, and annoyed, so I just walked away.

I am annoyed that my neighbour acts all nice in front of my husband, and then, as soon as he's away and cannot see him, he shows a completely different side.

I have been feeling quite stressed about this, and now I try to avoid him, if I can.

AIBU? I tried to think that perhaps he is just "joking", but I just cannot stand the completely different behaviour he has when I am alone.

How old? Not that age is an excuse.

I’d be avoiding, or if he offers a rub down again say , great DH’s back is playing up. I’ll send him over shortly.

You shouldn’t have to put up with it, but short of moving he’s going to be there.

I’d gradually reduce interactions until you no longer need to feel the need to acknowledge him.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable if it’s bothered you, but comments like that from an old man wound’s bother me.. (Old as in like 70s old) I have noticed this seems to be a running theme with very old men, they make jokes or comments a man younger than them would be jumped on for making.

I remember my ex partners grandad use to say to me infront of his wife, if I was a few years younger then would give me a wink. He was about late 70’s early 80’s & I must have been about 22. His wife would just laugh & give him a playful slap & tell him behave. I don’t know why the older generation are like that but it’s something that does seem to be the case for a lot of them.

Some men, including elderly men think they can get away with such comments to a woman without a man present to guard his “property”.
It is pathetic and horrible.
I would keep away from him in future. If you bump into him give a fake smile and keep walking. Hopefully he will get the message eventually.
Obviously explain to your husband why you are cutting contact. I hope your husband understands but sadly many won’t.

I think he is in his early 80s. I did think about the fact that there might be a cultural difference, as someone mentioned on another comment.

your suggestion about DH is brilliant😂

The first comment sounds like a joke to me. I think you're being a bit sensitive to take offence to it to be honest.

The 2nd comment is abit creepy/sleezy, @Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf response is perfect.

I think you're right, and that is the reason why I brushed the first comment off initially. I thought that perhaps he just wanted to be funny and didn't intend any harm (which might still be a possibility anyway).

I'm almost 70 and being that age is absolutely no excuse.

I don’t think that this is a lovely man at all. I think he’s a bit of a creep who is very good at hiding it from other men.

If he ever says anything even remotely inappropriate again, I think you should just look at him with a very cold expression and say ‘I beg your pardon?’ And when he starts blustering how it was only a joke etc, tell him that you don’t want to hear his ‘jokes’ and walk away. Let him feel uncomfortable and wondering whether he’s going to have to deal with an irate husband.

I would also tell your DH that he has made you feel uncomfortable and you won’t be stopping for a chat the next time you see him in the street.

No I agree doesn’t matter what age you are. I was just saying in my experience noticed it seems to be quite common amongst men of that age to make comments a younger man wouldn’t be able to.

I would associate that kind of comment with much older men. The sort that were in early middle age in the 70s. There were plenty then.

He sounds creepy.
Avoid him. If you do have to chat to him beat him to it and tell him you’re not interested in sexist remarks like the last times.

It's 'possible' he may have some form on dementia. One of the symptoms is a loss of inhibitions.

Sleazy, creepy, grubby men are sleazy, creepy and grubby until they die. They are not safe to be around and they never change.

I don't really understand why anyone is ever surprised that old men can be creepy bastards too. It's a state of mind, it's their character, they would if they could but they can't so they will just make you feel like shit instead and cop a feel if they can manage it.

And it one billion percent doesn't matter at all if he has dementia - the catch all excuse for grotesque old men perving on women. If he has, too bad, you can't fix it and you're not his carer and have an absolute right to feel safe and not grossed out.

Tell your husband exactly what he said and how it made you feel. Do NOT accept any minimising or snickering - if he was 40 it wouldn't be funny so it's not funny just because he (might) be too weak to do anything about it.

And then the two of you just be nodding acquaintance polite to him from now on when you have no other choice until the creepy codger kicks it, or one of you moves away.

Another good method for dealing with sleazebag "jokers" is to ask them calmly "Sorry, I missed that, can you repeat that?" and when they do say "I don't understand, sorry, can you explain?" "Sorry I don't get it, what do you mean?" and so on. The key is staying straight faced and calm and just asking over and over to explain why it's a joke, what's funny and so on till they sod off or shut up or start ranting, takes the fun out of it for them.

Yeah my dad's in his 70s and would NEVER do that. He was a young man surrounded by feminists - that generation should know how to behave.

You mention dementia Educate yourself in Frontal temporal dementia
it attacks the front lobe it the part of the brain that regulates emotions and inhibitions
they get very sexualised and lack the ability to control there emotions and regulate what’s appropriate but they seem relatively lucid

Nah, no need, irrelevant. And I knew that anyway.

So, as stated, it is one billion percent irrelevant if he's got dementia, she's not his carer and has a right to feel safe.

Correct advice - stay away from the sleazy old man, and be nodding polite only forever.

Yep, my dad died in his early 70s and he would no more have talked to a woman like that at any time in his entire life than stabbed himself in the eye with a fork.

It's so weird how people thing "but he's old" is some sort of excuse or means anything to the victim of grubby behaviour.

She just needs to stay away from him, and only ever be nodding acquaintance polite again if she's in a position where she can't avoid it.

You'd think that avoiding grubby men was just an unbearable human rights violation the way some women immediately leap in to make up excuses for this kind of rubbish. Sigh.

whilst obviously the advice is to keep your distance correct

we had this with a family member it was horrendous and made a 1000 more difficult to deal with because like you everyone would write him off as a sleazy old man

Yep, I most likely would have written him off as a sleazy old creep, and would have been right to do so and stay away from him. Not his carer, not my problem.

Oh and before you wish hellfire and damnation and "I hope you never have to experience" blah de blah - oh well, that's life, and yep absolutely everyone has their own shit to deal with. Everyone.

And no me having thoughts you disapprove of and writing words on a forum about a stranger is NOT the same as making your life harder. Grow up.

But let's be crystal clear here - that does NOT mean what you are about to claim - I am not glad it happened, wished it on him, caused it to happen or any variation on that theme. You approached a total stranger who you know nothing about and tried to silence me with an emotional bullying attack. Won't work.

Me writing any man off as a sleazy old creep is absolutely one hundred percent fine. Me saying it to him, maybe not, depending on circumstances.

But you already know I didn't even remotely suggest anyone should say it to him.

As a cheerleader for the patriarchy who thinks women exist as comfort blankets, human shields and support dogs for strange men and believes that I should waste my time worrying about the feelings of men who sleaze on women, you tried and failed to guilt and shame me into suicidal empathy - a term many are using to describe how women put men first in all circumstances to their own detriment.

But it didn't work.

And, as you are well aware I did NOT suggest she called him a sleazy old creep and of course absolutely nothing was made more difficult for you or him by women having thoughts you personally don't approve of.

Nice try though. I will keep having opinions and thoughts you hate, I won't ask for permission and I won't worry about you trying emotional blackmail.

And if you are so devastated by a total stranger unrelated to you in any way being called creepy or sleazy on a public forum, a man who behaved like a grubby codger and will never ever hear me saying a single bad word about him you sound a bit mental.

You don't have an argument, but you're going to keep trying and will have to have a bit more snark and a flounce.

I still don't care.

It is one billion percent not my problem if every male relative you have has dementia, unless they start getting creepy and perverted around me, in which case I will think whatever I want and remove myself from their influence forever.

Wow

Yes, I was pleased by how I covered all the bases too :)

Oops you missed off empathy and understanding
off now have a great day

@dontbedaft2000 awesome 😎 👏🏼

Your lack of empathy for women who choose boundaries and have unapproved thoughts did stand out to me yes, and you did pretend not to understand that women are not support dogs for men. But yes, I am having a pretty great day. Cheers.