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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by the way this man spoke to me?

65 replies

TrotFox · 30/10/2024 07:43

I’ve been awake since 4am and can’t get back to sleep because I feel so confused and upset by an incident that took place yesterday. I need to give a bit of back story so will be a bit long. Skip to the 3rd paragraph if you don’t want to read the back story

I’ve been wanting a career change for a little while now. Been researching things that I could possibly be interested in and thought I would look into dog grooming. I researched it quite a bit and spoke to other people about it (one of my friends is a dog groomer so spoke to her as well). I found a course, went along for an open day, decided I would try it so paid for it (£4,000). It’s about 2 hours away from me so I had been going once a week and staying over in a B&B the night before.

I’ve been doing it for 2 months and quickly realised I had made a mistake and it wasn’t for me. I had never done anything like this before so wasn’t to know if I’d enjoy it or not. I kept on going, spoke to my boyfriend and family about how I wasn’t enjoying it and the more I got into it I started to dread going. I would be kept awake with anxiety the night before I did a session and decided I couldn’t keep spending money on B&Bs and giving myself anxiety over something that I don’t have to do, it’s just a choice.

I went to my session yesterday and told the manager there that unfortunately I would like to drop out. The owner of the company asked to speak to me and took me off to a private room. I explained all of my reasoning and let him know that it wasn’t any reflection on his company, the people have been friendly and helpful etc and it’s nothing to do with the place, I’ve just realised it’s not for me and it’s a lesson learned to not fork out a sum of money for something I don’t know if I’ll enjoy! Well… he was so patronising. He told me “I don’t think this is the only thing going on here” I was so confused. He told me I should get some help for my anxiety and maybe go on medication. I explained I don’t have anxiety in general, and have never suffered anything like this before. He seemed to take it personally and say “well in 10 years you are the only person who has ever done this” which made me feel more like shit and a failure, as that’s already what I felt like. He said “do you think I don’t have problems and struggles? There are people dying in wars out there and you think you’ve got it bad” but I never said I had anything bad! All I said was that I have tried this course and learnt that it’s not for me as I’m not enjoying it and don’t feel like I can continue. He told me he was bullied as a kid and it has made him resilient (how is this relevant?!?) and that I need to seek professional help. I started getting frustrated because I felt like he wasn’t listening to me and trying to make out like there’s something wrong with me, when I just didn’t want to do the bloody course! A little tear slipped out because I was getting annoyed and was trying to hold back my frustration. When he saw that, he got a smug look on his face and a smirk and said “oh dear. There really is a lot going on isn’t there?” HUH?! There’s nothing going on?! I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious or anything like that I was so so confused by this whole conversation and just feeling frustrated.

A few other things were said, the conversation went of for a long time and in the end when he realised I wasn’t changing my mind he told me to wait outside while he got my things and practically threw them at me. I said “thanks for the opportunity” (why was I still being polite?) and he said “yep” and shut the door in my face.

AIBU to think that the things he said to me were rude and patronising? I can’t make a complaint because he is the owner but I’m so confused by the whole thing and don’t think I deserved to be told that there’s something wrong with me mentally.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 30/10/2024 07:45

He’s an arsehole
what was the course? Was it some sort of online / MLM rather than a CPD / professionally accredited course

im sure you won’t be able to get your money back but I’d try

Pinkissmart · 30/10/2024 07:45

Yes, he was rude. Quit the course and move on. I wouldn’t want to give a man like that any of my money

napody · 30/10/2024 07:46

Yes, he sounds like a prick on a power trip. Another lesson learned- you can stand up and walk out of these situations- you don't owe this guy your time and you get to choose whether he gets to keep you there whilst he talks shite.

Supersoakers · 30/10/2024 07:46

He’s taking it as a personal rejection. He has a massive ego issue.

Igmum · 30/10/2024 07:48

Agree, it's damaged his ego. Try to let it go. So sorry he gave you a hard time.

Sethera · 30/10/2024 07:48

I mean, this takes 'mansplaining' to a whole new level! What a wanker. He just wanted to exercise power over you and display what he thinks is superiority.

Obviously he sees this as a reflection on his course and his ego couldn't take the 'rejection'.

You've done the mature and sensible thing by not throwing more time and money at something that wasn't right for you; and this wasn't wasted as you've 'ruled it out' as a career choice and it should help you in future to assess what features in different jobs would or wouldn't be a good fit.

TrotFox · 30/10/2024 07:49

rubyslippers · 30/10/2024 07:45

He’s an arsehole
what was the course? Was it some sort of online / MLM rather than a CPD / professionally accredited course

im sure you won’t be able to get your money back but I’d try

It’s a proper accredited course. You can either do the City and Guilds course or ICMG and you get the qualification once you’ve completed

OP posts:
RaspberryBeretxx · 30/10/2024 07:51

What a horrible man! He’s an arse, none of this is you. Of course it’s reasonable to change your mind over the course. What’s the point in carrying on if you don’t actually enjoy the work and won’t use it?

SoporificLettuce · 30/10/2024 07:52

Most of what he said to you is him projecting his own insecurities and wounds.
He’s a man with an eggshell ego, extremely fragile, and you have inadvertently cracked it by walking away.
He’s taken it personally and has projected that all onto you.

You were right not to continue on a path that wasn’t right for you. That is strength and wisdom. This man is rather sad and pathetic.

Marine30 · 30/10/2024 07:52

What a horrible, patronising, smug sounding man. How dare he?! He is wrong to make you feel this way on so many levels.
You tried it, it didn’t work out, you were polite and honest and he has been - well, vile to be
honest.
This chimes with me as many years ago we had an ISO9001 guy who came in to do our audit. I had put most of the audit into plan with one other and without knowing quite how he did it he had me in tears of frustration as he was just such a mean, patronising bastard.

It’s not you it’s him. Now I look back and seethe and just feel sorry for the horrible git’s wife. But at the time I was really angry and upset just like you. Please don’t let this get to
you too much. He sounds like a complete arse. Write a review to get it out of your system. You can always withdraw it after a couple of days or let the man stew forever.
Sadly there are people out there like that and they get a kick from upsetting people and then seeming ‘helpful’. Mindgames - nasty bastard.

genandtonic · 30/10/2024 07:53

Maybe get in touch with the accreditors and ask their advice?
Absolutely he’s in the wrong.
my boss runs courses and tho she gets emotionally involved when people reject the course, she would never talk to anyone like that.

ShowmetheBotox · 30/10/2024 07:54

There MUST be somewhere you can leave a review

Cakeandcardio · 30/10/2024 07:55

I've been there where you get frustrated and end up crying then a man treats you like shit.
If that's the way he spoke to you then there's obviously more going on with him. Just hold your head high and try and forget him. A lot of men are insecure and feel the need to treat others badly.

Pumpkincozynights · 30/10/2024 07:56

Yabu because what you should have said said is ‘This has got fuck all to do with me, I won’t be finishing the course and that’s that.’
If he then didn’t stfu you should have said, ‘Any more of your rantings and I will be leaving a negative review online for you.’
Then left.
I’m older and no longer tolerate any crap from men. I don’t engage with randomers I just don’t want to waste my time.
You gave him a reason and that should be the end of it.
Quite frankly £4000 for the course! Wow no wonder he wants people to see it through I don’t know anything about dog grooming, but that sounds like a rip off.

CryptoFascist · 30/10/2024 07:58

Sounds like he's the one with "something else going on" - what an egomaniac he sounds. Good on you for meeting with him to explain, a lot of people would've just stopped turning up.

Teaortea · 30/10/2024 08:00

Unbelievably rude, you've done nothing wrong. It should have been a 5 min chat, you didn't owe him answers or a long conversation.
I would definitely contact the governing body with what you've said in your op.
Also check your terms and conditions to see if you can get a refund or part refund.

RadiatorHeaven · 30/10/2024 08:00

What a sick. It’s not you, it’s him.

rainfallpurevividcat · 30/10/2024 08:01

What a horrible arsehole! No wonder you didn't like the course. Leave him a negative review. Definitely report him to whoever provides the course accreditation. No-one should be bullied for not wanting to continue a course. Particularly when they've had the good grace to tell the provider face to face. Some people would just not turn up.

TrotFox · 30/10/2024 08:02

Thanks for the replies everyone. It’s good to know that I’m not the one unreasonable here. Looking back I wish I’d have just walked away from the conversation. You can leave a review on their Facebook page, not sure if they’d be able to just remove it though

OP posts:
NigelHarmansNewWife · 30/10/2024 08:02

genandtonic · 30/10/2024 07:53

Maybe get in touch with the accreditors and ask their advice?
Absolutely he’s in the wrong.
my boss runs courses and tho she gets emotionally involved when people reject the course, she would never talk to anyone like that.

Hell yes - such a weird way for him to respond to you. I think I'd write and tell him how his patronising power trip made you feel and ask him to reflect on his behaviour. Might be cathartic for you if nothing else.

Butchyrestingface · 30/10/2024 08:06

@Pumpkincozynights I’ve known a few people who’ve done DG courses and apparently the accredited ones can exceed £5k. 😬

Of course, if graduates made the money back in a month, that would put a different slant on the investment but I have no idea what the average income from doggy grooming is.

Sethera · 30/10/2024 08:07

NigelHarmansNewWife · 30/10/2024 08:02

Hell yes - such a weird way for him to respond to you. I think I'd write and tell him how his patronising power trip made you feel and ask him to reflect on his behaviour. Might be cathartic for you if nothing else.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of further interaction - he would doubtless translate any such letter into a conviction that he'd 'made an impression' on the OP and see that as an achievement. OP could write a cathartic letter and then tear it up.

Screamingabdabz · 30/10/2024 08:10

He saw it as a personal rejection, and like a lot of men who get their ego hurt, they lash out.

When people bully others they often make accusations of negative traits they themselves have. So he’s the one with the massive issues. I would definitely find out who is paying him and give some feedback. He doesn’t sound very professional or self-controlled or indeed demonstrate any of the ‘resilience’ he claims to have!

Rewilder · 30/10/2024 08:10

CryptoFascist · 30/10/2024 07:58

Sounds like he's the one with "something else going on" - what an egomaniac he sounds. Good on you for meeting with him to explain, a lot of people would've just stopped turning up.

But that’s what gave this guy a chance to patronise the OP, who meekly tagged along and listened politely.

And absolutely, he was a repellently patronising asshole, that’s not up for debate (I’m assuming part of this was driven by panic the OP was going to try and get a refund on fees), but I’m not sure he was so wrong in suggesting something else was going on here. I can imagine it’s no fun realising you’ve thrown away £4k on something that isn’t for you, but ‘dreading’ attending classes and ‘being kept awake with anxiety’ suggest something larger.

Which doesn’t make the guy any less of a patronising prick, obviously. He can keep his armchair diagnoses to himself, which is what the OP should have told him. ‘Enough with the facile pop psychology, Nigel. I don’t need amateur psychotherapy because I don’t want to clip labradoodle nails for the rest of my life, OK?’

You don’t need to listen politely to wankery, or anyone’s permission to quit a dog-grooming course.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/10/2024 08:13

He's taking it as a rejection and trying to make it your issue - he probably also thought you were asking for your money back and would leave a bad review if you didn't get it.

You gave it a go, it definitely wasn't for you, and you were right not to throw any more resources at it.

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