AIBU to feel uncomfortable with my neighbour's comments

[ThatShyScroller]

I would like to get your opinion on this, to see whether I am over reacting.

I have an elderly neighbour, who, for a long time, I thought was absolutely lovely.

When I lived with my husband, we would casually stop for a chat with him on the streets here and there. He would put a Christmas postcard in our letter box, we would make a cake for him etc. So, the relationship, for a long time, has been good, although we are not super close, and we keep to ourselves, generally.

But, at some point, my husband went on a business trip that was quite long. I bumped in my neighbour outside my house - he was chatting with other neighbours, and I said "hi". He replied saying "has your husband left you already eh?" giggling. I felt it was a bit of an inappropriate/nasty comment, especially because 1) it was made in front of strangers, and 2) it might have been actually true, that I was breaking up with my husband, and that would have upset me.

Nevertheless, I replied calmy saying that no, he didn't dump me, as far as I was aware, and he was just outside of town for work.

I tried to brush this under the carpet and I nearly forgot all about it. But then, something else happened.

I bumped in my neighbour again (alone), he asked me whether my car was okay (I had an accident a while before). I said casually that the car was fine, but I have been having a terrible back pain in the past weeks, that now is fixed. And then he said "well, I can rub your back anytime, lady". I felt SO uncomfortable about this, and annoyed, so I just walked away.

I am annoyed that my neighbour acts all nice in front of my husband, and then, as soon as he's away and cannot see him, he shows a completely different side.

I have been feeling quite stressed about this, and now I try to avoid him, if I can.

AIBU? I tried to think that perhaps he is just "joking", but I just cannot stand the completely different behaviour he has when I am alone.

My first thought was is it possible he has dementia? Loss of inhibition can be a symptom.
He could of course just a sleazy sexist old git.
Does he have any family around that you could have a chat to and let them know he’s said a few things that have made you wonder if he’s ok? They might say ‘oh my yes, he’s always saying inappropriate stuff, he’s always like that to women, we are always pulling him up on it’. Or they might be concerned that it’s a new thing and keep a closer eye on him.
If he’s no family you can talk to, and you’ve no other reason to be worried about him, I’d probably be keeping my distance. Be civil but don’t engage in much chit chat.

I have considered this. A relative of mine was diagnosed with dementia and started making really inappropriate sexual comments to the nurses and doctors in her care home. The doctor explained to us that that was a relatively common symptom of dementia.

This is why I would not confront him directly nor aggressively. If this is a sign of dementia, then it would not be his fault for being inappropriate. And I don't think there would be any need to go to such length. I can simply avoid being in a conversation with him and only say "hello" if I bump into him.

My husband was very understanding of the situation, and said that it would be best for me to avoid him if he does not make me feel comfortable.

It's more likely that he comes from an age where that was appropriate and he didn't keep up with the change in attitude. If he does say something you deem inappropriate then just tell him straight. He probably doesn't even know he's innappropriate and thinks he's just beig fredly.
Sometimes it's down to people to speak directly to others who may not even realise that they are in the wrong.
If he does know, then just be "rude" and say "I don't appreciate that, Frank. I thought we were good neighbours."

First comment is weird, probably out of touch joke (I would have found annoying).
second is ick, no he wouldn’t have said if your DH was around. Brilliant comment about sending DH round with his bad back. I’d be a little cool for a while and let DH communicate and consider some more come backs in preparation and just the “that’s really not appropriate” comment also.

Goodness! settle down, get back in your arm chair grandad! It's creepy! Shut him down next time for sure.

It's more likely that he comes from an age where that was appropriate and he didn't keep up with the change in attitude.

I wish people would stop trotting this bollocks out - my granddad was 93 when he died and would never have spoken to a woman like that. Similarly FIL is now 80 and my own dad is 70 and the same applies to them.

Sleazy men will be sleazy no matter what era they were raised in. Let's stop acting as though they couldn't possibly know any better because they're old 🙄

Be careful about letting on that you are alone when your husband is away. He's a creep and could try something.