AIBU to feel uncomfortable with my neighbour's comments

[ThatShyScroller]

I would like to get your opinion on this, to see whether I am over reacting.

I have an elderly neighbour, who, for a long time, I thought was absolutely lovely.

When I lived with my husband, we would casually stop for a chat with him on the streets here and there. He would put a Christmas postcard in our letter box, we would make a cake for him etc. So, the relationship, for a long time, has been good, although we are not super close, and we keep to ourselves, generally.

But, at some point, my husband went on a business trip that was quite long. I bumped in my neighbour outside my house - he was chatting with other neighbours, and I said "hi". He replied saying "has your husband left you already eh?" giggling. I felt it was a bit of an inappropriate/nasty comment, especially because 1) it was made in front of strangers, and 2) it might have been actually true, that I was breaking up with my husband, and that would have upset me.

Nevertheless, I replied calmy saying that no, he didn't dump me, as far as I was aware, and he was just outside of town for work.

I tried to brush this under the carpet and I nearly forgot all about it. But then, something else happened.

I bumped in my neighbour again (alone), he asked me whether my car was okay (I had an accident a while before). I said casually that the car was fine, but I have been having a terrible back pain in the past weeks, that now is fixed. And then he said "well, I can rub your back anytime, lady". I felt SO uncomfortable about this, and annoyed, so I just walked away.

I am annoyed that my neighbour acts all nice in front of my husband, and then, as soon as he's away and cannot see him, he shows a completely different side.

I have been feeling quite stressed about this, and now I try to avoid him, if I can.

AIBU? I tried to think that perhaps he is just "joking", but I just cannot stand the completely different behaviour he has when I am alone.

Thank you :) I will bow out of the thread now, because she'll only come back and keep pecking, and failing that someone else is bound to crawl out of the woodwork to try and hector and scold me, and I don't want to ruin a perfectly nice Sunday.

You know this can happen to women with dementia too right?

Anyway the point was if someone has a change in personality there could be a reason for it. Doesn't mean OP has to let him massage her or turn into his carer FFS.

"Codger" is ageist, @dontbedaft2000 . From your post, I think you know that.

I agree you don't need to empathise with him.

Yep, I sometimes use unapproved words, like old codger. As an old codger myself I will do whatever I want. You have offended me by this post and should delete it.

Not really, I don't care at all. Cheers.

I don’t know why some old men talk to women they barely know like this. Can they really believe they might be desirable to much younger women and think they would jump at the chance of being mauled by an old man they barely know? Maybe dementia?

Next time you see him (even better if you’re with your husband) tell him you found his suggestion that he might massage you distasteful and you now see him in a new light and want nothing more to do with him.

I’ve done this and the man wasn’t surprised, dismayed or apologetic. He was angry. He knew what he’d done and did not like being called out on it.

Not relevant.

I really am going out now. You'll just have to keep trying to peck and hector without my input, I've already answered in full though, so you could just keep re reading it if you like. Ciao, have a great day.

URGH. Another pervy old man that everyone thinks is "sweet" just due to his age. There are many, many of these. We had an elderly male neighbour who everyone thought was sweet and lovely until we caught him trying to look into our bedroom windows when I was getting changed. I spoke to the woman the other side of me and she said he used to do the same to her. He didnt have dementia, he was just a colossal perv and age didnt change that.

Pervs get old too. I love the suggestion of saying your DH needs a back rub 😂

Dementia my arse. If he truly had dementia he wouldnt be reigning the comments in when your husband was present. If he actually had dementia, he'd be saying it no matter who was there because he wouldnt be able to help it or control it.

The very fact he changes his approach when you are alone indicates he's a dirty old man and knows exactly what he is doing and is doing it on purpose.

I would just walk away. Dont engage with him, dont speak to him, just completely avoid. If you do get caught by him, I also like the suggestion of asking him what he means and saying you dont understand - it will force him to spell it out and then he will be the one feeling uncomfortable.

My DM has developed a habit of making quite sleazy comments to younger men - she’s nearly 80 and they’re typically in their 30s/40s.

We've just had a load of building work done and she made inappropriate comments to 2 or 3 of them. She’s also occasionally made weird comments about my DP eg/commented that he has nice legs and said she wouldn’t mind if she caught him walking in the buff as he has a nice bum!

I don’t know if she’s always done it and I’ve only just found out, or whether she’s lost her filter in old age. I’ve told her directly to stop it but she thinks it’s funny.

I don’t know why she does it. She might be just trying to recapture her youth - she does have massive FOMO and isn’t good at accepting change. It might also be the fact she’s 77 and thinks she can say what she wants without consequence. She can’t seem to see that sexual comments and over-familiarity from a septuagenarian aren’t what a virile young builder wants to hear. She just giggles.

It’s really fucking disturbing tbh.

As for your examples OP, I’d not be bothered about the first comment but I wouldn’t like the second. I do wonder though if it would fall into the whole “if I were 40 years younger…” type of comment which seem to be socially acceptable (although I don’t like this either).

I sometimes think that older people feel as if they can be a bit lecherous because there’s no chance that they’re serious? So the recipient isn’t expected to get upset as it’s clearly not a genuine sleaze?

(Obviously this is a sweeping generalisation so if you’re older and not being lecherous, I’m not referring to you 😂).

I was at a funeral recently and my husband’s pervvy uncle was at the same shit. Asking completely inappropriate questions about mine and DHs sex life any time he could get me alone, he did the same to DH’s cousin. I honestly couldn’t care because he is beneath my contempt but DH called him out on it loudly in front of people the next time he saw him. He didn’t like that. These men never do, they have enormous egos.

dontbedaft2000 · Today 06:34

Sleazy, creepy, grubby men are sleazy, creepy and grubby until they die. They are not safe to be around and they never change.
I don't really understand why anyone is ever surprised that old men can be creepy bastards too. It's a state of mind, it's their character, they would if they could but they can't so they will just make you feel like shit instead and cop a feel if they can manage it.
And it one billion percent doesn't matter at all if he has dementia - the catch all excuse for grotesque old men perving on women. If he has, too bad, you can't fix it and you're not his carer and have an absolute right to feel safe and not grossed out.
Tell your husband exactly what he said and how it made you feel. Do NOT accept any minimising or snickering - if he was 40 it wouldn't be funny so it's not funny just because he (might) be too weak to do anything about it.
And then the two of you just be nodding acquaintance polite to him from now on when you have no other choice until the creepy codger kicks it, or one of you moves away.

100% this.

@ThatShyScroller
The first one I'd have said was a one-off stupid "joke" but coupled with the second one, yeah he's an opportunistic old sleaze who's ready to pounce if given an inch. I'd avoid him because he'll get more inappropriate as time goes on once he sees your husband isn't usually around.

If you bump into him, just say hi but don't go into any details about yourself, your body, your husband, anything. One word answers only and tell him you're rushing off when he's trying to ask more questions. Let him realise on his own that you're suddenly avoiding him and being distant/less chatty. It's his business to figure out why.

If he had dementia he'd be behaving like this around the husband too - dementia can't just be reined in when it's inconvenient 🙄

Exactly. I dont know why some people are so bloody desperate to excuse this kind of vile behaviour just because someone is old. We have all experienced younger men being lecherous and inappropriate so why is it so unbelievable that those same men might get older? It's not like all creepy men die off automatically at age 60, they get old too. I can guarantee this bloke was grim when he was younger too.

If he truly did have dementia he wouldnt be changing his behaviour like that when the husband was there.

He knows exactly what he is doing and it's gross. So fed up of women being encouraged to put up with this shit because of the poor lonely old men.

I have a neighbour like this. I call him creepy Dave. He's not quite as old but, when I first moved in, he would make slightly inappropriate comments which I didn't call him on. This progressed to commenting on why my blinds were still closed and hanging about when I took my grandson out of the car. He would detour slightly to pass my house. I became unavailable for a chat if he was outside speaking to others. My face visibly changed and became closed if he said anything sleazy and I immediately left. I suspect he thought I was fair game because I was a woman living alone. I don't see him at all now so I reckon he got the message

It is quite possible. People with dementia can cause serious problems by making advances randomly even when their partners are present. You needn’t put up with it but stay neutral as to whether he can help it. I’d say ‘ I don’t appreciate that kind of comment ‘ and walk on.

This, although I'd feel no obligation at all to be polite to him & I'd either outright blank him or tell him that I wouldn't be engaging in conversation any further as he's been rude and pervy and you're not willing to put up with that any longer.

But the point is- he isnt doing it when the husband is there so that indicates he doesnt have dementia and its a choice he is making to behave like that!

Dementia cant be switched on and off like that

I'd be shutting down any comments from now on or just ignoring him.
Vile people come in all shapes and sizes.

It's two comments. The husband is away. Dementia is not linear. It doesn't change the fact the OP should do what she needs to to feel safe.

This. It doesnt matter that he's old- he's being rude and sleazy as many older men are (that dont have dementia). I have had several experiences of befriending older men or being kind to them out of concern for their "loneliness" only to have them turn sexual without warning.

It absolutely boggles my mind that so many older men seem to think much younger women will be interested in their horrible sexual advances, it's freaking delusional.

Someone’s age doesn’t exempt them from being sleazy and whilst illnesses like dementia make it understandable, there is still no need to put yourself in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable when there isn’t anything to suggest that is the case. I’d stay away from him although if there was something that clearly required help, such as a fall or needing medical support I would be there for the short term for that.

Exactly - people don't just switch from being sleazy to sweet as soon as they hit retirement, lol.

👆😡

A lot of men are chancers whatever their age. This is why I have no interest in sparking up friendships with men.