To be upset by the way this man spoke to me?

[TrotFox]

I’ve been awake since 4am and can’t get back to sleep because I feel so confused and upset by an incident that took place yesterday. I need to give a bit of back story so will be a bit long. Skip to the 3rd paragraph if you don’t want to read the back story

I’ve been wanting a career change for a little while now. Been researching things that I could possibly be interested in and thought I would look into dog grooming. I researched it quite a bit and spoke to other people about it (one of my friends is a dog groomer so spoke to her as well). I found a course, went along for an open day, decided I would try it so paid for it (£4,000). It’s about 2 hours away from me so I had been going once a week and staying over in a B&B the night before.

I’ve been doing it for 2 months and quickly realised I had made a mistake and it wasn’t for me. I had never done anything like this before so wasn’t to know if I’d enjoy it or not. I kept on going, spoke to my boyfriend and family about how I wasn’t enjoying it and the more I got into it I started to dread going. I would be kept awake with anxiety the night before I did a session and decided I couldn’t keep spending money on B&Bs and giving myself anxiety over something that I don’t have to do, it’s just a choice.

I went to my session yesterday and told the manager there that unfortunately I would like to drop out. The owner of the company asked to speak to me and took me off to a private room. I explained all of my reasoning and let him know that it wasn’t any reflection on his company, the people have been friendly and helpful etc and it’s nothing to do with the place, I’ve just realised it’s not for me and it’s a lesson learned to not fork out a sum of money for something I don’t know if I’ll enjoy! Well… he was so patronising. He told me “I don’t think this is the only thing going on here” I was so confused. He told me I should get some help for my anxiety and maybe go on medication. I explained I don’t have anxiety in general, and have never suffered anything like this before. He seemed to take it personally and say “well in 10 years you are the only person who has ever done this” which made me feel more like shit and a failure, as that’s already what I felt like. He said “do you think I don’t have problems and struggles? There are people dying in wars out there and you think you’ve got it bad” but I never said I had anything bad! All I said was that I have tried this course and learnt that it’s not for me as I’m not enjoying it and don’t feel like I can continue. He told me he was bullied as a kid and it has made him resilient (how is this relevant?!?) and that I need to seek professional help. I started getting frustrated because I felt like he wasn’t listening to me and trying to make out like there’s something wrong with me, when I just didn’t want to do the bloody course! A little tear slipped out because I was getting annoyed and was trying to hold back my frustration. When he saw that, he got a smug look on his face and a smirk and said “oh dear. There really is a lot going on isn’t there?” HUH?! There’s nothing going on?! I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious or anything like that I was so so confused by this whole conversation and just feeling frustrated.

A few other things were said, the conversation went of for a long time and in the end when he realised I wasn’t changing my mind he told me to wait outside while he got my things and practically threw them at me. I said “thanks for the opportunity” (why was I still being polite?) and he said “yep” and shut the door in my face.

AIBU to think that the things he said to me were rude and patronising? I can’t make a complaint because he is the owner but I’m so confused by the whole thing and don’t think I deserved to be told that there’s something wrong with me mentally.

Have you never had a job that you hate and dread going in? If you haven’t, you’re lucky. A know a lot of people have. I don’t think that dreading your job or a course you’re doing suggests something is wrong elsewhere. This course wasn’t classroom based at all, it was all practical. So from day 1 I was grooming dogs. So on my feet all day dealing with difficult animals, it was exhausting. A few times we had aggressive dogs that were trying to bite and we had to muzzle them, but getting the muzzle on was also a challenge. I didnt feel comfortable handling aggressive dogs, and I felt anxious while i was doing it. A lot of the dogs cry and try to get away from you and I felt bad for them having to stand there for hours while I tried to do a simple cut. It was just stressful for me. So that’s why I’d be awake at night worrying that I’d have an aggressive dog in that would take me 6 hours to groom. Some of the people there just took the dog and got on with it. I couldn’t do that, hence why it’s not for me

It was very clearly just not the job for you, no more to be said.

I like dogs, but I don't think I could ever be a dog groomer!

I was going to say I would have just seen the course through but seeing it is not academic and wrangling scary dogs all day then I don't blame you for not wanting to continue.

I wouldn't have discussed it further with anyone. I just would have stopped going.

Meant kindly, maybe think about a course in assertiveness or something? It's really angered me that he made you cry a little. These bastards need telling to wind their necks in.

He's probably so used to gaslighting women into thinking the problem is with them at home he's just done it automatically when he's felt his course is criticised.

Yes, this.

OP, respectfully, you didn’t have a job you hated. You started a training course you hated. You didn’t need anyone’s permission other than your own to drop out.

Yes, I did have a job I hated. Once I realised nothing was going to improve (and I realised a significant number of colleagues I’d never met were out on longterm stress-related sick leave), I handed in my notice. I phoned my line manager out of courtesy before sending him the email and said ‘I will be leaving at the end of the semester’ and he said ‘Thanks for letting me know.’

I would make a note of the meeting while fresh in your mind and then make a complaint. He has totally overstepped. What a wanker. The course was probably not very good and that was one of the reasons you weren't enjoying it and he knew it. I bet they are always having people drop out.

I know it wasn’t my job but I’m just saying that if you dread one thing such as a job or a course that doesn’t mean something else is going on, it just means you hate that thing! The nature of the course was that you go into their salon and groom dogs all day, just like you would if you had the job. I wasn’t sat in a classroom, it was on the job training. I hated it, I told him I didn’t want to do it, and instead of him accepting that, he decided to take it personally and assume that I must be mentally ill and need medication.

It's him, not you. You were sensible to give it up if you could tell that it wasn’t the career for you. He sounds revoltingly patronising and although there’s no-one you can complain to, there’s nothing to stop you writing a calm letter telling him so, if that would make you feel better. (But you don’t want to engage in a protracted correspondence, so if you did write you could say you want nothing more to do with him and won't be reading any response from him.)

It sounds like he DOES have issues. Clearly is unhinged and incredibly insecure.

Lots of people try new things in life and stop when it doesn't make them happy, perfectly normal. His response wasn't.

I would try and make a complaint to trading standards and leave a ‘flying’ review on anywhere he is on.

What an idiot. Looks to me that he had a plan for those 4000 pounds you were going to spend on his business.

My husband and I run an (accredited) training company (not dog grooming). You could complain to his accreditation though I’m not sure him being a total knob would be against any of their particular standards. He was though. He completely overstepped with his comments. Being (very) charitable, he could perhaps have been trying to help if he thought you were wavering and didn’t want you to have wasted such a lot of money and regret it later. The whole conversation got way too personal. You need to learn to shut this down. Working on your assertiveness will benefit you. I wouldn’t tolerate shit like this now but I could definitely have ended up in that kind of conversation when I was younger. What a pompous man!

So people pay him £4,000 to basically do his work for him.
is he charging owners for the dogs that are groomed.
sounds like he was sad to lose his free labour.

it’s tempting to tell him what you think of him. But he sounds such a knob that he’ll just turn it into a you thing

Well done, your decision is made. Now just look forwards.

Right now record everything you can remember about the interaction. Then write an “impact” statement on how it has made you feel- if you felt bullied and intimidated or shamed etc write it down. Right how long this intersection went on for. Be as specific and accurate as you can

Find out who his boss is…go to companies house if needed? And find out who is responsible for accrediting the course - the professional standards body.

then send the document to as high a level of authority in both organisations as you can, state it is a complaint about the interaction. Ask for them to investigate . I’d say write an old school hard copy letter, look up address on who to send it to (if necessary use companies house info) and send it signed delivery - that way they have to accept it formally and you know and they know you’re told when delivered. Also ask for a written responses in 10 working days.

The issue here is this man is in a position of authority with the students. Students doing a course that is frankly going to be more women than men. He is a loose cannon abusing other students (unlikely you’re the first he’s done it too), and it probably reflects the way the course is run and probably why you’ve found the whole course a bit crap and off putting frankly.

he had no reason to give you a grilling like this. You’re not likely to get your money back anyway if you pull out and not finish. So you were telling him as a courtesy . He did this becuase he COULD. Becuase you weren’t assertive in stopping him. He saw a weakness and frankly enjoyed his power rush in humiliation of you. That’s fucking awful behaviour and someone who should NOT be in a position of authority with students.

youll not get anything out of issuing a compliant personally, but hopefully someone will investigate and he’ll at least be told it has been noted and someone has complained , which might make him think twice before doing it agian.

if you can’t comp alien to anyone as he IS the ultimate boss and course is not accredited, put up a review on whatever site you came across it yourself, and don’t hold back with what happened.

If you think about spending that sort of money agian on a course, make sure it is accredited course, make sure it is run by a legitimate provider like a college , rather than a 1-man band who thinks he’s an educator! Also, next time try to get some work experience on the job you’re thinking training on. A couple of half days in a dog grooming business as a volunteer probably would have flushed out that it isn’t for you. Offering some unpaid work in exchange would be attractive to most dog grooming businesses.

but, it is not your fault you experienced this. The man was intent on abusing and bullying you. He got a kick out of that.

I had a similar experience a few years ago. Left a job without another one to go to due to being a single Mum to young kids, in the space of six months - moved jobs, moved house, got divorced, lost my Mum to cancer.

When I handed in my notice to my manager (of 3 months) not giving any details, just saying I’d had some inheritance money through & would be taking a break career wise - he gave me a long rant about how I needed to be more resilient.

This from a man doing a similar job to me with a stay at home wife who looked after his kids & the house for him. He had no idea what I was going through & I just took his little speech as being thoroughly naive & more of a him problem than anything to do with me! Twat!!

I'd suspect that he was correct, there was "something more going on here" than a customer deciding that a course was not for her and politely withdrawing and a professional provider accepting her decision and facilitating her smooth departure, which is what should have happened. Assuming there wasn't an issue of his having to give you money back if you withdrew, it could be that there are some sort of statistics he wants to uphold about how many people successfully finish the course and he felt you were damaging that? But if his intent was to persuade you not to drop out, his tirade would have likely done the opposite if you HAD been wavering.

His issues, and the root causes of why he acted that way, are not your problem. You had a right to withdraw for any or no reason, and might have simply said so without giving an explanation. As you've already reflected, you'd probably have benefited from being more assertive sooner - refusing to rise to his bait and simply repeating that you were withdrawing and asking for whatever it was that you needed from him so that you couldn't just walk out once he started being inappropriate.

Give it a few days to "settle" and then see how you feel about pursuing a complaint or writing a bad review. In a public review (vs a private, targeted complaint) I'd probably stay away from how he made you feel emotionally; even just the observation that he made it difficult for you to withdraw from the course when your circumstances required you to do so is useful information for someone else thinking of signing up.

Please let the accreditors know! It places risk on them

Move on. He's the one with the problem. Next time don't get into any arguments or discussions. Say your peace and leave. You let it go on abit long. You didn't need to listen to his crap did you?

He sounds like an absolute dick. I agree with the advice to speak to the accreditors of the course, or whoever is responsible for it, as this doesn’t sound professional of him at all.

How horrible for you. Talk about 'there being a lot going on here'; there certainly was for this man.
I don't know what the course is, but if there is some kind of professional body it is accredited by, you could complain to them. Arguably you should, because somebody this out of control and manipulative could be causing more harm.
I bet you aren't the first person to drop out in 10 years! If you were he'd have been surprised and asked if there was anything that could be done to make it more agreeable for you.

Wow. Don’t give it a second thought, he sounds like a nutter.

He does sound weird but I'm also a bit stunned that you didn't realised you'd be dog wrangling from day one. Maybe people do the course after a bit of practice/shadowing etc rather than cold? He's probably worried about his completion/outcomes data but that's his problem not yours. Good luck with your next choice.

I think he already has the 4k according to the OP.

What a patronising bastard. He is clearly the one with issues to react like that. He's probably lying that no one ever dropped out before. You did nothing wrong

It's annoying that he wouldn't speak to a hard man like that. What a dick trying to gas light you like that.